Meg's Boyfriend
by Malcolm Fox
Summary: Meg meets a 7 11 Clerk named Zack, they fall in love and a bunch of crazy stuff happens. The story now comes to a close as Zack's ex returns into his life and may ruin everything. Read and Review please.
1. They Meet

**When Meg Met Zack**

Dicslamer: I do not own Family Guy. If I did, Meg would not be bashed and Chris would.

**Chapter 1: They Meet.**

----

The Griffins going on a family outing, when Peter makes up a game.

"Hey, I've got a game we can play," said Peter, "Whenever we see a buggie on the road, we hit Meg!"

"What?!?!" shouts Meg, "Don't I get a say in this."

"No," Peter simply says.

"Punch buggy green," says Chris after seeing a green buggie and hitting Meg.

"OW!"

"Punch buggy blue!" shouts Stewie and he hits Meg."

"OWWW!"

"Punch buggy yellow!" shouts Peter as he punches Meg on the head... HARD.

"OOOOOOOWWWW!!!! STOP IT!!!"

"HAHAHA!!! Listen to her whine!" said Peter as he was amused with his sick game.

"Peter, this isn't funny!" said Lois.

"Sure it is!" said Peter, "Just like the time I pushed Meg in front of a speeding bus."

Flashback

Meg and Peter are standing on the sidewalk.

"Hey Meg, you wanna visit Mexico?" asks Peter.

"Actually no. But I've always wanted to go to-" said Meg before she was cut off by Peter pushing her in front of a speeding bus going to Mexico.

"And while you're there, get me a sombrero," shouts Peter, "And don't drink the water! No scratch that. Drink all the water you want!"

end flashback

"You told me Meg was at a friend's house," said Lois.

"Well you should have known that was a lie when I said 'Meg' and 'friend' in the same sentence without saying 'she doesn't have any'," said Peter.

Meg sees a red buggie and decides that now was her chance.

"Punch buggy red," she says as she hits Chris, "That's one point for me!"

"Ow! Dad make her stop!" whines Chris.

"Oh that's it!" says Peter angrily, "You have gone too far Meg!"

"But I only hit him once!" says Meg.

"Out of the car!" shouts Peter.

"But-" said Meg before she was interrupted by Peter making a hole through the win shield with his fist.

"NOW!" shouts Peter.

Meg instantly obeys and gets out of the car. Peter then drives off leaving Meg alone in a part of Quahog she's never been in. She walks for over an hour until she comes up to a 7-11.

"Excuse me," said Meg as she walked to the counter, "I'm lost and I need a ride home. Do you have a phone I can use."

"Are you a paying customer?" asks the manager who suddenly walks into the room.

"I don't have any money," said Meg.

"Hell no you can't use it!" said the manager as he went back into the back room.

"Wait!" said the clerk as he stopped Meg from leaving, "You can use my cell phone."

"Thank you," said Meg.

"Name's Zack Murdock, by the way." said Zack. Zack had long blonde hair with a mustacheless goatee, an earring and a green beanie.

"I'm Meg," she responds as she dails the number and the reciever picks up.

"Hello?" said Peter on the other end.

"I need a ride home. I'm at a 7 eleven in uncharted Quahog," said Meg.

"Who is this," said Peter.

"Meg." Said Meg and Peter then hangs up, "Oh, COME ON!!!"

"What happened?" asks Zack.

"That fat bastard father of mine hung up on me!"

"He WHAT?!?!"

"I should call Quagmire," said Meg, "Maybe he can help."

"Quagmire? As in Glen 'The pervert/rapist/sex offender/wierdo' Quagmire?" asks Zack.

"Don't worry. We live in the same street," said Meg.

"You do?"

"Yup."

"Well, either way, I can't let you call him," said Zack as he took his phone back, "I still remember when he invited my sister over to make some 'ol fashioned home cookin'."

"What happened?" Meg asked.

"When I got there, they were making burgers," said Zack, "And before that, they were having sex! Dammit, I wish she would've let me know! Anywho, how about I take you home in my car instead?"

"Sure, thanks," said Meg.

"Is that moneyless bitch still here?!?!" shouts the manager.

"SHUT UP YOU PORKER!!!" shouted Zack, "YOU PROBABLY WOULDN'T SAY THAT IF SHE WAS SOME BLONDE BUSTY STRIPPER!!! Idiot..."

"Why are you yelling at your boss?" asked Meg.

"He's also my dad, and we have issues," said Zack.

"But won't he fire you?" asks Meg.

"Nah!" said Zack, "He NEEDS me! Now, let's go. Dad, I'm taking her home!"

"Eww! You takin' that ugly porker home?" shouted the manager from the back room.

"DAD, SHUT UP!!! SHE'S NOT FAT AND UGLY LIKE YOU!!!" shouts Zack. seconds later a mug flies out of the room and shatters on the wall right next to Zack, "Oh Sh#t! Let's get outta here!"

---

**End Chapter.**


	2. Meeting the Parents

**When Meg Met Zack**

Disclaimer: Still don't own Family Guy.

**Chapter 2: Meeting the Parents**

---

After a very long drive from the 7-11, Meg and Zack finally get to her house.

"Thanks for the ride home, Zack" said Meg, "And since you were very nice to me, do you want to come inside for something to eat?"

"I dunno," said Zack uneasily, "We just met, and..."

"Zack, I really want you to be my friend," said Meg.

"You do? Well alright then," said Zack as he got out of his car.

As Meg and Zack wlked into the house, Lois came and hugged Meg.

"Oh, thank god you're alright!" said Lois as she then turned to Zack, "Who is he?"

"He's Zack," said Meg.

"I gave your daughter a ride," he said and was quickly knocked down with a black eye and a bloody nose by Lois.

"MOM! Zack didn't 'ride' me!" said Meg, "He gave me a ride home!"

"Oh my... I'm so sorry Zack!" apologized Lois who was also very embarassed.

"Please call a doctor..." said Zack in pain before he blacked out. He then woke up to see a very worried Meg.

"Zack, you're awake," she said, "You've been unconsious for 5 hours."

"Ohhh... I haven't felt this bad since I ate that expired twinkie," said Zack, "It's actually a pretty funny story. You see..."

He was inturrupted when Peter walked into the room and sat on Zack(mostly his face) who was lying down on the couch. Zack began kicking and screaming.

"Ahh... Now to watch some TV," said Peter as he grabbed the remote.

"Dad get up!" said Meg.

"Uhhh, don't think so," said Peter as he adjusted his butt on Zack and ignored his muffled screams.

"Peter, you're gonna suffocate him!" shouted Lois.

"Hold on a sec, Lois," said Peter as he then farted. Zack yelled even louder, "Now who are you-" said Peter before he felt a sharp pain in his rear and jumped off the couch, "AHHH!!! SOMETHING BIT ME! SOMETHING BIT MEEEE!!!!"

"Oh, Yuck! Ass!" said Zack as he began gasping for air.

"Who the hell are you?!?!" Peter asked.

"Peter, this is Zack," said Lois, "He brought Meg home."

"You bring back Meg AND bite me in the ass?!?!" said Peter, "I hate him already!"

"Yeah! Well I hate YOU!" said Zack, "You leave your daughter stranded in the part of town where rapists and murderers dwell and you almost killed me by sitting on me!"

"Stop fighting, you two!" said Meg.

"Shut up, Meg!" said Peter.

"Don't tell her to shut up!" said Zack angrily.

"Who are you to tell me how to raise my kids!?!?" said Peter.

"Freedom of speech, pal!" said Zack, "And I don't like how you talk to Meg."

"Guys, stop!" said Lois, "Now Zack, I know you and Peter seem to be getting on the wrong foot, but how would you like to stay over for dinner, anyway?"

"Why I'd love to, LOIS." said Zack in hopes of annoying Peter, "Thank you."

"Now Peter, why don't you just go over to the basement and calm down, ok?" said Lois.

"Stupid new guy..." muttered Peter as he walked away, "Just because he looks so handsome and crap..."

"I'm so sorry," said Meg.

"It's not your fault," said Zack, "You were right, he IS a dick towards you."

"Are you feeling any better?" asked Meg.

"I was until your dad sat on my head," said Zack, "I think my concussion is getting worse."

"What was all that noise earlier," said Chris as he entered the room.

"Dad was angry again," said Meg, "Oh, Zack this is my brother Chris."

"YOU!!!" shouted Zack as he pointed to Chris.

"Oh crap!" said Chris as he tried to run away, but was grabbed by Zack.

"What's going on?" asked Meg, "You know each other?"

"This fat piece of sht cost me my last job!" said Zack angily.

**Flashback**

2 years ago at Burger King, Zack is behind the counter taking Chris's order.

"What'll you have," he asked.

"I'll have a whopper, with large fries, and a drink." said Chris.

"Okay, that'll be $4.99," said Zack.

"Here you go," said Chris as he handed him money.

"Kid this is play money... from Monopoly," said Zack, "The only things this will buy you are red hotels, green houses, and a get out of jail free card."

"So you're saying my money isn't good enough?!?!" said Chris, "ARE YOU DISCRIMINATING AGAINST ME?!?!"

"Kid, you handed me fake money! I could have you thrown in jail!" said Zack.

"It's because I'm fat, isn't it?" asked Chris, "You don't want my money because you think I'll eat the resteraunt out of profit and put you out of a job isn't it? I'LL SUE!!!"

"Wait! Don't sue us, kid," said the manager, "Tell you what, this meal and every other meal you get from us as long as you live is free."

"Gee thanks," said Chris as he took his order.

"Zack, YOU'RE FIRED!!!" shouted his boss.

"WHAT?!?!? But he-" protested Zack before he was grabbed and thrown into a dumpster in the back of a Burger King, "I'LL GET THAT KID FOR THIS!!!!"

**end flashback**

"I hate you!" shouted Zack as he punched Chris, "My girlfriend dumped my because of that sht," he punched him again, "I can't even set foot inside of the resteraunt," punched him again, "And you're ugly!" punched him again.

"Zack, enough!" said Meg as she grabbed him, "Hitting Chris won't get your job back."

"I know, but I like hitting things," said Zack.

"My face hurts," said Chris as Meg carried him upstairs.

"Oh my god!" shouted Peter, "What the hell did you do to Chris!?!?"

"I didn't do, anything!" said Meg.

"You lie!" said Peter, "This is why I always hate you."

"No, I beat him up," said Zack, "He cost me my job at Burger King."

"Covering up for Meg, huh?" said Peter, "Nobody's supposed to cover up for her."

"No, c'mere," said Zack, "I'll show you."

"Okay then" said Peter as he walked up to Zack who grabbed him by the collar.

"I hate you!" shouted Zack as he punched Peter, "My girlfriend dumped my because of that sht," he punched him again, "I can't even set foot inside of the resteraunt," punched him again, "And you're ugly!" punched him again, "See."

"Okay, your story checks out," said Peter as he adjusted his glasses, "I'm starved, let's get dinner."

Everybody then left the room except Chris who left sprawled on the stairs badly injured.

"Oooooohhh... Help... me..." he groaned in pain.

---

**End chapter.**


	3. New Place to Stay

Diclaimer: Still don't own Family Guy.

Chapter 3: A New Place to Stay.

Everyone was seated at the dinner table(including Chris who had somehow inexplicably recovered from his injuries) being served dinner. Lois started making conversation.

"So, Meg how was school today?" asked Lois.

"I was teased again by Connie and the other poular kids," said Meg, "They stole my books, they stuffed me in a locker, and I almost got raped by jocks just for fun until Neil came by and got beat up long enough for me to get awa-."

"Oh, Blah blah blah! All you ever do is whine," said Peter, "Anyway, today Quagmire called me fat and stupid. It made me cry."

"Aww, Peter," said Lois, "You're not fat, you're just a little..."

"Wait a minute! Hold the phone!" interrupted Zack, "Your daughter said she was almost raped by jocks and nobody gave a crap. This fat stupid idiot says Quagmire calls him a fat stupid idiot and suddenly he's a victim. HE'S A FAT STUPID IDIOT!!!"

"But...but... it hurt so bad," whined Peter.

"Well don't expect any sympathy from me... Fat stupid idiot," mutterd Zack as he said the last three words uner his breath.

"Okay... so anyway, why don't you tell us about yourself, Zack," asked Lois, "What do you do for a living."

"I work at 7-11 as a clerk," said Zack.

" And..." asked Lois.

"That's it. Ever since your kid cost me my job, I have no home, no girlfriend, and no goals."

"You're homeless?" asked Meg, "Do you sleep in the streets?"

"No, I have to live in that damn 7-11 store," said Zack, "Even then, I'm still late for work."

"Can't you rent an arpartment or something," asked Brian.

"I earn minimum wage and I have no friends or girlfriend to stay with," said Zack coldly, "You do the math."

"Wow," said Brian, "Chris sure did f#ck up your life didn't he. Wait how did you get the car?"

"Gift from my mom," he said.

"Mom, can I talk to you in the living room?" asked Meg as she and Lois left the kitchen.

"What is it, Meg," asked Lois.

"Zack has no place to stay," said Meg, "Can we let him stay here until he gets back on his feet?"

"I don't know, sweetie," said Lois, "We don't really know him."

"But Chris ruined his life," said Meg, "It's only fair if we help fix it. He can pay rent and sleep in the attic."

"Alright, Meg," said Lois, "But you're being responsible for him."

She and Meg walked back into the kitchen where the boys were in deep discussion.

"What would you rather do?" asked Peter, "Eat a stinkbug, or tongue kiss Paris Hilton.

"Stinkbug," said Zack.

"Stinkbug" said Brian.

"Stinkbug," said Chris.

"Definitely the stinkbug," said Stewie.

"Peter," said Lois, "Meg and I decided that since Zack is homeless, he can stay with us."

"What?" asked Peter, "No freaking way! Not after what he did to Chris."

"But, Chris is the one who ruined him!" said Meg.

"I have to agree with Meg, Peter," said Lois, "And he's not staying for free. He'll be paying rent."

"Well, I'm king of this household, so I say nay!" said Peter.

"Let's vote," said Brian, "All, in favor of Zack staying, Aye."

"Aye," said Meg, Lois, Stewie and Brian.

"All opposed," said Brian.

"Nay!" shouted Chris and Peter.

"4 against 2," said Brian, "Welcome to the Griffin household."

"Fine, but since he's under my roof, he'll be living by MY rules," said Peter.

"Okay, what "rules" must he abide by?" asked Lois.

"Rule # 1, he MUST participate in Meg Bashing."

"F#ck that," said Zack as he went upstairs to the attic.

"Hey, hey! Get back here!" shouted Peter, "Oh geez! This is is gonna suck worse than the time I beat Vegeta from Dragonball Z at checkers"

**Flashback**

Vegeta and Peter are playing checkers when Peter takes Vegeta's last game piece.

"YAY! I win!" said Peter.

"WHAT?!? First Kakarot beats me and now THIS?!?!" said Vegeta, "A fat human?!?!"

"Geez, Veggie, lighten up," said Peter, "It's just a game."

"JUST A GAME?!?!?" shouted Vegeta as he kicked the gameboard, "I AM THE PRINCE OF ALL SAIYANS!!! I'M SUPPOSED TO WIN AT EVERYTHING!!! I'M ROYALTY, DAMMIT!!!"

"Well, you happen to suck at checkers. It's no big deal."

"I DON'T SUCK!!! _YOU_ SUCK!!! GALICK GUN!!!" shouted Vegeta as he quickly obliterated Peter.

**End Flashback.**

"Wait. What did that have to do with anything?" asked Lois.

"I dunno," said Peter.

"You know, we should really stop doing that," said Stewie, "You know, mentioning some random event that has nothing to do with nothing."

Everyone in the room stand there silent for a moment and then bust out laughing.

"Oh, god I needed that," said Brian as he wiped a tear from his eye, "Like that'll happen."

**End Chapter.**


	4. Ready for the Homecoming Dance

Disclaimer: Blah, Blah, something about not owning Family Guy, and such.

**Chapter 4: Ready for the Homecoming Dance**

Zack was upstairs in the basement playing his Nintendo 64. Specifically, he was playing WWF No Mercy. He had created himself into the game and was beating the hell out of Triple H.

"Just gotta pull off my finisher and I'll become champion," said Greg.

Just at that very moment, he heard Meg screaming from downstairs.

"What the hell?" asked Zack who was distracted long enough for the polygonal Triple H to take a steel chair and Smack his CAW's head clean off his shoulders. Literally.

"What the hell? I didn't know the game could do that?!?" said Zack.

The announcer in the game then shouted out, "YOU SUCK!," to Zack as the very same words began flashing onscreen.

"Didn't know the game could do that either," said Zack who was rather annoyed. He then decided to go and see what Meg was screaming about. Meanwhile downstairs, Meg was at the kitchen table looking rather distraught.

"It'll be okay, sweetie" said Lois.

"No it won't be okay," said Meg.

"What's all the hubub?" said Zack as he walked into the kitchen.

"Homecoming is tonight and I don't have a date," said Meg, "Again!"

"Of course you don't have a date," said Peter, "Nobody likes you."

"Why am I not surprised he was gonna say that?" asked Zack in sarcasm as he took an apple from the fruit bow, "How about I help you get a date?"

"Really," asked Meg, "How?"

"I'll think of something," said Zack.

"Oh this is only asking for trouble," said Stewie, "This'll be worse than the time I accidentally found hentai with Lois and the Fatman."

**Flashback **

Stewie is on the computer checking his e-mail.

"Now let's see. Oooohhh," said Stewie in amusement, "An E-mail claiming that I won $2,000. All I have to do is double click and... OH GOD!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!"

Stewie then runs out the door past Quagmire.

"Stewie, where the hell are you going?" said Quagmire as he then looks at the computer screen, "Well alright!"

**End Flashback**

Later at 7-11, a teenage boy comes up to the register purchasing funions and a soda.

"Hey, dude, I'll give this winning scratch and win ticket if you do me this one favor," said Zack.

"Sure! Anything's worth it!" said the Teen.

"Take this girl to Homecoming" said Zack as he showed him a picture of Meg.

The teen then proceeded to light himself on fire with gasoline and ran out the store screaming.

"Wuss..." muttered Zack.

Later, Zack comes up to a skater at the park.

"Hey, I'll buy you a new board if you go out with this girl," said Zack showing him the picture of Meg. The skater then proceeded to skate into the pond screaming while drowning himself.

"Idiot..." muttered Zack.

Later, Zack is at a the mall talking to yet another teen.

"...And I will give you all my worldly possessions if you go out with this girl," said Zack as he showed him the picture of Meg. The teen then proceeded by jumping off the ledge of the 2nd story.

"OH COME ONE!!! SHE DOESN'T LOOK _THAT_ BAD!!!"shouted Zack in frustration.

Later he went back to the Griffin's residence.

"Any luck," asked Lois.

"No," said Zack as he went up to his room, "That's why I'm gonna use a different method of 'persuasion.'"

Zack then came out of his room with a shotgun and cocked it before leaving the house. Later at an alleyway, Zack has his gun pointed to another teen's head.

"Go out with her of I'll blow your head off!" shouted Zack.

The teen looks at the picture, then the gun, the the picture, and then the gun again.

"It's not worth it. Just shoot me," said the teen.

"Oh I give up!" said Zack as he proceeded to knock the boy out with a blow from the butt of the gun. Back at the Griffin residence, Zack and Brian are having a conversation.

"It's hopeless!" said Zack, "Every guy I asked either commited suicide or injured themselves. I ask why? Meg isn't that ugly, is she? I blew it."

"Don't blame yourself, Zack," said Brian, "You should be blaming the media, whose definition of attractive are blonde, boney girls with low intellect. This basically affects how Americans view 'attractive'."

"Or maybe it's cuz she's ugly," said Chris as he entered the room.

"Nobody asked you, lardbutt!" said Zack.

"So what happened?" asked Meg.

"I asked every teenaged boy in town and they all did something stupid," said Zack.

"Hey Brian," said Peter, "Why don't you chaperone for her again?"

"Oh no!" said Brian, "Not after what happened last time. No offense Meg, but you were a little, well, loopy."

"Well, that's it then" said Peter, "Meg is still alone and she still sucks since nobody will take her to homecoming."

"I'll take her," said Zack.

"You will?" asked Meg.

"He will?" asked Lois.

"Zack, you should reconsider," said Brian.

"No," said Zack, "I WANT to take her. If I don't do it, no one will and Meg might do something stupid like get a sex change and call herself 'Ron'."

"Oh, thank you Zack!" said Meg as she hugged him, "I'm gonna go call my friends."

Meg then ran to her room leaving the others alone.

"What the hell are you thinking, man," said Peter, "That's Meg!"

"Wow, you ARE daring" said Stewie, "He's willing to go where no man has gone before: Meg's vagin-"

"Shut up!" said Zack, "We're merely going as friends and nothing more."

"Just be careful not to show Meg the wrong kind of feelings," said Lois, "She may snap again."

"Don't worry," said Zack, "I'm gonna get changed"

Zack then walked upstairs to the attic to get changed into a suit.

"There goes a brave man," said Peter, "I call dibs on his N64!"

"I want his bed!" said Chris.

"YOU F#CKERS AREN'T GETTING JACK CAUSE I AIN'T GONNA DIE!!!!" shouted Zack. This was going to be a long night.

**End Chapter. **


	5. The Homecoming Dance

Disclaimer[Insert line about not owning Family Guy here

Chapter 5: **The Homecoming Dance **

Later that day, at around 5 pm, Meg and Zack had gotten fully dressed.

"How do I look?" asked Meg. She was wearing a red spaghetti-strapped dress that went down to her ankles and was not wearing her beanie.

"Meg you look stunning," said Lois, "Doesn't she look stunning, Peter?"

"Uhhh..." said Peter.

"She does," whispered Lois.

"Oh, yeah! She does!" said Peter, "I umm, especially like, umm, what she did with, umm... uhhh... She does!"

"Okay, does this suit look good?" asked Zack who was wearing a Black suit with a blight blue shirt and a red necktie. He still was wearing his green beanie, and refused to style his long hair.

"Zack, I think you should wear a pony tail," said Lois, "but other than that, you look handsome."

"Thanks," said Zack, "Meg, you look nice."

"You look nice, too Zack," said Meg, "Thank you again for wanting to go with me."

"No problem," said Zack.

"Before you two go, I wanna take a picture of you two" said Lois.

"Go ahead," said Zack as Lois took a snapshot of the two.

"Hah!" said Peter as he grabbed the polaroid, "Now that I've got your picture, I can blackmail you!"

"How?" asked Zack.

"I'll post it on the internet, and everyone will laugh at you for being with Meg," said Peter.

"Do what you want, Peter. I don't care," said Zack.

"Are you sure?" asked Peter.

"Yep."

Peter then took a few steps upstairs, and turned back.

"I'm gonna post it right now."

"Go ahead."

Peter then took a few more steps, and turned back.

"I mean it. I'm gonna post it."

"Fine."

Peter then walked up some more, and turned back.

"I'm gonna really do it."

"Still not caring."

Peter then quickly walked back downstairs and gave the photo back.

"OH, FINE! TAKE IT!!!" shouted Peter in frustration, "You're no fun."

"...Okay... Well, you two try to have a good time," said Lois as she waved goodbye to Zack and Meg who were leaving in Zack's car.

xxxx

At the school Gymnasium, Zack and Meg arrived to dance to see lights, decorations, and other teens either dancing or having a conversation.

"Isn't this nice?" asked Meg, "Just listen to the music. Don't you just wanna dance?"

"Uhhh, no. At least not yet. Listen, I'm gonna go get us some punch," said Zack as he walked over to the punch bowl. As soon as Zack left, Connie and the other popular kids came by.

"Hello Meg. Where's your date?" said Connie, "Oh I forgot! You don't have one!"

The other kids then laughed at Meg as she became embarassed.

"For your information, Connie, I DO have a date," said Meg.

"You do? Oh wait, I do see him," said Connie, "He's just invisible. Hello there, Meg's 'date'."

"Stop it, Connie," said Meg.

"What's going on over here?" said Zack, "And who's this broad?"

"THAT is your date?" asked Connie, "You're going out with Shaggy, now?"

"So you're Connie, huh?" asked Zack, "You look just like how I pictured you."

"Like the woman you wish you had," she asked.

"No, like a stupid whore!" he said.

"What?!?" said Connie in annoyance.

"Um let's go Zack," said Meg as she pulled him away to sit on the bleachers and talk to him.

"Perky little bitch, ain't she?" said Zack.

"Zack, that's Connie, the most popular girl in school," said Meg.

"Wonder how she got so popular?" Zack asked, "Did she spread her legs to the whole football team?"

"Actually... yes," said Meg, "But you need to be careful about what you say. Those jocks could really mess you up."

"Right, right," said Zack, "I'll watch it. Punch?"

"Thanks," said Meg as she took a sip of the red drink. Then Connie walked up to them.

"I demand an apology from 'Shaggy' over there," said Connie, "I don't appreciate being called a whore."

"I'm not saying Jack until you apologize to Meg for that invisible man crack," said Zack, "I heard it on the way back."

"Zack, maybe you should just apologize," said Meg.

"Fine, I'm sorry," said Zack as he rolled his eyes.

"Thank you," said Connie before she hit Meg's cup of punch which made it spill onto her dress, "Oooops."

"My dress is ruined!" shouted Meg, "You did that on purpose!"

"Meg! Here let me clean that off for you," said Zack as he tipped his own cup of punch which spilled on Connie's dress, "whoooooooops!"

"MY DRESS!!!" screamed Connie, "You son of a bitch!"

"Oh, don't wory, I'll get that stain off" said Zack as he runned with a rag but the stain got larger and somehow turned black, "Oops, I'm using my car rag!"

"Argh!!! You ruined my dress," said Connie before Zack threw the rest of his punch on Connie.

"And now I ruined your hair," said Zack and Connie walked off angrily. Zack was then grabbed by one of the jocks.

"Hey, we didn't like what you did to Connie," said one of the jocks.

"Oh yeah?" Zack challenged, "And what are you gonna do about it?"

The other football players began their fists into their palms growling. All Meg could do was turn away and cover her eyes...

[3 minutes later

"Are you alright?" asked Meg to an injured Zack who had a blackeye, bloodied nose, and his suit torn up.

"I'm fine," said Zack, "But those Jocks are the ones who are gonna need help."

The Jocks, however, were all bloodied, beaten and some were missing some of their hair. They where all over the place; One was stuck in the basketball hoop, one in the punchbowl, and one whit his head in between the door to the bathroom. Meg then hears a slow romantic song playing.

"Thank you for standing up for me against Connie," said Meg, "That was very sweet."

"No problem," said Zack as he rubbed the back of his neck, "Uh, listen, Meg. I like you."

"I know that" she said, "We are friends after all."

"No, I mean I REALLY like you," said Zack, "Ever since we met in the 7 Eleven, I developed a crush on you. You're sweet, smart, and cute, but nobody in Quahog seems to see that. They seem to be more interested in self absorbed sluts like Connie, or ditzes like my half-sister, Jillian..."

"Jillian's your half-sister?" asked Meg, "She's Brian's girlfriend!"

"Wow. I always knew my sister had poor taste in men, but damn! A dog?" said Zack, "Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. It just makes me so mad that everyone, even your own family, makes fun of you and call you ugly, so I always defend you. When I look at you, I don't see fat, or ugly. I see someone who could be my destined soulmate. Meg, I love you."

Meg then blinked for a moment. She didn't know what to say. She never met anyone who felt this way about her. It almost made her cry. In fact it did.

"Oh Zack!" said Meg as she leapt into his arms and kissed him on the cheeks, "I love you too."

"The DJ's still here," said Zack, "Would you like to have this last dance?"

"I'd love to" said Meg as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Zack put his hands on her hips and they danced the night away. They were hoping that the song and this night would never end...

**End Chapter.**


	6. Keeping a Secret

Disclaimer: Take a wild guess.

**Chapter 6: Keeping a Secret**

The very next day, Zack was downstairs eating cereal. His head was still throbbing fromthe fight with the jocks. Meg then walked into the kitchen to talk with Zack.

"Morning, Zack," said Meg as she gave him a kiss.

"What was that for?" Zack groaned.

"Don't you remember last night at the dance?" she asked, "You told me that you loved me and we danced the night away."

"We did?" asked Zack, "Listen, that was a big mistake. I had no idea what I was doing since the punch was spiked and all."

"You mean... you don't love me?" asked Meg as tears filled her eyes, "Everything you said was a lie?"

Zack then stared at Meg for about 20 seconds and then busted out laughing.

"Gotcha! You know I love you, baby," said Zack as he planted a kiss on Meg, "It's just that I hurt so bad from that fight."

Then Lois walked into the room making breakfast for the rest of the family.

"Good morning you two," said Lois, "So how was the dance last night?"

"It was great," said Meg, "You won't believe it, but last night Zack said that he love-"

Zack quickly covered Meg's mouth so she couldn't say another word.

"What was that, Meg?" asked Lois.

"She was saying that I said how much I loved her dress," said Zack, "Nothing more!"

"Oh, okay then," said Lois, "I'm gonna go wake up Peter."

Lois then left the room and Zack quickly removed his hand from Meg's mouth.

"What the hell did you do that for?" Meg asked.

"Meg, we can NOT tell her about last night!" said Zack.

"Why not?" she asked, "Is it because you're suddenly embarassed about the thought of us being together?"

"No, because I would suddenly disappear and you would suddenly have humburgers for dinner but then realise that you didn't have hamburger meat in the fridge and that your mother never went to the store that day!" said Zack, "Remember what she did when I brought you back home 2 weeks ago?"

"Oh, right," she said, "But what are we gonna do?"

"In order for this to work, we need to keep this relationship in the shadows," said Zack, "Nobody is to know."

"I don't see what the big deal is," said Meg, "We're just two teenagers in love."

"That's just it!" said Zack, "I'm NOT a teenager! I'm 20!"

"What?!?!" said Meg in a manner that was loud, but not loud enough for anyone else to hear, "When were you going to tell me?"

"Uh, right now?" said Zack sarastically, "The point is that if people knew about us being together, They'll call it statutory rape and I could go to jail."

"But we're only 3 years apart," said Meg.

"Oh yeah, Quahog is sooo understanding," said Zack sarcastically, "That's why there are sooo many black people here other than Cleveland. That's why nobody makes racist jokes. That's why-"

"Okay, I get it," said Meg, "We'll keep it a secret."

"At least until you turn 18," said Zack, "Here comes the others."

Peter, Lois, Chris, Stewie and Brian sat at the breakfast table along with Meg and Zack. Lois then served Meg, Peter, and Chris Eggs and Bacon, while Brian got his dog food and Stewie had babyfood.

"So Zack, how did things go last night?" asked Peter.

"I beat up 3 jocks," said Zack.

"So nothing happened?" asked Stewie, "Nothing sexual? Nothing like taking your hotdog and putting it into one of Meg's donuts? You know, sexual intercourse or that sort of thing? Tell me! Tell me, did you need to use a paperbag? I'll bet he used a paperbag!"

"No, we did not engage in whoopie or even mouth whoopie," said Zack, "Anyway, you seem to talk dirty for a 1 year old baby."

"Oh, yeah, well you seem quite stupid for a- Say, how old are you?" asked Stewie.

"Uh, gotta get to work!" said Zack nervously, "That Slurpee machine ain't gonna fix itself." Zack then quickly left the house. Meg hurriedly followed him outside leaving the others in the kitchen.

"Did you see that?" asked Lois, "He dodged the age question."

"He did?" asked Peter, "This could mean only one thing... He's an immortal. We must capture him and force him to tell us the secrets of him immortality!"

"No, I don't think he's immortal," said Lois, "But it would explain why he can look at Meg without killing himself. I wonder how old is he? "

"From what I remember, he was 18 when he was working at Burger King" said Chris.

"Oh my god, that means he's 20!" said Lois, "Peter, we let a 20 year old man take our 17 year old daughter to Homecoming!"

"I don't see what the big deal is," said Peter, "As long as they didn't do anything wrong."

"That's just it, Peter," said Lois, "I'll bet something did happen at the prom! I'm going to find out what."

Just then, Zack and Meg walk into the kitchen.

"I'm gonna take Meg to the mall so she can get a new dress," said Zack, "Her old one got ruined by Connie last night."

"Oh really?" asked Lois, "I want to know what happened last night."

"Okay," said Zack, "Meg and I went to Homecoming, and we ran into Connie. Connie insuled her and I insulted her back. She got angry and wanted me to apologize so I did, but she spilled punch on Meg's dress which in turn led he into spilling punch on her dress AND her hair. This made the jocks mad so they tried to beat me up, but since I'm a convient store clerk and get mugged like everyday, I took fighting classes at the YMCA and took out the Jocks. Then I- er, I mean that's it."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" said Peter, "You went to the YMCA? That disproves your theory then Lois. Zack's gay."

"Peter that's insulting," said Lois, "Not everyone at the Y is gay."

"Anyway, we're leaving, now," said Zack as he and Meg left the room.

"He didn't finish his story," said Lois, "I'm following them."

"Oh! Oh! Can I come too?" asked Peter.

"Peter, someone needs to stay home and watch Stewie," said Lois.

"I'll do it," said Chris.

"Someone who's not an idiot," said Lois before realizing that she wanted Peter to stay home, "Wait..."

"Fine! I'll do it," said Brian, "Just I always do. Just why am I always stuck with Stewie anyway? He's YOUR kid."

"We honstly don't know," said Lois, "Anyway, Peter, we've got to see what Zack and Meg are hiding from us."

**End Chapter.**


	7. Movies and Strip Poker

**Chapter 7: ** **Movies and Strip Poker**

At the Quahog mall, Meg and Zack are the clothing store looking for a new dress. Zack was paying for it. Little did they know, Lois and Peter where spying on them withing one of the clothes holders.

"How about... this one?" asked Meg.

"Nah, too skanky," said Zack.

"What's so skanky about it?" asked Meg.

"Britany Spears once wore one like that," said Zack.

"Eww," said Meg as she slowly put it away.

Meanwhile in the clothes holder...

"It's been an hour already! When are they gonna talk about last night?" asked Lois in frustration.

"Lois this is boring," said Peter, "Wait, I got it! We'll play I spy."

"Peter, this is no time for games," said Lois.

"C'mon, It'll be fun," said Peter.

"Oh fine," said Lois, "You go first."

"Okay. I spy with my eye, something in the room that's... blue. Guess what it is," said Peter.

"Peter, all I see are clothes," said Lois.

"Just guess."

"Fine is the blue turtleneck shirt?"

"Nooooope!"

"Those blue jeans?"

"Noooooope!"

The blue jersey?"

"Noooooope!"

"Dammit Peter! Every f#cking piece of clothing in this clothes holder is either blue or has blue on it!"

"Yes... But which one?" asked Peter.

"AAAARGH!!!"

(Back to the store)

"What was that?" asked Meg.

"I dunno," said Zack, "Kinda sounded like your mom. Anyway can we go now? We've been searching for an hour."

"Well we wound be gone if someone would stop criticising every dress I wore," said Meg.

"Sorry, but I don't really want my girlfriend dressing up like a hooker," said Zack.

"Girlfriend?" asked Lois.

"Anyway, after this, maybe you can help me pick out some underwear," said Meg slyly.

"Whoa! Let's not go there," said Zack, "Remember, we said we would not tempt each other for sex until you turned 18."

"Okay, then we'll go to the movies instead," said Meg as she and Zack walked to the counter.

(back inside the clothes holder)

"Peter, I think they became a couple last night!" said Lois, "Meg is dating a 20 year old."

"Did you guess what it was?" asked Peter.

"Are you still on that game," asked Lois in annoyance, "Our daughter is involved in statutory rape. Come one!"

"Okay, it was the blue khakis," said Peter as he and Lois headed out, "And the term is Statutory surprise sex. And they did say they weren't actually having sex."

"Still, he's too old for Meg," said Lois, "I want her with someone close to her age."

"Like, who? What teenager in Quahog would want to go out with Meg other than Niel Goldman? I say as long as she's happy we should leave it at that."

"Wait, are you CARING about Meg?" asked Lois.

"What? Can't a father care about the feelings of his own daughter every once in a while?" said Peter.

"You didn't care when you threw her out of the house," said Lois.

"I said every once in a while, not every damn day," said Peter.

"Your probably right, Peter. But I want to check on them at the movies. I don't want any funny stuff happening," said Lois.

Later at the movies, Meg and Zack were watching some romance movie that she really wanted to watch. This made Zack and Peter(who was with Lois spying on them) uncomfortable since it wasn't manly.

"Are there any explosions?" asked Zack.

"No," said Meg.

"Any cool fight scenes?"

"No."

"Any scene where the main character acts like a drunken retard?"

"No."

"Any gun fights or sword fights?"

"No."

"ANY violence at all?"

"No."

"Then why the hell am I watching this crap?!?!" asked Zack as he got up to leave.

"Because you love me?" said Meg.

"Oh, right," said Zack as he sat down and held Meg's hand.

"So what are they doing now?" asked Peter as he shoved popcorn into his mouth.

"I think they're holding hands," said Lois.

"No I mean the couple in the movie," asked Peter.

"Who cares?!?!" said Lois.

"Then why the hell did you make me spend 8 bucks on a movie you weren't even going to watch?" asked Peter.

"So we can spy on Meg and Zack," answered Lois.

"Oh, right."

About two hours later near the end of the movie the lead female is dying in a coma. The leaqd male comes in trying to tell her how he felt about her, but it is too late and she is gone. Zack and Meg are both crying.

"That was just so sad," said Zack as he sobbed.

"I remember being like that girl," said Meg, "Alone and unloved. I always thought that I would never find true love until the very last seconds of my life. Meeting you was the best thing to ever happen to me."

In the back rows, Lois had heard this.

"I can't break them up," said Lois, "Zack may be her only chancce for true love or else she might become lonely forever. Let's go, Peter. Umm, Peter?"

"This is just so sad!" sobbed Peter.

"Come on! Peter," said Lois as she dragged Peter from out of the theatre.

Later at the Griffin house, Zack and Meg walked into the living where Lois and Peter were.

"Hi, you two," said Lois, "So what took you so long?"

"We were just at the mall," said Meg as she looked at Zack and smiled, "And nowhere else."

"You two don't have to lie to us," said Lois, "You were at the movies."

"Uh oh," said Zack, "Listen, Lois, we weren't trying to..."

"Look, it's okay, Zack," said Lois, "I understand that you two are in love. You two just want to start a harmless relationship, but your age differences will make it hard. That's why I want to help keep it a secret."

"Thank you, mom," said Lois, "And what does dad think?"

"Well he said-"

"I said it was sick and wrong, but I promised your mother I wouldn't do jack squat about it," said Peter.

"But Peter, didn't you say-?" asked Lois.

"Ixnay, Lois." said Peter, "Anyway, I wonder how Brian, Stewie, and Chris are?"

They then walked up to Stewie's room where they saw Stewie, Chris and Brian playing strip poker. Chris and Stewie are in their underwear, while Brian isn't since he's always naked.

"Holy Crap! Why the hell are you guys playing strip poker?!?!" asked Peter.

"It's a long story," said Chris.

**End Chapter.**


	8. My Sister is a Moron

Disclaimer:

Me: Guess what? Guess what?

Meg: What?

Me: I am now the proud owner of Family Guy!

Zack: Umm, no you're not.

Me: What do you mean?

Meg: Tying up Seth MacFarlane and locking him in a closet does not make you own Family

Guy.

Seth(From the closet): MMMPH!!! MMMPHHH!!!

Me: Does so.

Meg: Don't listen to this guy. He does NOT own Family Guy.

Zack: The only thing he own is me.

Me: Oh, fine! Let's get the fic going.

Seth(still in closet): MMMMMPH!!! MMMMMPH!!!! MMMMPPPPHHHH!!!!

Me: SHUT UP!!!

----

**Chapter 8: My Sister is a Moron**

Zack had gotten home from a hard day at work. You'd be tired too after a long day of getting robbed, getting beaten up by customers who complain about the prices, and yelling at your boss/dad all day. He was too damn tired to drag himself all the way upstairs into the attic so he walked into the living and dropped himself onto the couch. It was then that he noticed that no one was there. No Lois, no Peter, no Chris, no Brian, no Stewie, not even Meg. He really wanted someone to talk to, but since nobody was there things were rather quiet. He thought to himself that quiet was good and that he should take a nap. However, before he could close his eyes, the phone rang.

"Wonder who that is?" he muttered to himself as he picked up the phone, "Hello?"

"Hello? Is Brian there?" asked a female from the line.

"He's not here. Who is this?" Zack asked.

"This is Jillian," she said.

"Oh no!" said Zack as his eyes widened in horror.

"Wait a minute? Zackie?" said Jillian, "Is that you?"

"Umm, no," said Zack as he covered his nose to make a nasally voice, "This is Bill, ummmm, Humperdinkle!"

"Well Bill ummmm Humperdinkle," said Jillian, "Could you tell Brian I'm on my way over."

"Um sure. Goodbye!" said Zack as he hung up the phone and laid back down on the couch. 2 seconds later the doorbell rang. Zack then got up, threw one of the cushions accross the room, and walked to the door as he muttered cuss words under his breath. As he opened the door, to his surprise(and dismay), there stood Jillian.

"What the?!?" he shouted.

"Zackie!" said Jillian as she gave her younger brother a hug, "What are you doing here?"

"I live here!" said Zack, "And why did you call when you were at the doorway?"

"I wanted better reception," she replied as Zack gave her a blank stare for half a minute, "Anyway, where's Bill ummmm Humperdinkle?"

"There is no Bill ummmm Humperdinkle," said Zack, "I made him up."

"Are you sure?" said Jillian, "He sure sounded real to me."

Zack placed his palm onto his face as he slowly dragged it down. He then held onto his nose and said, "I am Bill ummmm Humperdinkle."

"Oh my gosh! It is you!" said Jillian in amazement, "Now do someone else!"

"Jillian, go away!" said Zack as he pointed out.

"But I came to see Brian," said Jillian, "And besides, you're not the boss of me. I'm older so nyah!"

"Well I'm smarter!" said Zack.

"Prove it," said Jillian.

"What's 2 plus 2?" aksed Zack.

"..."

"What's 1 plus 1?"

"..."

"What's the first letter of the alphabet?"

"..."

Zack rolled his eyes, "What is your name?"

"..."

"Jillian, you can't even remem-"

"Wait! Wait, I know this one," interrupted Jillian, "It's Patrick! Right?"

Zack just sighed heavily as he hung his head in frustration. Just that very moment, the rest of the family had gotten home from the grocery store. The first thing Zack noticed was that they did not bring him any onion dip... Then he noticed that Meg looked beat up.

"Meg! What the hell happened?" asked Zack.

"What do you think?" asked Meg, "Lard ass got me in trouble with the supermarket!"

**Flashback**

The Griffins were about to leave the supermarket, when Peter gets an idea.

"Hey, Lois. Watch this," said Peter as he placed a can of soup in Meg's back pocket. Meg walked out but the alarm sounded.

"YOU!" shouted a security officer, "DROP WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE HOLDING!!!"

"What? But I didn't do anything!" shouted Meg, but then they released the dogs and she ran screaming. Peter, Stewie, and Chris were laughing their heads off as the dogs began mauling Meg.

"Peter, you know Zack's gonna kill you for this," said Brian.

"Nah, Zack's cool," said Peter, "He's cool about everything."

**End Flashback**

"YOU FAT BASTARD TURD!!!" shouted Zack as he grabbed Peter in a chokehold from behind and continiously knee'd him in his spine rather hard, "YOU WANT TO ENTERTAIN YOURSELF, GET A GAMEBOY BUT DO _**NOT**_ HURT MY GIRLFRIEND!!!"

"You leave my dad alone!" shouted Chris.

"YOU WANT NEXT, TWINKIE???" shouted Zack as his eyes looked rather bloodshot.

"You know, Dad really needed to be taught a lesson," said Chris as he sat down.

"Some son you are," said Peter as Zack finally let him go, "Hey, Brian. That hot chick girlfriend of yours is here."

"Jillian?" asked Brian, "What are you doing here?"

"I needed your help," Jillian explained, "Remember that computer you bought me? Well, it doesn't work."

"Really?" asked Brian, "What did you do?"

"Well, I took it out of the box and I told it to work, but all it did was sit there," said Jillian.

"No way!" said Peter, "My computer did that to me too!"

"Did you try putting it together and then plugging it in?" asked Zack.

"Is that what that other stuff was for?" asked Jillian.

"Forget it," said Zack defeated.

"So anyway, Jillian," said Peter, "You wanna stay a little bit?"

"I'd love to!" said Jillian, "I'd really like to catch up with my little brother, Zackie."

"Zack's your brother?" asked Lois.

"HALF brother!" said Zack in annoyance, "We only have the same mom."

"But you can't me my half brother," said Jillian, "You're a whole person."

"Since you're Zack's sister, can you tell us stories about when you were kids?" asked Meg.

Zack then began to make comical jestures that said 'no'!

"I'd love to!" said Jillian, "When we were litte kids, Zack would used to run around in his underwear, wearing a cape and pretending to be a superhero! It was the cutest thing ever! Here are some pictures."

Everyone gathered to take a look. Snickering and giggling could be heard.

"Awwww," said Meg, "He looked so cute."

"Looked?!?" aksed Zack, "Wadda ya mean _looked_?!?!"

"Whoa man, that's um, that's pretty embarrasing," said Stewie, "I mean look at you. You were running around in your freaking underwear when you were a lad."

"Well... as long as she doesn't show those _other_ photos," said Zack.

"Now here are the _other_ photos, " said Jillian as she dug into her purse, "Zackie's bath time pictures"

"God F#ck! I hate you so much right now," said Zack as he fell backwards onto the ground and rocked from side to side.

"Zack, it's okay," said Lois, "We're laughing with you, not at you."

"HAHAHA!" laughed Peter pointing at Zack right before he grabbed the most blunt object near him and threw it at Peter shutting him up for a while.

"Zack, It's nothing to be embarrassed about," said Meg, "In fact, I wish someone would show baby pictures of me."

"Yeah, that would be possible. IF WE TOOK ANY BABY PICTURES OF YOU! HAHAHA!" laughed Peter, before Zack smashed a wooden chair on him, "OW! WHAT THE HELL?!?! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?!"

"Sorry, just needed something to break" said Zack, "So any more ways to strip away my dignity, sis?"

"Nope," said Jillian rather cheerfully, "By the way, what's a dignity?"

"I thought so," said Zack.

"Say, Jillian," said Brian, "If you want, how about I take you on a date tonight?"

"I'd love to!," said Jillian, "Hey Zack, you and your boyfriend can come, too! It'll be a double date!"

"SHE'S A FRIKKIN' GIRL!!!" shouted an angry Zack, "AND NO!!!"

"Come on Zack," said Meg, "It'll be fun!"

"But I don't wanna," said Zack in a whiney tone, "I just don't."

"Pleeeease? For Me?" begged Meg.

"Oh, alright," said Zack as he lightly kissed Meg, "For you, sweetie."

"Oh, ewww! He kissed Meg!" said Peter, "I haven't seen anything that gross since, uh... since... ummm... okay I got nothing."

"What?" said Stewie, "No non sequiter with a random flashback from the fatman?"

"Look I said I got nothing," said Peter.

"Well, this, um, this is a first," said Lois.

"What will we do?" asked Meg in panic.

"Quick, somebody do something for about a minute!" shouted Stewie, "That's how long the flashbacks usually are!"

"I think I'll just end the chapter instead," said Zack as everything faded to black.

**End Chapter.**

**------**

**Please review!**


	9. Double Date, Swingers, And An Evil Lobst

Author's note: If you're having trouble picturing Zack here's a link to a pic: (sorry it seems it won't let me post the link. Oh well, it's at Deviantart undermy username of VictorTheBabysitter in my scraps section)

Family Guy.

**Chapter 9: Double Date, Swingers, And An Evil Lobster**

Meg, Zack, Brian, and Jillian were seated in a nice resteraunt at a table for three. Zack didn't really want to be there, but Meg did and that's why he's here. After ordering, the two couples engaged in conversation.

"So, Zack," said Jillian, "What have you been doing lately? I hope you stopped working at that dirty 7 Eleven with dad."

"I once lived there," said Zack coldly, "And I still work there."

"Oh," said Jillian.

"Zack, I'm curious to know why you can't get another job," asked Brian.

"Everyone else is afraid to hire me because they think I hate fat people," said Zack.

"That can't be true. After all, you do love Meg," joked Brian. Everyone laughed, including Meg and Zack, "Seriously, though, you two are a beautiful pair."

"So how did you two meet?" asked Jillian.

"I met Zack when I got stranded in uncharted Quahog," said Meg, "It was during the Homecoming Dance that he said he was in love me."

"So anyway," said Zack, "How did you and Brian meet?"

"We both met at a Quizno's" said Jillian, "And we both ordered the same sandwhich."

"Wow, that's, um... that's... very interesting," lied Zack.

"I know! Isn't it?" asked Jillian.

The waiter then came with thier food. Jillian and Brian were sharing a lobster, Meg had salad, and Zack had steak.

"Finally!" said Zack.

"I was thinking after dinner we can go over to my apartment and swing," said Jillian in a naughty manner. Zack and Brian then spat out their water... on Meg.

"Hey!" shouted Meg.

"SWING?!?!?" said Zack and Brian in unison.

"You're my friggin' sister!" said Zack.

"And she's... Meg!" said Brian.

"C'mon, Brian," said Jillian, "It'll be fun!"

"Wait, maybe she means being on swings," said Zack.

"Actually," said Jillian as she wispered something into his ear. Zack's eyes became as big as dinnerplates.

"OH GOD!!!" shouted Zack, "You guys are swingers?!?!"

"Not exactly," whispered Brian, "I asked her to say this for the next date and we were gonna double date with Peter and Lois."

"Ahh," said Zack in realization.

"Sorry, Jillian," said Meg, "But we can't do it. I'm still 17."

"Oh okay then," said Jillian, "If you're still underaged."

When Brian and Jillian were about to touch their lobster, it hissed and then jumped and clamped onto Zack's nose.

"BY DOSE!!!" Zack yelled, "ID'S GOD BY DOSE!!!"

"OH MY GOD!" Meg shrieked.

"Don't panic!" said Jillian as she pulled out a 2x4, "I got it!"

With that, Jillian repeatedly hit the lobster, and Zack's face rather hard.

"SDOP ID!!! YOUR ODLY MAGGING ID WORSE!!!" shouted Zack.

"What?!?!" said Jillian as she hit him again.

"He says you're only making it worse!" said Brian.

Meg then took the 2x4 from Jillian and slapped the lobster off of Zack's nose which flew across the room and shattered through a window.

"Zack, are you alright?" asked Meg.

"My nose is bleeding," said Zack, "But other than that I'm okay."

"That was a close one and OH MY GOD IT'S BACK!!!!" shouted Brian as he pointed to the lobster. It jumped back through the window and was coming towards Meg fast.

"I THINK I MADE IT ANGRY!!!" shouted Meg. The lobster then leapt at her, but Zack blocked it with a dinner plate. The lobster then got a hold of his finger which made Zack run around the resteraunt like a screaming maniac. He then ran into the back kitchen where he kept beating the lobster against the wall. He then managed to throw the lobster into a pot of boiling hot water.

"SEE YOU IN HELL YOU SONUVABITCH!!!" shouted Zack as he slammed the lid on the lobster before it could escape. The a strange dying noise could be heard from within the pot.

Zack then returned to his table all tired and stuff.

"...Okay, I think we should call it a night," said Brian.

"Agreed," said Zack.

"I trust that you had a pleasant evening?" asked the waiter, "And here is the bill."

Zack, Meg, Jillian, and Brian then studied the bill.

"Um, did anyone remember to bring money?" asked Meg. Everyone else shook their heads.

"Somebody has to pay the bill," said the waiter impatiently.

"I've got an idea," whispered Zack to the others, "It seems that I forgot my wallet," said Zack out loud, "But that guy's my best friend and he'll be happy to pay for us."

Zack was then pointing to a random passerby who had no idea what was going on.

"Sir, I don't know those people," said the man.

"YOU LIE!" shouted the waiter as he pulled out a machinegun and chased the poor man. Zack, Meg, Brian and Jillian then fled the scene.

Meanwhile in the kitchen, the pot lid slowly slid off and out came... A LOBSTER'S CLAW!!!

"Oh no you don't!" said one of the chefs as he slammed the lid back on and turned the temperature even higher.

"We really need to stop undercooking the lobsters," said one of the other chefs.

**End Chapter.**


	10. Descision Time

**Chapter 10: Descision Time**

Zack and Meg had been going out for months. 5 months to be exact. Throughout the 5 months, they had kept their promise to not have sex until Meg turned 18. Although sometimes they were tempted, like when Zack once walked in on Meg in her underwear, they kept their word. It was still many months away from Meg's 18th birthday so the wait would be a long one. However, that promise may be broken soon as Meg had just said:

"Zack, I'm ready."

"Ready for what?" asked Zack as he was watching TV in his room/attic.

"I wanna have sex," she said.

"What? But we said that-"

"We said that we'd wait until my 18th birthday, I know. But I don't want to wait! I want us to take our relationship to the next level, now!"

"Meg, you're still legally a minor, and I'm legally an adult," Zack explained, "It's a bad idea."

"We'll do it in the attic," said Meg.

"Forget it," said Zack.

"Jimmy Fallon did it to me and he's an adult," said Meg.

"He did?!?! How was he?" asked Zack.

"Well, he was pretty nice," said Meg.

"God I hate that guy so much! I'll bet I can do it like a million times better than he can!" said Zack.

"Does that mean...?" asked Meg.

"Yes! Tonight, we make love!" said Zack.

Then a few seconds later, Zack is running downstairs to Peter.

"Peter, can I talk to you for a second?" asked Zack, "In private?"

"Um, Sure," said Peter.

Zack than directed Peter to follow him into the basement. There, he turned on the stereo and turned it up to the point where nothing else could be heard. Zack began moving his lips but Peter heard nothing.

"WHAT?" shouted Peter.

Zack spoke again but nothing came out.

"WHAT?"

Zack then shook his head and turned off the radio and shouted:

"I'M A VIRGIN!!!"

"Oh my god!" said Peter disgusted, "Why did you have to tell me that?!?!"

"Sorry, I guess I should've explained first," said Zack, "Meg wants us to have sex and I told her I could do it better that than Jimmy Falon guy. Then I remembered that I'M A VIRGIN!!!"

"Having sex with Meg?" asked Peter, "Now why did you have to tell me _THAT_?!?!

"The point is, I need your help!" said Zack, "You and Lois have done it alot and she seems satisfied! Teach me everything you know!"

"Have you looked at porn?" asked Peter.

"Yeah."

"Then you already know as much as I do!"

"Oh, then I guess Lois is faking it then."

"What?"

"Huh?" asked Zack, "Did I say something?"

"I thought you did, sorry." said Peter, "Anyway, how about we hang out with the guys? They're bound to give you pointers!"

Later at the Drunken Clam, Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, Joe, and Zack are chatting and having a few drinks.

"So anyway, Meg wants us to have sex tonight and I don't know what to do," said Zack.

"Oh that's easy," said Quagmire, "Why don't you and Meg come over to my house and I'll teach you guys."

"Wow, Quagmire, that's a great ide- WAIT A MINUTE! FORGET IT!!!" said Zack.

"Are you sure you wanna go through with this?" asked Joe, "I mean, Meg is only 17. And you're 20."

"Will you arrest me if I do?" asked Zack.

"Nah, I don't really give a damn," said Joe, "I just want to make sure you know what you're doing."

"Yeah," said Cleveland, "If y'all don't know what you're doing, Meg could end up pregnant."

"I know about safe sex," said Zack, "I remeber being taught by my dad."

**Flashback**

Zack is only 13 and he's in his room with his dad talking.

"Whenever you have sex, use these," said his dad.

"Why?" asked the young Zack.

"So you don't end up stuck having a lousy kid like you," said his father.

**End Flashback**

"I hate that bastard so much!" said Zack.

"Yeah, safe sex is the key," said Peter, "So you can't have a kid like-"

"If you don't want me to hurt you, don't finish that sentence," said Zack.

"...Meg," said Peter before Zack broke his beer bottle over his head, "OWWW!!! OKAY I'LL STOP!!!"

"Okay, Zack, I'm gonna give you some advice," said Quagmire, "Meg will love you whether or not you're lousy in bed, so just TRY to do your best. If you are bad, you'll get better later on."

"Wow, thanks Quagmire," said Zack as he was about to leave, "I... still think you're a wierdo."

"I know Zack... I know," said Quagmire as he game him a thumbs up. Zack then gave him a thumbs up back.

"Wow, that was pretty corny," said Peter.

Zack then makes it home and bursts into Meg's room.

"Zack! So... are you ready," asked Meg.

"Listen, there's something I need to tell you," said Zack, "I'm... a virgin. I never had sex."

"So... I'm going to be your first?" asked Meg.

"Yes, so don't give me any flack if I'm bad at it, okay?" said Zack.

"Suddenly, I'm having second thoughts about this," said Meg.

"Why?" asked Zack, "I thought you wanted this."

"I do, It's just... you'll see me naked," said Meg.

"So?"

"No, my last boyfriend dumped me when he saw me naked."

"Oh, c'mon! You can't look that bad!" said Zack.

A few seconds later, Zack is running from out of Meg's room holding on to his face screaming! He then runs into Peter.

"Whoa! Zack what are you screaming about?" asked Peter

"I just saw Meg naked!" shouted Zack.

"Yeah, she looks horrible, huh?"

"Are you kidding? She's gorgeous!" said Zack.

"Then why are you running?"

"I just got a massive nosebleed is all. After I get some tissue, I'm going back."

Afterwards, Zack went back and did... IT with Meg. Afterwards, Meg and Zack talked a little.

"On a scale of 1-10, how was I," asked Zack.

"About 8," said Meg.

"8? Why 8?"

"I've only done it with one guy," explained Meg, "And I've only had a... different kind of sex with my last boyfriend."

"What kind?" asked Zack. Meg then whispered something into his ear as his face turned disgusted, "OH GOD!!! The EAR?!?!"

"We were trying to be abstinant," said Meg.

"Well there are some things that don't belong in the ear and that is one of those things!" said Zack.

"Zack, let's just forget about it," said Meg, "How about we try to raise your score up some more, instead?"

"With pleasure," said Zack, "And I do mean pleasure!"

Zack and Meg then crept under the covers. Stewie then walked into Meg's room.

"Meg, have you seen where I left Rup- OH GOOD LORD!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!" screamed Stewie as he ran from the room and into the bathroom, "SOAP!!! I NEED SOAP!!!"

**End Chapter.**


	11. A Turn For The Worse

**Chapter 11: A Turn For The Worse**

For Meg, last night was the greatest night of her life, except for the part where Stewie ran in. Some say the poor boy is scarred for life, but that's another story. Anyway, Zack had gone to work, and Meg was in the kitchen with Lois talking about last night.

"Zack and I made love last night," said Meg.

"WHAT?!?!?" shouted Lois as she took a look around and leaned closer to Meg, "Spill it! How was he?"

"Well, he was pretty wild."

"Really? What did he do?"

"Well, he..." then Meg whispered into Lois' ear. Lois then giggled.

"Wow! For a virgin, he sure knows how to press the right buttons," said Lois, "You think I can borrow him for a while?"

"Mom! He's mine," said Meg.

"Oh, honey, you know I'm just kidding," laughed Lois, "But seriously, can I borrow him for a day? You're father's getting a little rusty."

Meanwhile in the living room, Brian is watching the news.

"This is Tom Tucker. Today the studio decided to do something a little different," said Tom, "Now, some viewers have complained about the lack of a black reporter, so Ollie and I have switched positions. Today's forecast shows that there will be sunny skies with no clouds. Now to Ollie with the news. Ollie?"

"Lots of bad stuff happened!" shouted Ollie as the camera went back to Tom.

"Thank you Ollie," said Tom, "And now we go to our asian reporter, Tricia Takanawa live for this bad stuff that's happening."

"Thank you," said Tricia as she stood in front of Zack's 7 Eleven where gunshots could be heard, "It seems that a 7 Eleven store in uncharted Quahog is being robbed by 2 robbers. The store's clerk, Zack Murdock who is currently dating Quahog's own Meg Griffin even though he's older than her but we don't really give a damn because it's stopped her damn whining, is in a gunfight with the robbers."

"Oh my god," said Brian, "Meg you better look at this!"

"Why? What's going on-" asked Meg as she looked at the TV, "Oh my god! Zack!"

"Meg wait!" shouted Brian as Meg ran out to the car and drove off.

"Brian, where's Meg?" asked Lois as she and Peter walked into the living room.

"She took the car and is going to Zack's store!" said Brian, "It's a warzone over there!"

"Oh no! Peter we have to stop her!" said Lois.

"Wait just a second," said Peter, "Meg can drive?"

"Apparently she can in this story," said Lois, "But that's not important! We have to get to there before she gets hurt!"

Meanwhile at the 7 eleven, Zack kept firing with his trusty shotgun and duck on occasions while the two robbers continously fired their pistols. As the gunfight continued, Meg ran to the doorway of the convenient store.

"Zack! Zack, are you okay?" Meg shouted.

"Meg, get out of here!" shouted Zack, "It's too dangerous!"

The robbers then noticed Meg.

"Oh crap! It's that girl!" said one of the men.

"What?" asked Meg.

"Yeah, I remember her," said the other robber, "She wanted us to 'have our way with her' and then we pressed charges on her."

Zack then took a long look at Meg.

"It's a long story," she said.

"Wait, don't tell us you came her to try to make us rape you again, did you?" asked one of the robbers in fear.

"NO! I came here because you're shooting at my boyfriend!" said Meg.

"Really? Wow... You have poor taste in women," said the other robber to Zack.

"Well at least I don't go around with my gay lover robbing places," said Zack.

"WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT US BEING GA- er, I mean we are NOT gay, said the rabber as he grabbed grabbed Meg and pointed his gun to her head, "Now give us the money, or your girlfriend gets it!"

"Don't hurt her!" shouted Zack as he unbolted the cash register and threw it at them, "Here, take it!"

Needless to say, the impact knocked them out cold. Meg then ran to Zack and held on to him tightly.

"Are you okay?" he asked her.

"Yes. Just a little frightened," she said.

Just then, Peter, Lois, Chris, Stewie, and Brian showed up to the scene.

"We came here as fast as we-" said Peter as he noticed the robbers were knocked out, "Ah, never mind."

"So are you 2 alright?" asked Lois, "Did you get shot?"

"We're okay, Lois," said Zack, "Now how about we go on home?"

As they were about to leave, one of the robbers slowly got up, quickly grabbed Chris and pointed their gun at him.

"That wasn't funny!" he shouted, "So I'm gonna kill the fat kid just for fun!"

"Not Chris!" shouted Peter.

Before he could pull the trigger, Zack punched him off of Chris. He then tried to wrestle the gun out of his hand, but then an ominous gunshot was heard... Zack then clutched his side and fell over as he began to bleed uncontrollably.

"ZACK!!!" shrieked Meg as she ran over to him.

The robbers soon got away, but not before Peter took Zack's shot gun and shot at them a few times.

Zack! Zack!!! God, why is this happening!" cried Meg as tears rolled down her face , "SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!!!"

With that Peter, rushed to the nearest phone and dialed 911. He just hope they weren't too late.

**End Chapter.**


	12. Not The Final Chapter

**Chapter 12: **_**Not**_** The Final Chapter**

The Griffin family and Jillian(who they called and told her everything) were sitting in the waiting room of the hospital still waiting for the condition of Zack. Meg was especially worried about him. The gunshot wound was bleeding pretty bad by the time the ambulance got there, and she has been known to have such bad luck. If she lost him, then what? She would have to go back to her old life. Everyone would hate her and there would be no one to stand up for her like Zack did. Thankfully, Lois and Brian were there to comfort her.

"He'll be okay, sweetie," said Lois.

"Yeah, Meg. Zack's a strong guy," said Brian, "He'll pull through."

"Thanks," said Meg.

"He saved my life," Chris said, "Even after I cost him his job at Burger King, he saved my life."

"Oh man, this is more despressing than that episode of Sesame Street I saw yesterday," said Stewie.

**Flashback**

"Today on Elmo's world," said Elmo, "Elmo wants to talk about depression. You see, Elmo is depressed. Why? Because Elmo gets hate mail from fans who think Elmo is dominating Sesame Street. Then Elmo went on forums and found topics that say 'Elmo Sux'.", Elmo then began crying, "That's why Elmo is going to show you what happens to depressed people," Elmo then pulls out a gun, "THEY BECOME SUICIDAL!!!"

"Elmo! No!" shouted Big Bird, "Not again!"

"You were supposed to take your medication!" shouted Telly.

"Get back!" shouted Elmo, "GET BACK!"

"Elmo, You need help," said Bert, "That's why we're going to take you somewhere where you can get all the help you need."

"NO! ELMO'S NOT GOING BACK TO THAT F#CKING PLACE!!!" Shouted Elmo as he shot Bert. He then shot all the other muppets in the room and ponted the gun to his head, "NOW ALL I HAVE IS ONE LAST THING TO SAY TO ALL YOU HATERS; F#CK YOU!!!"

And with one pull of the trigger, the Elmo legacy was over.

**End Flashback**

"I have terrible news," said Dr. Hartman.

"Oh no! Zack is dead?!?!" cried Meg.

"No, he's fine," said Dr. Hartman, "It's just that I didn't get that PS3 I wanted. Someone outbid me on Ebay."

"Oh I'm so sorry," said Peter as he placed his hand on Dr. Hartman's shoulder.

"Can we see him?" asked Lois.

"Oh, sure," said Dr. Hartman.

As the family walked to Zack's room, Chris heard a voice call his name. He then went to where the voice came from and there he saw Herbert lying in a hospital bed.

"Mr. Herbert?" asked Chris, "What are you doing here?"

"Well, Chris," he said in that soothing, yet creepy voice, "I was hiding out in the woods watching the little boy scouts camping when out of nowhere, a big ol' bear attacked poor little ol' me."

"That's horrible!" said Chris, "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Well, you could stick around and give me a spongebath," said Herbert.

"Isn't that the nurse's job?"

"Yeah... well you see I don't trust them nurses. They could try to take advantage of my old, weak body," he said, "But I can trust you, Chris. So what do you say?"

"Sorry, but I'm visiting my sister's boyfriend," said Chris, "I'll see you later."

"Just remeber," said Herbert, "That offer's open anytime!"

Chris then made his way into Zack's hospital room, where he was lying down with his mid section wrapped up.

"Thank god you're alive," said Meg as she hugged him tight.

"GUNSHOT WOUND! GUNSHOT WOUND!" he shouted in pain.

"Sorry."

"I'm thankful you're alive, too," said Jillian, "I brought you your favorite book so you won't get bored: 'The Cat in The Hat'!"

"Cat in the Hat?" asked Zack, "I haven't read 'Cat in the Hat' since I was 5!"

"Your point being?" asked Jillian.

"Um, you can have it," said Zack.

"Really!" asked Jillian, "Oh thank you! It's just too bad I can never finish the book."

"Yeah, me neither," said Peter, "I always get stuck on page 3."

"Zack, I'm sorry I got you shot," said Chris, "And I'm sorry about the Burger King incident."

"Actually, I want to thank you for it," said Zack.

"Why?"

"If I didn't get fired, I would never have met Meg," said Zack, "So I'm not mad at you anymore."

"So when are you getting out of the hospital?" asked Meg.

"I've been shot so many times, I've started healing faster," he said, "I'll be out by tommorrow."

"That's great to hear," said Brian.

"Peter, Chris, Brian, Jillian" said Lois, "I think we should leave those two alone for a minute."

"What?" asked Peter, "But I wanna hear every mushy thing they're gonna say and laugh at them."

"Now!" said Lois as she and the others left the room.

"I thought I lost you, today," said Meg.

"I thought I was gonna lose _you_," said Zack, "What the hell were you thinking, coming to the store like that? You were almost killed!"

"I was worried, okay! In fact I always worry about you when you go to work!," said Meg as she started to cry, "Everyday there's either a robbery or an angry customer and you just shrug it off! I always get scared that someday, you'll be dead and I'll be alone again."

This little explanation sunk into Zack.

"Is that how you feel?" he Zack. Meg slowly nodded her head. Zack then sighed heavily and said, "Then I'm going to quit my job. No point in worrying you half to death."

"But what will you do?" asked Meg.

"Who knows," said Zack, "Personally, I want to be a mechanic. They make good money."

"Well, as long as you don't get shot at on a daily basis," said Meg as she held onto Zack's hand, "I'll see you tommorrow."

"I'll see you too," said Zack as Meg was leaving the room. When she opened the door she saw Peter stumbling about with a glass cup.

"Were you evesdropping on us?" Meg asked.

"...Maybe," said Peter.

"Well, it doesn't matter," said Lois, "What's important is that Zack's alive and we can all go back to living like we did before he got shot."

"Well, since he won't be at home..." said Peter.

"DON'T TOUCH MY N64!!!" shouted Zack, "OR MEG!!!"

"Crap!" he said as he snapped his fingers.

The next day, Peter picked up Zack from the hospital and brought him to the house. Zack was still pretty injured but was well enough to walk on his own. He was then greeted by the rest of the family.

"It's good to have you back," said Lois.

"Welcome back," said Chris.

"It's good to have you back," said Stewie who was holding a sign that said "Sorry for Your Loss, Meg." When he realised what the sign said he quickly flipped it over to say "It's good to have you back."

"Thanks. All of you," said Zack, "It's good to be back. And here's hoping that no more sudden surprises like that happens again."

"Speaking of surprises, Zack. There's Meg wants to tell you," said Lois.

"Are you ready?" Meg asked.

"What is it?" said Zack.

"I'm pregnant!" said Meg, "We're going to have a baby!"

Zack and Peter then stood there dumbfounded. Their eyes then rolled over and they both fell over backwards making a thud sound.

"Zack?" she asked.

**End Chapter.**


	13. The Big News

**Chapter 13: The Big News**

Dislcaimer: I do not own Family Guy. Zack and Meg's baby are my creations.

Author's notes: I have decided to scrap Meg's baby as a seperate story and put this in here as a

continuation. Some chapters have been edited a bit while chapter 2 won't be

appearing at all(because I hated it.).

Continuing from the previous chapter...

"Speaking of surprises, Zack. There's something Meg wants to tell you," said Lois.

"Are you ready?" Meg asked.

"What is it?" said Zack.

"I'm pregnant!" said Meg, "We're going to have a baby!"

Zack and Peter then stood there dumbfounded. Their eyes then rolled over and they both fell over backwards making a thud sound.

"Zack?" she asked.

Moments later, Zack wakes up and to see Meg looking at him.

"Meg? I had the most horrible dream," said Zack, "I dreamt that you told me you were having a baby."

"Zack! That wasn't a dream!" said Meg, "I'm REALLY pregnant! I took a pregnancy test this morning and it said that I'm pregnant."

"AAAAHHHH!!!" screamed Zack as he went unconscous again. Moments later, Zack wakes up and to see Meg looking at him.

"Meg? I had the most horrible dream," said Zack, "I dreamt that you-"

"ZACK STOP DOING THAT!!! I'M PREGNANT FOR REAL!!!" shouted Meg as she shook Zack.

Zack was about to go unsonscious again, but Meg slapped him.

"Sorry," said Zack.

"Did you hear that, Peter?" asked Lois, "We're going to be grandparents!"

"Grandparent?!?" said Peter as he was coming to, "But that makes me old!"

"Peter, you're 43!" said Lois, "You're already old."

"I don't know what to say," said Zack as he stood up, "I mean, I'm going to be a dad!"

"I know," said Meg, "At first I was scared at the thought of us being parents, but I think we can do it."

"You really want to have this baby?" asked Zack.

"Zack, It's not just a baby," said Meg, "This is the start of a family. OUR family."

"A family, huh? Alright, let's do it!" said Zack.

"Meg, I know that I said I became pro-choice when you were born, but I'm proud that you're willing to take responsibilty in having a child," said Lois.

"Thanks," said Meg "But you know, I'm kinda scared though."

"Well, of course you should be scared," said Peter, "I mean, when you get to the 6th month of pregnancy you start to look like a balloon."

"Then you're ankles start to swell up," said Lois.

"And then you start getting stretch marks in your stomache and then there's the morning sickness," said Peter.

"And then there's the actual childbirth," said Lois, "Oh my god, it'll be THE single most painful experience in your entire life."

"I DON'T WANNA HAVE A BABY ANYMORE!" shouted Meg as she hugged Zack tightly, "I WANT AN ABORTION!!!"

"GUNSHOT WOUND!!! GUNSHOT WOUND!!!" shouted Zack as Meg let go of him, "Now, calm down! Like you said, we can go through this."

"But I'm scared!" cried Meg.

"Look, I'll be here with you when the time comes. I promise," said Zack.

"Thank you," said Meg.

"I almost forgot to tell you about-," said Peter before Zack gave him an angry look, "I'll be quiet."

"Oh, great another baby in the house," said Stewie, "This is gonna be suck so hard."

"Yeah, this'll be worse than the time I was Dr. Robotnik," said Peter.

**Flashback.**

Peter is at Green Hill Zone in Eggman/Robotnik's hovercraft. Keep in mind that Peter is dressed up as current day Eggman and not as old School Eggman or those gay AoSTH/SatAM Robotnik costumes.

"Now, Sonic the Hedgehog," Said Peter, "You will face the wrath of my new and improved Checker Wrecker Ball, now metal plated and completely covered with spikes!"

"You, um, You don't see anything wrong with this plan, do you?" asked Sonic.

"No. This plan is freakin' awesome," said Peter. As he lowered the ball, it plopped to the ground and pulled the Eggmobile down with it. Peter then rolled right out, all bloodied and stuff, "Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhhh! Oh christ! DAMN GRAVITY!!!"

Sonic then proceeds to kick Peter in the balls and runs away at high speed laughing.

"OWWWWW! YOU C#NT!!! NO WONDER EGGMAN HATES YOU!!!" shouted Peter as he clutched his groin.

**End Flashback.**

"This'll be easy," said Zack, "I can be a dad. I can do it!"

(five minutes later in the backyard...)

"I CAN'T DO IT MAN!!!" sobbed Zack as he downed another beer, "I CAN'T!!!"

"Zack, calm down" said Brian, "You're just overwhelmed with so many emotions at once over the news that you're breaking down."

"Damn cheapass condoms!!!" said Zack as he threw his beer across the yard.

"Are you telling me that you don't want to be a father?" asked Brian.

"I do, but I'm not ready!" said Zack, "I don't even have a job anymore! How the hell am I gonna support this baby?"

"Have you ever thought about starting your own business?" asked Brian, "I mean, you do know a lot out fixing cars. Maybe you should open an autoshop."

"Hey, you're right!" said Zack, "I should start my own business! I CAN do this! I CAN be a father! I CAN take care of my family! Thanks for the build of confidence, Brian."

"You're welcome," said Brian as Zack walked back into the house. He then notices that Zack left a few beer bottles, "Zack wait! You forgot your bee- ah forget it!" said Brian as he started to down the rest of Zack's beer.

"Zack, are you okay?" asked Meg.

"I'm fine," said Zack as he walked over to the phone and dialed a number, "I just need to call someone."

"Who?" asked Lois.

"My dad," said Zack as he waited for him to pick up. Sure enough, his father answered, "Hello, Dad? It's me Zack... Why didn't I come into work today? I quit! I told you yesterday! No I quit! You can't fire me because I quit! Anyway just shut up for a moment! I need to tell you something. Remember that girl that came over that one day? The one that needed to use the phone?... Yes the 'moneyless ugly fat porker bitch!' Anyway, 2 weeks after that, we got together and then... SHUT UP!!! Anyway, and then 5 months after that we had sex and... DAD! SHUT UP!!! The point is, she's pregnant and I'm the dad... Uh huh... WHAT?!?! IT'S MY DESCISION!!!... NO F#CK _YOU_!!!" And Zack harshley slammed the phone on the hook.

"What happened?" asked Peter.

"My father just disowned me," said Zack.

"I'm so sorry," said Meg as she put a hand on his back.

"No, this is great!" said Zack upbeat, "Now I don't have to talk to that jackass ever again!"

**End Chapter.**


	14. Midlife Crisis

**Chapter 14: Midlife Crisis**

Lois and Peter are in the living room talking about Meg's pregnancy.

"...So when Meg has this baby, we'll be grandparents," said Lois, "Can you believe it? Us as grandparents? That makes us sound so old."

"Yeah, I know," said Peter, "Especially you."

"What do you mean?" asked Lois.

"Well I'm just saying that you're not as hot as you used to be," said Peter, "I mean look at you. You're getting a little chunky around the thighs. You're starting to looking even fatter than Chris, me, and even Meg. Except WAAAY fatter. And you're starting to show white hairs on your head."

"What are you talki-" said Lois as she picked a white hair from her head, "OH MY GOD!!! I _AM_ OLD!!!" Then Lois ran from the room screaming her head off. Then Brian comes in.

"What's wrong with Lois?" asked Brian.

"She's freaking out because she found a white hair on her head," said Peter.

"What? Those are NOT my hairs!" said Brian all freaking out, "I do not go sniffing Lois' hair when she's asleep at night. You cannot prove those are mine! I do NOT do that sort of thing! Only weirdo's do that!"

"Actually Lois thought she was getting old," said Peter, "Wait, what did you say?"

"Uh, nothing!" said Brian rather quickly.

"Brian, do you think I'm old?" asked Peter.

"Do you want the honest to god truth," asked Brian, "Or do you want me to sugar coat it so that you don't go crying like a Frenchman in a war?"

"Suger coat it."

"You're still young. You look 24."

"Thanks for the false build of confidence Brian. You're a true pal," said Peter, "But It doesn't change the fact that I'm getting old. Wait I know what will make me young, again! I'm gonna buy a motorcycle!"

"A motercycle?" asked Brian, "Isn't that a bit cliche?"

"Not as cliche as an evil twin storyline," said Peter, "I mean, have you noticed that they're all the same? The evil twin shows up, frames the main character, he goes to jail, breaks out, fights the evil twin, the main character's friends can't tell the difference while they're fighting so one character asks a question only the real character would know, the evil twin gets it wrong, they capture him, the twin goes to jail and the police apologize. What really grinds my gears about it is that in subsequent episodes, they suddenly know how to tell the difference between the main character and the evil twin. Why the hell didn't they just do that in the first freakin' place? Huh? It doesn't make any sense I tell ya!"

The very next day, Meg and Zack walk into the kitchen to see that Lois was in front of the stove making breakfast.

"Good morning, mom," said Meg. Lois then turned away from the stove. To their horror, Lois's eyes were bloodshot, had bags under them with red circles around them, and her hair looked very disheveled. In short, she looked awful. "Mom! What happened to you?!?"

"What?!?! Is there something about the way I look?!? Do I look old?!?!?" shouted Lois angrily.

"No! No! In fact you look great," lied Meg, "Doesn't she look great, Zack?"

Zack stares at Lois for a few seconds with his left eye twitching. He then proceeds to scream like a girl and jumps out the window running for the hills.

"Um, he loved how you look so much that he just had to go and tell everybody," lied Meg before getting an angry death glare from Lois. Meg then got up to leave, "Um, I'm gonna go now."

Just then, Lois hears a loud motor from out side and goes outside to Peter dressed up as a biker punk complete with sunglasses, leather jacket, and slick combed back hair.

"Peter?" she asks.

"Yeah, that's my name," Peter said cooly as he flicked his toothpick from his mouth, "Don't wear it out, babe."

"You bought yourself a motorcycle?" asked Lois, "How did you pay for it?"

"Remember that money you wanted to save for plastic surgery yesterday?" said Peter.

"Yes?"

"That was it."

"That's not fair! You get a motorcycle to feel young again and what do I get? Ugly!!!" said Lois.

"Yeah, there's no doubt about _that_," said Peter, "I mean have you seen yourself in the mirror lately. Geez, it looks like you haven't slept at all yesterday. I think you might've gained a few pounds from that cake from last night."

"_YOU_ CALLED ME OLD AND FAT!!!" shouted Lois, "I WAS CRYING ALL NIGHT AND THROWING UP TO LOOK SKINNIER BECAUSE OF _**YOU**_!!!"

"Now, now. We can sit around here and play the blame game," said Peter, "Or we can gawk all over my cool new bike."

"Peter, you're in denial! This bike isn't gonna make you look young and cool! In fact it makes you look old and pathetic!"

"Wow dad! Cool Bike!" said Chris as he walked outside, "It makes you look so young and cool!"

"Thanks Chris," said Peter. Chris then turned to look at Lois.

"Wow, mom," said Chris, "You look so old and pathetic today! And fat!"

Lois then ran into the house and into her room crying like a 2 year old.

"Wonder what's wrong with mom?" asked Chris.

"Ah, it's probably nothing," said Peter, "Hey, you wanna see me pop a wheelie on this bad boy?"

"Go for it!" said Chris. Peter then proceeded to do a wheelie. As he lifted the front wheel into the air, Peter fell off backwards and the bike zoomed off into the horizon. Meanwhile in a faroff grassy field, Zack was catching his breath.

"That was close!" he huffed, "Whoever thought **Lois** of all people could look _that_ bad!"

Then from out of nowhere, Peter's motorcycle zomed into view and collided with Zack which sandwhiched him into a nearby tree. Needless to say, the man was in horrible pain all bloodied and bruised.

"OH GOD!!! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!?!?" shouted Zack, "Oh right... I shaved Connie bald yesterday. It had nothing to to do with Meg. I was just bored."

Later at the Griffin house, Everyone is sitting on the couch watching TV. The only differences where that Zack had a cast on his right arm and his head was wrapped in bandages, and Lois looked even worse than before as she was now starving herself. Peter then comes into the room.

"Okay, so the motorcycle thing was a bust," he said.

"What? But you just had it for less than a day," said Brian, "Why are giving up on it so fast?"

"A bunch of punks stole it," said Peter, "But I've got something even better! Come outside!"

Everyone then comes outside to see that the car has been painted with flames, has chrome rims, and dice on the dashboard.

"Pretty sweet, huh?" asked Peter.

"PETER!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY CAR?!?!?" shouted Lois.

"Oh yeah, like I was gonna do this to_ my _car... fat granny," said Peter.

"Will you stop calling her that?' said Zack, "She's almost skin and bones, now."

"Yeah, whatever," said Peter, "The point is, with this suped up hotrod I'll never be called old again."

"Dad, Me having this baby doesn't make you old," said Meg.

"It doesn't?" asked Peter.

"Actually, it does, but not as old as you think!" said Meg, "I'm a pregnant teenager! I'm going to be a very young mother, and your going to be a younger grandfather than most people."

"You're right, Meg," said Peter, "I shouldn't be buying motorcycles or painting flames on cars. I'm not getting old! Although, your mother is. There's no denying it."

"Mom, stop trying to starve yourself. You're not fat," said Meg, "And you still look attractive... Well, except for today."

"Oh my gosh! You're right," said Lois, "I'm not fat or ugly! Your father's just a moron!"

"Exactly, so get yourself something to eat and get you some sleep," said Zack, "And **LOTS** of it!"

As everyone walked into the house, Zack stood outside and took a closer look at the car Peter painted.

"Wait a minute... That's MY car!!!" shouted Zack angrily, "Kickass graphix though. And the flaming skull... Niiiice."

**End Chapter.**


	15. Zackass

**Chapter 15: Zackass**

Zack was taking a nap in the livingroom one afternoon, until suddenly there was a crashing sound and laughing coming from outside. Wondering what the hell was going on, he looks outside to see Peter and Chris on the ground next to knocked over, rocket powered shopping laughing. Stewie was holding the camera.

"What were guys doing?" asked Zack.

"We were ramming each other with rocket powered Shopping carts," said Chris.

"Why?" asked Zack.

"You know, like on Jackass," said Peter, "We're trying to make our own stunt show and we're gonna sell it to the Fox network."

"Yeah, those guys will buy anything," said Stewie, "Do you know about Nanny 911?"

"Yeah, that is such a blatant ripoff of Super Nanny that a 1 year old could've thought of it," said Zack.

"Thank you," said Stewie as he took a bow.

"Anyway, the point it that we offer this to Fox, they'll see that it is so similar to Jackass that they have to buy it from us!" said Peter.

"Do you wanna help us do stunts?" asked Chris.

"I dunno," said Zack, "I haven't imitated a stunt from a TV show since I watched He-Man and it didn't go very well."

**Flashback.**

Zack at the age of 10 is standing on a hill in a thunderstorm with an antique sword. He then raises the sword.

"I HAVE THE POWER!!!" he shouted. Then as lightning struck from the sky, the electricity surged through him as he transformed into... an electrocuted kid who was now laying in a hospital bed.

**End Flashback.**

"Don't worry about it," said Peter, "Besides, until you open your autoshop, you can use the money to support Meg and the baby."

"Hmm. Alright, let's do it," said Zack, "But what will we call the show?"

"We'll call it, Peterass," said Peter.

"Naw, let's call it Zackass," said Zack, "It sounds better."

"No, it's Peterass."

"But the chapter's already call Za-"

"PETERASS!!!"

"Alright alright, it's Peterass," said Zack, "Just let the author make the changes first."

**Chapter 15: Peterass**

"Are you happy, fatman," said Stewie, "Because you got your way. Now let's move onto the next stunt."

Later at the golf course, Peter and Zack are on top of different golf carts holding golf clubs tied together to look similar to the jousting sticks used in American Gladiators. Quagmire is driving Peter's cart while Chris is driving Zack's.

"Alright, now what Zack and the Fatman are about to do is what I call, golf cart joust," said Stewie as he talked into the camera, "The two will stand on TOP of the golf carts driven by Quagmire and Chris. The one who knocks off the other will be declaered the winner. And to make things more interesting, I added turbo jets to the carts. Now remember not to attempt this at home except with someone you really really hate."

Peter and Zack get their fighting gear ready as Stewie makes the countdown with his fingers. When he reaches 0, the carts take off at blazing speeds. The two try to mantain their balance while they begin the combat. The both parry and block, but Peter is able to make the first strike. Zack takes multiple quick anime-style jabs which hits Peter. Quagmire starts ramming the side of Chris's cart which makes him in turn retaliate with a ram of his own almost knocking the two combatants off balance.

Suddenly out of nowhere, golf balls from the golfers start flying everywhere. Peter and Zack use their joust clubs to deflect the balls, but Peter uses the opportunity to sweep Zack with a hook shot, leaving him hanging onto the side his cart. Before Peter can deliver the final blow, Zack throws his club at Quagmire, making the large chinned man lose control and crash into the water.

"No fair!" shouted Peter, "He hit my driver!"

Zack then stood triuphantly on top of the fast moving cart. He and Chris bothe raised their arms in victory.

"Behold!" he shouted, "You're new Golf Cart Joust Champeen, Zack Mur-"

He was cutoff when the cart hit a tree, and exploded in a ball of flames and screaming agony. Quagmire and Peter look on with their jaw dropped.

"You know, I should put the camera down and help them," said Stewie as he just sat there and continued filming.

One week of intense pain later, Peter and Zack come into the house with Chris laughing about the week.

"And then when you and Dad ran into the store in your boxers screaming like maniacs, man that was funny!" said Chris.

"Yeah, and me putting my butt on the frozen meat was the icing on the cake," said Peter, "I haven't done anything that bad in a supermarket since the last time I went shopping with Lois."

**Flashback.**

While shopping with Lois at the supermarket, some kid comes out of nowhere and bites Peter in the leg. The wound is bleeding.

"Ow! Oh my god!" shouted Peter as he held his leg, "That son of a bitch bit me!!!"

The kid then gave a a bloody grin to Peter, laughed and ran back to his mom.

"Oh my god, Peter where did he get you?!?!" asked Lois.

"The leg!" shouted Peter, "And it's bleeding!"

"Oh my goodness!!!" Lois shouted, "Somebody get that kid!!!"

"Will you two please be quiet?" asked the boy's mother, "He just bit him. Boys will be boys."

"Except there's something you should know," said Peter, "**I'M HIV POSITIVE**!!!"

Everyone at the store went dead silent. Especially the boy and his mother.

"We'll leave you to think about what I just said," said Peter as he and Lois left the store. Then a loud scream can be heard from the woman. Peter and Lois snickered.

**End Flashback.**

"Anyway, let's see if Stewie's done editing so we can send the tape to Fox," said Zack as they walked into the living room.

"Hey, Stewie how's the tape coming along?" asked Peter.

"Oh, yeah the tape," said Stewie, "Funny thing about that. You see my favorite movie was on and I was looking for a tape to record it, and I accidentally taped over the Zackass-"

"PETERASS!!!"

"_**Peterass **_video," said Stewie as he rolled his eyes.

"What?" asked Zack, "We went through all that pain and humiliation for that video. I'VE GOT SCARS ON MY ASS THAT'LL NEVER COME OFF BECAUSE OF THAT DAMN VIDEO! I WAS ALMOST KILLED BECAUSE OF THAT DAMN VIDEO AND YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU TAPED OVER IT!?!?!?!"

"Yeah, isn't that a damn shame when that happens?" said Stewie, "But look on the bright side. I got Toy Story. Can you believe it? Toy Story is on this tape!"

"Toy Story? You recorded over the tape for Toy Story?!?!?" asked Zack, "Can we watch it?"

"I thought you'd never ask," said Stewie as he popped in the tape.

**End Chapter 15. **


	16. Mood Swings, Names, and a Rant

**Chapter 16: Mood Swings, Names, and a Rant**.

(6 months later)

Zack had come home from the Autoshop looking stressed and tired. Meg had come into the room. Now 6 months pregnant, her stomache had gotten bigger and she wore maternity clothing.

"How was work today?" she asked.

"Terrible," said Zack, "I got shot after a customer complaint."

**Flashback**

At the Autoshop, Zack is having a conversation with a black man who wore the stereotypical ganster attire(ie Doo rag, Backwards baseball cap, saggy pants, etc.)

"We were able to fix the tires, the paintjob, the muffler, and your hubcaps," said Zack, "But I needed to remove your spinning chrome rims."

"Say what?" said the black man.

"You see, the spinning rims were scratching up your hubcaps. They had to go."

"Oh, you don't be tounchin' my rims, foo! That ain't right!"

"Sir, if you want, I can replace those rims free of charge."

"That ain't gonna cut it, so I've got somethin' for ya," said the black man who reached into his shirt and pulled out... a ballpoint pen, "I'm gonna file a complaint."

The man calmly wrote on a piece of paper and placed it into the complaints' box.

"I'm sorry, man, but I'm just unsatisfied, you know?" he said.

"I'm sorry to disappoint you," said Zack, "Take care."

"Yeah you too," said the man as he drove off.

**End Flashback**

"Then seconds later, some white guy ran up, shot me, and then stole some tires," said Zack, "Luckily I was wearing my bullet proof vest."

"Anyway, it's about time you got home," said Meg, "I need you to go to the store to get me some ice cream."

"But I just got home, and I was shot at!" said Zack, "I 'm exhausted. Make someone else do it."

"You don't have to yell at me!" said Meg as she was about to cry, "All I wanted you to do was buy me ice cream, but you have to be an ass about it. I'm pregnant and this is how you treat me? I thought you loved me!!!"

"Meg, stop crying," said Zack.

"Who's crying," asked Meg irritated, "Just because I'm a girl and you shout at me, I'm supposed to cry!?!?"

"But you were crying just a min-"

"SHUT UP!!! And why the hell are you still here?!?! Get me my ice cream already!!!"

"Okay, okay! Just don't yell at me anymore!!!"

"I'm sorry, honey," she said in a now calm manner, "I didn't mean to get mad like that. I'm just so emotionally and all. I love you."

"I love you too-"

"What the hell are you standing there for?!?!" she asked angrily, "I TOLD YOU TO GET MY F#CKING ICE CREAM!!! DON'T MAKE ME F#CK YOU UP!!!"

"Jesus, Meg! I hate it when you get on these mood swings!" said Zack, "You seem to get scary all of a sudden."

**Flashback.**

At the dinner table, everyone's having dinner when suddenly Peter spills salt on the table.

"DAMMIT DAD!!!" shouted Meg as she smashed her dinner plate on him making him fall unconscious.

**End Flashback.**

"Anyway, did you decide on what we're gonna name the baby?" asked Zack

"Well, if it's going- Wait? Didn't I ask you to get something for me?" asked Meg.

"No!" said Zack rather quickly.

"Oh, okay then. If it's going to be a boy, we'll call him Mickey," she said, "If it's a girl, we'll call her Nancy."

"Mickey? I'm not naming my son Mickey!!!"

"What's wrong with Mickey? I like Mickey!"

"Only if he's a mouse! I mean, who the hell names their kid Mickey nowadays? The bullies'll probably just make him wear stupid red pants with bright yellow buttons and mouse and then make him dance and laugh like a retard. Also, I'm not so keen on Nancy either! Not sure why?"

"Fine! I'll just get a phonebook and we'll just pick the names by random," said Meg as she left the room. At the same moment, Peter came in.

"Hey, what are you guys doing?" asked Peter.

"We're coming up with names for the new baby," said Zack, "One for a boy and one for a girl."

"What's up with that whole boy/girl thing?" asked Peter, "I mean you should just pick the boy's name first and if it does turn out to be a girl, you just get mad and pick the stupidest name you can think of and hate her for the rest of your life. That's what I did."

"Actually, it doesn't matter what the baby turns out to be," said Zack, "If it's a girl, I'm gonna love her just the same."

"Love her just the same?" asked Peter, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! LOIS! Lois c'mere! You've gotta hear this!"

"What is it, Peter?" asked Lois as she walked into the room.

"Zack, tell Lois what you just told me," said Peter.

"I said that it doesn't matter if the baby's a boy or girl," he said, "If it is a girl, I'll love her just the same."

Lois and Peter then broke into laughter after that.

"Is he serious?!?!?" laughed Lois, "You're a man! No real man wants a girl for his first child! HAHAHAHA!!!"

Zack then rolled his eyes and left the room looking for Meg. Meanwhile Stewie's room, Stewie is getting frustrated over the lack of attention he's gotten for the last 6 months and is talking to Brian.

"Dammit! Dammit all to hell!" said Stewie, "Why the hell won't anyone pay attention to me?!?! It's always Meg's baby this and Meg's baby that! They're supposed to be listening to me rambling on about my evil plans for world domination and my quasi-homosexual lifestyle! Where's my attention?!?!"

"Stewie, you get enough attention already!" said Brian.

"Explain," said Stewie.

"You're the most popular character on Family Guy, you have your face plastered everywhere on Hot Topic and on Family Guy merchandise you're not even on saying 'Victory Shall Be Mine!', you always come up number one in fan polls, you have a DVD dedicated to you, your profile comes up first in the Family Guy video game instruction manual, you have so many episodes about you, you always get a lot of screen time because the audience is easily amused by an evil baby who cusses and Meg always gets screwed over because the writers focus most character development on _you_! You're just mad because the author is giving Meg time to shine and not you and it's bugging you because you always get what you want, but not now. End rant!" said Brian as he left the living room.

(AN: I actually think Stewie's funny. Sorry if this insulted Stewie fans.)

Stewie blinked for a moment before saying: "What the hell is a 'Family Guy?' That was just wierd. Even weirder then the time I tried to pay a prostitute."

**Flashback**

Stewie is in a street corner with a prostitute.

"Say, how much for a handjob and a spanking. Oh and can I call you Brian while you're doing it?"

**End Flashback.**

At that very moment, Lois and Peter walks into the room.

"Stewie, you're becoming a big boy now," said Lois, "So that is why we're going to give you a new bed to sleep on. You're going to have to stop sleeping on the crib."

"What the deuce?" Stewie asked, "You can't take away my crib. My domain! My... how do hip hop people put it? Oh yes! My crib... yo!"

"Sorry Stewie, but the baby will be sleeping in the crib when _HE'S_ born," said Peter.

"I HEARD THAT!!!" shouted Zack from the other room.

"Also, you and the baby will be sharing this room," said Lois, "So please try to be nice."

She and Peter then left the room.

"Has she gone mad? First that baby steals all the attention away from me, then it steals my crib and now I have to share a room with it?!?!" said Stewie angrily, "Oh you have just made a powerful enemy, my friend. From the day after you are born, I shall make your life a living hell!!! Hmm hmm hmm! Ha ha ha ha ha! HAHAHAHAH!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! MWAHAHAHAH... Hack!!! cough!! cough!!! Oh god! I think I just choked on my own saliva!!!"

**End Chapter 4.**


	17. Newest Arrival

Chapter 17: Newest Arrival

3 months later in December 16th, Meg was due to have the baby at any time now. For now, Peter was watching TV. He was watching an episode of the Flintstones:

"That was a good night out," said Wilma as they walked into the house. They then hear a rythimic bed squeek and groaning.

"What the hell is that?" asked Fred.

"I think it's coming from Pebbles' room," said Wilma as sheand Fred entered her room and turnined on the lights, "OH MY GOD!!!"

To her surprise, she saw her teenage daughter in bed with...Fred's best friend, Barney.

"BARNEY!!! MY PEBBLES!!!" shouted Fred.

"Oh sh#t," said Barney, "I'm going back to jail aren't I?"

Back in reality, Meg walks into the room looking worried.

"Dad! I was in the kitchen and my water just broke!" she said.

"What the hell are you talking about?" asked Peter as he looked into the kitchen, "Oh what the hell happened?!?!"

"I told you! My water broke!" she said.

"You've been pottytrained for so long and now you screw it all up!" shouted Peter, "Get out and think about what you just did!"

"But..." protested Meg before she was screaming and being chased outside by an angry Peter.

"Now think about what you just did!" said Peter. He then went back to sit on the couch ignoring Meg's screams in pain.

"Peter," said Lois as she walked into the room, "Why is Meg outside screaming and banging on the door?"

"Oh she said her water broke on the kitchen so I threw her outside to think about what she just did," said Peter.

"HER WATER BROKE?!?!" shouted Lois, "That means she's going into labor!"

"She's a working man, now?" asked Peter.

"Just shut up and get the car ready! We have to get Meg to a hospital!" shouted Lois.

"Oh, right!" said Peter as he then opened the door.

"YOU FAT BASTARD!!!" shouted Meg, "HOW CAN YOU LOCK ME OUT LIKE THAT WHILE I'M IN LABOR?!?!"

"Sorry," said Peter, "I thought you had an accident on the floor."

"JUST GET ME TO A HOSPITAL!!!" shouted Meg.

"Peter, I'll take Meg to the hospital," said Lois, "You go get Zack from the Autoshop and bring him to the hospital."

"Right! To the Petermobile!" shouts Peter as he jumps into a car with his his face crafted in front of it. When he jumps in, he is suddenly wearing a Batman costume. Meanwhile in the Autoshop, Zack is beggining to close shop, when suddenly the Petermobile crashes through a wall startling him.

"What the he- Peter!!!" he shouts.

"Zack, we have to get to the hospital!" said Peter, "Meg's having the baby!"

"What? Let's go then!" said Zack.

"Yeah, but you need to put this on," said Peter as he handed him some clothing.

"You have got to be kidding me," he said in disbelief as the scene then changed with Peter's face zooming in and out of the screen in the Adam West Batman-style. Peter is driving with Zack next to him dressed as... The Joker.

"Why do I have to be the clown?" asked Zack, "Why can't I be Robin."

"2 reasons," stated Peter, "One, The Robin costume is for Chris and Two, it's the Robin costume where the bare legs are showing. The costume was given to me by Herbert."

"Ah," said Zack in understanding. Before they can go any further, there's a traffic jam.

"Ah, son of a bitch!" said Peter, "It's a traffic jam!"

"Wonder what's the holdup?" asked Zack.

Meanwhile in the very front, a family of ducks are crossing the street and the performance artist is in his car waiting for them to cross.

"You know you are holdin' up the traffic down behind me," he said, "But it ain't your fault. You just take your time. There's no need to rush or anything. Don't want nobody getting hurt in an accident, now."

"I'm gonna miss Meg giving birth to my son or daughter!" said Zack, "Man this sucks worse then the time I drove a guy into committing suicide."

**Flashback.**

Zack and Brian are in a crowd of watchers while a man on a lege attempts to commit suicide.

"Sir, get off the ledge!" shouted the negotiator with a microphone.

"No!" shouted the jumper, "I can't take it anymore! I'm going to end it all!"

"I'll bet you 20 bucks he chickens out," said Zack to Brian.

"What?!?" asked Brian, "This isn't a game! That's a real man on a real ledge who really wants to jump."

"Nah! He's bluffing. They always bluff."

"Sir, just calm down. Everything's going to be alright," said the negotiator.

"No! I lost my job, I lost my girlfriend, I lost my home, and I have no friends!" said the jumper, "I don't want to live any longer!"

"Sir, we can help you if you just get down."

"Jump!!!" shouted Zack.

"SHUT UP THE HELL UP!!!" shouted the Negotiator.

"Why? He wants to die! Let him jump if he wants to," said Zack.

"Who said that?" asked the jumper.

"No one important. Just get back in the window," said the negotiator.

"Jump!!!" shouted Zack.

"Stop it!" said the negotiator.

"You kept us waiting for too long!!!" shouted Zack

"Shut up!" shouted the jumper.

"WUSS!!!" Zack shouted

"Zack just shut up!" said Brian.

"No watch. I'm gonna get him to come down. If I insult him some more he'll come down here and beat me up," said Zack, "You never finish what you start! No wonder you lost your job!"

"Who are you?" shouted the jumper.

"Someone with a job, unlike you!" said Zack, "At least I finish what I started. If I was up there I would've jumped the first second I-"

Then an ominous splat sound could be heard. Zack looks on all wide eyed.

"You owe me 20 buck," said Brian.

**End Flashback.**

While Zack and Peter are still waiting, Adam West is walking by and spots them in the Petermobile.

"What the? Batman and... the Joker?!?" asked Adam West, "Hold it right there!!!"

Adam West then ran to the car and grabbed Zack by his collar.

"Alright, Joker, I want answers!" said Adam West, "Why have you made a fat clone of me? Unless... That is the real Batman and I'm a skinny clone of him!"

"No, I'm just Peter Griffin in a Batman costume," said Peter as he pulled off his mask.

"Peter Griffin?" asked Adam West, "Well good job! You've captured the Joker! Now we must take him to Arkham where he will be incarcerated and subjected to male prison butt rape!"

"WHAT?!?! No! I'm not Joker! I'm Zack Murdock!" said Zack as he took off his Joker costume.

"Zack Murdock? My car repair man?" Mr. West asked, "Wait a minute. How do I know you're not the Joker disquised as Zack?"

"Because I just removed the Joker mask?"

"Wait? How do I know you're not Joker disguised as Zack, disguised as Joker, disguised as Zack? Huh? Now answer that, smart guy."

Peter and Zack looked at each other in confusion.

"Mr. West, we don't have time for this," said Peter, "We need to get him to the hospital. His girlfriend Meg is having a baby!"

"Great Batman!" said West, "So the Joker is becoming a family man, huh? With a family, it should stop him from committing crime and meyhem."

"Um... sure, let's go with that," said Zack.

"Quickly, there's no time to waste," said West, "To the Batmobile!"

A few moments later in the Batmobile Adam West, Peter, and Zack(who was still wearing his Joker costume, btw) where speeding along in Quahog thanks to the jet propelled engines.

"Wow, this is freakin' sweet," said Peter, "I can't believe you own the Batmobile."

"I sure do, Peter," said West, "I used to drive this baby around in my old TV show."

"Except that this is the Batmobile that was used in Micheal Keaton's Batman Movie," said Zack.

"Yes, Micheal Keaton," said Adam West bitterly, "He thought he was Batman, but we all know that there can only be one true Batman. Me! That's why paid him a little visit. Yup, he won't be Batman, ever again!"

"But what about the guy from Batman Begins?" asked Peter, "And from the Later Batman Movies?"

"Oh they're, next. You'll see!" said West as he squinted his eyes, "Well, we're here!" he said in a normal tone, "And please try to be a good father, Joker."

"Um... Okaaay," said Zack as Adam West sped off in the Batmobile. Zack and Peter then ran to the delivery room where Meg was still trying to give birth.

"Peter, Zackery," said Lois, "It's about time you got... Why the hell are you dressed up like a clown?"

"Wait, I'm still wearing this?" asked Zack as he took off his Joker cotume, "Anyway, I'm here, Meg. Just like I promised I would."

"Zack, I- AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!" screamed Meg in pain.

"Okay, Meg, you're going to have to push," said Dr. Hartman.

Zack then held onto Meg's hand as she then began to push.

"Is there a head yet?" asked Peter, "Let me take a loo- OH GOD!!! EWWWW!!! I SO DIDN'T WANT TO SEE MEG'S YOU KNOW WHAT!!!"

"Peter, shut up!" said Lois, "This isn't the time for your shenanigans."

"Sure it is," said Peter, "Just like the time I-"

"THIS IS NO TIME FOR A RANDOM FLASHBACK!!!" shouted Meg, "I'M GIVING BIRTH!!!"

"Geez, turn this into you, why don't you?" asked Peter, "You whine, whine, whine until you have your way and since you're giving birth, all attention must turn to you. Lookit me. I'm Meg the attention whore. I'm going into labor so everyone must pay attention to m-"

Then Zack took a steel chair and whipped it across Peter's back.

"Dammit, Peter. Shut the hell UP!!!" said Zack, "I'm sick of your bitching and stupidity!"

"Thank you," said Lois.

"I think I see a head!" said Dr. Hartman, "Now push, Meg."

3 hours later, the baby had finally arrived and Meg was holding her blonde haired bundle of joy in her arms.

"It's a boy," said Peter, "And that is one hell of a wang. Yep, My grandson will be getting laid a lot."

"Um, Dad, it's a girl," said Meg.

"You gave birth to a hermapradite?" asked Peter, "That's just sick."

"That's the imbilicle cord, stupid," said Zack.

"She looks so cute," said Lois.

"Can you believe it?" asked Meg, "Our love created this. The most precious thing on Earth."

"She is something, isn't she?" asked Zack as he kissed Meg on her forehead.

"Have you decided what you're gonna name her?" asked Lois.

"I want to call her, Madeline," said Meg, "If that's alright with you, Zack."

"Of course," said Zack, "It's a very good name. Madeline Griffin."

"Don't you mean, Madeline Murdock?" asked Meg.

"Oh, right," said Zack, "We got married yesterday in Vegas. I keep forgetting."

"Anyway, Maddie," said Lois, "I want you to meet someone when we get home..."

Zack and Meg then looked at each other uncertainly. They knew how Stewie was mad at Maddie before she was born. They were afraid of how he would act now.

**End Chapter. **


	18. Pay Attention to Me Dammit!

**Chapter 18: Pay Attention to Me, Dammit!!!**

Upstairs inside Stewie's room, he was finished building a giant death ray that was part of his plans for world domination.

"Yes, Rupert, with this device, I can annihilate a dozen cities," said Stewie, "Soon I will absolute ruler of the world! Victory shall be mine!!! Oh god, it feels good to be evil again!"

Just then, he hears the front door from downstairs open.

"We're home," said Meg.

"The baby's here!" said Chris.

"What the deuce?" asked Stewie as he hurriedly ran downstairs. Much to his horror, he saw in Meg's arms a baby girl wrapped in a pink blanket. She had Meg's face and Zack's blonde hair which was styled in the same layered style that Meg had when she got the makeover.

"Oooh, she's so adorable," said Jillian, "Hello there. I'm your Aunt Jillian."

"Oh, let me hold her!" said Chris as Meg handed him baby Maddie, "She looks like you Meg, only less ugly," and then Chris sniffed, "One of us pooped."

Meg then took back the baby and sniffed her.

"That's weird," said Meg, "Maddie doesn't smell- EWWWWW!!! CHRIS!!!!"

"I'm... gonna go change, now," said Chris embarrassed as he went upstairs to get new pants.

"What the hell is going on?" asked Stewie, "And who the hell is that!?!?"

"Stewie, I want you to meet your niece, Madeline," said Lois.

"Oh, yes, she's very fascinating," lied Stewie, "Anyway, I've just built a device capable of destroying a dozen cities so you might want to take your last moments of freedom and use them wisely."

Everyone ignored Stewie and was too busy paying attention to Maddie.

"I said you should use these last moments of freedom before you become my bitches!" said Stewie, "Cause, you know, I'll be taking over the world soon... With... with my deathray? Yeah, you know, that thing? The thing that will make me overlord? I'll finally rule the world? I'll have enough power to make Bill Gates and Scrooge McDuck kiss each other? I'll be more invincible than Chuck Norris? DAMMIT, PEOPLE!!! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!!"

Instead everyone was still looking at how adorable Madeline was.

"Oh! oh! Let me hold her!" said Peter as Meg handed him Maddie, "Who's a cute baby? Yes you are! Yes you-" Peter was then cut off when Maddie spat up on him, "Son of a bitch! She puked on me! Oh, you are so dead!"

Zack quickly grabbed his daughter from Peter and blocked him with his foot, while the others held onto him.

"Hellooo?" said Stewie, "I'm going to conquer the world! Show some fear, dammit!"

Everyone still ignored Stewie. Stewie was getting frustrated. First the crib, then his room, and now just he's about to finally rule the world, she steals all the attention from him... again!

"Dammit, what's the fun in world domination if nobody's cowering in fear?!?" asked Stewie in frustration.

"She's getting tired," said Meg, "I better put her in her new crib."

Everyone then followed Meg upstairs to Madeline's and what's-his-name's room to put her to sleep.

"Oh, now the author's forgetting who I am," said what's-his-name, "Oh that baby's making me madder then the time I went to Colorado to take care of some business."

**Flashback**

In a bus stop, 4 boys known as Stan, Kenny, Kyle, and Cartman where waiting for the school bus.

"Ey, guys," said Cartman, "Did you see Terrance and Phillip last night?"

"Yeah, it totally kicked ass!" said Stan, "Did you see when Terrence farted on Phillip?"

"Yeah," said Kyle, "How about when Phillip farted on Terrence?"

"Yeah!" said Cartman, "Or how about when Terrence farted on Phillip?"

"Yeah!" said Stan, "And then Phillip farted on Terrence!"

"Yeah, Terrence and Phillip kicks ass," said Cartman, "Unlike Family Guys. That show sucks so much Donkey nuts it-"

Cartman was then blown up by a flying grenade that left Cartman nothing more than guts, bones, blood, and winter clothing.

"What now?!?" shouted Stewie with a grenade launcher, "What now?!?! Be-yotch!"

"Oh my god! He killed Cartman!" said Stan.

"My savior!" shouted Kyle.

**End Flashback**

As Meg put Maddie in the crib, everyone was still looking at her. Even when she's sleeping.

"Oh Lois," shouted Stewie from downstairs, "I've found some shaving cream. I'm... I'm put on my ice cream, then I'll think it's Whipped cream. Then I'll eat it, and then die!"

Nobody was listening to him.

"I'm running around the house with scissors!" shouted Stewie, "Somebody better come downstairs and punish me!"

Nobody listened to him.

"Oh, I've just found the fatman's magazines," said Stewie again, "I'm looking at it! I'm looking at pictures of naked girls! Yes, naked girls doing very naughty things! You know sexual things?"

Nobody listened to him.

"I've got a knife," said Stewie, "I'm going to cut myself! I'm really going to to! I'm going to bleed to death and then die!"

Nobody listened to him.

"Help! Micheal Jackson's got me!!!" shouted Stewie

Nobody listened to him

"Dammit stop ignoring!" shouted Stewie, "Damn! Now I know how Meg feels when everyone ignores her. No wonder she acts nuts!"

Upstair the baby woke up. She started giggling and making spit bubbles.

"Awwwww!" everyone said.

"What the bloody hell?!?!?" shouts Stewie as he enters his room, "I'm making threats from downstairs and nobody moves, but this harlot makes a few spit bubbles and suddenly she's the freakin' center of attention."

"Who said that?" asked Zack.

"Oh I think it was the _ugly_ baby," said Peter.

"UGLY?!?!?" shouted Stewie, "She looks like Meg and you call Meg ugly so that makes _her_ the ugly baby! Also, Lois should be called ugly too since Meg looks a lot like her, but everyone thinks she's the hot one. What the hell's up with that?!?!"

"Yeah, I know," said Zack, "I've been racking my brain for a while trying to figure that one out."

"Ah, jeez," said Peter, "Lois, can you do something about our ugly baby?"

"Stewie's not ugly," said Lois, "He's just not cute. Anyway, it's time for Stewie's nap."

"Not cute?!?!" shouted Stewie as Lois put him to bed, "What the hell's that supposed to mean?!?!"

"Oh, I don't want to leave! She's just too darn cute!" said Lois as she looked at her watch in disappointment, "But I have to get dinner ready. C'mon everybody..."

"Awwwww," said everyone in disappointment as they left the room.

"At last, they're gone!" said Stewie as he jumped out of his bed and to his giant ray gun, "Hey, Madeline, you want to play a little game? It's called ANNIHILATION!!!"

Stewie then rapidly pressed the buttons on the control panel and the machine powered up. As the particle beam fired, it headed straight for Maddie. She held up her toy mirror and the particle beam bounced right off it and headed straight for Stewie and his machine.

"Oh sh-" he said before he and his death ray were blown to smithereens. Stewie was still alive, but was burnt to a crisp in a cartoony fashion. Everything about him turnd to ashes except his eyeballs.

"When I rule the world, you will be my first royal excecution," he said in an injured voice.

Brian then walked back in the room.

"I just couldn't resist seeing Maddie ag- What the hell happened to you, Stewie?" asked Brian.

"A little accident with the death ray," said Stewie, "Wait, why are you smiling like that? Are you thinking about taking a whiz on me?!?!"

"...maybe..." said Brian.

"DON'T YOU DARE!!! DON'T... DON'T... DON- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

**End Chapter.**


	19. Little Maddie Lost

**Chapter 19: Little Maddie Lost**

Zack and Meg's lives were already hard enough with Zack and his job as a mechanic, and Meg having to go to school and getting picked on. Now with Maddie, things where only harder. However, despite her keeping them up at night and the responsibility for taking care of a new baby, she is still able to bring a little joy into their lives. Lois loved her, too, and cared for her like she was her own child, much to Stewie's dismay. Chris and Jillian, despite their stupidity, where trying to be a decent Aunt and Uncle. And Peter was... well, Peter. Irresponsible, stupid, and stupidly irresponsible. Or irresponsibly stupid. Which brings us to their next dilemma...

"YOU LOST MY BABY?!?!?" shouted Meg.

"How could you?!?!" shouted Lois.

"I'll tell you exactly how," said Peter.

**Flashback.**

Peter is taking Maddie and Stewie a ride in a double stroller when he spots the ice cream truck.

"ICE CREAM MAN!" shouts Peter, "Wait right here!"

"Oh yes, leave me with the harlot why don't you?" asked Stewie, "Oh and PLEASE don't bring me back a Banana Fudge Pop! They make me gag! Wait, is this stroller going backwards? Dammit, you fatass pig! You left us on the side of a hill!!! DAMN YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuu..."

Stewie and Maddie then disappeared from sight as they rolled backwards. Peter then came back holding 2 popscicles.

"I'm back! Anyway, Stewie, I brought you back a Banana Fudge Pop. I know how much you LOVE those," said Peter as he then noticed that the babies weren't there, "Oh, crap. I was supposed to put the brakes on, wasn't I?"

**End Flashback.**

"Oh, and by the way, Lois, I lost Stewie," said Peter.

"Oh my god!" said Lois, "My poor baby is lost somewhere in the world!"

"Oh I feel sorry for the world," said Zack.

"YOU LARDASS!!!!" shouts Meg, "HOW COULD YOU LOSE MADDIE?!?!"

"What are you blaming me for?" asked Peter, "You should've known better than to trust me, a fat stupid drunk, with your kid."

"He's got a point there, Meg," said Brian.

"I'm gonna call the police," said Lois, "Maybe they can help us."

"I'm gonna call the neighbors," said Zack, "Maybe we can round up a search party."

"I'm gonna puke," said Peter, "Maybe I shouldn't have eaten that Banana Fudge Popscicle."

Meanwhile in the outskirts of town, a speeding out of control stroller with Stewie and Maddie are heading towards James Woods. After hitting a tree stump, Stewie and Maddie are flung off the stroller with Maddie landing on a pile of leaves and Stewie... flying smackdab into a tree.

"Ow. Son of a bitch!" said Stewie as he rubbed his head in pain, "Oh, now look what the fatman did! We're lost! What do you think should we do?"

Maddie just sucked her thumb.

"Oh, I forgot. You're just a baby. You can't talk," said Stewie, "Yet... _I'm_ a baby... and _I_ can talk. LEARN TO TALK, DAMMIT!!!"

Maddie then began to cry. Stewie then covered his ears.

"Will you stop that incessant crying!?!?" shouted Stewie, "God, I'm trying to figure a way out, and all you do is holler! Fine, I'll get of here alone!"

Stewie then walked away as Maddie was crying some more. Stewie took a few more steps before looking back.

"Oh, she'll be fine," said Stewie as he took a few more steps and looked back, "Why do I keep looking back?" asks Stewie, "I said she'll be fine," he then took a few more steps, "Okay, I'm still looking back. Why am I looking back? I want to go _this_ way," said Stewie as he took a few more steps. He then ran right back to Maddie, picked her up and carried her as he then walked back to where he was going, "Damn you, Lois, for giving me a conscience!"

Outside of James Woods, a search party consisting of The Griffin family, the Swanson family, Quagmire, Cleveland, Jillian, and Old Man Herbert are about to enter the woods.

"It looks like the stroller stopped dead when it hit this old stump, which in turned flung the kids out the stroller with Madeline landing in a pile a leaves while Stewie hit this tree face first," said Peter, pointing to an imprint of Stewie's face on a tree, "This imprint looks fresh, so they can't be far behind."

"Wow, Peter," said Lois, "That was actually... not dumb."

"Do you think we'll ever see our daughter and Stewie, again?" asked Meg as she cried.

"We'll find them," said Zack as he hugged Meg, "I promise."

"Yeah, don't you worry. We'll find your babies," said Joe, "Even though chances of us finding them alive are almost slim to none with them dying in the most horrible way, such as a bear attack, but just try to keep a positive attitude, okay?"

"Wow! Thanks Joe," said Zack sarcastically, "That's makes us feel _much_ better!"

"Just doing my job," said Joe.

"Exactly what kind of children are we looking for?" asked Herbert.

"My baby daughter," said Meg.

"Your DAUGHTER?!?!" asked Herbert, "Well, nuts to that! I'm going home!"

"We're also looking for Stewie," said Zack.

"The football headed boy?" asked Herbert, "Now you're talking my language!"

"If we split up, we'll cover more ground and find the kids faster," said Meg.

"Good idea, honey," said Zack, "Brian, you, Lois, and Peter go north. Quagmire, you, Cleveland, and Herbert go west. Joe, you and your family go east. Meg and I will go south."

"What about me and Jillian?" asked Chris, "What do you want us to do?"

"Oh! Um... Stay there and not screw things up," said Zack, "Okay, people! Let's move out!"

"Hold on a moment. Say, Jillian," said Herbert, "Can we talk, over by that tree?"

"Okay," said Jillian as she and Herbert walked over by the tree, "What did you want to talk to me about?"

"Listen up you little skank!" said Herbert angrily, "You probably don't see anybody with Chris, but let me warn you that he's MINE! You better not steal him from me with your slutty body movements and your skimpy outfit. If you so much as lay a FINGER on my man I'll tear you up into lil' itty bitty pieces, understand!?!"

"Um... okay..." said Jillian nervously.

"Okay, I'm ready to go, now," said Herbert as he rejoined the group. 

Meanwhile, back in James Woods, Stewie is carrying Maddie while running. He had been running for half an hour but hasn't found a way out, yet.

"Damn! It's been half an hour and we've found nothing!" said Stewie as he put Maddie down, "And what's worse is that we've been going around in circles! I know, because I scribbled on that tree."

Stewie points to a tree that has the words "Brian is still a douche" badly scribbled on it.

"Oh! We'll never get out of here!" Stewie panicked, "WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!! WE'RE GONNA D-"

Stewie was then slapped in the face by Maddie.

"Uncle Stewie! Get a hold of yourself!" shouted Maddie.

"Oh... thanks," said Stewie, "I really need- WHAAAAAAT?!?!? You... you... you talked!!!"

**End Chapter.**


	20. Bear Attack!

**Chapter 20: Bear Attack**

"You... you... you talked!!!" said Stewie in shock, "How? You're just a baby!"

"I don't know," said Maddie, "You're a baby, and you can talk. How did you?"

"Hmm... That's a good point," said Stewie, "Well, I have seen stranger things. Like that one episode of Scooby Doo."

**Flashback**

Inside of a haunted house, the Scooby Doo gang are just about to inevitably split up.

"Let's split up, gang!" said Fred, "But first, I want to talk to Shaggy alone for a minute."

Fred then takes Shaggy away from the group to talk to him.

"Okay. Like, what is it, Freddy," asked Shaggy.

"I've, uh, I've noticed that you and Daphne having been seeing each other a lot lately," said Fred.

"Yeah, so?" asked Shaggy, "We're friends. Wait... are you getting jealous?"

"What? No! How can I be jealous?" laughed Fred, "To show you that I'm totally not jealous, I want you to wear this shirt before we go find this monster."

"Hey, wow!" said Shaggy as he put on the shirt, "I like this red shirt. Wait, why is the Star Trek emblem on here?"

"Uh, that's a typo," said Fred as they walked back to the group, "Anyway, let's split up! Velma, you and Scooby search the library. Shaggy, you go alone to the dark dasement where the monster was last seen. Daphne and I will check out the Master Bedroom!"

(AN: Only Star Trek geeks will probably get this joke.)

**End Flashback **

Back outside of James Woods, Chris and Jillian are in conversation.

"You don't think they left us here because they think we're too stupid, do you?" asked Chris.

"If we're the stupid ones, why are _they_ the ones going into the dark and scary woods?" asked Jillian.

"Because they're looking for the babies," said Chris.

"Oh, right."

"Say Jillian," said Chris, "What are the odds of a girl like me and a guy like you ever hooking up."

"I'd say about one in a million."

"So you're saying... there _is_ a chance?"

"Exactly!" said Jillian, "Why'd you ask."

"Well, I've been thinking that since my sister and your brother got together, that maybe we can... uh... you know... get together."

"I'm sorry Chris," said Jillian, "It just wouldn't work."

"Look just hear me out," said Chris, "I mean, you and I have a lot more things in common than you and Brian. We both like the snow show(that's the static on the TV), we thought Barney was a real dinosaur, and we hate that scary clown who does the M with his hands. I think my evil monkey likes you, too."

The evil monkey appears with his evil frown and instead of pointing his finger, he holds out flowers and shakes his arm viciously.

"That is true, but you're only 14," said Jillian, "and I'm... well really really old. I'm a little older than 23."

(AN: I'm just guessing Jillian's age. I don't think it was ever specified on the show.)

"I understand. If you change your mind, you'll know where to find me," said Chris.

"In your room masterbating to pictures of me?" asked Jillian.

"Bingo," said Chris, "Hey, I've got an idea! We'll find those kids first. That'll prove we aren't stupid!"

"That's a good idea," said Jillian, "Where should we look first?"

"Hmmmm..." said Chris as he looked at a couple of small footprints that went the direction that Stewie and Maddie went, "I have absolutely no idea."

Back where the two babies are, they're walking along an old trail in hopes of finding a way home.

"Uncle Stewie, do you hate me?" asked Madeline.

"What?" asked Stewie.

"Do you hate me?" she repeated.

"Do I hate you?" said Stewie, "You now, hate is such a strong word. Just what is hate? Well, webster defines it as-"

"Just answer the question," she said.

"I hate your guts," said Stewie, "Even before you were born. In fact I think it's your fault that we're lost. Why do you ask?"

"Because I don't hate you," said Maddie, "In fact I look up to you. You're smart, funny, and witty. In fact, I want to be just like you... well except for the whole taking over the world and killing your mother thing."

"Why... I'm touched!" said Stewie, "I never knew you thought about me like that. It almost makes me feel bad when I shaved you bald when you were asleep with your dad's clippers and blamed it on him. He didn't get any for 5 whole days."

"What?" asked Maddie.

"What?" said Stewie avoiding the question, "Did you say something."

"Nevermind" she said.

In the middle of the woods, Zack, Meg, Peter, Lois, and Brian meet up.

"Did you find anything?" asked Meg.

"Nothing," said Lois, "What about you guys?"

"We did see a tree that had 'Brian is Still a Douche' scribbled on it a couple ways back," said Zack.

"Good, we have a lead," said Brian, "I hope the others are having better luck."

Meanwhile at where Quagmire's group is...

"Hey, Cleveland, can you give me a hand?" asked Quagmire.

"What's wrong now?" asked Cleveland.

"It's... um... it's caught in a snapping plant this time," said Quagmire.

"Not again!" said Cleveland, "Hey, where'd Herbert go?"

Back where Stewie and Madeline are, they are both getting tired from walking.

"Oh god I'm tired," said Stewie, "Let's lay down for a minute."

They both laid down on what appeared to be a brown rock. Stewie then punched on it a little to make it soft until he realised something was wrong.

"Hmmm, well this particular rock is quite warm and fuzzy," he said.

"And... breathing?" said Maddie. Her eyes widened when she realised what it was, "Uh oh!"

The rock got up and revealed itself to be a huge, angry bear. Stewie and Maddie then ran for their lives until they ran into a dead end. Before the bear could kill them, an old whistly voice could be hear.

"Hey you! You get away from them kids!" said Herbert as the bear turned around, "Remember me? You attacked me while I was looking at the boy scouts. Now I'm gonna return the favor!"

"Oh, thank god!" said Stewie, "It's the perverted old pedophile. He's going to save us from the bear in a long fight sequence that parodies a movie! I'm sure of it!"

As Herbert is about to fight the bear, the bear promptly grabs Herbert and eats him.

"Okay, I so did not see that one coming," said Stewie.

"I knew he couldn't fight the bear," said Maddie.

"You know, Maddie, I Knew has a brother," said Stewie, "I think he goes by the name of SHUT THE HELL UP!"

The Bear then inched closer to the two cornered babies.

"What'll we do," said Maddie.

"If we play dead, the bear will leave us alone!" said Stewie.

"Um, the old man was practically close to dead and the bear ate him," said Maddie.

Just then, Jillian and Chris came in to see that bear was about to maul the children.

"Oh my god!" said Jillian, "That enormous Teddy Bear is going to cuddle them to death!"

"I'll distract the bear! You get the kids and run!" said Chris.

"But the bear will get you!" said Jillian.

"Don't worry! I had experience wrestling a bear!" said Chris, "It was an invisible one and it was trained and it might not have even been real, mind you, but it was a bear none the less!"

Chris then lept towards the bear.

"TERIAAAAAAAA!!!!" he shouted as he tackled the bear and wrestled it. Jillian then quickly grabbed the two babies as ran.

"Don't worry," said Jillian, "You're safe."

"Hmmm... wow, I've got a nice view," said Stewie who was tucked underneath Jillian's breats.

Chris could only hold the bear off for so long and was flung off of him. He hit a wall and landed next to Jillian.

"Chris, are you alright?" asked Jillian, worried.

"I think I'm okay," said Chris, "Is the pancreas an important organ?"

"I don't know, why?" asked Jillian.

"Because I think it's bleeding," said Chris.

The bear was getting angrier. He was stomping towards Jillian, Chris, and the babies and was about to take a swipe at them, until suddenly, it was dropkicked by Lois from nowhere. The bear then instantly threw up the old man.

"I'm covered in slime?" he asked, "I don't remember being on a drug trip!"

"Lois!" said Stewie in surprise.

As the bear was stumbling around, Peter toe kicks him and delivers a Stone Cold Stunner. Then as he stumbles some more, Zack gives him the final blow with a Rock Bottom.

"Okay, the Dropkick and the Stunner were good," said Jillian, "But the Rock Bottom was just animal cruelty."

"Who cares!" said Stewie, "We're alive!"

"Oh Stewie!" said Lois as she grabbed her baby, "Mommy thought she'd never see you again!"

"Maddie!" said Meg as she grabbed and hugged her baby.

"Thank God you're alright!" said Zack.

"You wouldn't believe what happened to us!" said Stewie, "We got lost in the woods and when I was losing it, Maddie began to talk!"

Everyone looked at each other in confusion. They then looked at Maddie who was sucking her thumb and speaking in baby talk.

"Maddie can't talk," said Meg, "She's not even one year old."

"But she talked, dammit!" said Stewie, "Stop mocking me!"

"I think someone's just a little tired from being lost," said Lois as she and everyone else began walking away from the woods, "It's time to go home."

Meanwhile in the car ride home, in the back seat, Stewie looks over at Maddie.

"Why didn't you talk when the grownups were around?" whispered Stewie, "They all thought I was crazy!"

"I'm sorry, but I don't want them to hear me talk just yet," whispered Maddie, "I'm still a baby, and I want to be treated like one. If they heard me talk, they'll think I'm intelligent and treat me differently. I want to enjoy my first few years."

"I see..." said Stewie, "I forgot your parents aren't as stupid as mine. They don't even know I'm a genius. Hell, your grandmother doesn't even know I want to kill her! I suppose it's for the best."

"Shouldn't we get Chris to a hospital?" asked Jillian, "He did get wounded by a bear."

"Nah, he'll be fine," said Peter.

"Dad, I think I'm losing my vision," said Chris.

"I SAID you'll be FINE!" said Peter annoyed.

**End Chapter.**


	21. Pumpkins

(AN: I'm so sorry about the lack of updates. My real life has been pretty busy. Well, that and I've become a lazy bastard as of late... Now I'll be updating whenever I feel like it. Anyway, enjoy!)

**Chapter 21: Pumpkins.**

Meg was sitting in the living room playing with baby Madeline when Zack and Peter come into the house.

"We're home," said Zack.

"Where have you guys been?" asked Meg.

"Been around town doing guy stuff," said Peter, "It's too complicated for women to understand."

**Flashback**

Peter and Zack are by somebody's house with a sack of crap. They light it on fire, ring the doorbell, run away giggling and hide behind a bush. Out of the house comes Bruce the performance artist.

"Oh dear! that bag's on fire," said Bruce, "I should stomp it out. I _could _use the hose, but then I'd just be wasting water. Now if I stomp it out, I might get something real nasty on my shoe. But if I don't, the flames will spread and we don't want that to happen, now do we? Hmmm... I think I'll just stomp it out," he said as he stomped on the bag. Sure enough, he got poo on his shoe, "Oh Noooo! Now my shoe is ruined because I fell for a prankster's trick. But this also means I get to buy new shoes. Yaaay for me! It looks like everybody wins."

Bruce then walked back into his house.

"You know, this prank isn't really funny when nobody gets mad," said Peter.

"Agreed," said Zack

**End Flashback**

"So what have you been doing?" asked Zack.

"Well, I taught Maddie how to fingerpaint," said Meg holding Maddie's picture, "Look what she made!"

The picture was of her family which consisted of Zack, Meg, Lois, Chris, Stewie, Brian, and Jillian.

"Wow, that's very good, honey," said Zack to Maddie, "But where's grandpa?"

"Oh, she drew dad right here," said Meg pointing to Peter on the drawing who was being carried away and eaten by a T-Rex in the distance shouting 'HELP!', "Isn't it cute? She likes dinosaurs!"

Maddie then started rubbing her paint covered hands onto her hair and face, and then giggled in a very cute manner.

"Well, it looks like our little artist needs a bath. Let's go," said Zack as he was about to carry Maddie upstairs, but spotted Jillian and Chris fingerpainting, "What the hell are you two doing?"

"Fingerpainting," said Chris, "I'm making a house!"

"I'm making a kitty," said Jillian, "Give me that pink paint, Chris."

"No way! It's mine!" said Chris.

"But you're never gonna use it!" whined Jillian, "Zaaack! Chris won't share the paint!"

"But I'm using it right now!" said Chris.

"For what?" asked Jillian.

"To... hold my drawing down," said Chris as he set the bottle of paint on his drawing, "See? You can have it when I'm done."

"But you'll NEVER be done!" whined Jillian, "GIMMIE!" she shouted as she tried to get the paint from Chris, but he kept moving it out of Jillian's reach.

"DAMMIT! IF YOU TWO DON'T SHARE, NO ONE GETS TO F#CKING FINGERPAINT!" shouted Zack as he snatched the paint from Chris.

"But she-" said Chris.

"No!" said Zack.

"But-" said Jillian.

"SHARE!" said Zack.

After a moment of silence, Chris handed Jillian the paint.

"I'm sorry, Jillian," said Chris.

"I'm sorry, Chris," said Jillian.

"Good, now if you two fight again, I'm gonna put you both in time out!" said Zack as he walked upstairs with Maddie in his arms, "Retards... Anyway, Meg. After this, do you want me to make you a TV dinner or something?"

"Okay, but PLEASE read the instructions on the back of the box," said Meg, "You know what happened last time you microwaved something without reading the instructions."

**Flashback**

In the kitchen Zack is about to microwave a burrito.

"Zack, it says you should take off the wrapper before putting it in the microwave," said Meg.

"Pish posh!" said Zack, "It's just a burrito. I mean, what's the worst that can happen?"

Zack then put his wrapped burrito in the microwave and as he turned it on... The microwave grew metals arms and legs, and an angry face appeared on the microwave door. The microwave had became... THE MICROWAVE MONSTER!!!

"Oh my god! It's alive!" screamed Meg as the monster crept towards them.

Zack then takes out his shot gun and after firing 5 rounds, the microwave monster is finally dead. Zack and Meg are then breating heavily after their little encounter. Peter then comes into the kitchen.

"Oh, I see you guys left the wrapper on the burrito," said Peter, "Don't worry. It happened to me the first time I tried to make a burrito."

**End Flashback**

A few hours later, Meg, Lois, Maddie, Stewie, and Chris were about to go to the store. Zack then comes in.

"Where are you guys going?" asked Zack.

"We're going to the store to buy pumpkins!" said Chris.

"Wait? D-did you say pumpkins?" asked Zack.

"Yeah, you know? For halloween?" said Meg, "We're going to make Jack-o-laterns."

"You want to help us pick pumpkins?" asked Lois.

"No, no! I need to stay here with Peter because... hey what's that thing you like to do around this time, Peter?" asked Zack.

"I was gonna take a shower," said Peter.

"There, that's it! I was gonna take a shower with Peter," said Zack, "Y'know, just me and Peter, and no girls and definitely no pumpkins."

"Oookaaay..." said Lois confused, "Anyway, we'll be right back."

Lois and the others then left to the supermarket.

"Geez, this is really awkward," said Peter, "Okay, you can shower with me, but no funny stuff if I drop the soap."

"I'm not showering with you, you idiot!" said Zack, "I made that up to get out of shopping."

"What? I thought you like shopping with Meg," said Peter, "Is there something wrong."

"It's, um, everything's fine. Anyway, I'm going outside," said Zack as he opened the door and walked out.

"Are you sure you're alright?" asked Peter, "Is there something you wanna talk about?"

"I told you I'm fine! Why would you think there's anything wrong, anyway?" asked Zack from outside.

"Nothing, it's just... it's just that you walked into a closet."

"..."

"..."

"SHUT UP!!!"

Later that evening in the kitchen Chris, Stewie, Lois, and Meg were carving pumpkins.

"Hey, check out my pumpkin, little dude," said Chris to Stewie, "It's a kitty!"

"A kitty?!? Why, that's not scary at all!" said Stewie, "I've just carved the scariest pumpkin known to man. More hideous than anything in any B-rated horror movie!"

"Wow let me see!" said Chris. Stewie then turned his pumpkin and to Chris is horror, he saw... Meg face! "AAAAAUGHHH!!!! TAKE IT AWAY!!! TAKE IT AWAY!!!"

"That isn't funny!" said Meg.

"What the hell's all that screaming?" said Zack annoyed as he entered the kitchen.

"Well, look who's finally come out of the closet," said Stewie, "HA! I said that you finally came out of the closet! I'm implying that you are a homosexual now. You know? Like a closet homosexual? Ah, that's rich."

"That screaming was because they saw THAT!" said Meg annoyed as she pointed to the pumpkin with her face carved onto it.

"AAAAAUGGGGHHH!!!! GET IT AWAY!!!!" screamed Zack.

"Zack, that's ME," said Meg.

"Oh, sorry. I ju- AAAAAAUUUUGHHHHHHH!!!!" screamed Zack after he looked at Meg.

"Zack? Are you alright?" asked Meg as she tried to walk towards him to comfort him. He instead screamed even louder and ran out of the kitchen, "He never did that before..."

"Maybe he finally opened his eyes and saw how ugly and fat you really are," said Stewie.

"Oh my god! What if Stewie's right?" asked Meg in horror.

"What the hell's all that yelling for?" asked Peter.

"Zack screamed when he saw that?" said Lois as she pointed to the pumpkin with Meg's face on it.

"AUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!!" screamed Peter, "BURN IT!!! B-"

"Peter, don't you start!" said Lois angrily.

"Zack thinks I'm ugly, now!" sobbed Meg as she buried her face into her hands.

"Now that's not true," said Peter, "Now everyone else in Quahog may think that including me, but not Zack. Unlike the rest of Quahog, Zack is very open-minded when it comes to beauty."

"You're father's right," said Lois, "You should just talk to him."

"Alright, I'll try," said Meg as she left the kitchen and went into the living room where Zack is sitting on the sofa, looking all wide eyed and scared, "Are you okay?"

"AAAAAUGHHH!!!" screamed Zack as he covered his eyes with his hand, "I can't see you! Go away!"

"Zack, is there something you need to talk about?" asked Meg.

"Of course not!" said Zack, "Oh, Meg?"

"Yes?"

"Tonight, can you wear this during sex?"

"Zack, this is a paper bag. You never needed to use one of these when we had-"

"JUST WEAR THE DAMN BAG TONIGHT!!!"

Later that night, Peter and Lois can hear Meg and Zack doing it from their room.

"You know, it feels so naughty listening to Meg and Zack make love," giggled Lois.

"And that why we're doing it!" said Peter.

"Oh Zack!" moaned Meg from the other room.

"Oh Meg!," said Zack.

"Oh Zack!"

"Oh Me- AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

"Oh, geez, the bag must've fallen off" said Peter.

"YOU THINK I'M UGLY!!!" cried Meg as she ran to the living room, "I'M SLEEPING ON THE COUCH!!!"

"Meg wait! Comeback, but- but don't turn around!" said Zack as he then stopped in front of Peter and Lois's door(He is in his boxers and tanktop, by the way. He's NOT naked you perverts), "What're you lookin' at?"

"You stop being such a shallow prick towards Meg!" said Lois angrily.

"Shallow?!?! I'm not being shallow!" said Zack.

"Yes, you are," said Peter, "You keep screaming everytime you see Meg's face."

"I'm just too angry with him right now! I'm gonna go comfort Meg," said Lois as she left the room.

"Just why do you think Meg's ugly all of a sudden?" asked Peter, "You know, instead of when you first met her?"

"It's not Meg's face. It's just-" Zack said before he let out a sigh, "Promise me you won't tell anyone else this."

"I don't know, Zack. I'm not really good at keeping secrets."

**Flashback.**

Somewhere in a snowy field, Peter comes across Mortal Kombat's Sub-Zero.

"You know, Scorpion puts on lotion before his fights with you," said Peter, "It has something to do with feeling you against his soft skin."

Sub-Zero just looks at Peter in confusion.

"HOW COULD YOU TELL HIM THAT," shouted Scorpion, "I TRUSTED YOU, PETER! NOW MY REPUTATION IS RUINED."

Scorpion then runs away crying with his face buried in his hands.

"Oh well, at least I didn't say anything about Rain being gay," said Peter.

"Dammit Peter!" shouted Rain, "I CAN'T TELL YOU _ANYTHING_!!!"

Rain then runs away crying.

"If you them our secret, we will kill you!" said Ermac.

"You mean about one of your souls being a child mole-"

"WHAT DID WE JUST TELL YOU?!?!"

"Okay! Shutting up."

**End Flashback.**

"You're the only one I can talk to right now," said Zack "Just promise me!"

"Okay, I promise," said Peter.

"Okay," said Zack as then took a deep breath, "Peter, I'm afraid of Jack-o-laterns!"

Peter then stared at Zack for about 5 seconds and bursted into laughter.

"Jack-o-laterns?!?!" asked Peter, "Hahahaha! That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

"It's not stupid!" said Zack, "In fact it stems from a very traumatic experience from my childho-"

"Yeah, blah blah blah blah blah!" said Peter as he moved his hand like a mouth, "But, where does Meg fit into this?"

"Now everytime I see Meg, I see that creepy looking Jack-o-latern," said Zack, "It sucks because I love her, and I don't want to see a freaking pumpkin everytime we have sex."

"Don't you worry, Zack," said Peter, "Starting tomorrow, I'm gonna try to cure you."

"Thanks Peter," said Zack as he turned around to leave.

"Oh, and Zack?"

"Yeah, Peter?" said Zack as he turned around.

"OOGA BOOGA!!!" shouted Peter wearing a jack-o-latern mask.

"AAAAAAAAUGGGGGGGHHHH!!!" screamed Zack as he ran away.

The next day, Peter and Zack go out to a pumpking patch to help cure Zack of his fears.

"What are we doing here in a pumpkin patch?" asked Zack.

"This is the first step to curing you," said Peter.

"But I'm afraid of Jack-o-laterns, not pumpkins."

"No, no, were taking this one step at a time. You see, pumpkins are just faceless Jack-o-laterns. If you learn to like pumpkins, it'll make it easier for you to face your fear."

"I... I guess that makes sense."

"Alright, I want you to take this pumpkin," said Peter as he handed Zack an pumpkin, "Hold it! Feel it! Caress it! Love it!"

"But Peter, it's just a pum-"

"LOVE IT!!!!"

"Okay! Okay!" said Zack as he began to stroke the pumpkin and then stopped, "Oh this is stupid!!!"

"No, keep going," said Peter, "You're doing this for Meg, remember? Now make out with the pumpkin."

Zack then sighed heavily and began to kiss the pumpkin passionately.

"HEY!!!" shouted the pumplin farmer, "WHAT'RE YOU DOIN' MOLESTIN' ONE OF MY PUMPKINS"

Peter and Zack then ran off the pumpkin with the pumpkin at hand. Meanwhile at the Rhinoplasty, Meg is ready about ready to pay for plastic surgery.

"Meg you can't go through with this," pleaded Lois.

"I have to," said Meg, "If Zack doesn't find me attractive anymore, I need this plastic surgery."

"But there are plenty of other men in the world who would like you for who you are."

"Name one," said Meg.

"Well, there's... um... what about?... um... uhhh, ohhhh..." said Lois in defeat, "Give her a nice boob job," she said to one of the plastic surgeons.

Back at the house, Peter was coming into the living room to check on Zack.

"Let's see how you and the pumpkin are getting alo- OH MY GOD!!!" screamed Peter as he saw the whole living room was covered in smashed pumpkin and pumpkin guts, "What the hell happened?!?!"

"Oh, I caught the pumpkin cheating on me with a watermelon," said Zack, "It had to be done."

"Whoa! Just... whoa! You don't plan on doing this Meg if she cheats on you, do you?"

"It was a damn pumpkin not a human being. Of course not!"

Just then, Lois comes home through the door.

"Alright, we're home," said Lois.

"Hey, where's Meg?" asked Zack.

"Right here!" said Meg as she stepped inside. She was wearing a halter top with a mini skirt and had long blonde hair, firm full lips, large breasts, and wore lots of make-up on her face.

"My god, Meg," said Zack in astonishment, "You look... like a whore! I mean, just look at you!"

"UUUUGHH!!!! I GIVE UP!!!" shouted Meg, "Why do I even bother?!?!? When I look normal, I'm ugly! When I get surgery, I'm a whore! How the hell am I supposed to please you?!?!"

"Meg listen. There's something I need to tell you," said Zack, "I didn't think you were ugly. I'm... I'm scared of Jack-o-lanterns."

"What?" she asked.

"I got so freaked out by that pumpkin that looked like you, that I kept seeing it everytime I saw you," said Zack, "I didn't want to tell you because it made me seem like a wuss."

"Zack, it's okay," said Meg, "It's normal to be afraid of things. It doesn't make you any less of a man."

"Of course not," said Peter, "Now being neutered. THAT makes you less of a man."

"You know, I feel so much better now that I've talked about it," said Zack.

"Yeah, but what I'm I going to do about this?" asked Meg about he new look.

"Hold on a sec," said as he flicked Meg in the forehead. She then instantly became her old self again. Yes even her clothes came back.

"Whoa! That was amazing," said Meg, "But... you forgot my boobs."

"No I didn't! You... you always had those," lied Zack.

"No I didn't," said Meg.

"Well... can we at least pretend, tonight?"

"I guess we can," said Meg as she and Zack kissed.

"Zack, you just kissed Meg without freaking out!" said Lois.

"You're right!" said Zack, "Do you know what this means?"

"You're gay?" asked Peter.

"No, it means I'm cured of my fear!" said Zack.

"Oh, yeah that thing," said Peter.

"Hey, does anybody know what happened to that pumpkin with my face on it?" asked Meg.

"I don't know," said Lois, "It was outside a minute ago..."

Meanwhile at Quagmire's house, He's in bed with the Meg pumpkin.

"Wow, you give fine head, Meg," said Quagmire, "The Jack-o-lantern has just become the Jackoff-o-lantern! OH!!! Giggity, giggity, giggity giggity!!!"

**End Chapter.**


	22. Buried Alive and Snowballs

**Chapter 22: Buried Alive/The Snowball Wars**

A few days after Zack's little pumpkin trauma, Peter decided that it was time for the Griffins to take a vacation at a ski resort in Colorado. Zack decided to invite Jillian along since she was still a little down from her breakup with Brian... and then Adam... and then Micheal. Just who is Micheal? Well, how the hell should I know?

"It was very thoughtful of you to take us to a ski resort," said Lois.

"Well, it's the least I could do," said Peter as he was driving, "This should more than make up for that awful vacation we took to Shifting Sand Land."

**Flashback**

At Shifting Sand Land, everyone is basically hot and miserable.

"Dammit, Peter, this vacation sucks!" said Lois, "We've been chased by Pokeys and Shyguys, and there's no water except for over there and it's being blocked by Tox boxes."

"A condor just stole my hat!" said Chris.

"Common," said Peter, "This vacation isn't _that_ bad. I mean, we got sand, sun, and a big ass pyramid. Just look on the bright side for a change."

"BRIGHT SIDE?!?! MEG JUST FELL INTO QUICKSAND!!!" shouted Lois angrily.

"HELP ME!!!" screamed Meg as she was sinking.

"Don't worry, Meg," said Peter, "It's video game quicksand. Just jump a few times and you'll be out."

**End Flashback**

"Maddie, how would you like to build a snowman together?" asked Meg, "It'll be fun!"

Maddie giggled and clapped her hands happily

"I remember my first snowman," said Zack as he chuckled, "Unfortunately, a bully came and neutered him with an ice cream scooper..." he added in a downer tone.

"I remember that," said Jillian, "Even for a snowman, that was just disturbing to see."

"Neuter snowman," said Stewie as he was taking notes, "Brilliant! Oh I can't wait to see the look on the other kids' faces! They'll be all like, 'Can he really do that? Can he do that to my snowman? I didn't even put genitals on him! Can he do that?'"

After the long ride, the family finally make it to the ski resort at Colorado. After checking in and stuff Meg, Lois, and Maddie were building a snowman. Then Peter walks up to them.

"Hey, Lois! Look what I made!" he said as he showed them a Zack shaped snowman.

"Hey, that's really good," said Lois, "Wait a minute... where's Zack?"

"Zack better not be in that snowman," said Meg, "I better not be hearing him scream for help in there."

"Hey, what's going on?" asked Zack as he came up to them.

"Zack?" asked Lois.

"Yeah, I went back to the lodge to get a Mountain Dew," he added, "Hey, nice SnowZack! Looks just like the real deal!"

Suddenly the head of the SnowZack broke apart to reveal Brian.

"Why the hell did you that?!?!" asked Brian angry, "I mean, why use _me_ to make a SnowZack?!?! WHY?!?!"

"Okay... anyway, look at the Snowman Maddie and I ma- AAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!" Meg screamed as she saw that the genital area of the snowman was scooped.

"OH MY GOD!!! IT'S HAPPENING ALL OVER AGAIN!!!" screamed Zack as he began pulling on his hair as he then got into a fetal position and cried.

Maddie then walked over to Stewie who was laughing while holding an ice cream scooper.

"That was so not funny!" she said angrily to Stewie, "You just brought back a bad wound to my dad that will take years to heal which he will probably take out on me with beatings!"

"Oh come on! It was ingenius!" said Stewie.

"You just scooped out a snowman 'down there'," said Maddie, "That's hardly ingenius."

"Fine, if you feel that I dishonored your father so much than you shall defend that honor... in a snowball war!"

"A snowball war?" asked Maddie, "Fine, I accept!"

"The rules are simple," said Stewie, "We shall each pelt each other with snowballs until one of us surrenders, agreed?"

"Agree-" said Maddie before she was knocked out with a snowball.

"Oh and did I meantion it was no holds barred starting now?" laughed Stewie as he walked away.

"...I see..." said Maddie as she was trying to get up, but her parka was too heavy, "Maybe I should just cry until mom and dad pick me up... but God knows that could take a while."

"Why did it have to be Frosty?" cried Zack still curled up while Meg was patting his back, "WHY?!?!"

Meanwhile, Chris and Jillian where wandering around the snowy peaks in conversation.

"I'm so sorry about your breakup with Brian... and Adam West... and Micheal. Whoever the hell that is," said Chris.

"It's okay, Chris," said Jillian, "It means I can start a whole new relationship. Someday, I want to find someone who likes me for who I am instead of just for my body and that I'm easy."

"You know, Jillian, like I said, we could get together" said Chris, "We can get a cup of hot coco at the lodge."

"Chris, I told you I'm too old for you," said Jillian.

"But Zack is older than Meg," said Chris.

"But he's only 3 years older," said Jillian, "You're 14! I'm an adult! That would make me a pedophile!"

"Really?" asked Chris, "You know, I've never met a pedophile before."

"I know," said Jillian, "But that old guy's kinda wierd, though."

Before they knew it, they stumbled onto an old abandoned cabin.

"Cool, a cabin!" said Chris.

"Wow, it looks like it's abandoned," said Jillian, "Want to look inside?"

"Sure," said Chris as they walked into the cabin. It looked like nobody had been inside for years as there where cobwebs everywhere.

"Can you believe it?" asked Jillian, "An abondoned cabin all the way out here. What are the odds?"

"I know, I mean a cabin all the way out here where nobody could hear me scream if you were to rape me in a very sexy way," said Chris, "Uh, not that I'm encouraging it or anything, but if you want to, now's your chance."

Meanwhile, back near the lodge, Maddie was making herself a bunch of snowballs and a little fort when suddenly she hears Stewie.

"Psst! Hey you!" said Stewie from somewhere.

"Stewie?" asked Maddie as she turned around. She saw that Stewie was in an ice igloo that covered him from all areas except that there was a small opening for him to see through.

"Hey, blondie!" he said, "Yeah, I just called you blondie and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm protected by my fort."

"Yeah, that's a pretty nice fort," said Maddie, "Protected from every angle, huh?"

"Yup, I'm covered from head to toe," said Stewie, "Nothing can get in. Not snowballs.. not even you!"

"Yeah, but can you get out?" asked Maddie.

"...DAMN!!!!" shouted Stewie. Before he knew it, Maddie then threw a snowball that perfectly penetrated the small opening. The force from the snowball knocked Stewie from the back of the fort, and as soon as he realised he was opened, he ran for the hills.

Maddie, however, began bombarding Stewie with snowballs.

"Hey, you kids having a snowball fig-" said Peter before one of Maddie's snowballs accidentally hit Peter... in his crotch. Maddie and Stewie looked on in horror as Peter had a wide eyed look in pain as he struggled to say something. Then finally he shouted, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Somewhere in the distance, Peter yelling caused an avalanche. Now, this avalanche happened to be where Jillian and Chris where, so odds are, the avalanche is gonna bury them in the abandoned cabin. You know, like in the title? "Buried Alive"? Yeah...

"What's that rumbling?!?!" shouted Chris as everything began to shake.

After the rumbling stopped, Jillian took a look outside the window to see that everything was white.

"Oh my gosh!" said Jillian, "The sky must've fallen and everything's now white!"

"Um... Jillian, I don't think the sky fell," said Chris as he opened the door to reveal snow, "We got caught in an avalanche!"

"You mean..."

"That's right! We've just been..." said Chris as the camera zoomed in on his face, "BURIED ALIVE!!!"

Back at the lodge area, in Fort Maddie, she was preparing her troops of snowmen for attack by giving them a pep talk.

"Alright, men," she said, "Hopefullay, today is the that we defeat the football headed menace. Now some of you may not make it in battle, but remember what you are fighting for. You are fighting because you want it to be that someday, your children and their childrem and their children's children will be able to be snowpeople without being defaced in an embarrassing way! Now let's go out there and fight... FOR FREEDOM!!!"

She the waited for a moment as she was hearing imaginary cheers.

"NOT SO FAST!!!" shouted Stewie from his fort which was named Fort Stewie, "Look what I've got!"

Maddie takes a look outside to that outside of Fort Stewie, that he has one of Maddie's snowman captured. The snowman had his arms tied behind his back and a potato sack of his head.

"You fiend!" shouted Maddie, "Let him go!"

"No! Instead, I will make an example of him," said Stewie, "This is what will happen to all those snowmen who oppose me and are captured!"

Stewie then took out a flamethrower and slowly began to melt the snowman. Epic war-type music then began playing in the background, as Maddie and her snowmen watched in horror. Well the snowmen weren't really watching since they were inanimate objects, but I digress.

"Be strong, men!" said Maddie as tears filled her eyes.

"WHERE'S YOUR PRIDE NOW, SOLDIERS?!?!" shouted Stewie after he was done melting the snowman soldier, "SURRENDER!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"If it's a war you want..." said Maddie bitterly, "...Then it's a war you'll get!"

Back inside the abandoned cabin, Chris was trying to dig a way out, but the snow had compacted too hard.

"It's no use!" said Chris, "Where trapped, and no one knows where we are!"

"We'll freeze to death!" cried Jillian, "Chris, I don't wanna die!"

"Don't worry," said Chris, "I think we can make a fire out of these old wooden chairs."

"That's brilliant!" said Jillian as she and Chris piled the chairs.

"Do you have a match?" asked Chris.

"I'm not allowed to carry matches," said Jillian, "Not after my imaginary friend kept telling me to burn things."

"I... see..." said Chris as he backed away slowly.

Back at the resort, Peter, Zack, Meg, Lois, and Brian were in their room looking outside and watching the babies having their snow fight.

"Ohhh, isn't that just adorable?" said Lois.

"It's so cute how they're rolling and playing in the snow," said Meg.

Outside, Maddie and Stewie are angrily hitting, biting, and kicking each other in the snow. Stewie was then on top of Maddie, forcing her face into the snow.

"Stop eating snow, Maddie!" he said, "Why are you eating snow, Maddie?"

She then broke free and they continued to roll around again.

"Isn't it odd that Chris and Jillian haven't come back, yet?" asked Brian.

"Hey, your right," said Zack, "Where the heck are they?"

"I hope they didn't get lost during that avalanche," said Peter.

"Avalanche? What avalanche?" asked Lois.

"You know, that avalache I caused earlier when I got hit by a snowball in my pelvic region."

"Oh crap!" said Zack, "They could be trapped anywhere!"

"We need to go out there and find them," said Meg.

"But where?" asked Lois, "We don't know where to start looking."

"Last I remembered, they were headed towards where an old cabin is," said Brian.

"Then that's where we must go!" said Lois, "Let's go, Peter."

"I can't!" said Peter still in his chair, "If I move, somewhere a child will die!"

"...what?" asked Lois.

"No I'm serious..." said Peter.

"GET UP!" shouted Lois.

Back in the buried cabin, Jillian and Chris had been in there for hours and were only getting colder.

"It's so cold," said Chris as he shivered, "I'm getting kind of tired, too."

"Chris! Don't fall asleep!" said Jillian, "You'll never wake up! You need to stay warm!"

"WITH WHAT?!?!" shouted Chris, "THERE'S NO HEAT IN THIS CABIN, WE CAN'T BUILD A FIRE, AND WE DON'T HAVE A BLANKET!!! THERE'S NO WAY FOR US TO STAY WARM!!!"

"You're right," said Jillian as she began to weep, "We're going to die in an old, smelly cabin..."

"Wait!" said Chris, "There is a way we can stay warm for a while!"

"Really? Tell me!" said Jillian.

"We have to have sex," said Chris.

"No way! That's disgusting!" said Jillian.

"We don't really have much of a choice," said Chris, "We have to do this to survive."

Jillian then took a deep sigh.

"Oh my god... Let's just get it over with," said Jillian as she began undressing.

Meanwhile back in Quahog, Herbert is outside with his dog watching the kids play when suddenly he starts shivering.

"Well that's odd, Jasper," he said, "That's never happened before!"

Back in Colorado, Peter and the others are trying to get to the cabin area fast but to no avail since they have to move by foot.

"This is hopeless!" said Meg, "We'll never get there in time."

"We need something faster... like a jet ski!" said Peter as he saw a man with a snow jet ski.

"Here's a baseball bat," said Zack, "You know what to do."

"I'm way ahead of you!" said Peter as he took the bat, snuck up from behind the man, raised the bat, and said, "Can we borrow your jet ski? I'll let you have this bat."

"Sure," said the man.

"You see, the trick is to ask nicely," said Zack to the others, "It also doesn't hurt to give them something in return."

Back in the snow wars, Maddie is sneaking around Stewie's fort area with a snowball. She then see's Stewie's head peering from under the snow.

"Gotcha!" shouts Maddie as she raises her hand to throw the snowball.

"Not so fast," says Stewie, "Say hello to my little friend!"

The rest of Stewie then rises from the snow. Except that Stewie was now in a giant mech robot body that was made of ice.

"Ooooooooh sh-" said Maddie as Stewie began shooting a massive wave of snowballs from the mech's palm. Luckily, Maddie was able to dodge them at the last moment.

"Snowmehameha!" shouted Stewie as he created a giant snowball in a kamehameha-style. Said snowball missed Maddie but when it impacted into the lodge wall, it made a giant hole.

Maddie then went hiding into her fort hoping that Stewie couldn't get her. Unfortunately, he ripped the fort apart with the mech's arms and began bombarding the girl with snowballs until she was completely buried.

"HAHA!!! VICTORY IS MINE!!!" shouted Stewie as he then looked at Maddie and saw that... she was made of snow! "What the deuce? A DECOY!?!"

Maddie then ran from her hiding spot and in desperation, she kicked the mech body in the shin. Stewie stood there for a moment and then fell to the ground clutching his shin.

"SHHHHHHHHH... AHHHHHHHHH!!! SHHHHHH... AHHHHHHH!!!! SHHHHHHHHH... AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! SHHHHHHHHH... AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! SHHHHHHHHHHHH... AHHHHHHH!!!! SHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! SHHHHHHHHHHH... AHHHHHHH!!!! SHHHHHH-"

"If you don't stop, I'll do it again," said Maddie.

"Okay, I surrender..." said Stewie.

Back inside the buried cabin, Chris and Jillian are putting on their clothes back on.

"Wow, Chris, I never knew you so... big," she said.

"Yeah, and I also have a large wang!" said Chris.

"Umm, yeah," said Jillian, "But the wierd thing is I sorta _liked_ it!"

"Jillian, with all that moaning you did, sorta isn't even the tip of the iceberg," said Chris.

"If you tell anyone about this, I will destroy you!" she said angrily as she grabbed Chris by his coat collar.

"Okay, I won't!" said Chris in fear. They then just sat around waiting to be rescued.

"So now what?" asked Jillian.

"You wanna play 20 questions until we get rescued?" asked Chris.

"I guess..." said Jillian, "You wanna start?"

"Okay, I'm thinking of a word and it is NOT kitty," said Chris.

"Ummmm... is it kitty?"

"Okay, you got that one," said Chris, "Now I'm thinking of another word and it's DEFINITELY not kitty."

"Oh... Say, isn't it getting much colder in here?" asked Jillian.

"Um, no it's not," said Chris.

"Yes it is!" lied Jillian, "I'm starting to freeze. I need to get warm right away!"

"You mean...?"

"That's right," said Jillian, "You, me, right now, and get some snow so we can pretend it's whipped cream!"

"Forget the snow!" shouted Chris, "TAKE ME!!!"

Chris and Jillian began to make out wildly until suddenly Zack and Peter broke through the door after digging their way through.

"Chris! Jillian! We came to save- HOLY CRAP!!!" said Peter as he stopped when he saw Jillian and Chris making out. They stopped and looked at Peter and Zack in shock.

"It's not what it looks like!" said Jillian.

"Don't even bother," said Zack, "I've seen too much wierd crap in my life to even care. Let's just get the hell out of the here and we promise we won't tell."

As everyone made their way out of the hole, Lois ran up to Chris and hugged him.

"Chris, you're alright!" she said as she sniffed him a little, "Wait, why do you smell like wild hot nasty sex?"

"I do?" asked Chris, "Well see the thing is... Hey, I'm starved! Let's go back to the lodge and get something to eat!"

Later that day the family decided to return to their home in Quahog. 1 day later, Jillian comes over to the Griffin house to see Chris.

"Jillian?" asked Chris as she walked into his room, "Wha-What are you doing here?"

"Chris we have to talk," she said.

Meanwhile outside, somebody is looking through Chris's room with a pair of binoculars. It was old man Herbert sitting on a tree.

"Chris, Chris, Chris," said Herbert, "Now why do you have to cheat on me like that? You know I'm the only one for you. But... you don't know you're cheating on me, so I forgive you. But that hussie... she's going down."

Herbert then lost his balance on the tree he was sitting on and fell making a hard cracking sound as he hit the ground.

"OOOOOWWWW!!! MY HIP!"

**End chapter.**


	23. New Friends

**Chapter 23: New Friends**

"So.. what do you want to talk about, Jillian?" asked Chris.

"I'm scared!" said Jillian, "I missed my period this morning!"

"OH MY GOD!!!" shouted Chris, "You must've felt unusually fresh this morning."

"True, but it also means I could be pregnant," said Jillian. "Chris, I don't want to have a baby! No... that's not true..."

"Really?" asked Chris.

"Yes. I just don't want to have YOUR baby."

"Oh... well, we'll see Dr. Hartman today and he'll tell you if you're pregnant or not."

Later at the doctor's office, Dr. Hartman is about to announce the test results to Chris and Jillian who came alone.

"Well, the results are in," said Dr. Hartman, "And the results came back..."

Jillian and Chris began sweating as they awaited anxiously.

"...negative!"

Jillian and Chris then got up and cheered.

"YES!!! I'm SO glad we're not having a baby!" said Jillian.

"A baby? Oh no, these are the results of your HIV test," said Dr. Hartman, "Here are the results. Jillian you're pregnant. Congratulations."

Jillian and Chris then stop cheering and looked at Dr. Hartman with their jaws dropped. Jillian then begins to bawl uncontrollably.

"MY LIFE IS RUINED!" she cried.

"Yes, I get that alot," said Dr. Hartman.

After leaving the Doctor's office, Chris and Jillian get into her car. Jillian is still very upset about what has happened.

"This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me and it's all YOUR fault!" said Jillian.

"MY fault?!?!" shouted Chris, "How is this my fault?!?!"

"Let's see? It was YOUR idea to have sex and YOU didn't use ANY PROTECTION!!!"

"You weren't complaining when we were doing it! Remember?" shouted Chris, "'Faster Chris! Harder! Oh Chris! OH CHRIS!!!'"

"You shut up!" said Jillian angrily, "Oh god, what am I gonna tell Zack?"

"WHAT AM I GONNA TELL MOM AND DAD?!?!?" shouted Chris, "THEY'LL FREAK!!!"

"You know what? We won't tell them anything!" said Jillian, "Because I'm going to get an abortion!"

"An abortion?" asked Chris, "You should think about what you're doing! This is a living thing you're thinking about getting rid of!"

"No, my mind's made up! I don't want this baby and that's that. It's my body and I can do what I want with it."

They finally make it to the Griffin place and step inside. They see Zack and Meg on the couch watching TV while Madeline was playing with blocks on the floor.

"You guys are back already?" asked Jillian.

"So did you guys have a good time at the movies?" said Chris.

"Actually, it was embarassing," said Meg.

**Flashback**

Zack and Meg were at the movies watching something called "Death of a Clown". They're near the ending where the doctor checks the pulse of a clown, but he dies.

"Doctor, is he alright?" asked the nurse.

"No, Nurse Kelly. We have just witnessed, the death... of a clown," he said as he hung his head.

Meg began to cry and wipe the tears from her eyes. Zack had tears in his eyes, too... tears of laughter.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Did you hear that? God, the dialogue is SO corny!" laughed Zack.

"Will you quit laughing?" asked Meg angrily, "This is a drama, not a comedy."

"If this is supposed to be a drama then it phails," said Zack, "And that's phail with a 'PH', and not an 'F'. There's a difference."

"Just shut up and watch the movie," said Meg

Back on the screen...

"Now we will never hear the laughter of children, ever again," said the doctor as he cried.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Never hear the laughter?!?!? Who the hell writes this crap?!?! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"Knock it off!" said Meg, "Nobody finds this funny!"

"HAHAHAHAHA!!!" laughed Peter from the back row, "Never hear the laughter of children?!?!? Who the hell wrote this crap! This has to be the corniest dialogue I've ever hear."

"I know!" laughed Zack, "That's what _I_ just said!"

"But that nurse is pretty hot, though!" said Peter, "Just look at the size of those mountains!"

"Yeah, if I wasn't with Meg, I'd so plow that!"

"...You know what? I'll be in the car," sighed Meg as she left her seat.

**End Flashback.**

"You laughed at 'Death of a Clown'?!?!" asked Chris in shock, "How can you laugh at the tragic story of a clown whose life is cut short after a freak clown car accident at the circus goes horribly wrong???"

"No one cares!" he said, "Besides, clowns aren't real people anyway, just like strippers and wrestlers."

"That's a horrible thing to say!" said Meg, "How could you think that way about clowns?"

"You wouldn't care too much about clowns either if you saw "It"" said Zack.

"What's "It"?" she asked.

"What's "It"?!?! You should know what "It" is!" said Zack, "Everyone should know what "It" is. I shouldn't even have to explain what "It" is! If you don't know what "It" is then you should see "It" right now."

"See what?" asked Chris.

""It"" said Zack.

"No what's "It"" asked Jillian.

"Jillian, you've seen "It"" said Zack.

"What is "It"?" asked Meg.

"I just told you what "It" was!"

"No you just told us to see "It"" said Chris.

"So why aren't you?" asked Zack.

"Because we want to know what "It" is," said Meg.

"I'm not giving away anything!" said Zack, "You have to see "It" to believe it!"

"I AM SO CONFUSED!" shouted Chris, "JUST WHAT IS "IT"!!!"

""It"?" asked Brian as he walked by, "Oh it's a movie based on a novel by Stephen King about a killer clown."

"Oooh, _that_ "It," said Meg.

"That clears things up, now," said Chris.

"Well, I'm going home, now," said Jillian, "Goodbye everyone except Chris!"

"Oh burn in hell already!" shouted Chris as Jillian left the house.

On her way to her car she was stopped by Herbert.

"Herbert! W-what do you want?" asked Jillian.

"Now what did I tell you about coming too close to my man?" asked Herbert.

"I don't know what you're talking about," lied Jillian.

"You don't?!? Oh, okay then. You just run along, now," said Herbert, "Sorry for wasting your time."

Jillian then walked a little bit towards her car and then ran the rest of the way. The next day, Chris is trying to enjoy his breakfast but can't because something's on his mind. Then Peter comes in.

"Why the long face, Chris?" he asks, "You scored with an older chick! That makes you _the_ man!"

"I know, but... I have this friend, see," said Chris, "He and this girl got trapped and needed to have sex to survive."

"Wait, I need names, Chris," said Peter.

"Okay... my friend's name is... Chris... uh... Griffin," said Chris, "And the girl is... ummmmm... Jillian!"

"Whoa!!!" said Peter, "I have never heard of those people before in my life! Go on!"

"Well, he accidentally gets her pregnant. Dad, what should I do?"

"Well, Chris, if I was your friend Chris, I'd am scray far far away for this Jillian girl!"

"But the thing is I, er, I mean, Chris wants to keep the baby, but Jillian doesn't."

"Huh... maybe Chris should try convincing Jillian to keep the baby," said Peter.

"Thanks, dad," said Chris.

"Oh, Chris! Tell your friend Chris good luck," said Peter as he left the room.

"Peter, what were you and Chris talking about?" asked Lois.

"You won't believe it but Chris has this friend named Chris Griffin who got this girl named Jillian knocked up," said Peter.

"A friend named Chris Griffin? Who knocks up Jill- WHAT THE HOLY F?!?!?" shouted Lois angrily.

"...Ooooooooh, now I get it!" chuckled Peter.

Upstairs in Chris's room, Lois and Peter are having a little talk with him.

"What the hell were you thinking?!?!?" shouted Lois, "I mean, you're only 14 and she's a full fledged adult!"

"I was thinking about sex," said Chris, "And surviving."

"Chris, you're too young to be having sex!" said Lois.

"Says the red haired bi-sexual who had sex with my mother when she was 14," said Zack as he entered the room, "Yeah, she told me."

"You stay out of this," said Lois, "And my sex life is none of your business."

"Apparently MINE is yours!" said Zack as he left, "I found your little hole in the wall. You won't be getting anymore free shows from us."

"You son of a-" said Lois angrily as she tried to get Zack but Peter grabbed her arm.

"Lois, we're talking about Chris, remember?" asked Peter, "Now Chris I want you to do the most responsible thing a man must do in a situation like this... You tell Jillian you're going to get a pack of cigerettes and when you leave the door you run like hell! You run and you don't look back! You don't care where the hell you're going as long as it's away from her and that baby!"

"Peter, no!" said Lois, "You will help her take care of the baby, but you can't tell anyone you're the father. The money you make from your paper route will be used for the baby."

"What?!?! But I use that money for important stuff!"

**Flashback.**

Chris cuts up a few $100 bills to make paper dolls. He then claps and laughs. Also around his room are money paper airplanes and money paper hats.

"Better go to the john," said Chris as he took a roll of money toilet paper.

**Flashback.**

"Chris, caring for a baby is much more important," said Lois, "Jillian needs support, Chris, and since you're the father, you need take responsibility."

"I guess so," said Chris.

"Yes, OR..." said Peter, "You can pretend to get a pack of cigarettes and..."

"Enough with the deadbeat dad parenting skills!" said Lois.

Later, Chris is doing his paper route, when he stops by old man Herbert's house like usual.

"Well, looks the musclely armed paperboys back," said Herbert, "So, you still like popsicles?"

"Sorry, Mr. Herbert. I don't have time to talk," said Chris, "I need to get my route finished so I can talk to Jillian as soon as possible."

"J-Jillian? That hussy?" asked Herbert bitterly, "Why do you wanna see that girl anyway? She's much too old for you."

"I'm sorry, but it's pretty important," said Chris, "And I can't tell anyone. Well, see you tommorrow."

"You get your fatass back here!" he said angrily as he crushed his newspaper.

Later at Jillian's place, she in bed looking very depressed. She had not moved from her spot since last night. She felt hopeless. No man would want her now, since she's bound to be a single mother and she also didn't want to be fat. She was also afraid of giving birth to an elephant, like Lois did. Then she heard a knock on her door. Jillian slowly got up from her spot, put on a robe and walked to her door and she then looked through her eye hole. She saw the last person she wanted to see... Adam West. Jillian then opened her door.

"Jillian! I made a mistake!" he said, "I want you ba-"

She then slammed the door. There was a knock again. She looked through the eye hole to see the second-to-last person she wanted to see. Yes, it's Chris this time.

"GO AWAY!!!" she shouted.

"Jillian, I just want to talk!" said Chris.

"Oh, so you can get me in bed again, and make me have twins?!?!" asked Jillian.

"...uh... I don't think that's how it works," said Chris, "Jillian, just listen to me!"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"

Chris was then about to leave, until he then got an idea.

"Jillian!" he said as he then covered his nose, "This is Bill ummmm Humperdinkle!"

"Bill ummmm Humperdinkle?!? Is that you???" asked Jillian as she quickly opened the door which gave Chris enough to dash into her apartment, "Hey!!! You tricked me!"

"I'm sorry, but I really needed to talk to you!" said Chris, "Jillian, listen to me. You can't get the abortion!"

"Don't worry, I wont," said Jillian.

"Really? So you realised that it was wrong?"

"No. I want the baby to be a constant reminder of why my life is so fed up now!"

"Ouch. Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I want to help raise the baby," said Chris, "It's my fault you're pregnant, now, and I want to make it up to you by doing something most males wouldn't do in a situation like this. I'm giving you child support money from my paper route."

"Chris... that is so sweet of you," said Jillian, "But you don't have too."

"But I want to," said Chris, "I know I'm only 14, but I really want the best for my kid. I'm sure you'll make a great mother."

"Thank you, Chris," said Jillian, "I'm sorry I blamed you for all this. We should've been more aware of the consequences at the old cabin."

"I suppose we should have," said Chris, "So since the baby's mine... does that mean-?"

"No, we are NOT a couple," she said.

"I see..." said Chris as he turned around sadly, "Well, see ya later."

Chris was then about to walk out the door.

"Chris, wait," said Jillian, "Do you wanna stay here for a while, and watch a movie? You know, as friends?"

"Okay, I guess," said Chris, "So what are we watching?"

""It"" she said.

"What's "It"?"

"You know. "It"."

"No I don't know anything about "It"?"

"Let's just watch "It". Then you'll know what "It" is."

"So... is "It" good?" asked Chris as he sat on the sofa with Jillian as she laughed.

"You know Chris, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship," she said as she turned on the TV.

**End Chapter. **


	24. Cheating Death

**Chapter 34: Cheating Death Once More**

For Zack, life was good. For one thing, he had Meg. He was also blessed with a beautiful daughter, and had a good home with the Griffins who he considered his second family. To him, life was perfect. But then, one day...

There was a knock in the front door, and when Lois goes to answer it she sees Death standing on their frontstep.

"Oh, Death, what a surprise!" said Lois, "Is someone dying?"

"What? Can't I come over just to say hello or something?" asked Death, "Why is it that everytime I come by someone's house, they think I'm there to kill someone? What makes them think I just don't want to be casual?"

"I'm sorry," said Lois, "It's just that, you're... well, Death."

"Is someone at the door?" asked Meg.

"Yeah, I wanna know who-" said Zack before being frozen in fear, "OH NO!!!"

"Wha- YOU!!!" shouted Death as he pointed to Zack, "You're not getting away this time!"

"Protect me!" shouts Zack as he hides behind Lois using her as a shield.

"What the hell?!? AAHHH!!! Cut it out!!!" shouts Lois as she keeps narrowly avoidings Death's touches.

"Death, what are you doing?!?!" asked Meg.

"My job!" said Death, "This punk has been cheating me for the past 3 years!"

"You've been cheating Death?" asked Meg.

"I'd prefer to use the term 'Not playing by the rules' of Death," said Zack.

"What's going on, here?" asked Peter as he and Chris walked into the living room, "Oh, hi, Death. What're you doing here? Is... is somebody gonna die?"

"What is it with you people thinking that everytime I show up, somebody has to die?" asked Death irritated, "How do you know I'm not here to say hi, or to stop over for dinner?"

"So... are you stopping by for dinner?" asked Peter.

"Hell no! I'm here to finally get that punk, Zack for- Hey, where'd he go?!?!?" shouted Death as he saw that Zack was no longer hiding behind Lois, "Dammit! He ALWAYS does this! I turn my back for one second and he runs off into hiding. You know where he lives?"

"Not a clue," said Meg.

"Yes, if we knew where he lived we'd tell you, but unfortunateley, we don't-" said Lois.

"What do you mean we don't know where he lives?" interrupted Peter, "Geez, you women are so stupid! He's been living right here with us for a while."

"PETER!!!" shouted Lois.

"Oh, this is so delicious!" said Death, "Okay, okay! When he runs through that door, I'll grab him."

"Hey Death," said Chris, "Just why do you want to kill Zack so badly, anyway?"

"You really wanna know why?" he asked Death, "Well, I'll tell you..."

**Flashback 3 years ago...**

It's Zack's first day at 7-11 and he's sitting at the counter bored. Then a man comes into the store. This man just so happens to be the gunman that wanted to kill Chris in the "To Live & Die in Dixie" episode, and from the episode where Meg kissed Neil Goldman.

"Yes, can I help you?" asked Zack.

"Yeah, this is a hold up!" he said as he pointed his gun, "You open the cash register nice and slow and don't try any funny stuff!"

"You mean like _this_?" said Zack as he slapped his causing the gun to fly off. Zack then caught the gun and pointed it at him, "Aha! Now the tables have turned."

As Zack pulled the trigger, the bullet flew out... from the other side wounding Zack in the face.

"OH GOD!!!! MISFIRE!!!!" He shouted.

"Whoa! That could've been me! Hey, thanks kid," the thug said as he jumped to the other side of counter to try to get the money from the register but it won't open, "Hey, how do you open this thing?"

"Just... make a transaction... and it... will... pop... open..." he said as he was dying.

"How do I do that?" he asked.

"Just, scan something... and then... press the... 'transaction complete' key..."

"Oh, there we go! Thanks!" he said as he got away.

"You're... welcome..." said Zack as he then laid there motionless. Then from the door emerged Death in all his awesome dead glory.

"Well, well, Zack Murdock. You're right on time. Now to reap his soul before- AAAHHH!!!" he shouted as he slipped on leaked slurpee from the slurpee machine and fell breaking his back, "OH CHRIST, THAT HURTS!!! I WISH YOU LAZY CLERKS WOULD CLEAN UP THESE MESSES."

Zack then began to regain consciousness.

"I'm... still alive!" he said as he then looked at Death trying to get up. He then high tailed it out of the store.

"Hey, hey! Get back here! You can't run from Death forever!!!"

**1 year later...**

Zack is leaving the ice cream shop when Death spots him.

"AHA! Now I've gotcha!" he said as he raised his scythe.

"Hey, look! It's Bob Barker, and he's taunting you about how you haven't caught up to him yet!" said Zack pointing.

"Bob Barker??? Oh this is gonna be sweet! I- hey, that's not Bob Barker! That's just a pile of underwear!" Death said as he turned around to see that in Zack's place was an ice cream cone in mid-air that then plopped to the ground, "Son of a bitch, he's fast!"

**1 year later...**

Zack is with Meg at that romantic movie they saw in Chapter 7.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom," said Zack as he left. He then entered the bathroom and began to use the stall. He turned around to see Death using the stall next to his, "Uh oh!"

"What the hell you lookin' at you perv- wait a minute! it's you!" he said, "Haha! Now I've gotcha this time! Just as soon as I'm done!"

Zack was done first, and then got the hell out of that bathroom as fast as his feet could take him.

"Hey! That's not fair! You stopped peeing before me!" said Death, "I had 5 Moutain Dews before I got here! Ew, and you didn't even wash your hands! Get back in here and wash 'em... if you dare!"

**End Flashbacks **

"And that's why I must get him," he said.

"You can't take him from me!" said Meg, "We love each other!"

"Wait a minute, he loves _you_?" he asked, "_You_? Hey, that's pretty funny! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"Well, he-"

"Wait, I'm not done yet. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"We-"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

"... Well he-"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Well he-"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

"..."

"..."

"...Well he does! We're even raising a baby together," said Meg.

"You had a baby? Let me see her!" said Death as Meg got Maddie from the other room, "OH! She's so adorable! Let me hold her!" everyone in the room glared at him, "Oh don't give me that look!"

Zack then finally comes back into the house through the back.

"Yes! I did it again!" said Zack triumphantly, "That's Zack- 4 Death- 0!"

"Uh, you might wanna change the scoreboard," said Brian.

"Why? That slowpoke, Death will never catch me! He doesn't even know where I live!"

"Zack! Death is still here!" said Lois is fear.

Zack then slowly turned around to see that Death was indeed still there. Zack began shaking a bit and then screamed like a girl. A very girlish scream similar to that of Jack Spicer's from Xiaolin Showdown. He then ran without thinking and ran smackdab into a wall where he fell unconscious.

"Okay, he's dead," said Meg, "You can go now."

"Nice try!" said Death, "He's unconscious. What, you think I'm stupid?"

"Oh, really?" asked Peter, "If he's unconscious, could I have buttsecks with him without him screaming?"

"Dad, don't!" said Meg.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" shouted Zack as he woke up grabbing onto his ass before Peter could do anything.

"Okay, Zack, let's go," said Death.

"You can't do this!" said Zack, "I'm still only 20! There's gotta be another way."

"Okay, how about this," said Death, "I'll let you live... but your wife and daughter have to go in your place."

"Deal!" said Peter.

"Score!" said Death, "Say hello to the new Death family!"

"What?!?! NO!!" said Meg in fear.

"No way!" said Zack, "If it were me or the family, I'd choose the family. But since it's MY family, I can't do it."

"Zack does this mean..." said Meg

"That's right," said Zack, "I'm not running, anymore! I'm going with Death."

"Zack, no!" said Lois, "There has to be another way!"

"You can't leave me!" said Meg, "I want to come with you."

"What? And leave Maddie with THEM?!?!" said Zack pointing to Lois and Peter, "I mean, just look at how messed up YOU turned out. Somebody normal needs to take care of her."

"Then I guess this is... goodbye," said Meg as she started to cry.

"Meg, don't cry," said Zack as he wiped a tear from her eye, "You know, I'll miss all of you. Lois, I'll miss your red hair and wild kinkiness. Chris, I'll miss you, and your drawings, and I'll never see my nephew or neice be born. Brian, I'll miss you and your witty sarcasm. Tell Stewie I'll miss him and his intelligence. And Peter, I'll miss you most of all. I'll miss you, your stupidity and the fact that you somehow seem to get naked alot."

"Gee, I never knew you felt that way," said Peter sadly as he hugged Zack, "I'll miss you too."

Then a record scratching sound could be heard.

"Wait a minute! No I won't! I'll miss you the least!" said Zack as he shoved Peter away, "But I'll still miss you."

Suddenly, Jillian came through the door. To her surprise she saw that everyone looked sad.

"Why's everybody so sad?" she asked.

"Zack's... going away," cried Lois.

"Really?" she asked, "Oh. Okay, have fun."

"No, I'm going to die," said Zack.

"Okay, bring me back a T-shirt from this 'Die' place then," said Jillian.

"No, I'm going to the afterlife."

"The afterlife? Sounds cool. Don't forget to take pictures."

"No Jillian, I won't be coming back."

"Really? Is it that good?"

"Jillian, I'm going to be dead."

"..."

"It's like being asleep, only you can never wake up."

"..."

"You know, like when our cat got ran over when we were kids?"

"...Oh my god!" she said, "I left the oven on at my apartment!"

She then ran back outside to her car and drove off.

"She's your sister?" asked Death.

"Yeah."

"So... is she available?" Death asked.

"She's pregnant," said Chris.

"WHOA!!! Forget I asked, then!" he said.

"Meg," said Zack, "When Maddie grows up and asks what happened to me, tell her I died while saving the universe and I was the real Captain America."

"Zack, I can't lie to her."

"Just do it!" said Zack.

"I'll always love you," said Meg as she hugged him.

"Oh, geez, I hate these sad moments," said Death, "SO HURRY THE HELL UP ALREADY!!!"

"Fine, fine!" said Zack, "Well, goodbye, Griffins."

With that, Zack gave Meg his wool cap and left the house with Death never to return.

"I can't believe he's gone," cried Meg, "My love. The inspiration of my life. WHY COULDN'T IT HAD BEEN ME???"

"WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN MEG?!?!?" cried Peter.

"And I never got to have sex with him!" said Lois as everyone stared at her, "I mean... play chess with him."

"You're better off not playing chess against him," said Meg.

**Flashback **

Zack and Meg are playing chess.

"King me," he said.

"We're playing chess."

"4 in a row!"

"We're playing CHESS!"

"Go fish?"

"WE'RE PLAYING CHESS!!!"

Zack then throws the chessboard on the ground and stomps on the pieces. He then shoots them of with his shotgun.

"THERE!!! NOW NO ONE IS PLAYING CHESS!" he shouts, "You wanna play connect four?"

"No!"

**End Flashback.**

"Now all we have left of him is his wool cap," said Peter as he cried some more and then blew his nose on it.

"And now we don't," said Brian.

"I already miss him," cried Chris.

"Now Madeline has no male role model to look up to," said Meg.

"Hello! What about us?" said Peter as he pointed to himself and Chris.

"... Now Madeline has no male role model to look up to," she said.

Everyone then got together and cried their hearts out at the loss of someone who had just become family. Then Death came back through the door.

"Oh what do you want now?" said Lois bitterly.

"Sorry, I forgot something," said Death.

"Meg?" asked Peter.

"No, Zack wanted me to tell you one last thing before he leaves for good," he said, "SUCKERS!!!"

"What?" asked Meg.

"That's right!" laughed Zack as he walked back into the room, "I wasn't really going to die!"

"Yeah, it was all an elaborate joke that tampers with your emotions!" laughed Death, "The way you guys were all going WAH!!! WAH!!! Oh Zack is gone! OH WAH!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!! Priceless. I never had a vendetta against him."

"Hey, look, they're still shaking," said Zack, "Yeah, I scared you guys good. Perfect for around Halloween!"

Everyone then laughed nervously and uncomfortably. Except Meg who was in total shock.

"Yeah, that was pretty good, right Meg?" asked Zack, "Meg?"

Meg then snapped out of her shock, tackled Zack and began to beat the holy crap out of him.

"YOU F(bleep)ING SON OF A BITCH!!! WHAT THE F(bleep) IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!? SCARING US HALF TO DEATH A MAKING US CRY LIKE THAT?!?!? I'LL F(bleep)ING KILL YOU FOR REAL!!!"

Everyone else then began to join in the fight kicking Zack's ass.

"STOP!!! OW!!!" shouted Zack, "DEATH!!! HELP!!!"

"Why?" he asked as he pulled up a chair and got some popcorn.

3 days later, everyone had finally forgiven Zack for his little prank. Except Meg of course. That morning, Zack came into the kitchen with his crutches and casts.

"Meg, I'm really sorry," said Zack, "I wanted you to be in on the prank, but Death said it would be funnier if you were left out in the dark like everyone else," Zack then thought for a moment and slapped his forehead realising he had been tricked, "Of course!"

"I'm still mad at you," she said, "That was just too scary. I mean, I thought I was going to lose you. I don't know if I can look at you the same way again."

"Meg, you should forgive him," said Peter, "It's not like he pulled a prank that involved him faking his own death."

"That's what he did," said Lois.

"Oh. Well, then you're screwed," said Peter.

"I'll forgive you if you answer this one question," said Meg, "Would you have really wanted to sacrifice yourself so that Maddie and I wouldn't die."

"We all know the answer to that one, Meg," said Peter, "No."

"Actually, it was yes," said Zack.

"Everyone except me, then," said Peter.

"And me," said Chris.

"And me," said Lois.

"I knew," said Stewie. Everyone just looked at him, "What? Zack is a very selfless man. He's more human than we'll ever be."

"Then I forgive you," said Meg as she hugged him, "But seriously, if you try something like that again I will kill you slowly."

"Deal," said Zack, "Anyway, I'm starved. What's for breakfast?"

Suddenly, Jillian bursted through the kitchen door.

"OH MY GOD!!! ZACK'S GOING TO DIE!!!" she screamed. She then began sobbing, "IT ISN'T FAIR!!! WHY DOES HE HAVE TO DIE?!?!?"

"More pancakes, anyone?" asked Lois.

**End Chapter.**


	25. The Boogeyman

**Chapter: 25: The Boogeyman**

**(A/N: From this chapter forward, Maddie can now talk to the grownups. Also consider this chapter an early contribution to Halloween.)**

It was rainy night in Spooner Street as thunder and lighting occasionally boomed. Everyone in the Griffin household were somehow sleeping right through it... everyone except poor little Madeline. She was scared of lighting. The way it would flash and boom without warning had frightened her even more then the time Peter dressed up Lois's lengerie. Oh god, that was scary. In fact that's so scary, I'm not even gonna make a flashback about it. She stared up at the ceiling hoping it would go away, but it boomed once again causing her to hide under her sheets. She clutched onto her stuffed cat as she shook in fright. She then heard a whisper.

"Madeline..." it said in an eerie tone.

"W-who's t-there?" she stuttered.

"Madeline...," it whispered again, "I'm going to get you... I'm going to grab you and eat you..."

Madeline then let out a scream that woke the entire house.

"That sounded like Maddie!" said Lois worried as she got up to check on her.

"Oh jeez, it's finally happened," said Peter, "Zack's become a child molester!"

"Hey, shut up," said Zack from the other room.

Lois then ran to Maddie and Stewie's room and found little Madeline still under her covers scared half to death. Lois then picked the poor baby up and craddled her.

"It's okay, Maddie," said Lois, "What's wrong?"

"Grandma! I heard a voice," she said, "It said it was going to get me, and eat me!"

"Oh, Maddie. It was probably just you imagination," said Lois as she put her back in her crib, "There are no such things as monsters. They're just made up like dragons and Jean Claude Van Damme. You just go to sleep."

Lois then left the room and closed the door, leaving Maddie with sounds of thunder and lighting.

"Stewie!" whispered Maddie, "Wake up! I'm scared! Stewie?"

"Huh?... Oh no thanks, Rodney," Stewie murmered in his sleep, "I'll just keep watching you work those muscles and sweat... Yes, those abs look totally hot."

"Eww..." she said as she laid back down on her crib.

"Madeline..." whispered the creepy voice again as the thunder clapped, "If you go to sleep, I will eat you..."

"Wh-wh-who are you?" she stuttered.

"I'm the boogeyman..." it said, "And I'm going to GET YOU!!!"

A Black claw then grabbed the side of her crib only inces away from her. She screamed again and frantically climbed out of her crib. She then ran out of the room, almost slipping on the hardwood floor until she reached Meg and Zack's room. She then jumped onto Zack's crotch rather hard causing him to scream. Meg then woke up and saw Maddie on Zack's lap panting heavily.

"Maddie?" she asked, "Why are you out of your crib?"

"THE BOOGEYMAN!!!" she scramed while crying frantically, "HE'S GOING TO GET ME!!!"

"The Boogeyman doesn't exist, honey," said Meg, "It's just an old folktale, right Zack?"

"I'd say something, but I'm hurting like hell right now," said Zack in a squeeky, effeminate voice, "Oh and I don't think I'll be able to 'perform' tonight, Meg."

"Let's just put you back in you're crib, okay?" said Meg as she carried her back to her room.

"No! He'll get me!!!" she cried as she tried top get out of Meg's grip. Meg finally got back to the room and put Maddie in her crib, again, "Don't leave me! He'll get me!!!"

"I'll prove he doesn't exist by looking under your crib," Meg said.

"NO, mommy! He'll eat you!" she said.

Meg then bent down, looked under the crib and found that there was nothing there.

"See?" she said, "No Boogeyman. You just go to sleep."

Meg then turned off the lights and closed the door once again.

"I'm going to get you," said the boogeyman once more.

"No!" she said to herself, "Mom said you're not real!"

"Oh yeah?" he challenged, "Well... your mom's a bitch!"

"What?"

"You heard me. She's a bitch. A big fat bitch!"

"You take that back!"

"Oh yeah? Come here and make me!"

"Fine I- wait a minute! Nice try! I'm not going down there!"

"Okay, then I'm coming up THERE!"

The Boogeyman's claw came back up and Maddie shrieked again. Brian then ran into the room and turned out the lights.

"Maddie, what's wrong, this time?" he asked, "Is it the 'Boogeyman' again?"

"Brian, I'm scared!" she said, "Can you sleep here with me?"

"Sure thing, pumpkin," said Brian, "I'll make make sure the big bad Boogeyman can't get you."

"What the hell?" asked Stewie as he woke up, "You wouldn't sleep with me when I told you that Micheal Jackson was hiding in my closet!"

"Yeah, right!" said Brian, "The second I fall to sleep you'll have your way with me! Besides, Micheal Jackson is NOT hiding in your closet!"

"That's right! Now go to sleep already, little boy!" said Micheal Jackson from the closet.

"Stewie, shut up!" said Brian.

"THAT WASN'T ME!!!" shouted Stewie, "IT WAS MICHEAL JACKSON, I TELL YOU!!!"

"Whatever, good night," said Brian as he turned off the light and got into the crib with Maddie.

"That's right, you go to sleep," said Micheal Jackson, "I'm gonna get you, but not the little girl, though. I only like little boys. Then your ass is gonna be sore!"

"SHUT UP!!! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!! LALALALALALALALA!!!!" shouted Stewie as he covered his ears.

"Stewie, I thought I told you to shut up!" said Brian.

"He's been doing this for 3 nights straight," said Maddie, "Just ignore him. I know I do."

They laid there in the crib for about 4 minutes.

"Maddie, I know you're scared but your hands are cold," said Brian, "Take them off me."

"Huh... No, I've been sleeping," said Maddie, "I actually feel safer with you here."

"Wait, this isn't your hand?" asked Brian as he felt it clamp on to him, "OH MY GOD!!!"

Brian then grabbed Maddie, jumped out of the crib, grabbed Stewie and ran to Peter and Lois's room.

"Brian?" asked Lois, "What's wrong?"

"BOOOOOGEYMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!" he screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Ah jeez, Brian. Not you too!" said Peter as he got up from his bed.

"No, Maddie was right! There really IS a Boogeyman," said Brian, "It tried to grab me!"

"The Boogeyman's real?" asked Chris as he Meg and Zack entered the room.

"No he is not," said Peter, "I'll show you!"

Everyone then followed Peter into the babies' room.

"Peter, you don't want to mess around," said Brian, "This is the Boogeyman, for God's sake."

"Brian, there is no such thing as the Boogeyman, see!" said Peter as he lifted the crib to reveal nothing.

"I-I don't understand," said Brian, "I saw his hand!"

"Me too!" said Maddie.

"Ah, you're both just being stupid," said Peter, "It's just an old folktale like. Monsters like the Boogeyman, Freddy Krueger, Jason, and Paris Hilton are all made up. Now let's just all go to sleep and have nice dreams about oh crap he's real!"

To their horror, the Boogeyman was indeed standing right behind Peter. He towered over him at 7 feet. He was completely pitch black man-like creature with razor sharp claws, glowing red eyes, and sharp fangs. He then took a swipe at Peter which left 3 rips on his tanktop. Everybody then screamed and ran out the room locking the door.

"What the hell was that thing?!?!?" asked Meg in horror.

"BOOOOOGEYMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!" screamed Brian once again.

"Where did it come from?" asked Chris.

"Who cares where it came from!" said Zack, "Just how the hell do we get rid of that thing?!?!?"

"Peter, what do we do?" asked Lois.

"The best to do is to ignore it and hope it goes away," said Peter, "Just like we do with the _other_ squid."

Suddenly, Squidward walks into the hallway wearing a robe.

"Will you people keep it down?" he asked in annoyance, "Some of us are trying to sleep! God, you people are worse than Spongebob and Patrick!"

"Hold on a minute," said Zack, "...Squidward's NOT a squid. He's an octopus."

"Finally!" Squidward said, "Now I can go back home to bikini bottom."

Squidward then left the house.

"Okay, that solves one problem. Now, how the hell do we get rid of the Boogeyman," asked Peter.

"Leave it to me!" said Zack as he grabbed a burlap sack and charged into the room closing it behind him. Crashing, bumping, and other loud noises could be heard from outside of the room as Zack combated the monster, "I got him!" he shouted. Everyone then went into the room and saw Zack beating up the stuggling sack.

"Now let's see this monster _really_ is!" said Peter.

Peter then removed the sack and revealed the thing under the sack to be Old Man Herbert.

"Mr. Herbert?" asked everyone in Scooby Doo fashion.

"Can I hit him some more?" asked Zack.

"What are you doing here?" asked Lois.

"I came here to see the little football headed boy," said Herbert, "I heard talk about the Boogeyman so I snuck into your house to snatch, er, I mean protect him."

"That's very nice of you, Mr. Herbert," said Lois.

"Wait, you're not the Boogeyman?" asked Peter, "Then where...?"

Everyone then turned to see a shadowy figure escape the door. The Boogeyman was now loose in the house.

"That thing's loose in the house!" said Meg, "Now what do we do?"

"I remember in this one monster movie that they had to sacrifice someone to the monster to make it go away," said Chris.

"Meg," said Peter.

Zack then quickly slapped Peter in the back of his head.

"Oh, that's your solution to everything!" said Zack, "What we need is somebody who can take out this monster," said Zack as he looked at a flashlight, "And I think I know just who."

Zack then took the flashlight and a marker. He then wrote something on it, opened the window and flashed the light outside. It was the Batman signal.

"Is he calling who I think it is?" asked Meg.

"Wait for it..." said Zack.

Suddenly, the window downstairs shatters and up comes the one and only Adam West!

"I saw the Bat signal from my house," said Adam, "I hope you have a good reason for interrupting me and my taffy," he added as he put a piece of taffy into his mouth and slowly chewed on it, "Mmmmmmmmmmmmm..."

"Oh I am so sorry, Mayor West," said Lois, "But my son-in-law thought it was appropriate to call you for our monster problems."

"Monsters you say?" he asked.

"Yeah, the Boogeyman's was in my daughter's room," said Zack, "It scared her half to death."

"Frightening a little girl?!?! That's unheard of!" he said as Madeline walked up to him.

"Mr. West," she said, "Did you really beat up Joker and all the other bad guys?"

"Did I?" he asked, "What's you're name, little girl and how old are you?"

"My name is Maddie and I'm almost a year old," she said.

"I sure did, Maddie," he said as he pat her head.

"The Boogeyman is very scary," said Maddie, "Can you get rid of him?"

"Don't worry, Linda," said Adam, "I'll get rid of that diabolical monster, but I'll need some backup. I'll need the fat guy, the blonde guy, and the fat kid."

"You need me, Zack, and Meg?" asked Peter.

"Not her, the fatter kid," said Adam.

"Meg?"

"No, the boy," said Adam, "Just how is she fatter?"

"Cause she's a girl."

"Blonde guy, please smack him for me," said Adam as Zack backhanded Peter, "Thank you. Now, I want the women and children to get out of the house and to a safer place."

"And I know the safest place for 2 women like Meg and Lois to be at for hours with their children," said Peter, "Quagmire's house!"

Everyone just stared at him while crickets chirped.

"...No," said Zack, "You guys go to Jillian's apartment since I know the number. Don't come back until I call."

"Jillian's place?" asked Herbert, "Well alright! Time to kick me some hussy ass!"

"Not you, old man!" said Zack as he threw Herbert out the window.

"OWWWW!!! MY HIP!!!" he shouted as he landed.

"Zack, you be careful," said Meg as she hugged him.

"You all be careful," said Lois as she hugged Peter and Chris.

"Daddy, please be safe," said Maddie.

"Don't worry, Tina," said Adam West, "I'll make sure your dad is okay. I promise, Tyler."

"Maddie."

"Whatever."

Hours after the others left, everyone split up into the house in search of the Boogeyman. Chris and Brian were in the basement, Adam West was downstairs, and Zack and Peter was in Zack's old room in the attic.

"This is Batman to Blonde Guy," said Adam West on the walky talky, "Can you read me, Blonde Guy."

"This is Blonde Guy," said Zack, "Did you find anything?"

"I'm real close," said Adam West, "I can feel it."

"Really? What did you find?"

"I found some _very_ important clues. A paper clip, a waterbottle, and this stick!"

"...and that's gonna help us find the Boogeyman?"

"Of course! He won't get too far without these important items of his. He needs these for some reason and he'll come back for them."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure thing."

"What are you smoking and can I have some?"

"Hey, Adam West!" said Peter, "Guess who I am?"

"Super Mario? Is that you?" he asked.

"No! I'm Peter Griffin!" he asked, "That fat guy."

"Are you sure you're not Mario?" he asked.

"No, I'm Peter Griffin," said Peter.

"Blonde guy, please smack him for me," said Adam West as Zack backhanded Peter again, "Thank you."

Adam then turned off his walky talky leaving Zack and Peter in the dark attic.

"Peter, will you stop breathing on me?" asked Zack in annoyance, "You're warm breath is very annoying and for God's sake, use a breathmint once in a while!"

"Oh, I am so sorry," said Peter, "Oh what, does your breath smell like clean cut spring flowers flowing across a babbling brook with a hint of lemon? Besides, I'm in front of you!"

"You are???" asked Zack as he turned around to see the Boogeyman drooling over him.

"HOLY CRAP!!!" said Peter.

"Okay, first of all, to answer your question, no it smells like a nice mix between mint and honeydew. Second, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

Peter and Zack then ran out of the attic with the Boogeyman in close pursuit. They then ran into Stewie's room where they were cornered by the monster.

"Now I'm gonna getcha!" said the Boogeyman.

"Peter, I know it may not seem like it sometimes, but I've always kinda liked you!" said Zack.

"Zack, I must tell you something before we get mauled and eaten," said Peter, "I fart in your cereal when you're not looking!"

"WHAT?!?!? I'LL KILL YOU!!!" shouted Zack as he began strangling Peter, "MAKE ME EAT FART WILL YA?!?!?"

"Hold it right there, Boogeyman!" said Adam West as he entered the room, "I made a promise to Mikey that her father would be okay and I intend to keep that promise!"

"Adam West!" said Peter.

"You're too late, fool!" said the Boogeyman, "They're MINE!"

"Oh really?" said Adam West, "Then you won't be needing THESE then, will you?"

Adam West then pulled out his a paper clip, a waterbottle, and a stick.

"My very important items!" he said, "I NEED those for some reason!!! Give them back!"

"...You've gotta be Sh(bleep)ting me!" said Zack.

The Boogeyman then jumped towards Adam West who then delivered a roundhouse kick to him which in turned sent him flying into the closet.

"Quick!" said Adam West, "Lock the closet!"

Peter then locked the closet to keep the Boogeyman from escaping.

"Hello, there handsome," said Micheal Jackson from the closet, "You wanna play, Micheal Jackson?"

"What the hell? Get away!" shouted the Boogeyman, "Don't you dare buttrape me! No! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Then a flash of light came from within the closet and as Zack opened it, both the Boogeyman and Micheal Jackson were gone. Brian and Chris then came into the room.

"BOOOOOGEYMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!" screamed Brian once again.

"He's dead now, Brian," said Peter, "You can stop doing that."

"Okay," he said.

Later on, the rest of the family returned to the house to thank Adam West.

"Thank you again for getting rid of the Boogeyman and Micheal Jackson, Mr. West," said Lois.

"See," said Stewie to Maddie and Brian, "I told you he was real! I told you he was in my closet!"

"And didn't we tell you to shut up already?" asked Maddie, "You said 'I told you so' about a thousand times."

"Yeah, don't make us tell you about his brother," said Brian.

"'I told you so' has a brother?" Stewie asked.

"Yes, his name is 'Shut the Hell up!'" they both said in unison.

"Yes, well I suppose I walked into that one," said Stewie.

"Anyway, it was my pleasure, Lois," said Adam West, "Now, little Bobby can sleep easy without any monsters under her bed."

"Say, thank you to Mr. West," said Meg.

"Thank you, Mr. West," said Maddie.

"You're welcome, Janet," said Adam.

"It's Maddie."

"Scott."

"Dumbass..." she murmered under her breath.

"Now I'm off to go home and fight the monster inside my refrigerator who keeps turning off the lightbulb when I close it," said Adam as walked off.

"There goes the greatest man who ever lived," said Peter.

"You said it, Peter," said Zack as they watched Adam West walked down the street.

"Holy smokes! The moon moves when I do!" said Adam West as he began running, "You vile stalker, Mr. Moon! You'll never catch me! NEVER!!!"

"You know what? Never mind," said Zack.

_**Happy Halloween to everyone at Chapter. **_


	26. Picnic At the Park

**Chapter 26: Picnic At The Park**

The Griffin family and the Murdocks decided to have nice day out of the house and have a picnic in the park. It was such a nice fall afternoon. The leaves had turned all kinds of color. Red, yellow, orange, and you would sometimes find occasional green leaves on the ground with brown stuff on it and they would smell funny as if a hobo would use them for... Wait, never mind. Lois and Jillian were setting up the picnic table, Peter and Chris were playing football, Stewie and Maddie were in the sandbox, Brian was behind some tree doing his business, and Zack and Meg were under a shadey tree. Zack was lying beside Meg while strumming his guitar.

"I love this time of year," said Meg, "Just look at all the colors of nature."

"I know," said Zack, "Anyway, I wrote a song about you. It goes a little something like this..."

Zack then began to play a few notes but was interrupted by a flying football that hit Zack in the face and broke his guitar.

"OW! Son of a bitch!" he said as he held onto his face.

"Zack, are you okay?" asked Meg.

"My guitar!!!" shouted Zack as he looked at his broken instrument and then at the football, "WHO'S FOOTBALL IS THIS?!?!?"

"Hey, you found my football," said Peter, "What happened to your guitar?"

"You busted it with your damn football!" said Zack angrily, "I was about to sing a song about Meg!"

"Really? A song about Meg? Heheh! Wow, looks like we just dodged a _very_ boring bullet, Chris," said Peter, "Can we have our ball back?"

"Sure, Peter," said Zack, "Just go long. I'll throw it to you."

Peter then ran a few yards away.

"Is this long enough?" he shouted from afar.

"Further!"

"How about now?"

"Keep going!"

"How about now?" asked Peter as he was far away getting closer to heavy traffic.

"Perfect," said Zack as he then popped the football, "Now go cry in a corner!"

"You popped my ball!" shouted Peter from afar, "I'm telling on you!"

Peter then ran off and cried to the picnic table like a toddler.

"So much for my song," said Zack.

"It's okay," said Meg, "You didn't have to write a song to show that you love me."

"I'm gonna be honest with you, Meg," said Zack, "I never wrote a song. I was gonna make it up as I went along."

"You didn't write a song about her? You're a phoney!" said that one annoying guy, "Hey, everybody! This guy's a phoney! PHONEY! PHO-"

The annoying man was then cut off when the Zack smashed the rest of his guitar on him.

"I'm sorry, but somebody had to do it," said Zack.

"I know," said Meg, "God, he was SO annoying."

Meanwhile at the picnic table, Jillian(who is now 3 months pregnant, btw) and Lois were setting things up.

"Today, I found out that I'm going to be having twins," said Jillian, "Which is wierd because Chris and I only did it once."

"Jillian... I don't think it works that way," said Lois.

"Oh, I'm pretty sure I know how child birth works more than you," said Jillian, "I mean, I have a young bright mind, while yours is getting old and crusty."

"Oh really?" asked Lois bitterly, "Then explain to me how child birth works. Enlighten my 'old and crusty' mind."

"Well, after 2 people have sex, a place far off in the sky known as the baby factory has this machine," said Jillian, "Now the machine would only activate if 2 people have sex at a certain time and without a condom. It would make a baby, but it takes 9 months to make it so it would take a very long time. When the baby is finally done being built, a stork then carries the baby to the hospital where the mother must go to pick it up. But, if you want an abortion, you go to this place and fill out paperwork. Then you wait 4 to 5 weeks and you'll get a letter saying that the child is cancelled. See? I know exactly how it works."

Lois just stared at Jillian for a moment.

"Jillian, that was the biggest pile of bullsh(bleep) I have ever heard," said Lois, "That isn't how it works at all!"

"Oh, yeah, then how do _you_ think it works?" asked Jillian.

"You know what?" asked Lois, "I think I'll let _you _find out for yourself. Boy, will you be in for a big surprise when it's time to go to the hospital."

"Okay," said Jillian, "But I know _I'm_ right."

Peter then runs to Lois crying.

"Lois! Lois!" he cried, "Zack killed Mr. Stitchy! My football!"

"Now that's not very nice," said Lois, "I'm gonna have a talk with him."

Lois then went up to Zack, who was making out with Meg at the moment. She then slapped him in the back of his head rather hard.

"OW!!! What was that for?" asked Zack irritated.

"You killed Mr. Stitchy!" Lois said, "I demand you to apologise to him!"

"Are you drunk?" asked Zack, "I mean, did you even hear what you just said? Mr. Stitchy?"

"That was the name of Peter's football," said Lois.

"So what does he call his basketball?" asked Zack, "A very large orange testicle?"

"..." Lois thought for a moment, "Actually, yes!"

"Well, he destroyed my guitar!" said Zack, "I refuse to apologise!"

"Zack, I really wish you and dad would try to get along," said Meg.

"No way," said Zack, "Don't you remember what happened the last time we tried to get along when we were on that game show?"

**Flashback**

Zack and Peter are on a game that's sort of like the Newlywed Game, except it's for Father and son-in-laws which is called the Father and Son-in-law Game.

"Okay, Peter," said the host, "I will ask you a question and Zack will write the answer on a piece paper. If you answer it correctly, you can win $1,000,000!"

"Alright, Mr. Host. Lay it on me," said Peter.

"Oh, this is a real easy one," said the host, "What is your daughter, his wife, Meg Griffin/Murdock's name?"

"Oh... I know this one," said Peter, "Ummm... let's see... um... no that's not it... um... Lara Croft?"

"Oh I'm sorry!" said the host, "Zack?"

"It's Meg Griffin!" said Zack, "MEG FREAKIN' GRIFFIN!!!! THE DAMN HOST EVEN SAID IT DURING THE QUESTION!!! ALL YOU HAD TO SAY WAS SAY MEG GRIFFIN AND WE WOULD'VE HAD A MILLION DOLLARS!!! WHAT KIND OF FATHER DOESN'T EVEN REMEMBER HIS OWN DAUGHTER'S NAME?!?!? HOW HARD IS IT TO REMEMBER A THREE LETTER WORD AND YOUR OWN LAST NAME?!?!?"

"Heheheheh!" chuckled Peter, "You called Meg freakin'."

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!" shouted Zack as he began fighting Peter. Peter then fought back and they both went on until security grabbed them and threw them into a dumpster.

"Thanks alot, fatass," said Zack, "Hey, a dollar!"

"I saw it first!" said Peter as he punched Zack.

They then began fighting in the dumpster until a dumptruck came and poured them along with the garbage into the truck. To make a long story short, after hours of fighting, they found out the dollar was really play money at the dump.

**End Flashback.**

"Oh Parker Brothers, you are truly evil," said Zack as he shook his head, "And then there was the time when Peter talked me into trying to help him win a Dog Show," said Zack.

**Flashback**

At a Dog Show, Peter and Zack are disguised as a dog in a two piece dog costume.

"Peter, this has to be the stupidest idea you've ever come up with!" said Zack.

"Oh, you're just mad because you're the dog's butt!" said Peter.

"You know, you should be back here instead of me," said Zack, "'cause you act like an ASS!!!"

They started beating each other up with their feet, much to the judges' surpise.

"Cut it out!" said Peter, "We need to cooperate if we want to win the prize!"

"Really what is the prize?"

"Listen to this. It's $500!"

"I'm listening."

"Worth of dog food!"

"And now I'm not!" said Zack.

"Oh c'mon!" said Peter, "We can sell the dog food at a profit! Besides it could be worse."

"Look, I could've been at home spending time with my daughter and wife since it's my off day," said Zack, "But instead I'm wasting my time being the ass of a dog made by an ass of a dog! What can be worse!"

Peter then makes a loud smelly fart in the costume.

"Like that," sad Peter.

"Y'know what? That did it! I'm out of here!" said Zack as he tore off from the rest of the costume and left, leaving Peter as the front half of a dog alone. Everyone in the audience looked on in shock.

"What?" asked Peter, "I still have a very handsome face!"

**End Flashback**

"Zack, just give Peter another chance," said Lois, "I'm sure you both can try to find some kind of middle ground."

"Fine, I'll give it a shot," said Zack, "But I can't promise anything."

"Hey, Zackie, Lois?" asked Jillian, "Chris and I want to practice being parents, so is it alright if we borrow Stewie and Maddie?"

"I don't know," said Zack, "I'm not too comfortable leaving them in the hands of you two."

"Zack, give them a chance," said Lois, "What's the worse they can do?"

"Trade them for pocket lint?" said Zack.

"Zack, I already told you," said Jillian, "I'm sorry I traded your NES for pocket lint! It seemed like a good deal at the time!"

"If it will help them be good parents," said Meg, "I think we should let them."

"Well, alright," said Zack, "They're over by the playground. But there are a few important things you need to know about Maddie, like that you shouldn't feed her..."

Jillian and Chris had already left before Zack even began talking.

"Wow, they've developed mind reading powers," said Zack sarcastically, "Well, better go hang with Peter."

"Just try to find something you two have in common," said Meg as Zack walked off.

Peter was sitting under a shadey tree reading a comic book alone. Zack sits next to him.

"Go away," said Peter sadly in a childish manner.

"Peter, I'm sorry about the football incedent," said Zack, "Anyway, whatcha doing?"

"Reading a comic book."

"You read comic books?"

"Yeah. I like The Incredible Hulk," said Peter, "I really like it when he goes, 'You won't like me when I'm angry' and then he goes completely mental."

"I, um, I like comic books, too," said Zack, "In fact, I collect them. I even brought one of them with me."

"What is that one?" asked Peter.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles," said Zack, "I always loved them since I was a kid. I even watched the live action movies."

"Which one was your favorite," asked Peter.

"TMNT 3," said Zack, "I know many don't really like it, but I feel that it was a pretty underrated movie."

"Really?" asked Peter, "Me too! I found it to be quite well written."

"Yeah, so did I," said Zack, "Say, I have a portable DVD player with me. You wanna watch it?"

"Do I?" asked Peter in excitement, "Lois, do I?"

"Of course!" said Lois, "You two have fun watching the Ninja Turtles."

Meanwhile at the sandbox, Jillian is about to push Maddie on the swings.

"I read somewhere that a good mother should play with her child often," said Jillian, "It will help you grow your mind or something."

"Another important thing is that a good mother always, ALWAYS listens to her child," said Maddie, "That being said, I wanna get off."

"Wait, you say something?" asked Jillian.

"...I wanna get off," said Maddie.

"You wanna swing really really high?"

"NO!"

"Okay! Here we GO!" shouted Jillian

"Dad's right! You are dumb as he- AAAAAAHHHHH!!!" screamed Maddie as Jillian pushed Maddie on the swing hard.

"Get me of!!!" shouted Maddie, "GET ME OFF!!! GETMEOFFGETMEOFFGETMEOFF!!!!!!!!"

"What's that? Higher you say?" asked Jillian.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"YES? Then higher you'll go!!!" said Jillian as she pushed Maddie so fast that she began spinning over the swings screaming her little lungs out, "Hey, parenting is pretty easy, Jillian added, "How are you doing with Stewie, Chris?"

"Jillian! I hope we're not having boys!" shouted Chris.

"Why?"

"Because they're very VERY aggressive!!!" shouted Chris as he was running away from Stewie who was constantly shooting his ray gun at him.

"What?!?!?" shouted Stewie as he was still chasing him, "You said we could play whatever _I _wanted! Weh're just playing laser tag!"

"See?" asked Jillian, "He just wants to play a harmless game."

Stewie then accidentally shoots a tree and it explodes.

"OH MY GOD!!! HE'S GOING TO KILL ME!!!" shouted Chris.

"Oh you worry too much! He won't hurt you. We should be GREAT parents when our kids are born," laughed Jillian as Maddie's swing came back down... without Maddie, "Maddie? Where'd you go?"

Back with the others, Zack and Peter are talking and laughing about trivial topics such as TV and video games.

"Wow, I can't believe dad and Zack are actually getting along," said Meg.

"See," said Lois, "All they needed to do was find some things that they had in common and now they seem to like each other a little better."

"I just hope Zack doesn't take on any of dad's traits though," said Meg, "That would really suck."

**Cutaway**

Zack walks into Meg's bedroom.

"Guess what I blew our savings on!" said Zack, "Air insurance! Just look at that wind outside. Plotting."

"Air insurance?!?! You blew Maddie's college fund on Air insurance?!?!?" shouted Meg, "You skinny bastard!!!"

"Shut up, Meg!" said Peter, "I find you unattractive now and think you are a horrible excuse for a wife just like how Peter finds you to be a horrible excuse for a daughter. You also look like a boy and make me want to throw up while having sex with you."

Meg then runs out of the room crying.

"Now to go downstairs and have a long running and very unfunny conversation with somebody and not feel bad for Meg at all because it is somehow funny to some people," said Zack, "Heheheheheheh! And so is this laugh for some reason."

**End Cutaway.**

"Oh my god," said Lois, "That totally **would** suck!"

Meanwhile, Peter and Zack are at the picnic table having a conversation.

"And I'm telling you that Super Saiyan Goku could totally beat Superman any day of the week," said Zack.

"Nah, all that anime is exaggerated," said Peter.

"Well, to a degree, so are Superman's powers," said Zack, "It doesn't matter. They'd probably just join forces anyway."

"I guess you're right," said Peter, "Hey, have you ever watched the first Star Wars movie? Now that is a great movie."

"Eh, I'm not really into Star Wars that much," said Zack.

Lois and Meg then spat out their sodas at Zack's remark.

"Oh no!" said Lois.

"What do you mean?" asked Peter.

"I just don't really like Star Wars," said Zack, "I don't see what the big deal is."

"The "big deal" is that Star Wars is the greatest sci-fi franchise that ever graced the Earth," said Peter.

"Greatest sci-fi?" said Zack, "Yeah right! That title belongs to Star Trek and you know it!"

"Star Trek can't even hold a candle to the greatness that is Star Wars," said Peter.

"Oh yeah?!?!" said Zack angrily, "I'll bet Captain Kirk could kick the pants off of that sissy boy, Luke Wimpwalker any day of the year!"

"Oh, yeah, well Luke would just force choke Captain Dirt to death!" said Peter, "Kirk doesn't even have powers like that."

"Only a pansy uses those kinds of powers instead of using good old hand to hand combat," said Zack, "Also, Worf could kick Chewbacca's ass just because he's a Klingon! Klingons rule!"

"Klingons suck! Wookies rule!"

"Just what kind of a stupid name is "Wookie" anyway?!?! It sounds like baby talk for Rookie which Stupidbacca is anyway!"

"You know what? I don't care what you think!!! I hate you!!! You and your precious Star Trek can go to hell"

"No thanks, cause hell is where Star Wars is!" shouted Zack as he stomped away angrily. Peter then stomped away angrily towards Lois.

"I can't believe it," said Peter, "Just what kind of monster doesn't like Star Wars? I'll tell you who: the blonde haired one with the green wool cap! That's who!"

"Peter, it's no big deal," said Lois, "He just doesn't like Star Wars."

"But it is a big deal!" said Peter, "You know Star Wars is sacred to me, just like Star Junk is sacred to him."

"SHUT UP!!!" shouted Zack.

"Oh I'm sorry," said Peter, "I don't speak to bastards."

"Peter, he probably doesn't mean it," said Lois, "You know how Star War and Star Trek fans can be like. Just give him another chance."

"I dunno, Lois. I-" said Peter before he was cut off by... the giant fighting chicken!

The Chicken began punching Peter on the ground, but Peter threw the chicken off him and onto the table where he banged the Chicken's head repeatedly. The Chicken then elbowed Peter in the face and punched him in the stomache. Peter then grabs the Chicken by the neck and they stumble off the side of a cliff. While falling, they exchange blows until they land on top of an oil truck where they continue fighting. The Chicken then bites Peter in the arm. Peter then punches the Chicken to make him release it and then punches the Chicken some more. Meanwhile in the truck, the driver then looks at Peter and the Chicken for a moment and looks at the road... only to see that he was off it and crashed into a tree, causing it to explode and shooting Peter and the Chicken into the air. Peter and the Chicken are still exchanging blows.

They then fall on the streets of Quahog where they continue fighting. The Chicken throws Peter into the Lightpost. Peter gets up and throws the Chicken onto a cop car, where they Peter begins pummeling the Chicken. The Chicken kicks Peter off of him and pecks bites his lips. Peter kicks the Chicken in the crotch making him crumple to the ground. Peter then charges at him, but the Chicken opens a manhole making Peter fall. Peter, however grabs onto the Chicken pulling him down with him. They then continue their fight in the sewers where they threw each other into the bars. They then rolled around punching each other until they poped right out of the manhole above them(How can they fight while climbing the ladder? I dunno.)

They continued their fight into the History Museum, where they exchanged blows until they got into the Japanese Exhibition. The Chicken then threw Peter into a case with Samurai Armor where he laid bloodied. The Chicken then took one of the Exhibit's kitana sword and raised it above his head to finish the fight once and for all. Then out of nowhere through a nearby glass window, A man in a motorcycle with long blonde hair wearing a trenchcoat and hockey mask burst into the scene colliding into the Chicken and causing him to fly backwards a few feet.

"What in the world?" asked Peter.

The man then took out a couple of hockey sticks while the Chicken slowly got back on his feet. He and Peter had never seen this man before in their lives. The Chicken didn't care and rushed in to attack him. However, the blonde man with the hockey mask used his hockey sticks to parry and dodge the Chicken's punches and beak.

"GOONGALA GOONGALA!!!" he shouted as he struck his hockey stick onto the Chicken's head rather hard. He then slammed his other one. Then his other one. He repeated this process until the Chicken was dizzy. He then stumbled until he fell out the window the blonde man broke through and fell from the 5 stories to his doom screming his patented cartoon chicken scream.

Peter looked on to the man in the hockey mask. He had saved his life. There was one question that was going on in Peter's mind...

"Why is Paris Hilton such a skank?" he asked.

"What?" he asked.

PETER!!! Not _that_ question!!! The other one!

"Oh, right!" said Peter, "Just who are you?"

The man in the hockey mask then removed his hockey mask to reveal that he was his so-in-law, Zack.

"Zack?" Peter asked, "You save my life? Even after all the things I said about Star Trek?"

"Peter, Star Trek is just a show," said Zack, "We're family now. Family always look out for each other. Besides, you would've done the same for me."

In Peter's mind, Zack is being beaten up by gangsters while Peter is sneaking away not helping him.

"That is so true," said Peter.

"Pffft. No it's not. You'd leave me for dead and you know it. I'm not like that, though."

"I got a question, though. If we're here in the 5th story, how did you get that bike through the window?"

"I...I don't know! Ah, it's not important," said Zack, "Let's get back to the park. The food's ready."

Peter and Zack then walked off into the sunset. Meanwhile in the dumpster where the Chicken was in, he laid there motionless. As the camera zoomed into his face, he opened his eyes with that thirst of revenge.

Anyway, back in the park Peter and Zack return while everyone is sitting on the table. Zack then noticed someting odd.

"Jillian, where's Maddie?" asked Zack.

"Yeah, Chris," said Jillian attempting to throw the blame on Chris, "Where _is_ Maddie?"

"Don't look at me," said Chris who was pretty burnt up, "I was playing "laser tag" all day."

Then as if on cue, Madeline falls from the sky and lands on Zack knocking him down, but not too much since Maddie's only a baby and weighs very little.

"Maddie, where were you?" asked Meg, "And why are you're clothes and hair charred?"

"Re-entry into the Earth's atmosphere," said Maddie, "Did you know Martians really do exist?"

**Flashback **

While slying in space she goes past Mars and sees Marvin the Martian.

"No way!" she said, "You guys really do exist!"

"I know! Isn't that wonderful?" said Marvin.

"I've got a question," said Maddie, "What's Mars like?"

"It's okay," said Marvin, "There's a shortage of chairs."

"...Oh," said Maddie, "Well, goodbye!"

Maddie then drifted away back to Earth.

"What a nice girl," said Marvin.

**End Flashback.**

**End Chapter.**


	27. Bar Crashers

**Chapter 27: Bar Crashers**

(AN: Credit goes to Snake Screamer for the plot idea. And Iron Mantis for the idea on one of the jokes which I modified.)

Zack is closing down shop with Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland waiting with him.

"You know," said Zack, "After a hard day at the Auto Shop, there's nothing better than wanting to go home and be with my loving family... but since today _wasn't_ a hard day, who wants to go to the Drunken Clam instead? It's on me."

"Really?" asked Peter.

"Sure," said Zack, "I just got a big fat check the size of Cleveland!"

"Hey!" said Cleveland, "Are you saying you're check is big and black?"

"I meant the state," said Zack, "And yes. They use black paper for these checks for some reason. It's pretty wierd looking!"

"So what are we waiting for?" asked Quagmire, "Let's hit the bar!"

"Hey, wait a minute," said Zack, "Where the heck is Joe?"

"Oh, he and Bonnie took a trip to Japan," said Peter, "He said he wanted to get in on some big action."

Meanwhile in Japan, Joe is about to take on Godzilla and Mothra.

"You wanna level down Tokyo while I'm here?!?!? BRING IT OOOOOOONNNN!!!!!" he shouts as he heads in for battle.

Later on back in Quahog, the guys walk up to the Drunken Clam and see it all boarded up with the owner Horace crying.

"Horace? What the hell happened to the Drunken Clam?" asked Peter.

"I'm shutting the place down," said Horace, "I've been losing business to the new British Pub across the street."

"Wait, I thought there was a super mall across the street," said Zack.

"It seems to change every week," said Horace, "Sometimes into something innocent and then something business threatening."

"A British Pub?" asked Peter, "Man, I hate those!"

"Man, I hate British Pubs, too," said Zack, "Everyone's stuck up, they all talk funny and all they show on TV is cricket!"

"Why do you hate cricket?" asked Quagmire.

"They give those people all those stick thingies and nobody crushes a single cricket with them!" said Zack, "It's so stupid!"

"I Know! It's really stupid!" asked Peter.

"Wow, talk about false advertisement!" said Cleveland

"Yeah, I hate cricket now!" said Quagmire.

"Guys, that's just a stupid stereotype," said Brian, "Let's just give the bar a chance. I'm sure the patrons aren't all that bad."

Peter, Brian, and the others go to Ye Olde Pub and when they walk inside, they see a bunch of british snobs speaking while classical music is being played in the background and Cricket is on the TV.

"Um, excuse me," said Peter as everyone in the bar turned around, "Yeah, hi. You see, since you guys may be putting our favorite bar out of business, we were thinking that maybe we can, you know, join you people in your very fine establishment."

The patrons just stare at them in disbelief, while Peter and the gang smile a wide grin. Zack starts scratching his hair and Peter then makes a big fart.

"So," said Zack, "Um... how about them Knicks?"

A few moments later, they are all lying on the sidewalk of the Pub beaten up.

"It's no use," said Cleveland.

"Don't give up so easily," said Peter, "We just need to act fancier."

"They wouldn't let us in anyway," said Zack, "Brian's a dog, I have long hair, you're a fat manchild, Quagmire's a pervert, and Cleveland's black. We'd never fit in."

"Ah jeez! you're right, Zack," said Peter, "Well, there's only one thing for us to do!"

A few moments later, they are all lying on the sidewalk of the Pub beaten up... Again.

"Could you tell me why we walked back in there?" asked Zack.

"I left my watch," said Peter.

"Peter, that's not your watch," said Quagmire, "That's a gold rollex!"

"Hey, you're right Quagmire!" said Peter, "You know what this means?"

A few moments later, they are all lying on the sidewalk of the Pub beaten up... Yup, it happened again.

"Now tell me. Why did we give it back?" asked Zack.

"Because usually people get a reward when they return stuff," said Peter.

"And did that reward happen to be knuckle sandwiches? Because if it was, we sure got rewarded alright," said Zack.

"Well, at least those ladies were fine," said Quagmire, "Tally hoe alright! Giggity giggity!"

"We're just gonna have to find a new bar," said Cleveland.

"Are you kidding?" asked Zack, "The only nearest bar from here is the local gay bar and none of us swing that way!"

"I dunno," said Peter, "You seem to find Meg attractive. You'd fit right in."

Everyone but Zack laughed at that remark.

"That's very funny," said Zack, "That's almost as funny as the fact that Lois was easier than a 2 piece jigsaw puzzle back in the day. Hey Peter, you catch AIDs yet?"

"OH! No he didn't!" laughed Cleveland.

"Well, there's only one thing to do now," said Peter.

"Oh I hope to god he doesn't want us to go back in there," said Brian.

"Actually, I was gonna saw we should try to help Horace get business back with some sort of gimmick," said Peter, "But that other idea sounds much better."

Everybody then grabs onto Peter and pins him to the ground. Later in Peter's living room, the guys are trying to brainstorm the perfect gimmick.

"Hey, I just thought of a great joke," said Peter, "Okay, so these two dyslexic guys walk into a bra."

Everyone stares at Peter, except Zack.

"Peter, dyslexia is a very serious condition," said Cleveland.

"Yeah, Peter," said Brian, "It isn't something to joke about."

"He's right! That was just offensive," said Quagmire.

"Oh, c'mon! It was just a joke!" said Peter, "Okay, fine then. How about this one: Two guys walk into a bar and now they're both dead! Yeah, they both walked into a swinging bar and lost their heads! You happy? Or does that offend you too?"

"Guys, stop," said Zack, "It was just a joke! Now let's just try to think of a way to save the Drunken Clam, okay? The floor's open to any suggestions."

"Well, we can try Karaoke night," said Cleveland.

"Been there, done that," said Peter, "Hey, let's try barfight fridays. Whoever's the last one standing gets a free hat."

"Okay I like that," said Zack as he took down ideas on a piece of paper, "Anything else?"

"We can to bring a little culture to the bar," said Brian, "How about maybe an open mike poetry night."

"Brian it's a bar," said Peter, "People want to get drunk, not bored to death with lame rhyming stories about god knows what goes on through the minds of sick emo people. Next?"

"Daddy!" said Maddie as she walked into the living room, "I lost my toy cat Chip!"

"Where did you have him last, sweetie?" asked Zack.

"I was in Uncle Chris's room and that stupid evil monkey took him from me!"

On the staircase, the Evil Monkey is holding Chip while pointing at Maddie.

"I'd love to help you, " said Zack, "But daddy doesn't have time to help you get your cat from the evil monkey."

"So what do I do?"

Zack hands Maddie a monkey wrench.

"Here. Go nuts," he said as Maddie ran upstairs chasing the monkey back into Chris's room.

"Are you sure you should do that?" asked Cleveland, "Because that doesn't seem like good parenting to me, and you know how the man feels about bad parenting even though they'll put a child into a foster home where the parenting is ten times worse than the parenting they got from their original home."

"Just wait," said Zack, "I know what I'm doing."

Suddenly loud crashing and vulgar swear words could be heard upstars with monkey screams as everyone but Zack was getting worried looks on their faces. Madeline comes downstairs with her stuffed cat Chip and is covered in what looks like blood.

"What did you just do, Madeline?" asked Peter in horror, "You didn't..."

"Huh? No, he just wanted me to smash a watermelon for him," said Maddie as she pulled out a watermelon rind and left the room, "He wasn't really evil. Just misunderstood."

"Okay. Anyway, I know exactly how to get more customers," said Quagmire, "How about a strip bar?"

"Actually, I was thinking that we can turn the bar into a family resteraunt," said Zack, "That should get a wider range of customers and we'll still have our bar."

"Whoa, no way!" said Peter, "Bars and families should never mix! You and I should know about things that don't mix!"

**Flashback.**

Peter and Zack are making a youtube video.

"Okay, we know what happens when you mix Mentos with diet coke," said Zack.

He puts the mentos into the bottle of diet coke and the diet coke shoots upwards from the bottle.

"But let's see what happens when you mix Altoids with Mountain Dew," said Peter.

He puts the Ice Breaker into a bottle of Mountain Dew and the entire city explodes in a live action footage of a fiery mushroom cloud.

**End Flashback.**

"Oh. I guess you're right, then," said Zack, "Well, looks like we'll just have to go with the stripper bar idea, then."

"But where are we going to find some women to be strippers?" asked Cleveland.

"Hmmm...," thought Peter.

A few moments later, they are all lying on the sidewalk of the Pub beaten up... Yup, it happened again.

"You're getting a kick out of this, aren't you?" asked Zack.

"Wait!" said Peter, "I've just thought of a **real** idea!"

Later that night at the Drunken Clam they go with the strip bar idea... with Jillian, Lois and Meg as the strippers.

"I don't want to do this!" said Meg.

"I don't either," said Zack, "But you girls were the only ones we could get on such short notice and we really need to save the bar."

"Yeah, now get over their and shake that money maker for me," said Quagmire, "Er, I mean the customers!"

"C'mon, Meg!" said Lois as she was dancing on a pole in a bikini while Quagmire stuffed a dollar down her G-string, "Just try to have a little fun!"

"Jillian, what are you doing?" asked Peter, "You're supposed to be dancing on the pole."

"Yeah, about that," she said, "I'm not too sure what am I supposed to do. Am I supposed to do the charleston or fox trot or something like that?"

"No, you're supposed to do dirty dancing," said Peter.

"So... I should cover myself in mud and _then_ do the charleston?" asked Jillian.

"No," said Peter, "There is nothing sexy about about the charleston!"

"I dunno," said Jillian, "I do have to squat so maybe if I did it backwards, I can show off my butt?"

"Yeah, I, um, I guess that could work," said Peter.

"I'm not too comfortable with the idea of perverted men staring at my sister," said Zack.

"You're making a big deal out of this," said Peter.

"Big deal? She's F(bleep)ing 3 months pregnant!" said Zack, "You know what? This was a bad idea!"

"Zack's right," said Cleveland, "We haven't had a customer since we started this."

"You want customers?" said Peter, "Just watch this."

Peter directs Zack to go outside with him where they see a passerby and his wife.

"Hey you!" shouts Peter, "You two look like you could use a revitilization of your sex life since your wife looks like Hilary Clinton on crack! Why don't you come over to our strip bar? We have some pretty hot women. Only two of them, though. One of them is ugly, has brown hair and looks worse than your wife. She's _his_ wife."

Zack angrily backhands Peter.

"Ugh, a strip bar," said the random passerby, "How low can you get."

"You know, if this where a family resteraunt with a bar inside in another room we'd go inside and then tell all our friends about it," said his wife, "That way, we could take family and friends out to eat, and you and your friends can hang out at the bar in the other room."

"Yeah, it's too bad no one's ever thought of doing it," said the passerby as he and his wife left, "We'd go everyday."

As the couple walks into the British Pub, Zack gives Peter a very angry look.

"Hey, wow!" said Peter, "That sounded just like your plan from earlier today! Wow, what are the odds, huh? It's like maybe one in a million? I mean that was just amazing!"

He balls up his fists as his eyes grow bloodshot and his face becomes red. He grits his teeth and a blood vein appears on his forehead.

"Hey, that's a pretty cool trick," said Peter, "Can you teach me how to make my face go all red like that?"

"Sure," said Zack, "Like THIS!!!"

Zack begins to mount on Peter and pummel him on the sidewalk until he's bleeding and crying.

"What am I doing?" asked Zack, "I'm beating up on my father-in-law and it's all because of that damn British Pub!"

"Actually, it's also because I'm always bashing on Meg," said Peter, "And sometimes Maddie behind your back."

"YOU WHAT?!?!?" he shouted as he raised his fist.

"AAAAHHHH!!! The bar makes me do it!" shouts Peter.

"Really? Then we need to shut it down right away!" said Zack.

"But how?" asks Peter.

"Hmmmm..." thought Zack.

A few moments later, Peter is lying on the sidewalk of the Pub beaten up.

"What the hell was that for?" asked Peter, "Why'd you throw me in?"

"Like I was really gonna believe that the bar made you do it," said Zack.

"Don't worry," said Peter to the readers, "We won't do this joke anymore."

"Yeah, this is the last time we'll do that gag," said Zack, "We promise."

Later downstairs in the basement, everyone is around a table. Zack then rolls out a blueprint.

"Okay, so we apparently can't take business from them," said Zack, "So instead, we'll drive the place out of business!"

"So, exactly how are we gonna do that?" asked Quagmire.

"I was thinking that we could sabotage the place," said Zack.

"But that's against the law," said Cleveland, "And I'm black so they'll take me away first and then get you guys maybe 4 weeks later!"

"Now, hold on," said Zack, "I was going to hire a few goons to do it for us."

"Hired goons?" said Peter, "Why get hired goons? They're mostly a bunch of fat drunk stupid guys who can't do anything right. Especially when it comes to raising their kids. Daughters in particular."

Zack is about to open his mouth, but stops and thinks for a moment.

"I won't say it," said Zack as he shook his head, "It's just _too_ easy."

"Oh, I get it," said Quagmire, "You'll get the hired goons to do the dirty work... Just like I do! Shawing!!!"

"Zack, you can't just wreck that bar like that," said Brian, "It's wrong!"

"Oh yeah, and being moral is _so_ going to keep the plot going," said Zack in sarcasm.

"No, I mean the plan," said Brian, "Just how are you going to pay for those hired goons?"

"With that paycheck I got," said Zack, "It should be enough. Peter, give me my check!"

"Yeah... about that," said Peter, "Promise you won't get mad, but I was practicing oragami and..."

"Don't tell me," said Zack, "You tried to make a crane, but you messed up and ripped it up."

"Actually, I made a great crane," said Peter, "But I had to blow my nose so..."

"Don't tell me," said Zack, "You used the check as a tissue."

"No, I got up to get a tissue," said Peter, "But then I needed to poop and we ran out of toilet paper so..."

"Peter, what happened to my check?"

"A bird swooped in and took it," said Peter, "He was one nasty son of a bitch, too. He just came out of nowhere."

"Wow," said Zack, "I totally did not see that one coming. Well guess that's it, then."

"Why don't you try destroying the bar yourselves?" asked Meg as she walked into the basement.

"What?" asked Zack, "Are you nuts? That's a crime!"

"Just wear some disguises or something," said Meg, "Maybe wear some costumes and nobody will know it's you."

"Meg?" asked Peter, "Who let you in the basement?"

"That's brilliant!" said Zack.

"It was just a question," said Peter.

"No! The costume idea!" said Zack, "I still have those old Bebop and Rocksteady costumes from Halloween in the attic. Peter! You and I can dress up as Bebop and Rocksteady and destroy the pub!"

"Bebop and Rocksteady?" asked Peter, "Why can't we just go in the dog costume again?"

"Will I get to be the front this time?" asked Zack.

"No."

"Then shut up and do as I say!" said Zack.

Back inside the British Pub, the patrons are enjoying themselves once more until a mutant rhyno and warthog carrying guns burst into the scene.

"Alright, snobs!" said the Rhyno, "Youse people are gonna hand over your money or we tear the place up!"

"Yeah," snorted the warthog, "And don't try no funny stuff or we'll-"

"Get lost, you has-beens!" said Peter in a very tight and itchy Rocksteady cotume as he and Zack threw out the real Bebop and Rockteady, "Oh my god! This suit is so itchy!"

"Just shut up and stick with the plan!" said Zack in a loose Bebop costume, "Alright people! If you don't get outta here and shut this place down, we'll... DAMMIT!!! My costume's falling off! Peter, give me your belt!"

"No way!" said Peter.

"C'mon!" said Zack, "You're wearing five of 'em! Oh forget it!"

"What the bloody hell is this?" asked one of the Englishmen, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

"Shaddap!" said Zack as he pulled the trigger on the gun which realeased a bunch of nerf balls at the man.

"Ow! Stop that!" he said, "That is really really annoying!"

"Nerf balls?" asked Zack as he looked at the gun. It was a nerf gun, "Nerf. You give us f(bleep)king Nerf guns. Why Nerf guns?"

"C'mon!" said Peter, "You gotta admit, they are pretty cool looking."

"You're ruining _everyting_!" said Zack, "This plan isn't working at all!"

"Well, it was Meg's plan after all," said Peter.

"Meg this! Meg that! You blame her for _everything_!" said Zack, "I'm getting tired of that! Maybe if you acted like a better father, she wouldn't be such a dissappointment to y-"

Peter shoots a Nerf ball into Zack's mouth to shut him up.

"Blah, blah, blah," said Peter, "No one, cares!"

Zack spits out the Nerf ball and shoots his Nerf gun at him... gansta style.

"OW!!! HEY!!! THAT'S ANNOYING! STOP IT!!!"

"YOU WANT SOME OF THIS, PUNK? YOU WANT SOME OF THIS? YOU DON'T WANT NONE OF THIS!!!"

Peter and Zack begin shooting at each other with Nerf balls. After they run out of Nerf balls, they throw their guns at each other and then begin rolling around the floor while choking each other.

"Oh my go- Look, if you blokes don't want us to take business from you bar just say so," said the Enlishman, "We'll just move!"

Peter and Zack then stopped rolling and looked at them.

"Really?" asked Zack.

"Oh... um, yeah, that would be good," said Peter.

"Good!" said the Englishman, "Frankly, I'm quited tired of you two acting like such childish Americans."

Everyone from within the bar left leaving Zack and Peter alone.

"We're not childish," said Zack, "Hey a nickel!"

"You mean _my_ nickel!" said Peter.

"In your dreams, cootie face!"

"Doo doo head!"

"Lint licker!"

They then proceed to childishly beat each other up. The next day at the Drunken Clam, Peter, Zack, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Brian are at their usual booth.

"A toast to getting the Drunken Clam back!" said Peter as everyone clacked their glasses together.

"Who knew that just asking them to leave would work," said Zack.

"Hey, everybody," said Joe as he wheeled into the room, "I'm back."

"So how was Japan?" asked Peter.

"It ROCKED!" said Joe, "I even brought some souveniers."

"That's a pretty cool dragon skinned T-shirt," said Quagmire.

"And that fuzzy moth jacket ain't too shabby either," said Cleveland.

"I was thinking that maybe you guys can come over to my house later today," said Joe, "We're gonna have lizard burgers. We got ourselves enough to last maybe 10 years!"

"Wow, that's a lot of meat," said Cleveland, "Are you going to donate it to the needy, because they could really use a lot of food like that."

"Hell no! It's for us," said Peter, "Let's go to Joe's, eat that meat and when we can't eat anymore we throw it away. Just like _real_ Americans!"

"You know, I don't think I can eat those burgers," said Zack, "I'm feeling kinda sick."

"Really?" asked Peter, "From what?"

"Ignorance," said Zack, "I'm going home."

Zack then left the bar and went off home.

"Wow, I feel kinda guilty," said Peter, "I know what I must do."

"Donate it to the needy, because they could really use a lot of food like that?" asked Cleveland.

"No. Eat until I can't eat no more!" said Peter.

"ALRIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!" said Joe as they all left to Joe's place for some Godzilla size burgers.

**End Chapter.**


	28. A Hairy Situation

**Chapter 28: A Hairy Situation**

"NOOOOO!!!!" screamed Zack as Peter was strapping him into a chair, "You can't do this to me!!! This is inhumane I tell you! INHUMANE!!!"

"I'm sorry, but we have to do this," said Peter.

"Even Meg agrees to this," said Lois.

"How could you, Meg?" asked Zack.

"I'm sorry, but you _need_ this," said Meg, "I only hope that you can forgive me."

"NEVER!!!" shouted Zack, "I shall never forgive you for this! This is a blatant act against our vows!!!"

"Zack! You're just getting a stupid haircut!" said Meg.

"Let me out!!!" shouted Zack as begans struggling out of the chair, "I'M BEGGING YOU!!! DON'T DO THIS TO ME!!! I GOT IT JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT!!!"

"Zack, you have a mop top!" said Peter, "I'm just gonna give you a trim."

"It's just fine!" said Zack, "I don't need a haircut!"

"Gimmie the shears," said Peter.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" shouted Zack, "MADDIE!!! CALL THE POLICE!!!!"

"I think you two better leave the room," said Peter as he directed Lois and Meg out of the room.

"You'll never get away with this!" said Zack angrily.

"Oh, but I will!" said Peter in a dastardly tone, "As soon as the clippers make contact with your hair, it will cut it thus making it trimmed!!!"

"You FIEND!!!"

"I know I am, but what are you? MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" laughed Peter, "Now hold still. I wanna make sure I get this just right."

"Okay."

Peter then trims of some of Zack's hair, but accidentally shaves off a good portion of it.

"Whoops!" said Peter.

"What was that?!?!?" asked Zack.

"Nothing! Nothing!" said Peter, "Say, Zack. How would you feel if I told you that I shaved the side of your head?"

"I'd grab those clippers and shave your pubic hairs off," said Zack, "Why'd you ask?"

"Nothing, just curiosity," said Peter.

A few moments later...

"WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HAIR!?!?!?" shouted Zack as he looked into the mirror to see that he was bald.

"Yeah, about that," said Peter, "You see I was trimming your hair nice and easy and then all of a sudden it, um, it fell off."

"ALL OF IT?!?!?"

"Yeeeah, all of it."

"Oh my god!!! How could that happen?!?!?"

"What's wrong, Za- Oh my goodness!" Lois said as she took a glance at the now bald Zack.

"Good lord!" said Meg, "What happened?"

"My hair just fell off!!!!" shouts Zack.

"Are you sure?" asked Lois.

"Yeah!" said Zack, "Peter told me and he would never lie to me... now."

"Zack, this hair looks like it was shaved off," said Meg as she picked up a piece of Zack's hair.

"...Shaved?..." asked Zack, "It was shaved off?... WHERE ARE THOSE DAMN SHEARS?!?!?"

Lois and Meg then held on to Zack as he then broke out crying.

"My hair!!!" cried Zack, "It's gone! It's all gone!!!"

"Zack, it's okay," said Lois.

"No it's not!" cried Zack, "That hair was an important part of me!!! It makes me who I am, just like my goatee!"

Peter then quickly shaves off Zack's goatee.

"There," said Peter, "Now you're like everyone else. Problem solved."

"I'LL KILL YOU!!!" shouts Zack as he was held back by the girls again, he gets on his knees and starts to cry again, "I'm a bald monkey, now!"

"Zack, you look just fine," said Lois, "It's no big deal, really!"

Maddie then comes into the room.

"Hey, what's all that screaming?" asked Maddie as she notices Zack, "MOM!!! THERE'S A BALD MONKEY IN THE HOUSE AND IT ATE DAD!!! IT'S WEARING HIS CLOTH- no wait. That _is_ dad. Eeeewww!"

"Maddie!" said Meg as she picked her baby up.

"This is all _your _fault!" said Zack angrily as he pointed to Peter, "I haven't been this pissed off at you since that exploding watermelon incedent and that was yesterday! I still remember the surgery to remove my foot from your ass!"

"Zack, stop it!" said Meg, "You're acting wierder than what you did last week!"

**Flashback.**

"Meg, I've been having some serious trouble expressing my true feelings with words," said Zack, "So that's why I'll be using... interperative dance!"

Meg then runs out the room screaming like a banshee.

"Wait! Come back!" said Zack as he chased after her, "I've been practicing all week for this! You want me to use the hand puppets, instead?"

**End Flashback. **

Later that night, Meg and Zack are in bed. Zack is still miserable about the loss of his hair.

"Zack, will you just get over it?" said Meg, "It'll grow back."

"But that'll take months!" said Zack, "I need my long blonde hair and goatee. I look so generic without it!"

"Just give it time," said Meg, "You'll grow new and better hair."

"You think so?"

"I know so," said Meg as she kissed Zack, "Good night."

"Wait," said Zack, "Don't you wanna have sex?"

"Not tonight, Zack," said Meg, "I've got a headache."

"You're not making that up because I don't have hair, are you?"

"Of course not. You know I love you no matter what. Just go to sleep," said Meg as she turned off the lights.

Zack then sniffed the air.

"Something smells like weeners. 10 packs?"

"GO TO SLEEP!!!!" Meg quickly shouts.

The next morning, poor Zack is lying on the couch looking very depressed. Meg enters the living room.

"So, did you enjoy the New York Knicks last night, if you catch my drift?" said Zack bitterly.

"Zack, I'm very sorry about last night," said Meg, "It's just that, well, I just need to get used to the new you before we can start doing it again."

"New Me?" Zack asked, "NEW ME?!?!? Oh, this is NOT going to be the new me! In fact, I'm going to the pharmacy to buy some rogaine RIGHT NOW!"

"Rogaine?!?!" asked Meg, "Are you sure about that?"

"Oh I'm guaran-damned-tee sure about it," said Zack as he walked to the door, "And I won't be bringing anymore hot dogs home! Next thing you know, you'll want the Lakers! Or whatever basketball team women fantasize about!"

On his way out, he sees Jillian standing outside the doorstep. She's now 5 months pregnant.

"Zack, I heard about your loss," said Jillian, "So I bought you this wig," Jillian holds out a rainbow colored clown afro wig, "I thought your old hair was boring, so I bought something a little more..."

"Homosexual?" asked Zack.

"Actually I was gonna say festive," said Jillian, "But now that you mention it, it does look kinda gay. Oh well. You want it, anyway?"

"No I don't," said Zack, "I'm going to the pharmacy, and when I get back, that clown wig better be gone!"

"Zack, before you go, I have a question," asked Meg, "Why is Maddie pretending to be a mime trapped in a box?"

"She was making fun of me again so I put her in the box," said Zack as he left.

"Maddie, you can stop doing that," said Meg, "There is no box."

"Hey Meg," said Peter, "Have you seen my- AAAH!" shouts Peter as he trips over the imaginary box, "What the hell?"

At Goldman's pharmacy, Zack runs up to the counter to Mort Goldman.

"Quick! I need the best rogaine money can buy!" said Zack.

"Rogaine?" asked Mort, "Oh you don't want none of that rogaine stuff! It makes you grow your hair too fast and in some of the strangest places. I tried it once and it made my nose hairs grow so big that the mucus couldn't get out. My nose got so stuffy that my sinuses were bothering me for weeks. Oh, it was awful! And I don't think I even need to explain about what happened with my legs!"

"Please don't," said Zack, "Just tell me where it is."

"It's down aisle 5," said Mort.

Zack then looks at all the rogaine products, but can't find anything good enough.

"Dammit! I need something that'll work, NOW!" said Zack before eyeing on a dusty bottle, "Growgaine? Grows hair overnight! That's it! Mort, I'll take it!"

Zack then walks to the counter to pay for the Growgaine. Back at the house at dinner...

"I'm back everybody!" said Zack as he entered the room.

"Oh, hello Za- Oh my goodness!" said Lois.

To everyone's surprise, Zack's hair had grown back to the way it was. Even his goatee returned.

"Zack!" said Meg, "How did you get your hair back so fast?"

"From a little magic bottle known as rogaine," said Zack.

"Rogaine," asked Jillian who was also at the dinner table and wearing the rainbow clown wig, "Don't you remember what mom said about rogaine? Rogaine is no gain."

"Mom said the same thing about boob enhancements but you got those anyway," said Zack.

"Ah, touchie" said Jillian.

"Don't you mean, touche?" asked Zack.

"No, it's touchie," said Jillian, "There's an e at the end so that makes it touchie, not touche. Saying it that way just sounds stupid. Even an idiot knows that!"

"Yeah!" said Chris, "Even _I_ know that!"

Everyone else then looks at each other.

"Wow, those kids are really gonna be screwed over in the brains department when they're born," whispered Brian to Stewie.

"Yeah," said Stewie, "Big time."

"Hey, that's great!" said Peter, "You think I could use that rogaine stuff? I wanna try it out on my bush. Hehehehehehe! I said bush."

"I'm glad that your hair grew back," said Meg, "I was thinking that maybe we could... you know... "celebrate" tonight."

"Sweet..." said Zack.

"Hey can we celebrate with you guys, too?" asked Peter.

"Um, Peter," said Lois, "I think they meant-"

"No, Lois! I know exactly what they mean," said Peter, "So, what kind of food will you guys be having?"

"Lots," snickered Zack, "Some whipped cream, some "cherry", some "cookies", and even a "weener". Hehehe..."

"Weener?" asked Peter, "Lois! I want weener!"

"Um, dad, he means-" said Meg.

"No, Meg!" said Peter, "I'm not letting you have that weener! I want Zack's weener!"

Zack and Meg then burst into laughter at Peter's comment.

"What's so funny?" asked Peter, "I want that weener! I want it bad! I want it NOW!"

Zack and Meg then fell rolling on the floor lauging out loud(or ROTFLOL in geek speak.).

"Peter, when they said "celebrate" they mean," said Lois as she whispered the rest into Peter's ear.

"Oh... OH!!! OH NO!!!" shouted Peter, "OH! OH GOD NO!!! NO!! NO!!! NO!!! OH DEAR GOD NO!!! NO!!! JUST... NO!!!"

Peter then left to throw up in the bathroom.

"So..." said Lois, "Can I join instead?"

Zack and Meg look on wide eyed. The next morning, Zack wakes up and walks to the mirror. He looks on to see that along with his goatee, he had a very hairy mustache.

"What the hell? A _full_ beard?!?!" he asked, "I hate full beards. They make me look Mexican... wait, did _I_ say that?"

Zack shaves off the mustache, but it instantly grows back. Then suddenly, his armpit hairs grow out.

"Oh my god!" said Zack ,"Now I look like a _French_ Mexican!... French Mexican? Meg!!! Come here!"

"Zack, what's wrong?" asked Meg as she looked at Zack's full beard and armpit hairs, "Oh my god! You look like a French Mexican! Wait, what?"

"Meg, something wierd's happening to my hair," said Zack, "I tried to shave it, but it grew back!"

"Really?" asked Meg.

"Just look what's in my pants!" said Zack.

"Oh my god!" said Meg, "I can't find it anywhere!"

"That's because it's covered in hair!!!" said Zack, "Meg, WE'VE JUST LOST MISTER BIGS!!!"

"Why don't we just have breakfast," said Meg, "I'm sure it's nothing worry about."

Later at the breakfast table, everyone is trying to have breakfast but can't help but notice Zack's new mountain man beard, hairy arms, enlonged neck hairs, and unibrow.

"My god," said Brian, "You look like a muppet."

"Really? Which one?" asked Zack.

"You know," said Brian, "That green one."

"Bert?" asked Lois.

"No, he's the yellow guy with the tuft of hair, one eyebrow and, lives with Ernie" said Brian, "I'm talking about That one with the brown eyebrow who's always tells people to scram."

"Harry monster?" asked Meg.

"No he's the blue one with the striped pants," said Brian, "The one I'm talking about lives in a trashcan and has a pet worm named Slimey."

"Kermit the frog?" asked Peter.

"Peter, I won't even answer that one," said Brian.

"AAAARRGGGHHHH!!!" shouted Zack as he began holding his stomache in pain.

"Zack what's wrong?" asked Lois worried.

Zack walked out of the kitchen and into the living room. He looked at his hands in horror to see that hair began to grow all over them. He looked in the mirror and saw that his entire face was covered in hair. At that point, he almost looked like Big Foor... or Al Bundy. You decide. The rest of the family ran to the room to see what was happening to him.

"Zack?" asked Meg as she was terrified.

"HELP ME!!!" shouted Zack in a strained voice as he reached out for her. But he fell to the ground as was completely covered in his own hair.

"What the hell's happened to him?" asked Brian.

"I don't know," said Peter, "But I would say that this is a _hairy_ situation! Hehehehehe!" he laughed, amused by his own joke.

"Peter this isn't funny!" said Lois, "He could be suffocating in that hair! We need to call an ambulance!"

"Or a barber!" said Chris, "Look!"

Zack's hair began to grow and spread out.

"Or a barber?" laughed Peter, "That was great, Chris! Now you try doing a hair joke, Meg!"

"I think Zack's hair is ALIVE!!!" shouted Meg.

"I think Zack's hair is alive?" asked Peter, "Meg that sucked. Didn't that suck, Lois?"

"No, Peter!" said Lois, "I think his hair IS alive!!! RUN!!!"

As the rest of the family try to make their way out of the door while being chased by the hair, Lois trips on one of Stewie's toys.

"Lois!" shouted Peter.

"PETER!!! PETER HELP M- MMMMFFFF!!!" she shouted before she was devoured by the hair.

"LOIS!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!" shouted Peter.

"OH MY GOD!!!" shouted Chris.

"MOM!!!" shouted Meg.

"GRANDMA!!!" shouted Maddie.

"ZACK'S HAIR ATE LOIS!!!" shouted Brian.

"HAHA!!! YES!!! THAT BITCH IS DEAD!" shouts Stewie as everyone looks at him, "I mean. DAMN! That bitch is dead!"

Everyone runs out of the house with the hair chasing after them. The hair then breaks open the side of Cleveland's house where he is taking a bath. The bathtub begins to slide off.

"Not again!" he said, "No! No! No! No! NoNoNoNoNOOOOO!!!" his tub lands sofly on the hair, "Whew! For a second there, I thought I was in trou- AUUUUGHHHH!!!" he shouts as he's sucked into the hair.

"Oh my god!" said Peter, "This is even wierder than what happened at Zack's bachelor party!"

**Flashback.**

Peter, Zack and the guys are at a strip club in Vegas. Quagmire and Cleveland are having a good time, while Zack is feeling uncomfortable.

"I don't think I should be here," said Zack.

"Oh, c'mon!" said Peter, "This could be your last chance to enjoy bachelorhood."

"But Peter, I-"

"Hey, you! The really sexy one!" shouted Peter, "Yeah, my friend here needs a lap dance!"

The girl then starts dancing very close to Zack in a very sexy manner. There was something familiar about her to Zack, and then it hit him.

"MOM?!?!?" he shouted.

She then gasped, stopped dancing, and she covered her mouth in embarrassment.

"Awkward..." said Peter.

**End Flashback.**

"Okay, so we now have evil hair that just keeps on growing and devours people that get in the way," said Brian, "So what do we do, now?"

"Oscar the Grouch," said Maddie.

"THAT'S who I was thinking of," said Brian as he snapped his fingers, "Oscar the Grouch."

"Oh yeah. That sounds about right," said Chris.

"Yeah. How could we have missed _that_ one?" asked Meg.

"I dunno. I still say Kermit the frog was the correct answer," said Peter.

"No it wasn't," said Brian, "Maddie got it right."

"She could be wrong," said Peter.

"No I'm not," said Maddie, "Brian said it was someone who lived in a trashcan, had green hair, and had one eyebrow. Kermit does not fit that description at all."

"Yeah, but Kermit was a good answer, though," said Peter.

"No," said Chris, "Kermit doesn't look anything like Oscar. Besides, Kermit is lovable. Oscar's just a hairy bastard."

"Well, they're both green, aren't they?" asked Peter.

"Yes, but Oscar is fuzzy," said Stewie, "Kermit is a _frog_. How you can mistake a frog for a grouch? A GROUCH!!!"

"I'T'S NOT FAIR!!!" cried Peter, "I'M NEVER RIGHT!!! I'M ALWAYS WRONG!!! ALWAYS!!!"

Peter then covers his eyes and starts sobbing like a baby.

"Grandpa!" said Maddie, "Grandpa, it's- Grandpa! Grand- Grandpa, it's alright! It wasn't a constest. Nobody is always wrong."

"Really?" asked Peter.

"Except you, fatman!" said Stewie as Peter cried louder. Maddie gave Stewie an angry look, "What?"

"Look, I'd hate to spoil the moment," said Meg, "But my husband's now a hellbent hair monster that could destroy the town! We need to do something!"

"Oh, right! That thing," said Peter, "Say, Meg. How would you feel about getting a NEW husband?"

"No!" said Meg, "I love Zack and I'm going to find a way to save him!"

"And just how are we going to do that?" asked Brian, "His hair's still growing at an alarmingly fast rate."

"Well... Maybe we should go to the pharmacy and see if they have something to reverse the effects," said Chris.

"No that's stupid," said Peter, "I know! We'll wear funny hats and bell bottoms!"

"And how is that going to stop Zack's hair?" asked Brian.

"I dunno," said Peter, "But it'll be hella funny!"

"Let's go with Chris's idea," said Meg.

"Wait! I have a better idea!" said Peter, "We'll wrap ourselves in bubble wrap with polka music playing in the background, and-"

"Somebody tape his mouth shut," said Brian.

Stewie and Meg hold onto Peter while Chris tapes his mouth shut. Later at Goldman's pharmacy...

"Mr. Goldman! What was that rogaine you sold Zack?" asked Meg.

"It was a product called Growgaine," said Mort, "It's been recently discontinued due to it mutating the hair to grow at an alarming rate until it covers the entire Earth!"

"So... Do you know how to stop it?" asked Brian.

"Oh that's easy!" said Mort, "You just-"

Suddenly, the hair breaks throught the window and starts to cover the floor quickly. It quickly devours Mort.

"OH GOD!!!" he shouts, "IT'S IN MY NOSE!!! IT'S IN MY NOSE!!! OH, THE MUCUS!!!"

"RUN!!!" shouts Brian as he picks up Maddie who was eying through different hair products and runs along with the rest of the family.

Meanwhile on the news...

"In other news," said Tom Tucker, "There has apparently been reports of people being sucked into a mysterious wave of blonde hair."

"That's right, Tom," said Diane, "We now go live wo Ollie Williams to explain more on the situation. Ollie?"

"AAAAAAUUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!" Ollie screams as he is quickly devoured by the hair.

"Thank you, Ollie," said Tom, "Now we go live to Trishia Takanawa who is on the scene."

"Thank you, Tom," said Tricia as there was chaos and panic going on in the background, "As you can see, Quahog is in a state of peril because of this crisis. Sir, how has this affected you?"

"Oh, well it hasn't really affected me at all," said Bruce the performance artist, "I just figured that if you don't bother it, then it won't bother you, like bees. You see bees don't really mean to sting you because they're mean. No, they do it because somebody bothered them so it's not really they're fault. They just really want to be left alone and collect pollen, cause that's what bees do," the hair comes by and devours him, "Oopsies! I was wrong! Oh Nooooo!"

"Oh my god!" said Trishia scared as the hair started to coil around her, "I'm starting to see everything, now! Sending Ollie and I into doing the dangerous field work, while Tom and Diane sit their WHITE asses in a safe and cozy studio. Well, before I go, there's something I've always wanted to say. F(bleep) YOU, TOM AND DIANE!!! THAT'S RIGHT!!! OLLIE AND I ALWAYS SPAT LOOGEYS ON YOUR TACOS WHEN WE GAVE THEM TO YOU AND WE'D LAUGH WHEN YOU EAT THEM!!! AAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHH!!!!"

The screen then goes to static.

"You just keep hawking to loogeys, Tricia," laughed Tom. He then gets a message from a co worker, "Really?" he asks quitely, "Say, Diane. How would you like to be head anchor for a while? I'm going to, uh, get a soda."

Tom takes a few steps and then runs the rest of the way.

"Really?" asked Diane, "Well it's about damn time! In other news, a child is hit by a wreckless drunk driver. The child was only 7 when this happened and-" the windows then break, "What, the-? NO!!! STAY BACK!!! NO!!! HELP!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!! AAAAAUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!" she shrieks in a blood curdling shriek as the hair devours her and the screen goes, please stand by.

Back to the Griffins, everybody is still running away from the hair. Stewie ends up dropping Rupert and watches helplessly as Rupert is devoured by the hair.

"RUPERT!" shouted Stewie, ""That's it, you retched fiend! I don't care if you were Meg's life partner! You're going down!"

Stewie then pulls out some clippers and leaps towards the growing hair.

"Stewie! Don't!" shouts Maddie.

"I shall show you no mercy!" said Stewie. The hair then quickly knocks away his clippers, "MERCY!!! MERCY!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHOW ME MERCY!!! AAAAAHHHH!!!"

Stewie is then devoured by the hair.

"STEWIE!" shouts Peter.

"You know, I should feel bad for the kid," said Brian, "But for some reason, that was _very_ satisfying for me to watch."

The rest of the family runs as the hair begins to grow again. They later make their way to Jillian's apartment. They bang frantically on the door.

"Who's there?" she asks.

"Peter, Meg, Brian, Chris and Maddie!" shouts Peter.

"Peter, Meg, Brian, Chris and Maddie who?" she asks.

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LET US IN!!!" shouts Peter.

"You know, that's not a very funny knock knock joke," said Jillian, "I'm not going to let you in until you try a better one."

"Oh come on!" said Brian annoyed.

"Yeah! Our _lives_ are at stake here!" said Meg.

"No exceptions," said Jillian.

"Okay," said Peter, "Let's see... um... let me think for a moment... uh... Oh! I got one! Okay, here goes: Knock knock!"

"Who's there?" asked Jillian.

"Yodeleyhe."

"Yodeleyhe who?"

"Quit yodelin' and let me in," said Peter playfully.

"Okay... that was funny ho ho," said Jillian, "I want funny ha ha. Okay, now let's try it again."

"Hmmmm... okay," said Peter, "Let's see what else I've got... Uh, let's see... I could say orange you glad I didn't say banana, but who hasn't heard that one before... heh, this is gonna take a while..."

"Oh, that's it!" said Brian irritated as he, Meg, and Maddie used Chris as a battering ram and broke down the door..

"Ha ha ha!" laughed Chris, "Being a battering ram tickles!"

"What did you guys need?" asked Jillian.

"Jillian, your brother just turned into a hair monster and he's destroying the tow-" said Brian before he noticed something, "Why the hell are you still wearing that stupid wig?"

"It makes me happy," said Jillian, "I just love how all the colors are lined up together. It sort of looks like a rainbow."

"Cool!" said Chris, "Can I wear it?"

"NO!" screamed Jillian, "_MY_ RAINBOW WIG!!!"

"Fine," said Chris, "No need to be a rainbow haired bitch about it."

Then suddenly, the hair breaks through the walls and creeps through the open door.

"Oh no!" said Brian.

"Oh no!" said Meg.

"Oh no!" said Peter.

"Oh no!" said Maddie.

"Oh yeah!" said... Macho Man Randy Savage as he broke through the other wall.

Everybody then looks at each other in confusion.

"What?" asked Randy Savage.

"Oh, it's nothing," said Brian, "It's just... well, we were expecting somebody else."

"Oh my gosh!" said Jillian, "It's Hulk Hogan!"

"WHO SAID THAT?!?!?" shouted Randy Savage as he began foaming at the mouth.

"He did, Hulk Hogan!" said Jillian as she pointed to Peter.

"Jillian, that's Macho Man Randy Savage," said Chris.

"I knew that," said Jillian.

The hair then devours Randy Savage.

"Oh my gosh!" said Jillian, "It ate Nacho Man Hulk Hogan!"

"Quick!" said Brian, "To the fire escape!"

As everyone rushed to the fire escape, Jillian trips and falls. The hair then moves closer to her!

"Jillian!" shouts Chris as he runs back for her. Before the hair can get her, Chris fends it off with an afro pick, "Get away from her! Jillian, get out of here!"

"But, Chris!" said Jillian.

"I said go! I can't hold it off much longer!" said Chris as the hair slapped off the afro pick, "Tell our kids I died a hero! AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"

Jillian then joins the others at the fire escape.

"What was I supposed to tell our kids, again?" asked Jillian.

"I think he said something about eating breakfast," said Peter.

As they run through the stairs off the fire escape, the hair starts to grow towards them. They then get to the roof where they are surrounded by hair. There is no way they can escape.

"Well, looks like this is it," said Peter, "I just wanted to that I've loved each and every one of- HAHAHAH, oh I couldn't say that with a straight face. Seriously, though. This is the end."

As the hair came up closer to them, it suddenly stopped and began shrinking.

"What's happening?" asked Jillian.

As the hair shrunk, everyone it took was spat out.

"Lois! Stewie!" said Peter as he ran up and hugged them, "You're alive!"

"Chris!" said Jillian as she ran up to hug him.

"Hey, where's Zack?" asked Meg.

The hair shank until Zack was revealed under it. It had went back to normal, and Zack's hair was back to the way it was before.

"How did the hair shrink?" asked Meg.

"Oh, that was me," said Maddie, "I just used the hair remover I got from the pharmacy."

Meg then quickly covered Maddie's eyes as Zack finally stood up.

"Hey guys," said Zack, "Where are we? Why is everybody on a rooftop? And why is it so breezy?"

"Um, Zack," said Meg, "You're... um... naked."

"Huh?" asked Zack as he looked down at his thin but somewhat muscular body and quickly covered himself, "OH MY GOD!!!"

All the women of Quahog(except Jillian, of course) stared at Zack's body.

"Whoa," said Diane, "Look at that fine ass!"

"And those abs..." drooled Tricia.

"And Meg gets that every night?!?!?" asked Connie.

"And just look at the size of his- Oh my god! This is just too good to be true!" said Lois.

"Well don't just stand there!" said Zack, "Do something!"

All the women then pulled out cameras and began to take pictures of him. The males, however, hung their heads in shame. Then Kool Aid Man bursts through a wall.

"Oh yeah!" he said.

"Sorry, Kool Aid Man," said Peter, "You're kinda late."

"Really?" he asked, "I tried to get here as fast as I could, but there was traffic like everyone and stuff!"

"Yeah, and someone already filled in for you," said Meg, pointing to Randy Savage.

"Oh yeah!" said the Macho.

"Oh yeah!" said Kool Aid Man.

"Oh yeah!"

"Oh yeah!"

"Oh yeah!"

"Oh yeah!"

"OH MY GOD, JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!!!" shouted Stewie.

**End Chapter.**


	29. Revenge of the Lobster

**Chapter 29: Revenge of the Lobster**

(A/N: Credit once again goes to Snake Screamer for the idea, just the Lobster idea, though. The subplots were mine. Anyway, thanks again, Snake Screamer!)

Somewhere in a dark alley, two dark figures were having a discussion.

"You and I basically want the same thing," said one of the figures, "If you can do this task... I

will give riches beyond your wildest dreams."

"And just what is this job that you want me to do?" asked the other figure.

"I want you to destroy... THIS man!!!" he said as held out a photo with Zack and Meg on it.

"Consider it DONE!!!" said as he took out his lobster claw and pinched up Meg on the photo.

"NO NO!! The other one!" said the figure, "The one NEXT one you just crushed!"

"Oh, right! My bad," he said as he crushed Zack on the photo.

Meanwhile The Griffin family where going on a trip to Lois' parents' house for a visit. Everyone was excited, except Peter and Zack. Peter, because he hated Lois' dad, and Zack, because he was nervous about meeting Meg's grandparents.

"Zack, I'm sure my parents will like you," said Lois.

"No they won't," said Zack, "I don't look anything like some model rich boy with a... ugh... "proper" haircut."

"Don't worry," said Meg, "Just be yourself and everything will be fine."

"It's too bad that Chris couldn't come," said Lois, "I wonder why?"

"He said something about needing to help Jillian in her time of need or something," said Peter, "It sounds like a lot of bull if you ask me."

Meanwhile in Quahog, Chris is driving really fast in Jillian's car(even though he's only 14) to get her to a hospital. Yup, she's finally having the baby.

"CHRIS!!! IT HURTS!!! WHAT'S HAPPENEING TO ME?!?!?" she screamed.

"YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE THE BABY!!!" shouted Chris as he was trying to drive.

"WHAT?!?!? BUT WHAT ABOUT THE STORK AND THE BABY FACTORY AND..."

"THOSE WERE ALL LIES!!! JUST KEEP BREATHING!!! WE'RE ALMOST AT THE HOSPITAL!!!" Chris then looks outside and see's a sign, "Jillian. Can I ask you something?"

"What...is it?" she said between breaths.

"Where's "Now Leaving Quahog"? I can't find it anywhere on this darn map," said Chris.

Jillian then screamed out loud. Meanwhile back in the Griffins' car.

"Hey, what the hell was that?" asked Peter.

"I dunno," said Zack, "I think it was the engine."

The family then finally make it to the Pewterschmidt mansion. They make their way to the living room where Lois hugs her parents.

"Mom! Dad," said Lois.

"Lois, dear," said Babs, "It's good to see you again."

"Hello Lois," said Carter, "So where is that blimpy husband of yours? And where is that husband you keep talking about, Meg?"

"Hey, where _are_ Zack and Peter?" asked Lois.

Then suddenly, a valet parker is thrown through the window of the mansion, with Zack and Peter jumping through it. Zack picks him up and holds him by the arms while Peter proceeds to punch him in the stomache.

"WE REFUSE TO PAY $50 FOR VALET PARKING ONLY FOR YOU TO TAKE IT FOR A JOYRIDE AND SCRATCH THE PAINT JOB!!!" shouted Peter.

Zack then throws the parker onto the ground and kicks him.

"NOW GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!!!" shouts Zack.

"Um... Zack... these are my grandparents," said Meg.

"Whoops," said Zack as he looked at the glass covered floor, "I can fix that. You got any glue?"

"Oh, there's no need," said Carter, "Here, have a seat. Just make yourself at home, Mr. Zack."

"Mr. Zack?" asked Zack, "Hey, I like these folks."

"Peter, why don't you pick this glass up," asked Carter.

"Okay, but I'm gonna need a broom and a dustpan," said Peter.

"Oh no need. You can just pick it up like this," said Carter as he kickd Peter to the ground.

"AAAAUGHH!!! AAAAUUGGGHHH!!!" screamed Peter as his body was covered in glass shards.

"Hey, that was pretty cool!" said Zack.

"Not as cool as this," said Carter, "Oh my god, Peter, you're bleeding! I know how to fix that with an old Pewterschmidt family remedy! Just squeeze some lemon juice on the wounds!"

Carter then squeezes lemon juice, which only irritates Peter's wounds making him scream some more. Carter and Zack just laugh some more.

"Hey, I like this guy!" laughed Zack.

"Daddy, that's enough," said Lois, "Peter, let's just get you to a bathroom."

"Um, mom," said said Meg, "Don't you think it's strange that grandpa took a liking to Zack pretty fast?"

"Come to think of it," said Lois, "It does. He doesn't usually approve of anyone this fast, but well think about it later. Right now I need you to help me remove the glass from your father. Brian, can you watch Stewie and Maddie for us?"

"It's no problem," said Brian, "You know, I really do love to watch the little tyke."

"I know," said Stewie, "I'm awesome."

"And then there's that stupid runt, Stewie," said Brian, "I get tired of watching him, but Maddie being there makes it all worth it."

"Oh, wipe that smug smile off your face," said Stewie to Maddie.

"Great grandpa, where's the bathroom," asked Maddie.

"Oh the bathroom's the 13 room to the right," said Carter, "You're such an adorable little girl. Here's 20 dollars."

"Thank you, Grandpa Carter," said Maddie sweetly.

Stewie then saw Maddie with her $20 and wanted money, too.

"Say, Granfather Carter," said Stewie, "Have you lost weight? I say, that is quite a spiffy tie. Is it new? It goes very well with your spiffy suit. And that well groomed mustache! Oh, you must tell me what kind of conditioner you use."

"What? Oh, hi Stewie," said Carter, "What you wanted something, too? Here you go."

Carter then gave Stewie... a breath mint.

"What the deuce?" he asked.

"Wow, Stewie," said Brian, "You got a breath mint. You really need it, what with all the ass kissing you just did."

"Well played, Brian," said Stewie, "Well played."

Later on, Brian, Stewie and Maddie are on their way to the bathroom... except...

"Um, Maddie," said Brian, "We've just past the 13th door."

"I know," she said.

"...That was the bathroom," he added.

"I know," she said.

"You didn't need to go to the bathroom, did you?" he asked.

"Nope," said Maddie, "I'm trying to look for the hidden vault. I want some of that money."

"What?" asked Brian, "You can't do that! Stealing is wrong."

"As much as I'd hate to admit it, the dog is right," said Stewie, "Now it may already be too late for me, but I will not have my niece becoming some retched thief. Next thing you know, it will lead to you becoming a whore or a politician, or... a polical whore!"

"I'll let you in on the deal," said Maddie.

"And did I mention that this world _needs_ a political whore?" asked Stewie.

Meanwhile, back in the living room, Zack is having a converation with Carter.

"You know, it may seem like I'm a jerk, but I'm actually a very nice guy once you get to know me," said Carter as he took a drink from his champagne glass but promptly spat it out, "YOU CALL THIS CHAMPAGNE?!?!" he shouted at his butler, "THIS IS CRAP!!! I WOULDN'T GIVE THIS TO A CRACK WHORE!!!" he then threw the champagne on the carpet, "NOW CLEAN THAT UP, AND I WANT YOU CLEAN IT BY SUCKING IT OUT OF THE CARPET!!!"

"Yes, Mr. Pewterschmidt," said the Butler as he got on his hands and knees to suck the carper. Carter then put his feet on his back like a foot stool.

"You see," said Carter, "He doesn't know me too well, so I may seem like a jerk to him. If he got to know me better, I'd be nicer."

"Oh, I get it," said Zack, "I think."

"Zack, I only want the best for my granddaughter," said Carter, "And you seem like it, despite your unruly hair and punkish look. It's too bad that Lois couldn't get a decent husband aside from that giant turd with glasses."

"You said it," said Zack, "I mean, the guy is such an idiot and he never seems to take Lois seriously. I, too wonder why does she still put up with him?"

"Say... how do you feel about bigomy?" asked Carter.

"Huh?" Zack asked.

Back in Quahog, Chris gets pulled over by Joe.

"You just sit there," said Chris, "I'll do all the talking. I know how to talk my way out of a ticket."

"Hi there, Chris," said Joe, "Say, do your parents know that you're driving without a license?"

Chris then quickly speeds off in the car.

"WHAT THE HELL?!?!" shouted Joe, "CALLING ALL UNITS!!! WE GOT OURSELVES A CARCHASE!!!"

Joe gets back in his police car and speeds after them.

"I thought you said you knew how to talk your way out of a ticket!!!" said Jillian.

"I choked, okay?!?!" said Chris, "Anyway, do you think you can hold that baby in until we can get to Mexico?"

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!" shrieked Jillian in pain.

"We'll try anyway," said Chris.

Back at the Pewtershmidt Mansion, Brian, Stewie, and Maddie are trying to crack the code to a huge vault.

"Anything, yet?" asked Maddie.

"Nothing," said Stewie, "This lock is tighter than a virgin on Sunday!"

"You know, I could into a lot of trouble for this," said Brian.

"Aha! I cracked it open," said Stewie.

As he opened the vault, all 3 of them saw what appeared to a HUGE room with dollars and gold coins everywhere!

"Last one in is the Fatman's left ass cheek!" said Stewie as he and Maddie ran into the room. They both then dove into the pile of money, "Look at me! I'm Scrooge McDuck! I swim in money and I probably molest my nephews at least once a week!"

"C'mon in, Brian!" said Maddie, "The money's fine. A little cold, though. And the coins can be pretty hard. It gets pretty annoying when they get stuck between your toes, too. In fact, I've got a dime up my nose right now, but who cares? It's money!"

"We're not supposed to be here," said Brian, "Get out of that money right now!"

"But Brian, haven't you've always wondered what it's like to swim in money?" asked Maddie.

Brian then thinks for a moment.

"CANNONBALL!!!" he shouts as he dives into the money. He then rises back up to the surface and begins pouring coins on himself, "MINE!!! MINE!!! AAAAALLLL MIIIIINE!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

"Just imagine if we had all this money," said Maddie.

"Yeah..." said Stewie.

Brian imagines himself in a huge mansion surrounded by beautiful women feeding him grapes.

Maddie imagines herself in a mansion being surrounded by hunky men feeding her grapes.

Stewie imagines herself in a mansion being surrounded by hunky men feeding him grapes. Oh, and he's ruler of everything. One of the men tries to eat a grape for himself, but Stewie quickly vaporizes him with his ray gun.

"Oh, I wish Carter would stop leaving his vault open," said Babs as she proceeded to shut it and lock it, "There."

"What the heck just happened?" asked Stewie, "I can't see my money!"

Brian then goes up to the vault door and tries to open it, but it won't budge.

"Oh, crap! It's stuck!" said Brian.

"You mean we're trapped here?" asked Maddie.

"I suppose it's not all bad," said Stewie, "We do have plent of money and all that matters. Remember, money is very important."

"NOT IF YOU CAN'T SPEND IT!!!" said Maddie.

"My god, you're right!" said Stewie, "It's just useless green paper, now!!! LET US OUT!!!"

They all then started shouting for help from inside the vault. Meanwhile in the bathroom, Lois and Meg are still trying to remove glass shards from Peter.

"Hey, Meg," said Peter, "I think there's one stuck on my left buttcheek. Could you pull it out?"

"This better not be a trick," said Meg, "The second I reach there, you'll fat on my hand!"

"No trick this time," said Peter.

Meg then tried to reach for the glass shard but Peter then let's out a big nasty fart.

"EEEEEWWWW!!! DAD!!!" shouted Meg.

"HAHAHAHA!!! Lois, she fell for it again!" laughed Peter.

"Oh Peter!" laughed Lois, "You're just awful!"

"Whatever," said Meg annoyed, "I'm gonna go wash my hand in the other bathroom."

After washing her hands in the other bathroom, she notices a notebook on the sink.

"What's this?" she asked as she took a look on, "Grandpa's to do list? Prod at the blimp... Pretend to be Zack's friend? Make a rap music video under the alias "MC Carter"? Kill Zack? OH MY GOD!!! Grandpa wants to make a rap music video! And what kind of a name is MC Carter? Eww! Wait! He also wants to kill Zack! I have to warn hi- MMMMMFFF!!!" she screamed as a mysterious man from behind her used one of Peter's socks to cover her mouth. She then slowly lost consciousness and fell limply to the ground.

Back in Quahog, Chris and Jillian were still being pursued by the cops in the streets of Quahog.

"Chris! Their gaining on us!" said Jillian, "AND THE BABY'S COMING!!!"

"I'll try to lose them in the alley!!!" said Chris, "Just keep holding that baby in!"

"I CAN'T!!!" Jillian screamed, "CHRIS, FORGET THE COPS!!! JUST GET ME TO A HOSPITAL!!! **NOW!!!**"

"Oh, okay then," said Chris as he parked in front of the hospital which just so happened to conveniently be there.

"That's it?" she asked, "No long police chase of us trying to get to the hospital?"

"Nope," said Chris.

"Wow, that's just so anti-climactic," said Jillian.

"I know," said Chris, "I'm pretty disappointed, too. Now let's just get you to the emergency room."

Joe and the however were still speeding, and unfortunately for him, he happened to pass them.

"What the?" said Joe as he looked at the road, "OH MY GOD!!! HIT THE DECK!!!"

To his horror he saw on the road, a lone soda can. He and his partner then jumped out of the car. The can and the car made contact and nothing happened. Then seconds later the car exploded.

"DAMN YOU 7UP!!!" shouted Joe to the sky, "DAAAAAAMN YOOOUUUUUUU!!!!!"

Back at the Pewterschmidt Mansion Zack is playing video games in the game room when Carter walks in.

"Where the heck did you just go?" he asked.

"Oh, I just had to take care of some business," said Carter, "Somebody was getting a bit... too nosey."

"About what?" he asked.

"Nothing," he quickly said, "Say, do you think MC Carter is a good rap alias?"

"Mmmm... No, I don't," said Zack.

"Oh," said Carter, "What do you think sounds better?"

"Why?" asked Zack.

"Oh no reason," he said, "I'm definitely not going to try to make a rap video! Oh no. I was just curious."

"Well... you could try Grand Master C," said Zack.

"Grand Master C... Hey... I kinda like it," said Carter as the front door then had a knock, "Oh could you get that? I'll bet it's for you."

"Hello?" asked Zack as he walked to the door. His face was then met by a large red clawlike fist that sent Zack flying to the other side of the room, "Ouch... What the hell?!?!"

"Well, well, Zack," said the large Lobster man in pants and an open shirt, "We meet again."

"Meet again?" asked Zack in confusion, "What are you talking about?"

"Aww, don't tell me you don't remember," said the Lobster, "Remember that night at the resteraunt? I was the lobster."

Inside Zack's mind, he could remember images of the lobster attack from that night.

"But that's impossible!" said Zack, "It was a small lonster I tossed it into the pot! It died that night!"

The lobster then punched Zack again onto the ground.

"Carter... help me up," said Zack.

"Sure thing, Zack," said Carter as he helped and then grabbed his arms as the lobster started pummeling him.

"OW!!! WHAT THE HELL!?!?" shouted Zack.

"You didn't think I really wanted to be your friend, did you?!?!?" said Carter, "Although I am gonna take your Grand Maser C idea. That was actually good."

How could you!?!?" said Zack ,"I'm your granddaughter's husband, for god's sake!"

"That's exactly why!!!" he said angrily, "I simply refuse to have a Pewterschmidt by blood being related to a commoner such as yourself! That's why I'm going to have this lobster fight you to the death! Because not only will it kill you, it's also because the thought of a giant lobster killing a man in unarmed combat is hilarious!"

"I want to know how did that lobster get so big?" asked Zack.

"Well after you left that resteraunt and left me in the pot to die," he continued, "I was later served to the Pewterschidts as dinner."

"That was then when I noticed something in the lobster's eyes," said Carter, "He had a thirst for revenge. So instead of eating him, I had my scientists bring him back to life. With technology we wanted to make him faster... stronger!!! Then we said screw it and just gave him a rediculous amount of steroids to speed up the process."

"From that day, I was no longer an ordinary lobster," he said, "I am now called, Lobster!"

"...Lobster?" asked Zack, "That's it?"

"What?" he asked, "What's wrong with Lobster."

"Nothing, but it's just that you're already a lobster," said Zack.

"Don't you want a better name," asked Carter, "You know, like maybe Super Lobster?"

"No... I think Lobster's just fine," said Lobster.

"How about... The Pinchazoid?" asked Zack.

"No, I, I like Lobster," said Lobster, "It's pretty self explanatory."

"Couldn't you try Big Red?" asked Carter.

"You know, I've always though the Red Menace was a cool name," said Zack.

"No, guys just stop," said Lobster.

Then everybody began talking all at once for a moment.

"No! NO!!! LOBSTER IS FINE, OKAY!!!", shouted Lobster, "I chose it, and that's what we're gonna stick by!!!"

"Okay, then Lobster it is," said Zack.

"Are you sure you don't want Big Red?" asked Carter.

"No, Lobster is fine, Carter," said Lobster.

"Alright then," said Carter as he Zack and Lobster just stood there for a moment, "So what were we just doing?"

"Um, I don't know," said Lobster, "Uh, I think we having a fight about something."

"Yeah... you guys were having some sort of evil dialogue going on," said Zack.

"Oh yeah! My origin story," said Lobster, "Where was I on that?"

"You were at the end when you decided to call yourself Lobster," said Zack, "Then we got into that conversation."

"Yeah, now I'm starting to remember," said Carter.

"Okay, okay, here goes," said Lobster, "And now! I shall kill you just like- PPPPFFFTTT!!! Hahaha!! I can't do it man! I can't keep a straight face."

"Oh c'mon, man!" laughed Zack, "We need to keep the fic rolling."

"Okay, just let me get my serious face, here," said Lobster, "And now, I will kill- BWAHAHAHA!!! I still can't do it! Carter keeps making faces over there!"

"Carter! Cut it out, man!" laughed Zack, "Oh great, now you got ME laughing!"

"Okay, I'll stop it, now!" said Carter, "Wait, I just got an idea!" he said as he left the room and came back, "We'll do this scene while wearing sombreros. This'll totally freak the readers out!"

They all then put on sombreros.

"Okay, and go!" said Carter.

"And now!" said Lobster, "I will kill you, just like you killed me those many nights ago!"

"Bring it on, Lobster!" said Zack as they both got into a fighting stance.

Peter and Lois then enter the living room to see Zack and Lobster about to go at it.

"What the hell?" asked Lois, "Daddy can you explain- PPPFFFTTT!!! Why are you guys wearing sombreros?" she laughed.

"I know," said Carter, "Don't we just look silly?"

"Oh I know!" said Peter, "That was pretty good."

"Seriously, though," said Lois, "Daddy, what is a giant lobster doing here facing Zack?"

"Oh, they're just about to have a fight... TO THE DEATH!!!" said Carter.

Zack and Lobster then both leapt into the air making out battlecries. As they are both about to engage in a brutal fight, we must now go back to Quahog where Jillian is about to give birth. Sorry.

"PUSH!!!" shouted Dr. Hartman, "PUSH!!!"

"PUSH!!!" shouted Chris, "PUSH WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT!!!"

"The Patriots fumble the ball!" said the announcer on the hospital TV.

"Dammit!" shoutes Dr. Hartman, "HOW COULD YOU DROP THE FREAKING BALL?!?!?"

"Oh, this is just embarrassing," said Chris as he put his fingers between his eyes.

"Um, hello?" asked Jillian, "I need help giving birth!"

"Yeah in a minute!" said Dr. Hartman, "We'll be there during the halftime show."

"DOCTOR!!!" screamed Jillian in pain.

"Jillian, we can't hear the TV while you're screaming," said Chris, "Could you please keep it down?"

Meanwhile in the Pewterschmidt vault, Brian, Maddie, and Stewie are still trapped.

"So..." said Stewie, "You think we're missing anything important?"

"Nah," said Maddie, "It's not like my dad is about to go in hand to hand combat to the death against a pumped up lobster named Lobster all concocted by grandpa."

"Yeah," said Brian, "That would just be crazy."

"Yeah...," said Stewie, "You what I haven't had in a while? Boston Baked Beans."

"Oh yeah, that's the good stuff," said Maddie.

"You said it," said Brian, "Boston Baked Beans. You know, they're not really beans. They're just peanuts wrapped in a sweet coating."

"Yeah, but they look like beans, though," said Maddie, "If we ever get out of here, let's get us some Boston Baked Beans."

"Oh yeah, that's good," said Stewie, "Can't wait to get me some Boston Baked Beans."

Back in the living room, Zack and Lobster were engaged in combat. At first, they kept parrying and dodging each other's attacks until Lobster gets a head shot. Zack tries to take a swing, but Lobster ducks and uppercuts him in the chin which makes Zack back up into a wall. Lobster then starts pummeling Zack against the wall. Zack then then stumbles onto a couch. Lois then puts a wet towel on Zack's forehead while Peter starts rubbing on his shoulders.

"How many fingers am I holding?" asked Lois.

"Hey, quit movin' Peter," slurred Zack which made him sound like Rocky Balboa, "I don't think I can take 'em. He's just too fast!"

"You're a bum, Zack!" said Peter, "Now get out there and knock him out!"

Zack then slowly gets up from the chair and stumbled towards Lobster, Zack tried to throw a punch at him, but falls unconscious.

"Lobster Wins!" said Peter in a deep demonic voice, "Flawless Victory!"

"Peter, cut that out," said Lois.

Zack then got up and proceeded to dust himself off.

"Okay, call it," said Zack as he got into another fighting stance.

"Round 2," said Peter, "FIGHT!"

Zack then proceeds to pull out an awesome 10 hit combo on the Lobster that went X, left, Square, Right, Triangle, Triangle, and the rest he used cheat codes. This took out half of Lobster's energy.

"Not bad," said Lobster, "But can you handle THIS?"

Lobster then proceeded to use his special move known as the flying claw which shot out an image of a claw towards Zack. Zack however ducked, and used his special move which involved him shooting out a roped spear at Lobster. He then pulled on the rope and shouted...

"GET OVER HERE!!!" as he then uppercut Lobster with the free hit. As Lobster got up, Zack proceeded to own his ass with another 10 hit combo which depleted the rest of Lobster's energy.

"Zack wins!" said Peter, "Flawless victory!"

"Okay..." said Lobster, "You caught me off gaurd, that time. Here comes the tie breaker!"

"Oh let me say it this time!" said Lois as she jumped up and down.

"Um okay..." said Peter.

"Round 3," said Lois, "FIGHT!!!"

Lobster and Zack got into a different kind of fight mode: DBZ fight mode. They proceeded to fight each other at lightning speed dodging and parrying attacks while disappearing and reappearing at random places. Lobster then did a double sledgehammer knocking Zack all the way back to the streets of Quahog. The Lobster then flew in at high speed. Zack grabs Lobster by the leg and throws him into a building that collapses. He then begins shooting a wave of ki energy balls at the spot where Lobster was. Lobster was behind him and punched him the stomache and delivered a round house kick that sent him hurling into a car. People began screaming and ran out from the area. He then throws a huge energy wave that creates a giant energy dome that obliterates that particular area.

When the smoke clears, Zack is still standing as if he was unscratched. And since this is a parody of a Dragonball Z fight, this could take a while.

**Several Episodes Later...**

Now Zack having reached Super Saiyan 10 and Lobster having reached his 100th form have taken the fight to outer space. They proceed to pummel each other at high speed until Zack knocks Lobster into the Earth's atmosphere where Zack follows him.

Meanwhile back in the Pewterschidt Mansion, Peter, Lois, and Carter have gotten bored and are now playing cards.

"You got any threes?" asked Carter.

"Go fish," said Peter.

"Got any ones?" asked Lois.

Suddenly, Lobster crashes through the wall and is bloodied up. Zack then walks towards Lobster's mangled body and then collapses.

"Whoa," said Peter in amazement, "Look at the size of that lobster!"

"I'm not... going to... ever... do that again..." breathed Zack.

Meg then finally ran into the room.

"Zack!!! I'm here to warn you that grandpa wants to ki-" said Meg before she noticed the wreckage, "Never mind."

"Meg, where the heck where you?" asked Zack.

"I was in the other room tied and gagged," she said, "I remember being knocked unconscious by a very bad smell."

"Hey, Mr. Pewterschmidt is that one of my socks?" asked Peter.

"Um, no," he quickly said as he stuffed it into his pocket.

"Alright Carter," said Zack as he grabbed him by the collar, "Your lobster can't save you, now! I think it's time I finished this!"

"What are you doing?!?!" asked Carter.

"Something Peter should've done a long time ago!" said Zack.

"Zack don't!" shouted Meg.

"He's my father!" said Lois, "You can't kill him!"

"What?" asked, "No! I wasn't gonna kill him!"

"You're not?" asked Peter, "Then what was it that I should've done to him a long time ago?"

"This," said Zack, "I'M FAMILY NOW SO IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, PISS OFF OLD MAN!!!" Zack then let him go.

"Wow," said Carter, "That actually hurt."

"Daddy, I'm sorry about all of this," said Lois.

"Well, it's alright, pumpkin," said Carter, "I suppose if Meg wants to be with trash then it shouldn't be my business. Besides, he's Peter's problem anyway."

"So does that mean you'll respect us?" asked Peter.

"Hell no!" said Carter, "I'm rich! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a rap video to make."

Carter then put on a do rag and left the room.

"You there's one thing I learned from all this," said Peter.

"That sometimes some people just won't accept you?" asked Lois.

"No," said Peter, "There going to be a Chicken/Lobster tag team fight in a future chapter."

"Oh, yeah," said Meg, "It's going to happen."

Later on, the family returns home to Quahog where they are then greeted by Chris.

"So how was your day, Chris?" asked Lois.

"It was great," said Chris, "And We've got a huge surprise! Jillian?"

Jillian then walked into the room holding two babies. One was a blonde boy and one was a brown haired girl.

"We had twins!" said Jillian.

"Oh my god!" said Meg, "They're so cute!"

"The boy's name is C.J.," said Chris, "That stands for Chris Jr."

"And the girl's name is Tilly," said Jillian.

"Oh, what a couple of cute babies," said Lois, "Just like Stewie and Madeline."

"Wait," said Meg, "Where ARE Stewie and Maddie?"

"And Where's Brian?" asked Zack.

Back in the Pewterschmidt vault at night...

"We're not gonna get those Boston Baked Bean anytime soon are we?" asked Maddie.

"Nnnnnnnnope, I don't think so," said Brian.

"You know, we're missing The Office right now," said Stewie.

"Really?" asked Brian, "Damn! Well, we'll just have to wait for the rerun, then."

"So... how long do you think it'll take for them to notice that we're missing?" asked Maddie.

"A while my friend," said Stewie, "A good long while..."

"So, now what?" asked Brian.

The both just sat there for a few seconds.

"MONEY FIGHT!!!" they all shouted as they then began to throw stacks of money at each other.

**End Chapter**


	30. Rise of the Turkeys

**Chapter 30: Rise of the Turkeys**

In the year 2032, the Earth has become nothing more than a vast wasteland. Billions of lives were lost, and the human race is on the verge of extinction. The cause of this were a bunch of evolved intelligent turkeys. The last hope of survival against this menace was the resistance. One particular member was returning to a secret headquarters located directly under the now deserted Griffin home. She was wearing a white tanktop, with brown camo pants and army boots. She had blonde hair and a scar on her left eye. Her name: Madeline Murdock.

"What happened out there?" asked Hayley Smith.

"We tried to infiltrate the Emperor's base as planned," said Maddie, "But we were ambushed. I managed to make it out."

"W-wait?" stuttered Francine, "Where's Steve?"

Maddie then handed Francine Steve's glasses which where cracked.

"This is what's left of him..." said Maddie, "I'm sorry..."

Francine then held Steve's glasses as tears rolled down her face. She then got onto her knees and began to cry. A young man about Maddie's age who resembled Chris, except that he had stubbly facial hair, entered the room along with his twin sister who resembled Jillian except that she had brown hair in a cropped hairstyle. The young-man wore a blue shirt that had cut-off sleeves and black jeans with army boots. His sister wore a plaid vest with white shirt underneath, and faded blue jeans with white shoes.

"Dammit!" said C.J., "We can't keep fighting like this!"

"He's right!" said Tilly, "We keep losing more and more people! This war is a lost cause!"

"No!" said Maddie, "Remember what we're fighting for! We would be living a normal life if it weren't for these monsters! Your parents would still be alive... and so would my father..."

Maddie then went silent for a moment and looked down at the ground sadly. How she wished that she could see her father again, but he was killed by a pack of angry turkeys... and she was only but a baby then. She remember that day well and how he was killed. She vowed that she would avenge him someday. Then a hand was placed on her shoulder.

"I know," said a now older Meg, "I miss your father, too."

She, Meg, C.J., Tilly and Stewie were the only surviving family members.

"Those white meat bastards!" said Stan, "They should be on a table on Thanksgiving dinner smothered in a rich creamy gravy with cranberry sauce next to some delicious stuffing and mashed potatoes, with Pumpkin and/or Sweet potato pie for dessert all after watching a football game in which the Dallas Cowboys win against the Oakland Raiders! Not them making us our bitches!"

"So true," nodded Maddie.

""We just can't win," said C.J., "No matter what we do, those turkeys are always 2 steps ahead of us!"

"C.J.'s right," said Stan, "It's hopeless. Mankaind is doomed!"

"If only there were some way to prevent this from happening," said Francine.

"I may know of a way," said Stewie as he entered the room. Stewie now had brown hair and was wearing a lab coat, "What I have in my hand is a watch that will allow the wearer to travel back and forward anywhere in time."

"Perfect!" said Tilly, "We can use it to prevent this mess from ever happening."

"But who do we send?" asked Heyley.

"I'll go," said Maddie.

"No," said Stan, "It's too risky. Besides, you're our best operative."

"Well, I did learn from the best," said Maddie.

"By the way," said Hayley, "How come you didn't teach me anything? I'm your own daughter!"

"Because you're still a stupid liberal," said Stan, "That's why."

"Alright," said Stewie, "When you go back to 2007, just remember this: Do whatever it takes to prevent this dreadful future. We can't afford any mistakes. You musn't hold ANYTHING back, no matter what."

"Maddie," said Meg as she hugged her daughter, "Please be careful. You're all I have left..."

Maddie then nods and activate the time watch which makes a portal appear on the wall. The then runs forward and leaps into the time portal...

**25 years back to 2007...**

It was Thanksgiving Day at the Griffin home. Lois was preparing the Thanksgiving feast while Brian, Meg, and Maddie where watching the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special...

**Cutaway to TV**

It's at the part where Peppermint Patty gets all anry about the Thanksgiving feast.

"What's all this?!?!" she said, "Toast? Popcorn? Where's the turkey? The stuffing? The mashed potatoes? You call this a Thanksgiving feast??? You blockhead!!!"

Charlie Brown then gives that good grief look. Then out of nowhere he starts beating on Peppermint Patty.

"WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO, BITCH?!?! HUH?!?! HUH?!?!" shouted Charlie Brown, "YOU'LL EAT WHAT'S THERE AND YOU'LL LIKE IT!!!"

"OH MY GOD!!!" screamed Patty as Charlie Brown hit her some more, "STOP!!! STOP!!!"

"SHUT UP!!!" he shouted, "YOU WANNA END UP LIKE LUCY?!?! HUH?!?! DO YA?!?! SHE PULLED THAT FOOTBALL AWAY FROM AGAIN AND GUESS WHAT? I RAPED THAT BITCH!!!! YOU WANNA GET RAPED??? HUH?!?!?"

**End cutaway.**

"My god," said Brian, "I hate this director's cut version!"

Peter and Zack then came into the room with a bowl of nachos smothered in cheese.

"Okay," said Peter as he changed the channel, "Football game's on! Everyone out!"

"Hey!" said Meg, "We were watching that!"

"Yeah!" said Maddie, "Then we were going to watch the parade!"

"Maddie, this is football," said Peter, "Nobody cares about a bunch of balloons of stupid cartoon characters from way back when, that nobody remembers, like... what's his name... and... who's his face..."

"Zack!" said Meg, "This is Maddie's first Thanksgiving! You can't let her miss the parade!"

"Sorry, Meg," said Zack, "But I've never missed a Thanksgiving football game. That, and I've got money riding on this game. They'll break my legs if my team loses. Besides, she can watch it next year."

"But daddy..." said Maddie.

"I said you'll watch it next year!" said Zack, "Now let me watch the game."

"You know what?" said Maddie, "Go ahead and watch your stupid football, dad! I don't care! In fact, I hope you die!"

"Oooooooooh!" said Peter.

"Maddie!" said Meg, "You don't talk that way to your father! Apologize!"

"No!" said Maddie as she ran up to her room and slammed the door.

"Jeez, what's her problem?" asked Peter.

"Yeah, it's just a parade," said Zack.

"Zack, it's not just a parade to her," said Meg, "Maddie's waited all year for this, but all her hopes got dashed out the window when you wanted to watch football."

"I guess you're right," said Zack, "But I'll make it up to her. Besides, parades come and go. It's not like this year would be the last one."

Meanwhile at the park, two very scruffy looking theives are looking for somebody to mug.

"It's been 2 hours already," said one of the thieves, "And we still haven't mugged nobody."

"Give it time," said he other one, "Some poor sap'll just drop by."

Then as if on cue, a portal appeared in the sky and the 25 year old Maddie dropped from under it, landing in front of the muggers.

"Well, speak of the devil," said the first one.

"Ughh...," she groaned, "Hey! I made it!"

"Alright, lady!" said the 2nd mugger as he pulled out a knife, "hand over your money!"

"Money?" she asked, "I don't got any money!"

"Maybe you can give us something else," said the first one, "Like that gorgeous body of yours."

"Yeah, right," she said, "Whatever."

They then grabbed her arm and drew their knives to to her throat.

"We weren't asking," he said.

_"Great..." _thought Maddie, _"Rapists. Guess we'll just have to do it the hard way..."_

She used her free arm to skillfully knocked the blade away. Then she punched the one who had a grip on her arm and then used her now free arm to punch the other. She then delivered a devestating roundhouse kick that knocked them into a tree.

"Now..." she said, "What were you saying about rape?"

"We were saying that _you_ could rape _us_!" one said fearfully.

Maddie just turned around shook her head in disgust and walked away. Back at the Griffin home in the kitchen, Lois was still preparing the turkey, when Stewie walks into the room.

"You!" said Stewie, "Vile woman! I demand to know why haven't you changed me yet?"

"Oh I'm sorry, Stewie," said Lois, "But right now, mommy is preparing Thanksgiving dinner. Oh we're going to have a big turkey this year."

"Turkey?" asked Stewie, "Wait a minute! That's it!"

Stewie then quickly ran out of the room. Now in downtown Quahog, 25 year old Maddie was walking down the streets in search of her old house in Spooner Street.

"Everything in the city is so lively," she said, "It's hard to remember where the house is when everything isn't destroyed."

She then sees a man walk out of a store holding a frozen turkey. She then begins to scream like a maniac, pulls out her machine gun and blasts holes in the turkey.

"What the hell?!?!" shouted the man, "Why the hell did you do that?"

"Whoops," said Maddie, "Sorry..."

"That was my Thanksgiving turkey, lady!" he said.

"Oh, man I'm sorry," she said, "It's just that everytime I see a turkey it's... GRAAAAAAHHHH!!!!"

She then shoots another passerby's turkey with her machine gun.

"Sorry..." she said again, "It's just that I've had a very bad experience with turkeys and... RRRRRAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!"

She shoots a guy in a turkey suit this time!

"I'm... just gonna leave now," she said as she quickly fled the scene.

In the Griffin basement, Stewie has rounded up a bunch of turkeys and is about to use a mind controlling device.

"With this device," said Stewie, "I will control the turkeys, and use them as my army to rule the Earth! Now, turkeys! The first thing you will do under my control is kill Lois!"

The turkeys just stand there and look at Stewie.

"I said, the first thing you will do is kill Lois!" said Stewie again.

"...gobble?" one asked.

"DAMN!!!" shouted Stewie, "Apparantly, turkeys are stupider than the fatman. I never knew such an animal existed. No matter! I'll just have to make them smarter."

Meanwhile upstairs, Zack and Meg walk into the kitchen.

"Wow, mom," said Meg, "Thanksgiving dinner sure smells good."

"Lois, you shouldn't have to go through all this trouble," said Zack, "I could just take you all out for dinner."

"No," said Lois, "Last time we ate out, it was a disaster. Don't you remember that bad Manhattan clam chowder you ordered?"

**Flashback.**

"Zack, I really think that chowder you ordered is really bad," said Meg.

"Hey, nobody's talkin' to you, bitch!" said the clam in Zack's soup with a brooklyn accent. He then spat on Meg, "You make me sick!"

"HEY!!! Nobody does that to my girl!" said Zack.

"Don't Zack," said Peter, "Just don't. We don't wanna cause any trouble."

"Dat's right!" said the clam, "Unless youse wants dat spoon up da wazoo!"

"Oh yeah?" challenged Zack, "C'mon! Just bring it!"

"You want some a 'dis?" he said, "You want some a 'DIS??? YOU AIN'T WANT NONE A 'DIS!!!"

"Oh that's it!" said Zack as he threw his coat off, "You're going down, punk!"

The clam then jumps out of the bowl as it clamps onto Zack's face and they start making a mess in the resteraunt.

**End Flashback.**

"Hey, I won, didn't I?" asked Zack, "I've never met a seafood that had an ass I couldn't kick! I just need to find a talking catfish and I'll be in business."

"Anyway, how's Maddie doing?" asked Lois.

"She's still pretty upset," said Meg, "She really wanted to watch that parade, but SOMEBODY thought football was more important than our daughter's happiness!"

"Hey, don't throw this on me!" said Zack, "If it's anybody's fault it's yours, Meg.. Think about it. If you didn't raise her hopes up about the parade, me changing the channel wouldn't have upset her as much and I'm talking like an idiot, aren't I?"

Meg and Lois then both nodded. Zack then let out a heavy sigh.

"I really let the kid down, this time," said Zack, "I must be the worst father ever."

"Yes you are," said Peter, "Unlike me who actually cares about his kids."

"Okay then," said Meg, "I need help with my homework, and I was wondering if..."

Peter then cuts her off by putting duct tape onto her mouth.

"Wondering if I could what?" he asked, "Not help you? If so then just mumble."

"MMMMMMMMFFFF!!!!" she tried to scream.

"I thought so," said Peter.

Zack then takes off the tape, then his shoe, then his sock, rams it down Peter's throat and slapped the tape onto Peter's mouth.

"I take back the aforementioned statement," said Zack, "But what should I do about Maddie?"

"Just let her watch the rest of the parade," said Meg, "That should make her feel better."

"You're right," said Zack, "I'm going upstairs right now and we'll watch the parade together."

Peter then starts flailing his arms around like a maniac trying to remove the tape but he's having trouble breathing thanks to the sock jammed in his throat.

"Oh for the love of..." said Zack as he ripped the tape from his mouth.

Peter then spat out the sock and threw up.

"AAAUUGGGHH!!! CHRIST!! WHAT THE HELL?!?!" shouted Peter, "WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOUR FEET?!?!"

I was saving that sock for such an occasion," said Zack, "I've worn it for the past 5 years, never washed it, and I've stepped in some nasty garbage with them on. Worth it."

Back in the basement, Stewie now has a different ray gun in his possession.

"Alright," said Stewie, "With this Evolv-O ray gun, I shall evolve this turkey and make him then general of my army. He will then lead my army in my quest for world domination!"

"I don't think so!" said the older Maddie as she crashed through the ceiling of the basement.

"What the duece?" asked Stewie in confusion, "Maddie? Oh god, I hate it when they make characters age too fast just like on Full House!"

"No!" said Maddie, "I come from the future and I'm here to warn you that you shouldn't evolve those turkeys! It will only lead to disaster!"

"Disaster? Ha!" scoffed Stewie, "I'll bet someone sent you to destroy me before I enslave the Earth!"

"No! That isn't it at all!" said Maddie, "The turkeys! They-"

"Silence!" said Stewie, "We'll se how my evolved turkeys will handle you!"

Maddie then pulls out her gun at Stewie. Stewie is then about to pull out his gun, but Maddie quickly fires it from out of his hand. Maddie then points the gun towards him.

"Now's your chance, Madeline!" said Stewie, "Save your future! Kill me!"

Maddie could feel her heart racing. The fate of all mankind now rested on her next action.

_"Do whatever it takes to prevent this dreadful future." _

"Go ahead and kill your infant uncle!!!"

_"We can't afford any mistakes."_

"One pull of the trigger can end it all!!!"

_"You musn't hold ANYTHING back, no matter what!"_

Maddie's then lowered her arm and hung her head.

"I can't..." she said.

"I knew it!" said Stewie, "Even in the future you're too soft! You still have "feelings". Now you hsall watch as my army rises!"

"NO!!!" shouts Maddie as Stewie fired the Evolve-O ray at the turkeys. They had then evolved into giant humaniod turkeys.

"YES!!!" said Stewie, "Victory is mine! Now, my first command is that you go upstairs and destroy Lois!"

The turkeys just stare at Stewie angrily.

"I gave you fools a command!" said Stewie, "Do as I say!"

"Fools?" said the turkey general, "You're the fool, boy. For generations, my people have been slaughtered by humans for this so-called Thanksgiving. Now the tables have turned."

"I don't think so!" said Stewie as he held out his mind control ray. He activated it, but nothing happened, "What the duece? Nothing happened?"

"When you evolved them, they gained a new brainwave that makes them immune to any type mind control," said Maddie.

"Oh...," said Stewie, "OH!!! THAT'S why came here! You didn't come to stop me! You came to stop the... turkeys... that _I_... created... DAMN!!!"

"Let's take back what is ours!!!" the general shouted as he and the turkey-men grabbed all of Stewie's weapons.

Maddie then carries Stewie and dashes upstairs while avoiding the bullets. Maddie and Stewie both draw their guns and begin shooting at the turkey-men. Meanwhile in the living room, the rest of the family hears the gunshots and run to see Stewie and and some woman resembling Maddie locking the basement door.

"What in the world?!?!" asked Lois, "Peter, she looks just like Maddie!"

"Except, she's an adult!" said Zack.

"Dad?" asked the older Maddie as she stepped towards him..

"Who are you?" asked Meg.

"Mom... Dad... it's me," said Maddie, "Your daughter. I'm from the future."

"This can't be right at all!" said Lois.

"Daddy!" said Maddie as she hugged Zack and cried, "I thought I'd never get to see you again! I'm sorry!"

"What are you talking about?" asked Zack.

"Maybe I should explain first," she said, "I come from a future where evolved turkeys rule the Earth. Me and a few others are the only surviving humans left on the planet."

"Wait a minute!" said Peter, "You expect us to believe that crap?"

"No, it's all true!" said Maddie.

"I don't know," said Zack, "If you really are Maddie, then what do you know about me?"

"I... I don't really know anything," she said, "You died when I was only a baby. The only thing I do remember is that my last words to you... were that after you wouldn't let me watch something on TV... I said that I hoped that you die."

Maddie then put her hands onto her face and then cried.

"Oh my god!" said Peter, "Lois, would it be considered incest if I imagineded her while having sex with you?"

"Yes Peter," said Lois, "And that's just sick! She's your granddaughter, for god's sake!"

"Yyyeeeah... Well... I might do it anyway. What?!?! She does have a gorgeous body! I mean c'mon! Who wouldn't want to wreck that?"

"I died?" asked Zack, "How did that happen?"

"The turkeys," said Maddie, "They all ganged up on you while you tried to protect me and mom. Me, mom, Stewie, C.J. and Tilly were the only survivors. Everyone else was killed by the turkeys."

"Even me?!?!" asked Peter, "Man that sucks!"

"No, not you," said Maddie, "I shot you in the buttocks out of boredom. Then the other buttocks... then the gonads... and then in the head since you wouldn't stop screaming. It was hella funny."

"...Oh!" said Peter.

"...Yyyyeeeah..." she said.

Chris then comes from upstairs holding a piece of paper.

"Hey everybody!" he said, "Look at this turkey I drew!"

"Chris," said Lois, "That is a very wonderful tu-"

"GET DOWN!!!" shouted Maddie as she pulled out her gun and shot at the drawing. She also accidentally shot some holes in Chris' hat. Everybody stares wide eyed at her. "What?" she simply said, "It was a very horrible drawing. It was evil."

At that moment, the turkey-men burst throught the basement door with guns.

"Alright, men!" said the general, "Slaughter the humans! Make them pay!!!"

The Turkeys start firing everywhere while the family jumps behind the couch. Stewie and Maddie start firing at the turkeys and hitting some of them.

"Stewie!" said Lois as she took the gun away, "Guns are very dangerous! You shouldn't be playing with them!"

"Damn!" said Stewie, "I'm trying to save the Earth from enslavement and all you care about it gun safety?!?!"

"Stewie, why don't you use your "toy" instead" said Maddie as she winked.

"What?" asked Stewie.

"You know, your "toy"?"

"Oh yes, of course!" said Stewie as he pulled out his ray gun and shot at some more turkeys.

Baby Maddie then finally came out of the room and was about to walk downstairs.

"What's all this noise?" she asked.

"Maddie!" shouted Zack as he ran upstairs, "Get back in the room."

A bunch of turkeys then ran up to Zack, grabbed him, and began pecking and beating him with no mercy as bloody was flying everywhere.

"DADDY!!!" she screamed.

"Not this time!" said Adult Maddie as she took her gun and shot some of turkeys off him. She then got rid of the rest in hand to hand combat. She then carried her injured father to Meg's room where she laid him down on the bed, "Dad, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," said Zack, "Is the baby okay?"

"She's fine," said Adult Maddie, "You just take it easy."

Adult Maddie was then about to walk back downstairs until she walked into Baby Maddie who stood in her way. They both just looked at each other for a moment until Baby Maddie broke the silence...

"Who are you?" she asked.

"Oh, you'll know me when you get older," she said as she ran back to downstairs.

Maddie then stood there and watched as her future counter ran downstairs. She then thought for a moment and then smiled.

"YES!!! I ROCK!!!" she shouted.

"Alright!" said Adult Maddie as she got back downstairs, "Let's annihilate those turkeys so that-" she stopped to see that all the turkeys were gone. All that was left were turkey blood covered walls, "What the hell happened? Where are the turkeys?"

"You just missed it!" said Lois, "Peter thought of the most brilliant plan to destroy the turkeys!"

"Yeah, I can't believe how the fatman, saved the entire Earth from enslavemen, all by himself" said Stewie.

"Yeah," said Brian, "His plan was brilliant, yet so simple! Oh man, it's just too awesome to describe with words."

"Yeah you should've seen it," said Peter, "All I had to do was- Oh I can't say it! Me describing it doesn't do it justice! Still you should've been there, though."

"IT'S NOT FAIR!!!" shouted Maddie as she jumped up and down in a tantrum, "IT'S NOT!!! IT'S NOT!!! IT'S NOT!!! I WAS THE ONE WHO WENT BACK THROUGH FREAKIN' TIME!!! I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO SAVE THE WORLD!!! NOT HIM!!!"

"You can save the world next time, honey," said Meg.

"BUT I DON'T WANNA WAIT TILL NEXT TIME!!!" she whined, "I WANNA SAVE THE WORLD, **NOW**!!!"

"Okay, Maddie," said Brian, "Peter didn't use a brilliant plan. He just ate them all with gravy."

"Yeah, but still..." whined Maddie.

"I know it's not much, but how would you like to stay for Thanksgiving dinner?" asked Lois.

"I guess..." she said.

Just then, Jillian came into the house with Tilly and C.J. in her arms.

"Hi, sorry we're late," she said as she then noticed the blood all over the walls, "Was Glen Danzig here a minute ago?"

"Wait, you know who Glen Danzig is?" asked Brian.

"Who's Glen Danzig?" asked Jillian.

"Nevermind," said Brian.

Later on, everybody was sitting at the table getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner.

"Now before we all eat," said Lois, "I think we should all say what we are thankful for most."

"Okay, I'll start," said Stewie, "What I'm most thankful for is being very brilliant and always being the center of attention."

"What I'm most thankful for," said Baby Maddie, "Is that my daddy didn't die today."

"What I'm most thankful for," said Zack, "Is that I have a good family, my long hair, and not having to wear spandex."

"What I'm most thankful for," said Meg, "Is Zack... and Maddie... and I guess that's about it."

"What I'm most thankful for," said Chris, "Is that I was able to score with a hot chick once!"

"What I'm most thankful for," said Jillian, "Is that I'm not a mom... oh wait..."

"What I'm most thankful for," said Brian, "Is that she's Chris' problem now."

"What I'm most thankful for," said Peter, "Is porn. That's right, I said porn."

"What I'm most thankful for," said Lois, "Is that were all here together as a family."

"What I'm most thankful for," said Adult Maddie, "Is that the future is saved and I may someday get over my turkey trauma."

"Okay then," said Lois as she brought the turkey into the room, "Let's eat!"

Adult Maddie then pulled out her gun and shot a bunch of holes into the cooked turkey as everybody else quickly ducked. They all slowly rose from their seats to see a very messed up turkey.

"Whoops," she said.

"So..." said Lois nervously, "Who wants ham for Thanksgiving this year?"

Everybody then quickly raised their hands at Lois' suggestion.

**End Chapter.(And remember to have a Happy Thanksgiving!)**


	31. Dangerous Mind

**Chapter 31: Dangerous Mind**

The day basically started when Maddie was watching TV in the living room with Stewie. They were watching gymnastics and everybody they saw was very very good.

"Did you see that?" asked Stewie.

"I know," said Maddie, "She did a pretty good aerial triple somersault!"

"Just look at the poise! The finesse!" said Stewie, "And those spandex! Oh I have just got to wear them!"

"I want to be a gymnast when I grow up," said Maddie.

"Really? I thought you wanted to be a gun wielding psychopath who hated turkeys when you grow up."

"How about if I become a gun wielding psychopathic turkey hating gymnast when I grow up?"

"I don't see why not," said Stewie, "You know what you should do? When you get a low score from Russia, you shoot the judge in the head. Just shoot him in the head. That'll teach those commie bastards."

Later on upstairs in Meg's room, Stewie and Maddie are dressed up as gymnasts and are about to perform aerial tricks. Stewie is about to go first.

"Now, Maddie," said Stewie, "I'm about to perform an aerial corkscrew, and finish it up with a a reverse somersault while shooting the bird in mid-air. Now watch. Okay? Are you watching? Maddie? You should watch this."

"I'm watching!" she said, "Hurry up! I want to go next."

Stewie jumps off Meg's bed and performs said tricks gracefully while sticking his dismount. He then takes a bow.

"Wow!" said Maddie, "That was amazing! Okay, I'm gonna start small and perform a somersault."

"A somersault?!?!" said Stewie, "What you should do is an upside down triple corkscrew!"

"Really?" asked Maddie, "I don't know if I can do it."

"Oh it's easy!" said Stewie, "You just need to build your momentum."

"Okay..." said Maddie, "Here goes..."

Maddie then takes a small running start and jumps on the bed. At that moment, Meg walks into the room and sees Maddie jumping on the bed.

"Maddie, don't jump on my bed!" said Meg, "It's dangerous!"

"Huh?" she asked confused before she bounced off the bed and banged her head against the mirror on Meg's dresser which shattered. She then landed on her head to the ground. Blood started pouring from her head as she started screaming and crying.

"OH MY GOD!!!" screamed Meg as she saw her baby in horrible pain, "MADDIE!!!"

"What's going on here?" asked Zack as he Lois and Peter ran into the room, "GOOD LORD!!! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!!!"

"SHE'S BLEEDING!!! CALL AN AMBULANCE!!!" screamed Meg.

Peter just stands there as everyone else is waiting for him to make the call.

"Well?!?!" asked Lois.

"I'm still waiting for her to say "please"," said Peter, "You know? Manners?"

"If you don't call right now, you might wanna make that TWO ambulances," said Zack angrily as he grabbed Peter by the shirt collar.

"Really?" asked Peter, "Who else needs one? Chris? Stewie? Brian? Quagmire? Cleveland? Joe? Herbert? Jillian? Mort? Tom Tucker? Diane Simmons? Tricia Takanawa? Ollie? Lois? Meg? You? Me? Who?"

"JUST CALL THE DAMN AMBULANCE!!!" shouted Lois.

Later on at the hospital, everybody is in the waiting room waiting for the condition on Maddie.

"My poor baby," said Meg sadly as she rested her head on Zack's shoulder, "I'm scared!"

"I'm scared too, honey," said Zack as he rubbed his hand on her shoulder, "Let's just pray to god that she's okay."

"You know," said Peter, "I can't help but feel that somehow, this tragedy is all Meg's fault."

You know, I really want to call you an idiot," said Zack, "But I keep forgetting that you need at least _two_ brain cells to be one so I'm gonna just call you a Petard instead."

"Hey, that's funny!" laughed Chris, "You're just like Gallaghar!"

"You think Gallaghar is funny???" asked Zack.

"This is all my fault," said Stewie sadly, "I should never had told the poor girl to do that stupid trick. I'm such an idiot!" said Stewie as he then glanced at Brian, "Ahem! Aren't you going to give me words of confidence. You know, like "Oh don't beat yourself up over this" or "You just made a mistake. It could've happened to anybody"?

"Oh... OH!!! You wanted me to reassure you," said Brian, "...Nnnnnnnno. This is totally your fault. You screwed up big time. You _are_ such an idiot."

At that moment, Dr. Hartman stepped into the waiting room.

"What can you tell us, doctor?" asked Meg.

"I'm sorry I have to tell you this, but she's dead," said Dr. Hartman.

"WHAT?!?! No!!! NO!!!" she screamed as she buried her face into Zack's chest.

"OH MY GOD!!!" shouted Zack as he began to cry, "NO!!! My little girl..."

"Marilyn Monroe," said Dr. Hartman, "She died in 1962 in LA when she committed suicide. I thought you might be interested in knowing. Anyway, this doesn't look good at all!"

"What doesn't look good?" asked Zack worried.

"My mustache," he said, "It doesn't look good. I'm thinking about shaving it. But I'm really worried about are these results..."

"Results?" asked Lois worriedly.

"Oh yes," he said, "Apparently people prefer the Nintendo DS over the PSP. But anyway, I have some very bad news..."

"What? WHAT?!?!" asked Meg.

"Apparently, I didn't save money on auto insurance by switching to Geico," he said, "I chose progressive instead."

"ENOUGH!!!" said Zack angrily as he grabbed Dr. Hartman by the coat, "If you don't cut that bullcrap out and tell me how my daughter is, I'll put you in the emergency room for surgery to remove that stethescope from your ass! YOU HEAR ME!!!" he said as he let him go, "Oh, and all those jokes SUCKED!!!"

"Okay, okay!" said Dr. Hartman, "Your daughter is going to be just fine. She just had a slight concussion and we had to give her stitches on her head. She lost quite a lot of blood, though, so she'll have to stay overnight."

"That's all we wanted to hear, doc," said Peter.

"But what I find strange are these brain patterns we recorded," he continued, "They're unlike anything I've ever-"

"I SAID that's all we wanted to hear, doc," said Peter annoyed. "What? Are you deaf?"

The family walks into the room where Maddie is. She's laying down on the bed watching TV.

"Oh, my special little girl!" said Meg as she hugged her, "We feared that the worst was going to happen!"

"Don't cry, mom," said Maddie, "I'm okay, now."

"How about I fluff your pillow?" asked Lois.

"No need," said Maddie as she fluffed the pillow... without even touching it.

"What in the world?!?!" asked Zack, "How did you do that?"

"Cool, huh?" she asked, "I can move stuff with my brain. Watch."

Maddie then raises her hand as she moves a cup of water in mid-air and brings it towards her.

"Oh my god!" said Meg, "Maddie, I think that bump on the head somehow gave you telekenesis!"

"Really?" asked Maddie, "That's awesome!"

"No it's not!" said Lois, "Those type of powers are too dangerous for a baby! I think it's best if we keep her from using them at all.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" said Peter, "Hold on there, Lois. These are SUPERPOWERS! She's basically living what every other child had ever dreamed of. I mean, wouldn't you have liked to have superpowers when you were a kid?"

"Hmmm..." she thought.

**Flashback.**

Going all the way back to her childhood, Lois remembers being bullied by two popular girls. They pushed her into the mud and laugh at her.

"What a dork!" said one of them.

"Yeah," said the other, "I'll bet she'll grow up to marry a fat bastard. Probably one with a stupid name, like "Peter"!"

Lois then gets mad, flies up into the sky and comes crashing down with a huge meteor that smashes them to a fine paste.

**End Flashback.**

"Okay..." she said, "I guess she can keep them. But I only want her to use these powers to help people."

"Don't worry, grandma," said Maddie, "I promise I'll use my powers for good and only good, because with great powers comes great-"

"Please, PLEASE don't finish that sentence," said Peter, "I'm so sick to death of that saying!"

"Okay, so your daughter now has telekenesis," said Brian.

"Wow," said Zack, "This should be more interesting than that bet we made once."

**Flashback**

Peter, Brian, and Zack are sitting on the sofa in the living room watching TV. Zack gets bored and gets an idea.

"Hey, Brian," said Zack, "50 bucks says he does it."

"That's an easy 50 bucks for me," said Brian, "It can't happen. It isn't logical."

"What can't happen?" Peter asked.

"We wanna see if you can say the alphabet backwards," said Zack.

"I so can do it!" said Peter.

"Then go for it," said Zack.

"Okay, uh... Z...Y...X... uh... W..." Peter then thinks really hard, "V... uhhh... T... AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!" he screams as his head suddenly explodes for no apparent reason.

"Damn!" said Brian.

"Sweet!" said Zack, "That's 50 bucks for me!"

**End Flashback.**

A few days later after Maddie is released from the hospital, everybody is having breakfast in the kitchen.

"Where the hell are my Apple Jacks?!?!" asked Stewie in anger, "What the hell does a guy have to do to get Apple Jacked off around here?!?!"

"I'm trying to get them, sweetie," said Lois, "But they're too far up in the cabin- AAAAHHHH!!!"

Lois screams as she almost fell and broke her neck, but was suspended in mid-air by Maddie's telekenesis. She then gently puts Lois in her seat and levitates the Apple Jacks to the table.

"I could've broken my neck," said Lois, "Thank you, Maddie."

"Yes. Thanks a lot," said Stewie angrily as he takes a bite of his apple jacks, "Oh YES!!! Thank you! Oh there's an orgy in my mouth!"

Suddenly, Jillian comes through the back door with her two babies in arms. They are both crying very loudly.

"I need help!" said Jillian.

"What kind?" asked Stewie, "Because if it's mental, you're beyond repair! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I made a funny."

"What's the matter?" asked Lois.

"The babies won't stop crying," said Jillian, "I tried everything. I changed them, I fed them, I even tried jingling the keys," said Jillian as she jingled the keys, she, Chris, and Peter started laughing and giggling like idiots, "See? NOTHING!"

"Have you tried getting naked?" asked Stewie, "That seems to make everybody happy."

"Hey, your right! It does!" said Jillian, "I better get started!"

"Jillian, no!" said Lois.

"Hold on a sec, Lois," said Peter, "I think she may be on to something, here."

"If only they could speak," said Chris.

"Hey, that gives me an idea!" said Maddie, "Maybe I can get them to tell us what's wrong!"

Maddie then puts her hands onto the sides of her head and closes her eyes to read their thoughts Her eyes turn all white for a moment, and then go back to normal after she's done.

"So?" asked Jillian, "What did you find out?"

"Tilly just wants her pacifier," said Maddie as she put the pacifier in her mouth and Tilly stopped crying.

"And what about C.J.?" asked Chris.

"I couldn't make anything out," she said, "I couldn't hear anything except elevator music in there. Oh, now I just figured it out."

"What?" she asked, "Why was he crying?"

"His head was playing Britney Spears," she said, "But I got rid of them."

Later on, Maddie was watching Sesame Street in the living room when Peter walks in and changes the channel.

"Hey, I was watching that!" said Maddie.

"And now you're not!" said Peter, "I have to watch the Gumbel 2 Gumbel marathon."

"But you have them all on tape!" she said, "Every single episode!"

"Except one," he said, "And I don't know when it airs so I have to watch the whole marathon."

"And how long is the marathon?"

"2 days."

"2 days?!?! But I'm missing Sesame Street!" she complained, "It's the one where Count tries to count to 100 but goes insane and starts killing people and counting the bodies! Also, Cookie Monster eats Elmo! And you have a TV in your room!"

"I'm the man of the house so I say that I'll use this TV to watch Gumbel 2 Gumble!"

"Maybe you're not the man of this house," said Maddie, "Maybe you're the man of the mountain!"

"Man of the mountain? What the hell are you-?" said Peter before he vanished into thein air and appeared somewhere in the Himilayias, "Where the hell am I?!?!" in the distance he sees a very large and angry yeti running towards him growling.

"OH MY GOD!!!" he shouts, "IT'S ROSIE O'DONNEL AAAAAHH!!!!!!"

Back in the Griffin home, Maddie is watching Sesame Street again

**Cutaway.**

Count is surrounded by the dead bodies of Big Bird, Maria, Louise, Cookie Monster, and Elmo. All of the bodies have fang marks on their necks.

"One! Two! Three! Three dead muppets! Ah ha ha!" laughed count, "One! Two! Two dead illegal immigrants!"

**End Cutaway. **

Lois, Meg, and Zack then enter the room.

"Maddie, where's your grandfather?" she asked.

"Um, I dunno," she said nervously.

Suddenly a taxi pulls up to the house and Peter knocks on the door. When Lois opens it, she sees that Peter's clothes are all torn and tattered.

"OH MY GOD!!!" said Lois, "PETER! WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Yeah! You look terrible, man!" said Stewie, "Oh god!!! And you reek of angry yeti sex! And not the good kind, either! Oh!!!"

"I'll tell you what happened!" said Peter, "Little miss telekewhatsits warped me to the mountains!"

"Maddie, is this true?" asked Meg.

"Maybe..." she said.

"Scars and yeti rape say more than maybe," said Peter.

"YOU SUCK!!!" shouted Maddie.

"What did we tell you about using your powers?" asked Meg, "Go to your room, right now!"

"Wait, why are we punishing her?" asked Zack.

"Because Maddie sent Peter far away from this house," said Lois, "And it looks like he got attacked viciously by a yeti."

"...No, for real. Why are we punishing her?"

Later on upstairs, Maddie is sitting in her room sulking.

"Stupid grandpa," she said, "Wanting to watch stupid Gumbel on stupid NBC. So what if he was almost killed by a yeti?"

"What the devil are you doing here?" asked Stewie, "Sitting in your room like some punished child?"

"Mom said so," said Maddie.

"And you're going to take it?!?! You have telekenesis, girl! No one should be telling you what to do!"

"I dunno..."

"You SHOULD know! You shouldn't be like some muscleman who gets pushed and says Thank you sir. May I have another? No! When somebody pushes you, you push back! Then you tell him, EAT OFF MY BOOTS YOU DAMN ASS MAN-WHORE!!!"

"Yeah! I should, shouldn't I?"

"You're damn right you should! Now you go downstairs and show them who's boss! Make them eat off your boots!"

"I will!" said Maddie as she walked out of the room.

"And so it begins..." said Stewie in a devious manner.

Maddie walks downstairs to the living room to see that everybody was watching TV. Meg then turns around to see Maddie standing there.

"Maddie!" she said, "I thought I told you to go to your room!"

"I don't have to," said Maddie.

"Hey, she's your mother!" said Peter, "You do what it says! Don't make me give you a whoopin with my belt!"

"What belt?" she asked as she telekintically removed Peter's belt and started whooping him with it!

"OWWW!! OWWW!!! WAAAAHHH!!!" cried Peter.

"Maddie!" said Zack, "Have you lost your mind?!?!"

"No, but you will!" she said as she used her telekenesis to remove her father's brain from his ear, "What do you have to say to that?"

Zack just stares at Madeline mindlessy as he starts drooling a bit. She sighs and puts his brain back into place.

"I said, what do you have to say to that?" she asked again.

"First I want to say that no matter what, I'll always love you," said Zack, "And second... AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! SHE'S THE DEVIL INCARNATE!!!... But I still love you, sweetie."

"Now that I'm the one with powers, I'm gonna be in charge!" said Maddie.

"Whatever you say, sweetie!" said Meg fearfully.

"Well I'm not gonna take any crap from some baby!" said Peter as he is then given a telekinetic wedgie, "Except from one who can do _that_!"

The very next day, Maddie is sitting on her high chair. Her hair had mysteriously turned black, and her skin had become pale. Something very strange was happening to Madeline both physically and mentally.

"Here you are," said Meg as she put her cereal in the high chair, "Your lucky charms."

"No! No! NO!!!" shouted Maddie, "I wanted them WITHOUT the non marshmellow pieces!" she then tosses the bowl with her powers at Meg, "Do it again!"

"Yes, Maddie!" said Meg in fear.

"YOU!!!" she shouted at Zack, "I wanna play horsey!"

"Yes, Maddie!" said Zack.

"And wear this!" she said as she tossed him a saddle.

"Where did you get that?" he asked.

"I found it in grandma's closet."

"Hey! You can't use that!" said Lois.

"Yeah! That's MY saddle," said Peter, "We use it for... our pleasantries."

"Yuck! I'm not wearing that thing!" said Zack.

"Oh really?" she asked, "Daddy, can you say the alphabet backwards?"

"Maddie, don't you da-" he said before being possessed by Maddie, "Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T, B, AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" he shouted as his head exploded, "Gimmie the saddle," he said as he spoke from his neck.

"This is great!" said Maddie to Stewie.

"See? Didn't I tell you?" he said.

"I now have total control of the family!"

"Why stop there?" he asked, "Why not control... THE WORLD?"

"That's a good idea!" she said.

"Yes! With you by my side, we'll be unstoppable!" he said as he rubbed his palms together, "The world shall be ours!"

"That's what you think!" she said as she instantly trapped Stewie in a bubble like force field.

"What the duece?!?!" Stewie said as he tried to fight his way out, "What is this?!?!"

"You didn't really think I wanted to rule alongside YOU did you?"

"You can't do this to me!" he shouted, "I CREATED YOU!!!"

"And THAT was your biggest mistake! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a world to conquer!" she said as she flew and broke through the ceiling.

"BLAST!" said Stewie, "Oh well, I suppose this isn't the first time I've been betrayed."

**Flashback**

"Why stop there?" Stewie asked, "Why not control... THE WORLD?"

"That's a good idea!" she said.

"Yes! With you by my side, we'll be unstoppable!" he said as he rubbed his palms together, "The world shall be ours!"

"That's what you think!" she said as she instantly trapped Stewie in a bubble like force field.

"What the duece?!?!" Stewie said as he tried to fight his way out, "What is this?!?!"

"You didn't really think I wanted to rule alongside YOU did you?"

**End Flashback.**

"Wait a minute! It WAS!" said Stewie, "Wow. I suck!"

Later on at City Hall, a town meeting is called.

"As you know, little Kelly Murdock has gone rampant in our town!" said Adam West, "We must find a way to stop her!"

"I say we kill her!" said one random town member.

"Burn her!" said a random townswoman.

"Kill her parents!" said Peter, "They made her!"

"Peter!" said Lois angrily.

"Oh yeah, that's Maddie," said Peter.

"Wait!" said Meg, "You can't kill her! She's my baby! It's not her fault she become so corrupted with power!"

"Yeah! Kill _him_!" said Zack as he held up Stewie, "It's _his_ fault! Oh and he's the one who cancelled Farscape!"

"No!" he shouted, "Listen to the fatman! Oh and for the Farscape thing, no comment."

"I'm sorry, Mr and Mrs. Murdock," said Adam West, "But I'm going to have to take down Tommy in order to save the town and the world and I plan to do so by fighting fire with fire! I'm going to gain telekenesis!"

"How, Mr. West?" asked Peter.

"The same way she got it!" he said, "But banging my head against the wall!"

Adam West then runs as fast as he can and bangs his head against the wall.

"Mayor West!" said Lois, "Are you alright?"

"My head is throbbing," said Adam West, "I feel a crack on my forehead and I'm feeling kind of sleepy! YES! It's working! I can feel the energy within my veins!"

Maddie then burst from below the ceiling.

"Surrender, fools!" she said, "Or die!"

"Not so fast, Gabby!" said Adam West, "I have now gained telekenesis of my own!"

"Oh really?" she scoffed.

"Oh just you watch!" he said as he was then trying to move her towards him with her mind, but to no avail. He the runs to her, "Aha! See! I was able to move myself towards you! You scared? You should be!"

"I grow tired of this," she said as she boredly raises her hands up and down, repeatedly slaming Adam West onto the ground.

"Oh my god!" he shouted, "I'm living my lifelong dream... as a superball! WEEEEEE!!! OWWW!!! WEEEEEEEEEE!!! OWWW!!!! WEEEEEEEEE!!! OWWW!!!"

"In fact, I grow tired of the entire human race!" she said as she flew through the open ceiling.

"Whoa!" said Peter, "Her future self comes here to save the world only so that it's destroyed by herself. Irony at it's finest!"

"We have to stop her!" said Zack as he and Meg ran from out of city hall.

Maddie flew her way to the tallest building in Quahog. She uses her powers to call upon dark clouds in the sky. Lighting began to strike as it started to rain.

"I shall flood this planet and end all existance upon it!" she said.

Meg and Zack then burst through the door that led to the roof.

"Maddie, stop it!" she said, "This isn't like you at all!"

"What's happening to you?!?!" asked Zack, "You've changed for the worse ever since you gained those powers!"

"Shut up!" she said as she tossed Zack away into the city with her powers.

"Your father's right!" said Meg, "You're like a totally different person, now! Maddie, please listen!"

She then threw Meg onto the nearby wall pretty hard causing her to collapse.

"Maddie's gone!" she shouted, "I'm what's left! I LOVE the new me!"

"...I don't..." said Meg as a tear slipped from her eye, "When you were born, it was one of the happiest days of my life. You were so cute, so innocent. But now, you're twisted, and corrupted... People are suffering now, because of you. I don't want everybody's last thought about you to be filled with fear and hate. I don't want it to end this way."

Maddie was moved by what Meg said. She then looked at the half-destroyed city below. Families had lost their homes, their businesses... People have indeed suffered because of her. The darkness within her slowly began to disappear. Her hair had gone back to her natural blonde color and her skin had become less pale. The clouds in the sky began to dissapear and the rain had stopped.

"Mom..." said Maddie as she ran towards Meg, hugged her and began to cry, "Mom, I'm sorry! I couldn't control myself."

"Shhh... It's okay," said Meg as she hugged her back, "Everything's going to be just fine..."

"Wait..." said Maddie as she looked around, "Where's dad?"

Meanwhile back in city hall, Adam West is dusting himself off until he sees something flying towards him.

"What's that in the sky?" he asked, "Is is a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a helecopter? A Metlife Blimp? Oh Snoopy, you clever clever dog!" Zack then crashes onto Adam, "And now I got to be the ground! THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!!!"

Later on at the Griffin home...

"My telekesesis is gone," said Maddie, "Good riddance!"

"I'm just glad to have the old, regular Maddie back," said Meg.

"I'm glad, too," said Maddie.

"Not me, though," said Stewie, "I actually thought you were pretty bad ass."

"Well, I think we've all learned a very important lesson, today," said Peter.

"That power easily corrupts?" asked Lois.

"No," said Peter, "Saying the alphabet backwards makes your head explode!"

Everybody then laughed at that little statement like what a lot of cartoon characters used to do during the endings. God I hate those endings. So everyone instead stops laughing and think for a moment. They then try to say the alphabet backwards but all their heads explode.

**End Chapter.**


	32. Forgotten

**Chapter 32: Forgotten**

Zack and Peter are sitting in the living room watching TV. PSYKE! No, this doesn't start with them watching TV like what happens on the beginning of most FG eps. Instead, they're playing Mortal Kombat: Deception on Xbox. Yeah, they're still sitting in front of the TV. But they're not watching it this time and that's cool... right? You're right. It's not. Anyway, on with the story. Peter was playing as Scorpion, while Zack was playing as his most favorite MK Kharacter(see what I did just there?) ever, Scorpion!

"All hail Scorpion!" said Zack as he gave Peter a virtual ass whooping.

"Hey, that's not fair!" complained, "You know Scorpion's moveset in and out! I only know Sub Zero's freeze move!"

"I know Sub-Zero's moves too," said Zack, "I know all his combos, string-combos, fatalities, and hara-kiri. Beating down a n00b isn't too much fun."

"So you'll teach me?" asked Peter.

"Okay, I'll teach you this one move," said Zack, "It's the most awesome move in Sub-Zero's moveset. You ready?"

"Okay, what do I do?"

"First you stand perfectly still," said Zack, "You wanna get it right."

"Okay," said Peter, "Now what?"

"Next, I kick Subby's pansy ass!" said Zack as he made Scorpion give Sub-Zero such a bitchslapping, that even Chuck Norris would be jealous, "Scorpion 4 the win! Yeah, baby! Can I get a what what?"

"Yeah. What what the hell was that?!?! I thought you were gonna teach me some moves."

"I did," said Zack, "That was the "lying on your back like a ho" move! What do you have say to that?"

Peter then does to Zack the one thing that your friend always does when you give them such a beatdown in a fighting game: Removes you controller like a little bitch and tosses it across the room.

"What the hell, man?!?" shouted Zack, "Why'd you do that???"

"So I can do this!" said Peter as he paused the screen to look at Sub-Zero's moveset, "And then this!"

Peter then proceeded to command Sub-Zero to give the helpless Scorpion a huge bitchslapping, but this one wouldn't impress Chuck Norris as much.

"SCORPION! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Zack shouted, "You're a f(bleep)king douche!"

"Nope. I'm a f(bleeping)king douche who's kicking your ass!"

"Dammit! Where's that controller?" said Zack as he went looking for it and finds it, "Aw crap! You smashed it to pieces! Now I can't play!"

"Oh well," said Peter, "That means I get to kick your ass some more!"

Peter then gives Scorpion another free lesson in SmackDown!(see what I just did here?) that not even The Rock could teach.

"You pansy! Gimmie that controller!" said Zack as he tried to grab it from Peter.

"Make me!" he said.

Zack then punches Peter in the arm. Peter retaliates by punching him in the face. They then get into a huge fight as they start exchanging blows. Peter takes a lead pipe and smacks Zack on the head with it. Zack takes a lamp and shatters it onto Peter's head. Peter then takes out a cinderblock and tosses at Zack. Zack, however, ducks the cinderblock and Meg enters the room.

"What the hell's going on he-" she said before she got her face smashed by said cinderblock. She then falls unconscious.

"Oh my god! Meg!" said Zack as he ran over to her.

"Whoa!" said Peter, "Nice catch, Meg! That's very creative using your face instead of your hands."

Later on, Zack and the others get Meg to the hospital. She's lying on the bed still unconscious from her knock on the head.

"Looks like your wife took a pretty bad blow to the head," said Dr. Hartman, "Just like your daughter. Are there... problems?"

"What are you implying?" asked Zack.

"Oh I don't know," said Dr. Hartman, "Maybe that somebody in this room has an anger problem!"

"I AM NOT ANGRY!!!" shouted Zack angrily as he punched Peter for no reason.

"See, doc?" said Peter, "He just won't stop!"

"No!" said Lois, "He would never hurt Meg or Maddie. Peter was the one who threw the cinderblock."

"Yes," said Dr. Hartman, ""Peter" threw a "cinderblock" at Meg. I believe you. Just like how Maddie "bumped" her head."

"Hey, you don't have to call me a liar!" said Zack.

"Liar? But I _do_ believe you," he said, "I'm sorry if it came out sarcastic!"

Meg then finally wakes up to everybody around her.

"What happened?" she asked, "Where am I?"

"Meg, you're alright!" said Zack as he hugged her.

"I'm so glad you're okay, sweetie," said Lios.

"Wait," she said, "Who are you?"

"What?" asked Zack, "Meg, it's me, Zack."

"Who's Zack?" she asked.

"Meg, quit kidding around!" said Peter, "That's your husband!"

"I have a husband?" she asked, "But I can't even get a boyfriend!"

"But Meg, don't you remember?" asked Lois, "You met him at a 7-11."

"Mom, I've never seen him before in my life!" said Meg, "He's just some stranger!"

"No..." said Zack, "This can't be happening! She's forgotten all about be me! I think she's gotten partial amnesia!"

"I know how to fix that!" said Peter as he smacked a brick over her head, knocking her back unconscious."

"What the hell did you do?" asked Lois.

"It happens all the time on TV," said Peter, "If you hit them again, the amnesia goes away."

A few moments later, Dr. Hartman is in the room and Meg is awake once again.

"That's wierd. Now your daughter has just suffered from internal bleeding in the brain," said Dr. Hartman, "Mr. Griffin, is that a brick?"

"Um, no," said Peter as he hid it behind his back.

"Remember anything, now?" asked Lois.

"I still don't remember him," she said.

"Maybe this can help jog your memory," said Brian as he handed her Maddie, "Do you remember this little girl?"

"My baby," she said as she held her in her arms, "Of course I remember my own daughter."

"So that means know who her father is, right?" asked Brian.

"...No, I don't," she said.

"Meg, don't you remember?" asked Zack, "You became pregnant after the fist time we had sex!"

"All I remember is somehow ending up pregnant one morning," said Meg as she then thought for a moment, "CHRIS! STAY OUT OF MY ROOM!"

"Hey!" said Chris, "I have needs, but I would never sink that low!"

"C'mon! Don't you remember anything?" asked Zack desperately, "Even the Homecomming dance?"

"I never went," she said, "I couldn't find a date."

"I WAS YOUR DATE!" shouted Zack.

"I'm sorry, Mister," she said, "But I just can't remember anything about you."

"I see," said Zack, "Looks like we're just gonna have to start all over then! I'm gonna make you fall in love with me all over again! You'll see!"

Later on, at the Griffin home Meg is on the couch watching TV. Zack then enters the room and sits on the couch next to her.

"Um... What are you doing here?" she asked.

"I live here," said Zack, "Anyway, I thought that we should try to get to know each other."

"I'm sorry," said Meg, "You seem nice and all, but I'm not really insterested."

"I see," said Zack, "HEY! Is that a racoon?"

"Where?" she asks as she turns around. Zack gives her a quick kiss on the cheek and promply slaps him, "YOU CREEP!"

"Ow! What the hell was that for?" asked Zack.

"I told you, I'm not interested!" said Meg, "No means no!"

"But you used to like it when I did that!" said Zack, "Sometimes it would get you in the mood!"

"Wait! You want to have sex with me?!?!" said Meg.

"No! That's not it at all!"

"Oh, so I'm not good enough for you?!?!"

"I didn't say that!!! I want you!!!"

"So you were trying to get me in bed, then!"

"Stop it! You're confusing me!"

"RAPE!!! RAPE!!!" she screams as she sprays mace into his eyes.

"OH GOD!!! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" shouted Zack as he covered his eyes and crumpled to the ground, "IT BURNS!!!"

The doorbell then rings.

"That must be him!" said Meg as she ran to the door.

"Who?" asked Zack.

Meg answers the door and Kevin Swanson is standing right there holding flowers.

"Hi, Meg," said Kevin, "You ready to go?"

"What's going on, here?" asked Zack, "Who's this joker?"

"This is the Kevin," said Meg, "He's my date."

"Hi Kevin," said Zack, "Bye Kevin."

He then slams the door shut and locks it, leaving Kevin outside very confused.

"What the hll do you think you're doing?" asked Zack.

"I'm going on a date with Kevin!" she said, "Just who the hell do you think you are, anyway?"

"Oh I don't know," said Zack, "Your husband!!!"

"Oh, yeah. That's right," said Meg sarcastically, "My "husband". Listen, I don't know you and I have a right to choose who I want to date!"

"We've been married for almost a year, now!" said Zack, "I'm not going to let some pretty boy from next door take what's mine!"

"I'm not your property!" said Meg, "You don't own me! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with Kevin."

Meg then left the house with Kevin.

"Who was that guy?" asked Kevin.

"I dunno," said Meg, "Some homeless fruit my dad picked up."

Zack then slams the door angrily as Kevin and Meg walk from out of site.

"THIS SUCKS!!!" he shouted as he punched a hole in the wall, "I'm going to lose my family and it's all because of YOU!!!"

"Hey! Wait a second!" said Peter, "It's not like I did it on purpose!"

"I was actually pointing to the cinderblock," said Zack, "But I guess you're at fault, too. So yeah, it's your fault as well. But mostly the cinderblock!"

"So, what now?" asked Brian, "Meg doesn't want to see you and she probably doesn't want you anywhere near Maddie."

"If Meg wants to be with Kevin, fine!" said Zack, "I'll just go!"

"Wait, you can't just give up!" said Peter, "You and Meg were meant for each other. You two even made a child together. You can't let a little amnesia get in the way. If not for you two, at least try to get together for Maddie's sake!"

"You're right,," said Zack, "But how do we do that?"

"You just leave that to me," said Peter, "If there's one thing I know how to do, it's putting a plan together."

"Oh really?," aked Brian, "Do you remember that time you tried to rob the bank?"

**Flashback**

Peter and Brian burst through a door trying to rob a bank wearing ski masks while holding guns.

"Everybody!" Peter shouts, "Hands in the air."

"Peter," said Brian, "This is a beauty parlor."

Later, Peter bursts through another door.

"Everybody!" Peter shouts, "Hands in the air."

"Peter," said Brian, "This is a doctor's office."

Later, Peter bursts through another door.

"Everybody!" Peter shouts, "Hands in the air."

"Peter," said Brian, "This is a Toy store."

Later, Peter bursts through another door.

"Everybody!" Peter shouts, "Hands in the air."

"Peter," said Brian, "This is Cleveland's house."

"Hi y'all!" said Cleveland.

Later, Peter bursts through another door.

"Everybody!" Peter shouts, "Hands in the air."

"Peter," said Brian, "This is _our_ house."

"Down in front!" said Zack as Peter was blocking the TV.

Later, Peter bursts through another door.

"Everybody!" Peter shouts, "Hands in the air."

"Peter," said Brian, "This is the police department."

Later...

"Everybody!" Peter shouts, "Hands in the air."

"Peter," said Brian, "We're in jail."

**End Flashback.**

"This time, it'll be different," said Peter, "Trust me."

"What exacly do you have in mind?" asked Zack.

"Okay, so here's what we do..." said Peter as they all huddled up.

Later on at some fancy shmancy resteraunt, Meg and Kevin are sitting at a nice table waiting for their waiter.

"You know," said Meg, "I've noticed that I haven't seen you for quite a while. Where have you been?"

"Oh I can answer that," said Kevin, "You see, I..."

"Good evening and may I take your order," said Peter in a french accent who was dressed up as a waiter wearing a fake mustache.

"We'll have..." said Meg, "Wait, haven't I seen you before?"

"You've never seen me before in your life, Meg," said Peter in his regular voice.

"Oh, okay then," she said, "We'll have one plate of spaghetti. And can you make it only _one _string ofspaghetti? I want this night to be very special."

"Why of course, madame," said Peter, "And may we offer you a cup of cold water while you wait?"

"I don't see why not," said Kevin.

Brian(who is also wearing a fake mustache) then comes to the table holding two cups of ice cold water on a plate.

"One for the lovely lady," said Brian as he placed the cup in front of Meg, "And one for the gentelman." Brain then spills the ice cold water onto Kevin's lap.

"AAIIIEEE!!! OH MY GOD!!! THAT'S COLD!!!" shouted Kevin.

"Oh dear!" said Peter, "I'm am so terribly sorry sorry! It was zee what you say, le oops?"

"I think I'll go to the bathroom and get changed," said Kevin as he started walking very awkwardly to the bathroom, "Christ! That's cold!"

In the bathroom, Kevin is drying off his pants on the automatic hand dryer. He puts them back on and is about walk out. Zack then sneaks up from behind and judo chops him in the back of his neck rendering him unconscious. Zack then drags Kevin to one of the toilets and seats him upright.

"Pleasant dreams, Mr. Swanson," said Zack as he left the bathroom. He then runs back into the bathroom and puts Kevin's hand into his pants and shuts the door, "Heh heh heh!" he laughed as he ran back out.

Back at the table, Meg is getting kind of worried about Kevin.

"What's taking him so long?" she asked, "He should've been back by now!"

"Ah, he probably ditched you," said Zack as he sat across from Meg. He was wearing a black suit, with a green tie, and was not wearing his wool cap.

"You again?!?!" asked Meg annoyed, "I thought I told you to stay away from me!"

"Oh come on!" said Zack, "We were meant for each other! We both even like bad music. I like Linkin Park and you like Christina Agulerra. God, I hope he spelled that right."

"Get out of here, you creepazoid!" said Meg.

"Okay, then you leave me no other option," said Zack, "I'm going to use these cheesy pick up lines from these flashcards," said Zack as he started reading them, "If you were a booger, I'd pick you first. Especially one that's green, hairy, and crunchy like you... ewww... Okay... not reading that... not reading that... Ah, here we go, Somebody call the police because I've think you've stolen my heart... Now give it back you filthy whore!"

"WHAT?!?!" asked Meg angrily.

"That's it. I'm not letting Peter write down anymore pick up lines," said Zack as he covered his eyes.

"Dinner is served," said Peter as he placed the spaghetti on the table.

"So... call me?" asked Zack as he gave a nervous smile. Meg then took the plate of spaghetti and threw it at Zack.

"Meg, what happened here?" asked Kevin as he walked back to the table.

"Nothing!" said Meg angrily, "Just take me home!"

She and Kevin leave the resteraunt, while Peter and Brian walk over to Zack who was on the ground covered in spaghetti and meatballs.

"Great," said Zack, "Now she thinks I'm a wierdo. Thank you, Peter."

"I'm sorry, Zack," said Peter, "I just wanted to give those lines a new twist. We'll just have to try plan B."

The next day at James Woods High, Meg is sitting at lunch with her friends.

"So how did your date with Kevin go?" asked the red haired one with the braces.

"Horrible," said Meg, "This jackass came by and ruined everything. It was so embarrassing!"

"What did he look like?" she asked.

"He had long blonde hair and a goatee," said Meg.

"You mean like that guy?" she asked as she pointed to what appeared to be Zack wearing a tanktop, baggy pants and sunglasses.

"Oh my god," said Meg as she covered her face.

"Hey there baby," he said as he sat next to Meg, "You know, I've had my eye on you for sometime."

"Will you just leave me alone?!?!" she said angrily, "Quit stalking me!!!"

"Stalking?" he asked "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Get lost, you!" said Zack as he tossed the lookalike away. Zack was wearing a backwards baseball cap, with a hooded shirt and shorts, "You know, the prom is coming up. Maybe we can go together. It'll be just like when we went to homecoming."

"For the last time, we NEVER went to homecoming!" she said annoyed, "Beside, I'm already going with Kevin so GET LOST!!!"

Zack then got up from the table and sadly walked away.

"Wow, that guy was kinda cute," said her red haired friend, "And you said no to him?"

"He thinks he's my husband," said Meg, "Isn't that crazy?"

"..And you let him go? _That_ is crazy!"

"Look I don't like him, okay?" said Meg, "Even if he is cute... and caring... and dedicated. But I like Kevin and that's all that matters."

Back in the Griffin home, Zack was packing up all his stuff. He then took a look at the picture of him and Meg from the night they went to the homecoming dance. A tear escaped his eye as he put the picture in one of his briefcases.

"Zack, what are you doing?" asked Lois.

"I'm leaving," he said, "I lost Meg, so there's nothing left for me here. I'm probably going to stay in a motel or something."

"You can't just leave!" said Lois, "What about Madeline? She needs a father!"

"I'm sure Meg can find somebody else," said Zack sadly.

"Don't you talk like that!" said Lois, "You and Meg shared a very strong bond and you can't let some stupid amnesia destroy it! You two were always meant for each other and you should go over to that prom and prove it!"

"You're right, Lois," said Zack, "I shouldn't give up. I'm going to go over to that prom and prove to Meg that I truly love her!"

Meanwhile at the prom in the gymnasium, Meg and Kevin are dancing with each other.

"What's the matter, Meg?" asked Kevin, "Is something on your mind?"

"I just keep thinking about that guy," she said.

"The blonde guy?" he asked, "He's pretty weird. He's kinda good looking, though."

"I know," said Meg, "I just can't stop thinking about his eyes... and that smile..."

"Meg," he said, "Do you like him?"

"I don't know," said Meg, "Part of me says yes, but then I remember that I don't know him."

Meanwhile on the other side of the gymnasium, Peter and Brian are there setting up fireworks.

"Nothing says I love you like fireworks that say I love you," said Peter.

"Peter, I don't think it's safe to light fireworks INDOORS," said Brian.

"Oh c'mon, Brian," said Peter, "If this doesn't get Meg and Zack back together, nothing will!"

Peter then lights one of the fireworks which shoots into the ceiling and explodes upon impact. The gymnasium is then set on fire.

"HOLY CRAP!!!" shouted Peter as he, Brian and everybody else fled the scene.

"Okay, is everybody alright?" asked Brian.

At that moment, Zack parks his car in front of the gymnasium and sees it ablaze.

"What the hell's going on here?!?!" asked Zack.

"Oh my god!" said Kevin, "Where's Meg?!?!"

"I think she's still in there!" said Connie.

"MEG!!!" shouted Zack as he ran into the gymnasium. Everything was hard to see as there was smoke everywhere, "Meg, where are you???" he then sees Meg lying on the ground, "Oh my god!"

Back outside, everyone is waiting anxiously for Meg and Zack to come out, but they've been in there for about a minute.

"What the hell is taking them so long?" asked Brian worried.

"Maybe Zack had to take a wiz," said Peter.

"...You're kidding," said Brian.

"Well he could be," said Peter.

"Meg is trapped in a burning building," said Brian, "There's smoke everywhere. He wouldn't waste time taking a whiz."

"Maybe he's not," said Peter, "Maybe he's peeing on the flames."

"...Peeing on the flames."

"Yeah, you can do that. Can't you?"

"Peter, that's just stupid."

"Why is it so stupid?"

"There are too many flames, okay!"

"What do you mean?"

"I'm saying you'd have to drink like maybe 100 cans of sprite to even think about putting them out, and your bladder would explode before then."

"...Not if I was Superman."

"Oh, that's your comeback for everything, now."

Zack finally breaks through the door with Meg in his arms. He then lays Meg on the ground.

"She's not breathing!" said Kevin.

"Everybody, move back!" said Zack, "Give me some room!"

Zack then begins to give Meg mouth to mouth CPR and then presses on her chest a few times. He then places his ear on her chest to see if she's breathing.

"You know, that kinda looks perverted," said Peter.

"SHHHH!!!" said Brian.

Zack gives her mouth to mouth CPR again and presses on her chest. Meg then coughs and wakes up. Everybody then cheers.

"You saved my life!" said Meg.

"Of course I saved your life," said Zack, "I love you. I could never let anything happen to you."

"I'm sorry I kept telling you to go away," said Meg, "I never really knew you actually cared."

Meg and Zack then hugged each other as everybody in the crowd looked in awe. The next day, everybody was on the sofa talking about what happened last night.

"I'm so glad that both of you are safe," said Lois.

"I'm glad that even though Meg hasn't gained back her memory yet," said Zack, "She's willing to give me a second chance."

"Um, Zack," said Meg, "That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I don't know how to tell you this, but I can't be with you."

"Wait, what do you mean?" asked Zack.

"I can see that you're a nice guy, but something's happened," said Meg, "Zack, I'm pregnant... with Kevin's baby."

"WHAT?!?!" asked Zack.

"He asked me to marry him, and I said yes," said Meg, "I'm sorry."

"No! This can't be happening," said Zack as he held on to his head.

"Zack?" Meg asked before he ran outside and shut the door.

Zack then leaned his back against the door and slowly dropped to the floor as it began to rain. He slowly began to cry. He had lost everything. His wife... his daughter... the things that meant most to him. All because of a cinderblock...

"I should never have ducked," cried Zack as he then began to sob, "I'm sorry... Meg, I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."

_"Zack!"_

"I'm sorry... I shouldn't have ducked..."

_"Zack! Can you hear me? Zack!!!"_

Zack then gasped and saw that he was suddenly lying in a hospital bed surrounded by the Griffins who were asleep. He sees Meg sitting next to him crying on his bed.

"Zack, please wake up," she cried.

"Meg?" asked Zack.

Meg then raises her head to see Zack awake.

"Zack!" she said as she hugged him and cried, "I thought I lost you!"

"What happened?" he asked, "Where am I?"

The rest of the Griffins then wake up and sees that Zack is awake.

"Oh thank god!" said Lois, "He's awake!"

"Wait. What's everybody talking about?" asked Zack.

That cinderblock I threw," said Peter, "It put you in a coma."

"Wait, it hit me?" he asked.

"Yeah," said Peter, "Right between the eyes. I got you good."

"You were in a coma for 3 days," said Meg, "The doctors said you wouldn't make it."

"So... I didn't duck... I DIDN'T DUCK!!! THE CINDERBLOCK HIT _ME_!!! YES!!!" he shouted.

"Wait," said Peter, "You're not mad?"

"Mad?" he asked, "No! That's the best news I ever heard!"

"But it put you in a coma," said Lois.

"Who cares!?" said Zack, "The important thing is that I'm alive now and that I'm here with my loving family."

"Wow," said Peter, "A cinderblock hits him in the head and he's the happiest guy in the world. Wonder what happens if I shoot him?"

"Don't push your luck," said Zack.

Everybody then left the room except Meg.

"I'm glad you're okay," she said.

"And I'm glad that you were with me," said Zack, "I love you, Meg."

"I love you, too," she said

Meg then holds onto Zack's hand as she continues to sit next to him. Zack didn't want to let Meg out of his sight. Not after what he had been through. I'm sorry it all turned out to be a dream so try not to take it as a screw you attitude like most people do with dream episodes.

**End Chapter.**


	33. Mad Assassin

**Chapter 33: Mad Assassin**

(A/N: Credit goes to milordo z 2.0 for the plot)

Somewhere in a dark alley of downtown Quahog, a portal opens. Out from it leaps 25 year old Maddie who is now sporting a black trenchcoat along with her tanktop, camo pants and army boots.

"I have arraived to the location just as you commanded," she said.

"Good," said a deep voice in her earpiece, "Do you remember your exact orders?"

"Yes," said Maddie.

"Then you shall do them as followed," he said, "I don't want any screw ups."

"Don't worry," she said, "I won't fail. I will complete my task. I shall kill my uncle, Stewart Griffin!"

Meanwhile in the Griffin home, Zack is coming home from work while everybody else was sitting in the living room.

"How was work?" asked Meg.

"Pretty bad," said Zack, "During work, I accidentally said a racist word."

**Flashback**

At Murdock's Autobody Shop, Zack is repairing a car with one of his employees, a black man named Dwayne who had dreadlocks and a full goatee.

"Zack, I heard you were gonna go on vacation soon," said Dwayne.

"Yup," said Zack, "I think I've earned it."

"Sweet. So you gonna take your family someplace nice?"

"You know, Meg and I haven't actually decided on where to go just yet," said Zack, "Personally, I'm thinking of going somewhere in the South."

Dwayne then gasps and drops his wrench and gives Zack a shocked look.

"What?" Zack asked.

**End Flashback. **

"And he's thinking of suing me, too," said Zack, "Anyway, where's Maddie?."

"She's outside playing with Stewie in the sandbox," said Lois.

"The sandbox?" asked Peter, "The one outside?"

"Yes," said Lois, "Is there something wrong?"

**Flashback.**

Peter, is coming back home from the Drunken Clam all drunk. He then gets sick and throws up in Stewie's sandbox. He then throws up on the floor and collapses onto his own puke.

**End Flashback.**

"Nothing," said Peter as he continued to drink his beer.

Meanwhile outside, Maddie and Stewie are sitting on the sandbox with flies buzzing around everywhere.

"Does this sand smell funny to you?" asked Maddie.

"Like a clown?" asked Stewie.

"...Like a clown?" she asked.

"Oh yeah," said Stewie, "Clowns are funny, so it's natural that they smell funny. That's why they smell like fish and doody and gym socks and sex. That's right. When you smell a clown you're smelling sex. Clowns smell like sex, Maddie."

"What is sex, anyway?" asked Maddie.

"I dunno," said Stewie, "I think it's something you can eat. You know what we should do? We should walk inside and ask Lois if we can have sex. Just ask her for sex."

"I hope it's some kind of sandwhich," said Maddie, "What makes you think it's something you can eat?"

"I once heard the fatman say after taking a bite out of a good pizza," said Stewie, "Oh yeah, this is better than sex."

"So it IS something you eat," said Maddie.

Then suddenly, a shot can be heard and a bullethole forms inces where Stewie was.

"What the hell?!?!" he shouted as he looked to see a strange figure quickly getting away.

"That was wierd," said Maddie, "Who was that?"

"I don't know," said Stewie, "But I think somebody could be trying to kill me!"

"Why would anybody want to kill you?" asked Maddie.

"I've made lots of enemies over the years, my dear niece," said Stewie.

"Years?" asked Maddie, "But you're still one year-"

"SILENCE!" said Stewie, "What will I do? I'll have to go into hiding!"

"Stewie, no one's trying to kill you," said Maddie, "It was probably just idiot gansters busting... hats in people's... butts."

A little away from the house, Future Maddie is hiding in a bush getting another message from her boss.

"Did you kill the boy," he said in the deep voice.

"I'm sorry, sir. I missed," she said.

"You what?!?!" he said.

"I couldn't concentrate," she said, "There was the smell of fish, doody, gym socks, and sex. It smelled kinda like a clown."

"I don't want to hear your excuses! I don't expect failure the next time," he said.

"Don't worry. You won't."

"For your sake, I hope so."

Future Maddie then rose from the bush and sees Quagmire looking at her.

"Hey! There's a hot woman in my bush!" said Quagmire, "Say there. You wanna get into MY bush?"

"I don't have time for games," she said.

"Alright, then," said Quagmire as he handed her a cup, "How about a drink?"

Maddie then takes a drink from the cup and just looks at Quagmire wih a cold stare.

"What the hell?!?!" asked Quagmire, "You should've been knocked out so I could giggity giggity you!"

Maddie grabs Quagmire by the throat in a VERY tight grip, punches him in the balls and throws him into a wall where he falls into a trashcan. She then silently walks away. Later that night, the family is having dinner. Stewie, however keeps looking every which way looking all paronoid at the family.

_"I know somebody is this room is trying to kill me!"_ he thought, _"But who? The fatman? No, he doesn't have the knowledge to accurately operate firearms, much less his wee wee on the toilet. Lois? No, the only gun she could ever operate was the fatman's. Meg? No, she's too fat. Zackery? No, he prefers to use a shotgun and it would be much too loud for him to properly assinate me. Chris? No. Just no. Brian? No, he's a douchebag. All that leaves is... Madeline! Of course! She has the perfect motive! Madeline would want to get rid of me in order to be the only baby around the house and the dog... Yes! That's it!"_

"Wow, mom," said Meg, "This hamburger helper is great."

"Yeah, Stewie," said Maddie, "Isn't it simply to die for?"

"You can't fool me with your clever puns!" said Stewie, "I'm on to you!"

"What are you talking about?" asked Maddie.

"Don't play dumb with me!" he said, "I know all about your plan!"

"Plan? What plan?" she asked.

"You're planning to kill me!" said Stewie.

"That's crazy!" said Maddie, "Nobody's trying to kill you!"

"Somebody just needs to go to bed," said Lois, "Come on, Stewie."

A few seconds after Lois takes Stewie from out of his high chair, the high chair explodes.

"What the hell?!?!" asked Peter.

"That's American made products for ya," said Zack.

"HAHA!" laughed Stewie, "I'm still alive! You failed!"

"I'm not trying to kill you!!!" said Maddie, "You're acting paranoid!"

"Oh am I?" he asked, "Maybe it is YOU who is acting paranoid!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked.

"What's THAT supposed to mean?" he said.

"Alright, Stewie, it's time for bed. You too, Maddie," said Lois as she went to put Stewie and Maddie upstairs.

"Do you really think Maddie would try to kill Stewie?" asked Meg.

"Meg, Maddie wouldn't hurt a fly," said Zack, "That's just crazy."

"I dunno," said Peter, "She could be capable."

"Are you saying my kid's a killer?" Zack asked.

"I'm just saying it's possible," said Peter, "I mean, In the future she WAS a gun wielding maniac. And remember what happened when she gained telekinesis?"

"Hey!" said Meg, "Those things that happened weren't even her fault! Besides, she can't be any worse than Mr. Opprtunity!"

**Cutaway.**

It's another Honda ad faturing Mr. Opportunity. He's trying to convince a man to lease the new Honda Accord.

"And because the deal is such a steal," said Mr. Opportunity, "You should really consider buying the Honda Accord during the Honda Clearance Sale."

"Wow, thanks Mr. Opportunity," said the man, "I'm going to buy a Hundai right now."

Mr. Opprtunity just looks at the man for a second. Out of nowhere he punches him.

"What the hell did you just say?!?!" he shouts.

"I said I was gonna buy one of your Hundais," said the man before he was punched again.

"WRONG! IT'S A HONDA!!!" he then raises the man by his hair and repeatedly slams his face onto the hood of the car which gets all bloody, "THIS IS A HONDA!!! IT IS _NOT_ A HUNDAI!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT PISSES ME THE F(bleep)CK OFF!?! HUH?!? DO YA?!?!? WELL IT PISSES ME OFF A LOT!!!"

He then tosses the man aside onto the ground and angrily walks off. The man is struggling to breathe and tries to crawl away. Mr.Opportunity, however, runs him over repeatedly in the Honda Accord leaving the man nothing more than a bloody mess. He then gets out of the car and walks to the screen.

"Anyway, I'm Mr. Opportunity. I'm back," he said as he tapped the glass, "And I'm knocking."

**End Cutaway.**

Outside, Future Maddie looks through Stewie's bedroom window while on a ladder and sees that he's asleep.

"Damn!" she said angrily, "He's still alive!"

"I thought you said you would take care of it!" said her boss.

"I have another plan," she said.

"This better work," said her boss.

"Oh it will," she said, "I can garauntee you, the next time Stewart and I meet, only one of us will be alive!"

Suddelny, she hears a loud thumping noise and sees that Herbert is hopping on a ladder of his own.

"Excuse me, there," said Herbert, "Do you think you can point me in the direction of Chris' room? It's about time he put on his pajamas and I don't wanna miss the show."

Maddie pushes over Herbert's ladder which makes him fall backwards, causing him to hit the grund pretty hard.

"OW!!! My hip..."

The very next day in the backyard, Stewie and Maddie are arguing.

"You're being crazy!" said Maddie, "I'm not trying to kill you! You have to trust me!"

"Julius Ceasar trusted Brutus and look what happened!" said Stewie, "That son of a bitch stabbed him in the back! Then he banged his wife!"

"If you want to be an idiot and pursecute me like I'm some kind of Jew, fine!" she said, "See if I care!"

She then leaves the backyard leaving Stewie all alone.

"Good!" said Stewie, "I don't need her. In fact, she was plotting against me! She was trying to kill me!" Stewie then hears rustling in the bushes, "Who's there? Show yourself!"

Out from the bushes stepped the elder Maddie.

"Future Maddie?" asked Stewie, "I thought your business in the past was finished," Maddie then pulls out a gun and aims it at him, "Oh snap!"

The younger Maddie was in the front yard sitting on the front step.

"That jerk!" said Maddie, "How could he even possibly think that I would want to kill him?"

" I know," said a balding, brown haired football headed man(He looks like Stewie as he appeared in _Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story_.) as he sat next to Maddie, "I was quite a hell raiser back in the day."

"What the?!?!" said Maddie, "You look just like Stewie!"

"Well, that's because I AM Stewie," said the elder Stewie, "I come from 30 years from the future."

"30 years?" she asked, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm looking for you," said Stewie.

"Really?" she asked, "What did you want from me?"

"No, not you you! Future you from 25 years later," said Stewie.

"Why?" she asked, "Is something wrong?"

"Unfortunately, there is," said Stewie, "You see when you had that encounter with your future self during Thanksgiving Day you became so inspired that you wanted to become that very same woman. When you grew up, you went in search of looking for Stan Smith to recieve the same training you did from the Turkey wars. You became a CIA agent. One day, you were sent on a mission, but went missing for 5 years."

"Really?" she asked, "What kind of mission was it?"

"It was a time travel mission," said Stewie, "It had something to do with assassinating a megalomaniac before he grew up. I've come here to investigate."

"Assassinating a megalomaniac?..." she thought before the flashes of all those "accidents", "Oh my god! Stewie's in big trouble!"

The both run to the backyard to see that the elder Maddie pointing the gun to the younger Stewie.

"What the duece is going on?!?!" asked Stew, "Why would she try to kill me?"

"You said she went back in time to kill a megalomaniac before he grew up!" said Maddie, "You were that megalomaniac!"

"That's impossible!" said Stew, "I gave up on my plans for world domination years ago. I'm a leading scientist for the CIA. I help people, now."

"YOU PANSY!" shouted Stewie to his future self.

"Maddie, stop!" said younger Maddie, "That's your uncle! Don't kill him!"

Maddie did not respond as she kept pointing the gun to Stewie.

"Why isn't she listening to me?" she said, "Wait... What's wrong with my eyes?"

"What do you mean?" asked Stew.

"They're a red glow!" she said.

"Your right!" said Stew, "It's like she's being possessed or put under..."

"Mind control!" said a strange voice from somewhere.

"Who said that?" asked Maddie.

"That voice!" said Stewie, "I recognise that obnoxious voice anywhere!"

"That voice could only belong to one person," said Stew, "My half brother, Bertram!"

"Show yourself! Coward!" shouted Stewie as Bertram then stepped from the shadows.

"Long time, no see, Stewart," said Bertram, "You never call, you never write."

"Whoa!" said Maddie as she looked at Bertram, "He almost looks like you. But he's hella ugly, though."

"I know," said Stewie, "Just look at those eyes and lips."

"Yeah!" said Maddie, "It looks like his face was put together by a 3 year old using silly putty."

"Or dog doody!" said Stew as everyone except the brainwashed Maddie and Bertram laughed.

"And we all thought your mom was ugly!" said Stewie.

"Yeah! We all thought... HEY!!!" shouted Maddie.

"ENOUGH!!!" shouted Bertram, "Don't you want to hear how I was able to brainwash my half-niece from the future?"

"No," said Maddie boredly.

"Well I'll tell you anyway just to piss you off!" said Bertram, "You see, after our last encounter I had been plotting my revenge for some time. I needed to find the perfect way to kill you. One that would humiliate you and drive you insane before your death. Then one day at the park, I noticed that you were with a blonde baby girl who you referred to as your neice. I thought it would be perfect to have her brainwashed and have her kill you. Things changed however when I was creating my brainwashing bracelet. A portal appeared from nowhere and out came the elder Madeline. She claimed to have come from the future to kill me, but I would not stand for it. I was able to defeat her and have put her under my control. She now obeys my every command. In the future, you become a slave to my power! Now, kill Stewart!"

"Yes master," said Furture Maddie.

"Master?!?! Man, that sucks!" said Maddie, "I'm totally his bitch!"

The elder Maddie pulls the trigger, but Stewie jumps out of the way just in time. Stewie starts running with bullets trailing behind him and making holes on the fence.

"Oh hi, y'all," said Cleveland from behind the fence as Stewie ran by. Holes began being made in front of a now screaming Cleveland as what appeared to be blood started leaking from them, "OH MY GOD!!! You killed the midget I wanted to show you! See?" Cleveland raises a midget who was shot numerous times.

The elder Maddie then runs out of bullets from her guns.

"HA!" laughed Stewie, "You wasted all your bullets! You suck! Ah ha ha ha ha!" Maddie then pulls out a huge heat seeking rocket launcher, "Ha ha- Well, I'm boned!"

She starts shooting out missiles like crazy and Stewie narrowly avoids them. One of them veers of course and hits Cleveland.

"AAAAAHHH!!!" he shouts, "Now you blew up the hot barbecue I was gonna give you!"

"We have to stop her!" said Maddie, "If she kills Stewie, you'll cease to exist!"

"Oh my god, you're right!" said Stew, "That and I need to return the favor to your future self. I still owe her..."

"For what?"

"Oh please don't make me say it," said Stew.

"What?"

"I... took her to my High School prom," said Stew.

Maddie just stared at Stew for a few seconds and then bursted out in laughter.

"You took your own niece to the prom?!?!" she laughed, "That's just weak! What a loser!"

"Well at least I didn't... No no," said Stew, "I think I'll let you find out for yourself."

"Find out what?"

"Well, that you... No no. I don't want to spoil it for you."

"What?!?! What is it?!?!"

"It's nothing, really. Although you told me that we were never to speak of it again."

"Was it really that big?"

"Trust me, when it happens, you won't forget it. Now lets get to work!"

Meanwhile inside, Brian is sitting on the couch watching TV. He then takes a look out the window and sees the future Maddie chasing Stewie with the rocket launcher. He then sees an ugly red haired football headed boy laughing maniacally and running away from baby Maddie and a man who looks like Stewie.

"Holy crap!" said Brian as he ran upstairs and opened Meg's door, "Zack, Meg you have to come outside and see- WHOA!"

To Brian's surprise he sees Meg in Dominatrix lingerie holding a whip and Zack with his feet and hands tied together with a ballgag in his mouth. They look at Brian in surprise as he quickly shuts the door. Brian then shakes his head and opens the door to see Zack and Meg suddenly in their normal clothes reading magazines.

"Oh hi, Brian," said Meg casually, "What do you need?"

"Wait a minute," said Brian, "I thought I saw..."

"Saw what?" asked Zack.

"Nevermind," said Brian as he shook his head, "You have to come outside! Something really strange is going on!"

Meg and Zack followed Brian outside where they see all the carnage and mayhem that's going on.

"Isn't that future Maddie?" asked Meg.

"And why is she trying to kill Stewie?" asked Zack.

"Mom! Dad!" said Baby Maddie, "Something's terribly wrong!"

"Who the heck is that guy?" asked Zack.

"Yeah, he looks familiar," said Meg.

"He's Stewie from 30 years in the future," said Maddie.

"Wow," said Zack, "Stewie goes bald when he's _30_?!?!"

"Well at least I didn't cry like a big baby and used rogaine that turned me into a monster that tried to eat the town when I lost my hair," said Stew.

"Oh yeah?" challenged Zack, "Well... um... you're bald!!!"

"...Ouch," said Stew who looked hurt.

"Why is she trying to kill Stewie?" asked Meg, "Oh my god! Is she on drugs?!?!"

"Yes, but that's not why," said Stew, "Meg, she's been brainwashed by Bertram. Anyway, that's the thing I was talking about earlier, Maddie. You have a drug problem."

"Who doesn't???"

"Good point."

"Who's Bertram?" she asked.

"Oh, I forgot you've never met him," said Stew, "He's our evil half brother who looks kinda like me, only uglier and because he's being raised by lesbians and has no male role model he'll probably grow up to be a full blown homo."

Adult Maddie then runs out of ammo and pulls out her second pistol. She starts shooting at Stewie again who dodges the bullets gracefully.

"Maddie, stop this insanity right now," said Zack as Maddie stopped shooting and looked at Zack, "Maddie, it's me. Your father. Listen to me, you don't want to kill Stewie. You're being controlled, but you can fight it. See with your heart, not with-" before Zack can continue, Maddie shoots him in the leg causing Zack to fall over and clutch it, "AAAAAHHH!!! OH CHRIST!!! YOU PSYCHO BITCH!!! YOU SHOT ME IN THE F(bleep)KING LEG!!! OOOOWWW!!! AAAAHHHH!!!"

Stew then rushes in and tackles the elder Maddie who then loses her gun in a storm drain. They both go into a fist fight and start pulling off well choreographed martial arts moves. Maddie, however, gains the upperhand and kicks Stew onto the house wall. Stewie is too tired to run after all the running and dodging he did and is helpless as the elder Maddie wraps her hands around his neck and begins to choke him.

"That's it!" said Bertram, "Finish him!"

"Maddie!" shouted Meg, "Let him go!"

She, baby Maddie, and Brian try their hardest to release future Maddie's grip, but she won't let go. Stewie then starts struggling to breathe as everything is staring to go black for him. The elder Stew then starts having trouble breathing and is starting to fade away.

"Stew!" shouted Maddie, "What's happening?"

"I think Stewie's dying!" said Brian, "And his future self is starting to fade from existance!"

"Maddie!" shouted Meg as she pointed Zack's shotgun to Maddie, "Drop him, NOW! Don't make me do this!"

She, however, ignored Meg and continued to strangle Stewie. Stewie's eyes were starting to roll to the back of his head as Stew was fading some more.

"Meg, she won't be releasing that grip any time soon!" said Stew, "She's like a pitbull!"

"Maddie, a pitbull's jaw locks when it bites," said Brian, "I don't know how to say this but, we have to release that lock like you would with a pitbull!"

"How?!?1" asked Meg.

"You... You have to kill her!" said Brian as he almost choked.

"But she's my daughter!" said Meg, "I can't do it!"

"We don't have much of a choice!" said Zack, "If Maddie kills Stewie, he's gone forever! But Maddie's from the future and we can change her destiny! You have to pull the trigger!"

Meg's eyes began to fill with tears at the thought of having to shoot her own daughter. She needed to react fast as Stewie didn't have anytime left. She had to make a decision right now...

"Forgive me..." said Meg as she pulled the trigger.

Meanwhile inside the house, Peter and Lois are watching TV when they hear the gunshot go off.

"Excuse you, Lois!" said Peter offended.

Back outside, Meg is shaking with the shotgun in her hand as tears are coming from her eyes.

"Oh my god," said Zack, "That was a point blank shot... to the head... AND YOU MISSED!!!"

"I TOLD YOU I COULDN'T DO IT!!!" shouted Meg.

"HOW THE HELL CAN YOU MISS A SHOT LIKE THAT!?!?!" shouted Zack.

"I wonder what I hit?" asked Meg.

"My control panel!" shouted Bertram it sparked with electricity and exploded, "NOOOO!!!"

Maddie's eyes then went back to normal as she released Stewie from her grip. Stew started fading back into place.

"I'm still alive!" said Stew, "We did it!!!"

"I WAS SO CLOSE!!!" shouted Bertram as he was then grabbed by the neck by the elder Maddie.

"Alright, you little bastard!" she said angrily as she put out her fist, "I think it's time I returned the favor!"

"I don't think so! HAHAHAHAH!" he laughed as he threw down a smoke bomb. As the dust cleared he was still in Maddie's grip, "Oh crap. I was supposed to run, wasn't I?"

"Pulverize him!" shouted Stewie.

"Oh look! It's Justin Timberlake!" he said.

"Where?" said Maddie as she pulled out her combat knife.

"Sucker!" he said as he got out of her grip ran away.

"DAMN!" she shouted angrily, "Why do I _always_ fall for that?!?!" she looked at Zack, "Why are you bleeding?"

"Just get me to a damn hospital," said Zack.

Later on, evreybody is saying goodbye as the future Maddie and Stew return to their respective time periods.

"Anyway, thanks for saving me, mom," said Maddie, "Even if it was a misfire."

"Well, I think we better get going," said Stew, "Or else I'll miss Freddy vs Jason vs Alien vs. Predator vs King Kong vs Godzilla vs Dracula vs Frankenstien vs Mario vs Donkey Kong vs Robocop vs Terminator II: the big orgy."

"The big WHAT? Has hollywood gotten worse over the years?" asked Zack

"No, it's still more or less the same," said Stew.

"Please be safe," said Meg as she and Zack hugged Maddie.

Maddie and Stewie then walked into the time portal as it closed.

"You know," said Stewie, "I'm sorry I accused you."

"Oh you'll make it up in the future," said Maddie, "In high school. Loser..."

"Huh?" Stewie asked confused.

**End Chapeter.**


	34. Diane Simmons is Crazy

**Chapter 34: You Can't Spell Insane Without Diane Simmons.**

Peter and the family(except Zack who's still at work) are in the living room watching TV one day.

"We now return to _Winnie the Pooh and Anger Management, Too _" said the announcer on TV.

**Cutaway to TV**

Winnie the Pooh is in an anger management class speaking to everybody.

"I shouldn't be here," said Pooh, "Okay, sure I lost my temper and beat the hell out of Christopher Robin with an aluminum baseball bat and then shoved his face into a waffle iron, but C'MON! For god's sake, the boy's best friends are stuffed animals! STUFFED ANIMALS! _Somebody_ had to stop him before he developed some freaky plush fetish! Also, you can't honestly say that nobody in this has never thought of beating the crap Tigger!"

**End Cutaway**

Zack then comes home looking very excited.

"You're not going to believe what happened at work today!" said Zack.

"Did you catch a leprechaun?" asked Peter.

"Nope, but I'm still trying. Just change to the news and find out," said Zack.

Peter then changes the channel to the Quahog News with Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons.

"South Carolina will now be refered to as lower North Carolina due to racist complaints about the word South," said Tom Tucker, "We now go to Ollie Williams with his thoughts. Ollie?"

"That's good!" he shouted quickly.

"Thanks Ollie," said Tom, "We now go to Diane Simmons with her special report."

"Thank you, Tom," said Diane, "Earlier today, owner and manager of Murdock's Autoshop, Quahog's own Zack Murdock, saved my life! We have footage."

**Cutaway to footage.**

At the Murdock Auto Shop, Diane brings her car in for repairs.

"I'd like to have my car fixed," said Diane.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked Zack.

"I keep feeling these wierd vibrations under my seat," she said.

"Okay, then, let's have a look," said Zack as he was about to look.

Suddenly, a gunman enters the room, wraps his arm around Diane's neck and points his gun to her head. This man is the Mass Media Murderer from "The Kiss Seen Around the World". Yup, it's him again.

"Alright! Nobody move or I'll blow this bitch's brains out!" he said.

"DO WHAT HE SAYS!" screamed Diane, "I'M TOO PRETTY TO DIE!"

"YOU!" shouted Zack.as he pointed to him.

"Hey! You were that Clerk I robbed 2 years ago," he said, "How you been?"

"Dude! I got shot in the face and you left me for dead!" said Zack

"Yeah, that was funny, wasn't it?" he laughed, "Enough small talk! This newslady is gonna be signing off... PERMANENTLY!"

(A/N: Yup, that robbery actually did happen except Death didn't show up and Zack was rushed to the hospital.)

"Hey, look! It's Hugh Downs and he's laughing at you!" said Zack pointing.

"What? Where!" he said angrily as he pointed his gun to where Zack was pointing.

Zack then punched the gun from his hand and punched Triple M(that's what we'll call him from now on) in the face, knocking him away from Diane. Zack tries to throw some punches, but Triple M keeps blocking them and punches Zack. He then upppercuts Zack sending him flying across the room. He then runs towards Zack, who gets up and does a jumping spin kick knocking Triple M away. Zack mounts on him and gets in a few punches, but Triple M blocks one of his punch and kicks Zack off of him. He then grabs Zack by his shirt and punches him repeatedly until he knocks him out. He then walks over to his gun, picks it up, aims it at Diane and is about to pull the trigger. A chain suddenly clenches around his neck causing him to choke and drop his gun.

"COME 'ERE!!!" shouted Zack in Scorpion's voice as he pulled the chain towards him. Zack punches him in the face once, then twice, then tree times, and then swings the chain really hard tossing Tripple M into a wall knocking him out cold. Zack then dusts himself off and looks into Diane's car, "Well here's your problem," said Zack, "There's a vibrator under the seat."

"So that's where that went," said Diane.

**End Cutaway.**

"So Zack Murdock, wherever you are... Thank you," Said Diane.

"Wow...," said Tom in amazement, "The camera _does_ add 50 pounds! You looked like a cow in that, Diane!"

"Zack, you're a hero!" said Lois.

"Oh my gosh!" said Meg, "I can't wait to tell everyone at school that I'm married to a hero!"

"You know, Meg," said Peter, "Being married to a hero isn't all it's cracked up to be."

**Cutaway.**

Silver Surfer is coming into his house to his wife who is some random woman.

"So how was your day, Silver?" she asked.

"Exhausting, Carol," said SS, "Had to fight Galactimus again and on my way home, I was attacked by Spider-Man. Can't I just go one day without having to fight some random Marvel superhero?"

**"**That's nice, dear," said Carol.

"So... You think we can... you know..." he said slyly.

"Silver, we've been over this a thousand times!" said Carol, "You're made of cold silver!"

"You know what?" he said, "Fine! I'll be in the basement with my Playboys! AGAIN!!!"

**End Cutaway.**

At the Drunken Clam, Zack and Peter enter the bar with everybody cheering Zack.

"Hey everybody! Drinks are me!" said Zack, "Ha! Yeah right! Just these four! Like I'm gonna pay for all you damn moochers!"

"Wow," said Cleveland, "I can't believe I'm actually sitting with a hero!"

"Hey!" said Joe, "What about me?"

"I can't believe I'm sitting with a hero who isn't crippled!" corrected Cleveland.

"Better," said Joe.

"So what's it like being a big hero?" asked Quagmire.

"It's pretty cool, I guess," said Zack, "People are worshipping the ground I walk on!"

People right near Zack are on their knees bowing.

"All hail Zack's ground!" they chanted, "All hail Zack ground!"

"But enough of this hero talk," said Zack.

"Yeah," said Peter, "Let's talk about something else... like wrestling."

"Yeah, wrestling!" said Zack, "When you think about it, wrestling is kinda like porn. Two half naked people get together, their bodies touching and rolling around, and there's lots of action that builds up and up and up until the climax! And the reason these people get together is because of some rediculous story."

The guys just stare at Zack for a moment.

"ZACK'S A HERO!" shouted Joe as everybody celebrated.

The next day, Zack walks into Cleveland's Deli with Peter since Cleveland told him to come over earlier.

"Here you are," said Cleveland, "One free hero sandwich for the hero."

"Wow thanks, Clevland," said Zack as he took the sandwich.

Meanwhile in the other side of the deli, Tom and Diane are having lunch.

"This just in," said Tom, "My sandwich!"

"Must you always do that?" asked Diane annoyed as she turned to see Zack taking his sandwich, "Oh my gosh! It's him! Tom! It's him!"

Diane poking at Tom causing Mr. Tucker to choke on his sandwich.

"HURGH!!!" he chokes as he grabs onto his neck trying to breathe.

"I'm going to go talk to him!" she said as she left Tom who fell to the floor.

"I wish I could save someone's life and be a hero, too," said Cleveland.

"Somebody will show up and need your help, someday," said Zack, "You'll see."

Tom then crawls up to Cleveland, grabs onto his leg and makes choking noises for help.

"Sir, will you please stop making those disgusting noises?" asked Cleveland, "People are trying to eat in this fine establishment."

"Boy, the things people do to get attention these days," said Peter.

"I know. The nerve of some people," said Zack.

Diane then comes up to Zack while standing on Tom who grunts in pain.

"Hi, there Zack," said Diane, "I just wanted to thank you again. You know, for saving my life and all."

"You're welcome, Miss Simmons," said Zack.

"Please, call me Diane," she said as she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, "So... What are you doing tonight?"

"Um, I'm gonna eat this sandwich," said Zack.

"And then what?" she asked as she flutters her eyelashes innocently.

"...Then I'm gonna watch TV."

"And then what?"

"...Then I'm gonna eat dinner."

"And then what?"

"...Then I'm gonna eat some more of this sandwich."

"...Then I'm gonna go to bed. And while I'm there I'll finish off the rest of this sandwich."

"Wouldn't you rather have an "exclusive interview" with me at, oh, I don't know, a very romantic resteraunt instead?" she asked.

"...Nnnnnnnno, not really," said Zack as he stood there for a few seconds, "Well, see ya later!"

"Darn!" she said as she stomped her high heels onto Tom's back and walked away. Tom's body then twitches a little.

Back at home, The grownups are playing a game of scrabble while Maddie and Stewie are on the floor playing with toys.

"Stewie, I'm thirsty," said Maddie, "Can I have some of your juice?"

"I will give you no such thing! This is MY juice!" said Stewie, "Get your own juice!"

"Oh... well can you get me a juicebox?" she asked.

"I'm not getting you a juicebox!" said Stewie.

"You're my uncle! You're supposed to get me juiceboxes whenever I say! Now get me a juicebox!"

"Do you know who the deuce you're talking to?"

"I'm talking to the juicebox guy!"

"You're crazy!"

"I'm not crazy! I'm just thirsty!"

"GO TO HELL!"

"No, YOU go to hell! And while you're there, why don't you grab me a juicebox!"

They then sit there for a few seconds in silence.

"I hate Will Ferrell," said Stewie.

"Me too," said Maddie.

Lois, Peter, Jillian, and Zack are playing the game of Scrabble while Meg is watching. Jillian is going next trying to decide what word to spell.

"Come on, Jillian!" said Peter, "Spell something already!"

"I can't!" said Jillian, "I can't think of anything to spell with these words!" her letters spelled out "Antihistamine", "Aha! I've got one... "he"!"

"Peter, it's your turn," said Lois.

"Let's see..." thought Peter, "Um... "Puh"."

"That's very good, Peter," said Lois.

"That's not a word!" said Zack, "You just made it up!"

"It is too a word!" said Peter, "It's in the dictionary."

"It is?" he asked Zack.

"Yup," said Peter, "The dictionary... of Peter."

Zack just stared at Peter blankly.

"...Take those letters off!" said Zack, "In fact take all of them off! They all aren't real!"

"Zack, you can't just get rid of Peter's words," said Lois, "Those are his hard earned points."

"What? Hard earned my ass!" said Zack, "Just what kind of words are "Bork" " Swalk" "Porwall" "Kuwap" and "Jeryork". Meanwhile, I'm busting my ass thinking up REAL words that people actually use and coming up short! You wouldn't even let me use Ceverza!"

"Well what kind of word is "Ceverza" anyway?" asked Peter.

"It's spanish for beer!" said Zack, "It's a real word!"

"We don't use foreign words!" said Lois.

"That's bull!" said Zack, "You let him use "caca" and that's the only real word he has!"

"Enough!" said Lois, "Peter's just being creative."

"Alright then," said Zack as he laid down his letters.

"What is that?" asked Jillian.

"Torbongo!" said Zack.

"Torbongo?" asked Lois, "That's not a real word."

"Oh I'm sorry!" said Zack, "I was just being CREATIVE!!!"

"You don't get the points," said Lois, "Peter, it's your turn."

"Let's see," said Peter, "How about... Torbongo."

"Wow, Peter," said Lois, "You get triple word score!"

"AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHH!!!!" shouted Zack in frustrated as he grabbed the gameboard and threw it across the room. He jumping up and down in anger as he starting shouting out random cuss words to the top of his lungs. He then started breathing in and out very heavily.

"Oh look!" said Jillian, "I could've spelled Antihistamine."

"I warned you not to play with them," said Meg, "They're bigger cheats than a computer on hard mode."

**Cutaway.**

A man is sitting down playing checkers on his computer. He's got the CPU down to his last piece.

"Alright!" said the man, "One more move and I win the game!"

"Yeah, that's great for you," said the computer, "Yeah, today you'll finally beat the computer at checkers on hard mode. That... that's a pretty big accompishment. Yeah, nobody's been able to do that so far and HEY LOOK OVER THERE!"

"Where?" he said as he turned around and the computer deletes his pieces, "Oh I don't see nothing- Hey, what happened to my chess pieces?"

"I dunno, but it's my move," said the comp, as he took out the rest of the man's pieces in one jump, "Hey look at that. I win again!"

"Aw, shoot! You ARE hard!" he said.

**End Cutaway.**

The doorbell then rings and Zack goes to answer it. There stands Diane Simmons.

"Um, hi Diane," said Zack.

"Hi, Zack," said Diane, "I just came here to give you something."

"Wow, a rollex," said Zack as he took it, "Wait... Why are the initials T.T. on it?"

"That's a typo," she said.

"Oh, okay then," said Zack.

"Tell me something," she asked as she began twirling a lock of hair with her finger, "Do you think I'm pretty?"

"Huh?"

"I said do you think I'm pretty?"

"Sure, I guess," said Zack, "I mean, I did have a mad crush on you when I was a teenager."

"Really?" she asked.

"Sure. Well, goodbye," said Zack as he closed the door.

The next morning, the family is on the couch watching the news.

"In local news, a school is set on fire," said Tom, "Hundreds of children have died. The cause of the fire is believed to have been started by this man. If you know the whereabouts-"

"Tom, that's boring!" said Diane, "Nobody cares about those people! In other more important news, I'm in love!"

Meg and Lois then get giddy and squeel like excited little schoolgirls.

"Oh my god!" said Peter, "Those poor children!"

"SHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" said Lois, "I want to hear this."

"That's right!" said Diane, "I have finally found the man of my dreams! He lives here in Quahog, runs his own business, and said that he had a crush on me!"

"Wow, I hope he's cute," said Meg.

"His name? Zack Murdock! Here's a file photo," she said as the screen showed a picture of Zack beating up Tigger in Disneyland.

"WHAT?!?!?" screamed Meg.

"Hey, that guy looks familar," said Peter, "But I can't put my finger on who he is."

"Peter, that's m-" said Zack.

"Wait, wait!" said Peter, "I wanna figure it out on my own."

"How could you?!?!" said Meg.

"How could I what?!?!" said Zack

"Why did you tell her those things?" she said.

"Hey, I was just trying to be nice!" said Zack, "I didn't think she'd do THAT?"

"Wow," said Maddie, "Does this mean I'll be getting two mommies? I have this friend who has two mommies and she's a Morman. I also have this other friend who has two daddies. I think their religion is called Gay."

"No it doesn't!" said Meg, "Zack, you're going to the news studio and I want you to tell Diane that you're not interested in her."

"You don't have to tell me twice!" said Zack as he rushed to his car

"Is the guy on TV WWE wrestler, Edge?" asked Peter finally.

Zack goes into the news studio and runs up to Diane.

"So, did you see the special report?" she asked.

"Yes and there's something I have to tell you!" said Zack.

"You don't have to say it!" said Diane, "Yes! I WILL marry you!"

"No! I'm here to tell you that I'm already married!" said Zack.

"What?" said Diane.

"Here's her picture," said Zack as he showed her a picture of Meg.

"Wait, you'd rather be with that... that THING than ME?" she said, "Tom, look at this! He'd rather be married to _that_ instead of me!"

"So?" asked Tom, "So what if he'd rather be married to a gorilla than you? Doesn't everybody?"

"At least _my_ kid's not an upside down headed freak," muttered Zack.

Tom then broke out crying and ran away.

"Anyway, here's that rollex back!" said Zack annoyed, "Now if you'll excuse me, I must go back to that gorilla... named Peter. I'd never call Meg a gorilla. I'm sorry if that's what you thought."

Zack then left the studio leaving Diane all alone.

"Oh, you WILL be mine, Zack Murdock!" said Diane, "You'll see!"

One night, Zack is closing down his shop and is in the parking lot. As he's about to open the door to his car, a dark figure from behind him hits him in the head with a lead pipe. He then falls unconscious and is dragged away. Meanwhile at home, Meg is getting very worried.

"It's been 5 hours!" asked Meg, "Why hasn't he come home, yet?"

"I don't know!" said Lois, "Peter, I'm worried!"

"Calm down," said Peter, "Now here's what we'll do. We'll sit on the sofa and do absolutely nothing about it. It will solve itself!"

"But dad!" protested Meg.

"No, just you watch!" said Peter, "Now sit down!"

Meg and Lois then reluctantly sit down on the couch. Then the doorbell rings. Meg goes to answer it and sees Tom Tucker.

"Mr. Tucker?" she asked.

"Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker" said Tom in that achorman tone, "I came here to warn you that Diane may be trying to kidnap your husband!"

"What?" she asked.

"You see, I was in her dressing room trying to steal one of her bras and panties and I found this," he said as he handed her a note, "And just why did I want Diane's undergarments? Find out tonight at 11."

"Oh my gosh! She kidnapped Zack!" said Meg as she looked at the note, "It says that she's going to take him to her house!"

"Peter, we have to save Zack!" said Lois.

"I know," said Peter, "I still owe him from the time he saved my life."

**Flashback**

Peter is on the couch eating fried chicken. While eating he chokes on a piece of chicken.

"gasp... Lois... Chris... gasp... choke... Brian..." Peter tries to shout but he can't breathe. Peter coughs and weezes while stumbling around the house knocking things over in hopes of someone helping him.

"Peter! I thought I told you to stop practicing breakdancing moves in the house!" shouts Lois from upstairs.

Peter tries to say something but nothing comes out. He then notices Chris.

"Hey dad, is there something wrong?" asked Chris.

Peter then flails his arms around frantically while pointing at his throat, hoping Chris would get the message.

"I know! You want a donut!" said Chris as he shoves a donut into his mouth making it even harder to breathe, "See you later dad!"

Peter's began to lose sight, and his breath began shortening. Then from out of the blue, Zack runs into the room and quickly cack sacks Peter, causing him to promptly spit out the donut and the chicken bone! Peter then gasped for air.

"What the F(bleep)CK did you do to my CD player?!?!" shouted Zack, "I found a Frikkin' slice of bologne in it!!!"

"Zack, you saved my life!" said Peter, "I'm gonna repay you for this someday!"

"I kick a guy in the balls and he says I saved his life," said Zack, "Ooookay... Whatever."

**End Flashback.**

Zack was finally regaining consciousness to see Diane in a fancy dress looking back at him. Zack tries to move but can't since he's tied to a chair.

"What the hell is this?" he asked.

"Oh hi there, sleepy head!" she said, "You're just in time for a nice romantic dinner!"

"Diane, just let me go," said Zack in a calm manner, "You don't want to do this."

"Oh but I do!" she said in a maniacal tone, "You shouldn't have said no! But that's okay! Now we can be together forever and ever and ever! Just you and me! FOREVER!"

"My god! You're acting insane!" said Zack.

"No, YOU'RE insane! You rejected me! You broke my heart, but I know how you can make it up to me."

"Oh crap! You're going to rape me aren't you?"

"Actually I was going to just kiss you, but YES! That's even better!"

"DAMMIT!" shouted Zack.

Diane is just about to take off her clothes when Meg bursts through the door along with Peter and Lois.

"Let my husband go, you bitch!" she shouted.

"Never!" shouted Diane, "He's mine! MINE!!!"

Diane then leaps at Meg and they start getting into a catfight. They roll around a bit and start pulling on their hair and ripping up their clothes. They bite, kick, scratch, and slap each other like crazy.

"This is hot!" said Zack.

They start fighting on the table, shoving food at each other. Meg then slaps Diane and slams her face into a creme pie. Diane then grabs spinach and throws it at Meg.

"Girls, stop!" said Lois, "This is no way to behave like-" she was then cut off by a drumstick to the face, "Oh that's it!" Lois then joins in the catfight. All three start clawing at each other, pulling their hair and throwing food at each other.

"This is really hot!" said Peter.

"I know!" said Zack, "But since I'm all tied up, it hurts when I get an erection."

"Really?" asked Peter.

"Oh yeah!" said Zack, "It's like, really annoying. It... it feels like it's stuck. You know, just stuck... and bending."

"I know that feeling," said Peter, "It happens when you wear tight underwear."

"Yeah, I hate that," said Zack, "It gets really annoying when it starts riding up."

"Yeah, it's like a big wedgie," said Peter.

"I know! A really big wedgie. And what's really bad is that you can't do anything about it when you're in public."

"Oh I hate that!"

"Yeah, people think that you're picking your ass," said Zack, "You have to, like, try to ignore it."

"You know what else is annnoying?"

"What?"

"When your pubic hairs get caught," said Peter.

"Oh god, that's the worst!" said Zack, "Oh I hate that!"

"I know, and it hurts like hell when you walk," said Peter.

"...So," said Zack, "You think you can untie me?"

"...No," said Peter, "I wanna keep watching this."

"Oh, that's cool," said Zack.

The girls keep on going and going until Meg finally beats the crap out of Diane.

"He's MINE!" said Meg, "And if I ever catch you near him again, I'll kick your ass!"

"Wow, Meg!" said Zack as she untied him, "That was awesome! And watching you, Diane, and Lois rolling around, getting your hair messy, and getting food all over you was kind of a turn on!"

"Oh, Zack!" she said as she kissed him. They both then turn to Diane to see her on the floor crying.

"You know," said Zack, "I kind of actually feel sorry for her. When you think about, all she really wanted was to be loved."

"I suppose," said Lois, "But what can we do."

Suddenly Quagmire bursts through the door.

"Hey! My horny senses were tingling," he said, "And they led me right here! Was there a cat fight?"

"And I think I just got me an idea!" said Zack, "Diane, I want you to meet Glen Quagmire. He's a pilot."

"Oh... hello," said Diane as she straightened her hair.

"Well, hello," said Quagmire as he and Diane walked up to each other, "Say, why don't we come over to my place so we can giggity giggity get it on!"

They both leave the room.

"See?" said Zack, "All's well that ends well."

1 day later at the Drunken Clam...

"So now she put a restraining order on you?" asked Peter.

"I don't see what the big deal was!" said Quagmire.

"Dude, from what I heard, you tried to use a cucumber, a beer bottle, and a garden hose on her," said Zack.

"So? Doesn't everybody?" asked Quagmire.

Everybody then stares at Quagmire for a moment and then shrugs.

"Yeah. I guess when you think about it, we've all done it at least once," said Peter.

"Agreed," said Zack as everyone continued to drink their beers.

**End Chapter.**


	35. Swear to God

**Chapter 35: Swear to God**

It was a seemingly normal Saturday morning and everybody was sleeping in. Maddie, however wakes up in her crib with Chip in her arms. She climbs out and looks out the window to see something very amazing... The front yard was covered in snow!

"It's snowing!" she said as she ran out the room to her parents' room.

Meanwhile in Meg and Zack's room, Zack was tossing and turning in his sleep having a nightmare.

"No... no..." he mumbled, "Louie Anderson? What are you doing here?... W...Why are you pouring barbecue sauce on me?... let me go... no... Not John Goodman!... help... help... HELP!!! AAAAAAUUUHHHH!!!!" he screamed as Meg fell off the bed.

"You had the fat people cannibal dream again, didn't you?" asked Meg.

"Mom! Dad!" said Maddie as she ran into the room, "It's snowing!"

"It is?" asked Meg as she and Zack looked out the window.

"Wow!" said Zack, "It's whiter than Michael Jackson out there! He used to be black, though. Kinda sad when you think about it."

"I wanna go play in the snow!" said Maddie.

"Slow down," said Meg, "You have to eat breakfast first."

"Breakfast? But that's boring!" said Maddie.

"You should listen to your mom," said Zack, "It's the most important meal of the day. You need it like Skeletor needing plastic surgery."

**Cutaway**

Skeletor is at a rhinoplasty with the doctor about ready to get everything done.

"Okay," said the doctor, "Once we're completed, you'll be an entirely different person."

"Excellent! And DON'T skimp on the nosejob!" said Skeletor, "From this day forward, I shall be now known as... Paris Hilton!"

**End Cutaway.**

The family is having breakfast downstairs when Jillian walks into the house with her babies in her arms.

"Oh, hi Jillian," said Lois, "What brings you here?"

"It's snowing!" she said, "I wanted to bring Tilly and C.J. over to play with Maddie and the talking football."

"What did you just call me?!?!" asked Stewie, "You _know_ my name and you shall address me by such or I'll bitchslap you so hard your IQ points will drop lower than a rapper's pants and that would be quite a feat consider your low intellect!"

"...Whatever you say, talking football," said Jillian.

Maddie was eating up her breakfast very quickly and making quite a mess while doing so.

"Madeline, slow down!" said Lois.

"Yeah, who do you think you are?" asked Peter, "John Goodman?"

Zack then starting screaming with the mental images of his nightmare flashing into his mind. He proceeds to beat himself on the head with a frying pan rather hard.

"That's much better," sighed Zack as the top of his head was bleeding.

"Sorry grandma," said Maddie, "But I want to go outside and play as much as I can!"

"Well, there's no need to rush. That snow isn't going anywhere," said Lois.

"Hey Maddie," said Jillian, "Do you want to know how snow is made?"

"Oh wait. Don't tell us," said Lois, "It's frozen fairy dust, right?"

"No, no!" said Zack, "It's frozen stars falling from the sky."

"No," said Meg, "It's rain frozen from embarassment!"

"No," said Brian, "It's rain in slow motion!"

"No," said Stewie, "It's God pouring sugar on the Earth!"

"No," said Peter, "It's God eating fried chicken and the crumbs are falling!"

Lois, Zack, Stewie, Meg, Brian, and Peter then laugh at their remarks.

"Actually, you're all wrong," said Jillian, "Snow is formed by water vapors in cold clouds that condense into ice crystals."

"The ice crytals fasten onto a dust speck," continued Chris, "One crystal attaches to another, which forms a snowflake. Once the snowflake is heavy enough, it falls from the cloud."

Everyone then looks on at Chris and Jillian with their jaws dropped.

"What? It's true!" said Jillian.

Later, everyone is outside enjoying themselves in the snow. Maddie, Stewie, Tilly and C.J. are laughing and playing in the snow having a small snowball fight while the grownups and Meg and Chris watched.

"Wow," said Meg, "Just look at all our kids playing."

"Yeah," said Chris, "Except C.J."

"I know," said Jillian, "He's just wasting his time building a stupid snowman."

C.J. builds a snow sculpture of Michaelangelo's David.

"You know what would be great?" asked Peter, "If we build the kids a treehouse."

"Hey, that's not a bad idea," said Zack.

"You guys are gonna build a treehouse?" asked Lois.

"You guys can't even build a toaster," said Meg.

"Meg, I'm a mechanic!" said Zack, "We can build anything if we put our minds to it."

A few hours later...

"There," said Zack as he wiped the sweat off his forehead, "It took us 3 hours, but we finally built it."

"It may not be the best," said Peter, "But it should be good enough."

"Wow," said Meg, "I was wrong. You guys CAN build a toaster."

"And now we test it," said Peter as he placed a piece of bread in it. A few seconds later out pops...

"A WAFFLE!?!?! WHAT KIND OF STUPID TOASTER MAKES WAFFLES?!?! YOU PIECE OF JUNK!" shouted Zack as he grabbed the "Toaster" and banged it against a tree repeatedly until it's smashed to pieces, "Despite the waffles, we will build a treehouse anyway."

"Oh man!" said Peter, "That toaster was crappier than your wedding."

**Flashback**

In Las Vegas in a very crappy looking chapel, Meg and Zack are walking down the aisle. Zack is wearing his black suit while Meg is wearing a beautiful white wedding dress and is 9 months pregnant with Madeline.

"I'm sorry I couldn't afford a better wedding," said Zack, "Or a decent ring. The one I got came from a gumball machine."

"It's alright," said Meg, "On the bright side, at least the wedding dress is nice."

"Oh about that," said Zack, "When we get back to the hotel, I want you to take that dress off immediately and take a shower."

"Why?"

"My aunt died in that dress," said Zack, "It took us one hell of a time to dig her up, too."

"So _that's_ what that smell is..."

**End Flashback.**

Later at the Home Supply store, Peter and Zack are looking for supplies to build the treehouse.

"Alright, now you let me do the talking," said Peter, "I know how to talk to these workshop types."

"Whatever," said Zack.

"Excuse me," said Peter as he came up to an employee.

"Yes, can we help you?" asked the employee.

"Five words," said Peter, "Ash Ketchum and Patty Mayonaise."

Zack and the employee just stare at Peter for about 10 seconds.

"What the hell does an idiot and a lesbian have to do with this?" asked Zack.

"I dunno," said Peter, "But their names sound like condiments! Heheheheheh! Condiments! Heheheheheh! Condoms!"

"You'll have to excuse my father in law," said Zack, "He's hooked on stupid. He'll say the first most random thing that pops into his head."

"Zack, who would name their child Sexburth?" asked Peter.

"See what I mean?" asked Zack, "Anyway, we're looking for supplies for building a treehouse."

"Right this way," said the employee as he took him to the aisle with all the tools and equipment they need.

"Wow, look at all this stuff," said Peter, "Nails, wood, super glue, hammers... With all this we'd be just like Tim Allen."

"No just you," said Zack, "I don't have a big enough criminal record...yet."

Later in the Griffin backyard, the guys have all the tools and equipment needed to build a proper treehouse scattered around.

"You know, I'm kinda having second thoughts," said Zack, "I mean, have you looked at this blueprint?"

"C'mon, Zack!" said Peter, "Building this treehouse should be easier than.. than... uh..."

"Easier than Lois on a Saturday night?" asked Zack.

"Yeah, easier than... What?"

"What?"

"Oh well, let's just get started," said Peter, "What first?"

"According to this, the first thing we need is a solid foundation," said Zack, "We just have to make a floor. Take those 2x4's, some nails, and a hammer."

"Okay, gotcha," said Peter as he grabbed said objects.

"Now, I want you to nail the 2x4's together."

"Oooh! Getting kinky aren't we?" asked Peter.

"Just shut up and do it," said Zack.

Peter then stars hammering the nails a little bit and then gets bored quickly.

"This is boring," said Peter, "How about I use this nailgun instead? That should speed things up!"

"Peter, you can't use a nailgun!" said Zack.

"What? It's easy," said Peter, "You just pull the trigger, like this!"

Peter proceeds to pull the trigger, and the nail flies out and shoots Zack in the foot. He then falls to the ground in searing pain.

"OOOOWWWW!!! MY FOOT!!!" shouted Zack.

"Aw, jeez! Oh my god! Zack, I am SO sorry!" said Peter.

"YOU F(bleep)CKER!!! YOU SHOT ME IN MY DAMN FOOT!!!" he shouted.

"Zack, just take it easy!" said Peter.

"TAKE IT EASY?!?! I HAVE A F(BLEEP)CKING NAIL STICKING THROUGH MY FOOT!!! IT HURTS LIKE SH(BLEEP)T!!!"

"Just let me take care of it!" said Peter as he quiclky pulled the nail out of Zack's foot.

"OWWW!"

"See? No problem," said Peter.

Zack then takes the 2x4 and smacks Peter on the head with it.

"WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?!?!" shouts Zack.

"I remove a nail and this is the thanks I get?" said Peter as he took a hammer and hit Zack in the head with it, "Hey, Zack! Are you _hammered_ yet?"

Zack then hits Peter with the 2x4 again.

"I _woodn't_ know!" said Zack.

Peter then pushes Zack who bangs his head against a 2x4 which was covered in super glue. It is now stuck to his head.

"Why Zack! You _woodn't_ happen to be _stuck_ now, _woodn't you_?

Zack takes the nail gun and shoots Peter in the head with it. Miraculaously, he survives.

"I sure hit the _nail_ in the head with that one!" laughed Zack.

Several bad puns later including(but not limited to) "I _saw_ what you just did, there", "You should listen to the _drill_ sargent", "Allow me to _brush_ off your insults", and "bewbs" the family is having dinner. Zack still has the 2x4 stuck to the back of his head and Peter still has the nail in his forehead.

"You were right, Meg," said Zack, "We couldn't do it. I'm probably just gonna hire some handymen to build it."

"Ugh," said Maddie from her high chair, "What's this?"

"That's just brocolli," said Lois, "It's good for you, now eat it."

"I'm not eating this sh(bleep)t!" said Maddie.

Everybody then looked at Maddie in surprise after what she had just said.

"What did you just say to me?" asked Lois is shock.

"I said I'm not eating any f(bleep)king brocolli," said Maddie.

"Madeline Mary Ann Murdock, you watch your tongue!" said Meg.

"Yeah, just where did learn that kind of filth anyway?" said Zack.

"I heard you shouting it at grandpa in the backyard earlier," she said sheepishly.

"What?" said Meg as she gave Zack such a look.

"Um... Whoopsies?" said Zack innocently.

"How can you curse in front of the baby?" she asked.

"I didn't!" said Zack, "She was probably nearby when it happened! You know I'd never curse in front of her."

"Meg, you should punish her," said Lois, "_I_ wouldn't let any of my children get away with swearing."

"You damn well know that's a lie!" said Zack, "You let that little football headed monster curse all the time!"

"It's a damn shame, too," said Stewie, "A damn ass hell bitching shame."

"Cussing babies?" asked Chris, "That's awesome!"

"No Chris! I don't want our babies to learn swear words!" said Jillian, "I don't want them learning words like damn, hell, bitch, whore, slut, ass, f(bleep)ck, sh(bleep)t, and liberal! Isn't that right, babies?" she said as she cuddled the twins.

"Peter, we have to do something," said Lois, "Otherwise, the children will grow up to act like potty mouthed trailer trash!"

"Oh my god!" said Peter, "There's a spikey haired little girl in this house!"

Everybody stares at Peter for a moment. Zack then gets up from his seat, walks next to Peter, tilts his head very quickly so the 2x4 smacks Peter on the head pretty hard, walks back to his seat, and sits down.

"But what can we do?" asked Meg, "Everybody curses in this house."

"Then we'll all just have to stop cursing, then," said Lois.

"Stop cursing?" asked Peter, "That sounds easy enough. I can do it, no sweat."

"Peter, you can't even handle doing simple everyday tasks," said Zack.

"Name one," said Peter.

"Well, you remember the time you put your shoes on the wrong way?" asked Brian.

**Flashback.**

"I'm going for a walk," said Peter as he had his shoes on his buttcheeks and was butt walking like the Red Guy from Cow and Chicken.

**End Flashback. **

"Well anyway, I'm sure I can do this," said Peter, "Now if you'll excuse me, I must blackout now due to the excess blood I have lost earlier."

Peter then quickly falls to the floor and passes out. Everybody just looks at him.

"Should we call an ambulance?" asked Meg, "I mean, he does have a nail sticking in his head."

"Nah, he'll be fine," said Zack.

The next day, the family was sitting on the couch while Lois was finishing installing something in the TV.

"There," said Lois, "I installed a V chip in the TV. It should help us block out all the filth on TV that's corrupting our kids' minds, therefore keeping them from swearing."

Peter then turns on the TV and tries changing the channel, but there's nothing but static.

"Lois, everything's blocked," said Peter, "We can't watch anything on TV!"

"I understand blocking stuff like Spike TV and the Spice Channel," said Zack, "But what about stuff like the Discovery Channel, Lifetime, and the other stuff?"

"Yeah," said Chris, "It's even blocked the Disney Channel. The DISNEY Channel!"

"I don't like you looking at Ashley Tisdale and Brenda Song," said Lois, "They're such teases."

"But what about MTV?" asked Meg.

"There are a lot of skanky music videos on that channel, Meg," said Lois.

"That would be a valid point," said Zack, "IF MTV actually showed music videos every once in a while. Shame on you, MTV," he continued as he pointed to the screen, "Anyway, you even blocked the golf channel!"

"Yeah!" said Peter, "There's nothing wrong with golf."

"I don't know," said Lois, "I just don't like their constant use of the words _balls_ and _holes_."

"I guess all the channels are locked," said Jillian.

"Not all of them," said Peter, "Look, the Food Network's still on."

"Well, I suppose it's better than nothing," said Stewie.

"And that is how you make the perfect birthday cake for that special someone in your life," said the female cook on TV.

"I guess this isn't so bad," said Meg, "Not great, but not bad."

"Next, we'll show you how to make a kosher meal for your jewish friends- KZZZZZZZZ!" the TV went to static.

"Lois," said Peter, "Are you gonna be removing that V chip anytime soon?"

"No," said Lois.

Peter quickly throws the TV out the window and the family watches at it smashes to pieces on the ground. Peter and Zack then give each other a high five as everybody except Lois was cheering and laughing.

"People, I'm serious!" said Lois, "Zack, if we don't clean up our act, just imagine how your daughter would grow up to be like."

**Zack's Imagination**

About 15 years later, Maddie is a young teenager. She's putting on make-up, a mini-skirt, and a halter top.

"I'm going to work," said Maddie, "Anyway, is Mr. Quagmire going out tonght?"

"I think so," said Zack from the other room.

"Then I'll be home a little late," she said as she took a few condoms.

"Have a nice night," said Meg, "Don't forget to get paid up front and remember what grandma taught you!"

**End imagination**

"I guess," said Zack, "But what can we do?"

"Hi," said Maddie as she walked into the living room, "How the hell is everybody?"

"Maddie, will you stop using those words?" asked Meg.

"Why can't I?" she asked, "They're f(bleep)ing cool! Everybody uses them."

"Maddie, there's something very important you should know about those words," said Lois.

"Like what?" she asked.

"Children shouldn't use them," said Lois, "Or else they'll explode."

"W-w-what?" she studdered.

"If you keep using those words, you'll blow up," said Lois.

"Oh, uh, yeah!" lied Peter, "Yeah, your eyes will swell up, your head will pound and then you explode in a big gooey exploding mass of... you."

"I DON'T WANNA EXPLODE!" screamed Maddie.

"Then what you should do is NOT use those words ever again," said Lois, "Because the next time you do, you'll explode."

"I'll never ever use them again," said Maddie, "I promise!"

Maddie then leaves the room.

"Did you have to lie to her?" asked Meg.

"Trust Me. It will keep her from swearing," said Lois, "Besides, she's just a baby."

"I know," said Zack, "But I don't really like lying to my daughter. Well, except for that one time..."

**Flashback. **

In Meg's room, Meg and Zack are having sex under the covers and Maddie walks in on them.

"Mom, dad," she said as she ran in, "There's a monster in the closet and- Huh?"

Zack and Meg then stop what they're doing and turn to see Maddie. Meg quickly covers herself.

"Ummm... What are you guys doing?" asked Maddie.

"I'm... beating up your mother," said Zack.

"Oh, okay then," said Maddie as she walked back to bed.

**End Flashback.**

"There's nothing wrong with lying to your child," said Peter.

"Yeah, sometimes it's okay to lie to kids," said Jillian, "It's better that they don't know some things and it'll make you a better parent, like me."

"Jillian, where are the twins?" asked Chris.

"I dunno," said Jillian.

Later on, Maddie and Stewie were playing Monopoly upstairs.

"Okay, it's my turn," said Stewie as he rolled the dice and moved his piece, "Community chest! Ooh! I placed first in a beauty pagent! Wait, why do I keep getting this card?"

"My turn," said Maddie as she rolled the dice and moved her piece, "What? Go to jail?"

"Oh that's too bad!" said Stewie as he rolled the dice and moved the piece, "Ha! Now I have Reading Railroad!"

"Okay, now it's my turn," said Maddie as she roled the dice and got double numbers to get out, "Community Chest! What?!?! Go BACK to Jail?!?! Oh man!"

"Ha!" said Stewie as he rolled the dice, "Now I have the Electric Company!"

"Okay, now I'll use my get out of Jail free card," said Maddie as she got out of jail again and rolled the dice, "ARRRGH!!! I LANDED ON THE GO TO JAIL SPACE AGAIN!!!"

"Oh well," said Stewie as he rolled the dice, "HA! Now I have every piece of property on the map! Victory is mine!"

"THIS GAME SUCKS!!!" she shouted as she knocked over the gameboard, "IT'S BULLSH(bleep)T!!! OH NO!!!!"

Maddie then runs out of the room to the living room crying to Meg.

"MOMMY!!! MOMMY!!!" she cried.

"What's wrong, Maddie?" asked Meg.

"I said a bad word!" she cried.

"What?!?" said Lois, "I thought we told you not to say those words ever again!"

"I didn't mean to!" she said, "It just- I- It- I DON'T WANNA DIE!!!"

Maddie then runs up to her room, sobbing.

"Now look what you did!" said Meg, "Maddie's probably scared out of her wits, thanks to your lie!"

"But what else was I supposed to do?" asked Lois.

"Yeah, she's just a baby," said Peter, "You can't just talk to her about this kind of stuff."

"But we can't keep lying to her, either," said Zack, "Look, Maddie's going to be an adult someday and she's going to learn this stuff sooner or later. I'd rather she learn it from her parents than somewhere on the streets. I suggest-"

"I'm trying to watch Mr. Belvedere," interrupted Stewie(who somehow got here fast.).

"Whatever," said Zack, "Like I was saying, I suggest-"

"ACCORDING TO OUR NEW ARRIVAL, LIFE IS MORE THAN MERE SURVIVAL AND WE MIGHT JUST LIVE THE GOOD LIFE YET. DUN DUN NA NA-"

Zack then angrily smashes a baseball bat onto the TV.

"THERE! NOW NO ONE'S WATCHING MR. BELVEDERE!!!" shouted Zack, "NOW SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY!!!"

"...NA NA NA DUN DA NA NA NA! Okay, I'm done," said Stewie as he left the room.

"Where was I?" asked Zack, "Okay, the point is that Meg and I are gonna tell her the truth."

"Are you sure?" asked Lois.

"Zack's right. She's not gonna be a baby, forever," said Meg.

They both go upstairs to see a frightened Maddie in the corner with her arms around her legs. She shivered and rocked back and forth.

"Maddie?" asked Meg.

"Don't get too close," said Maddie, "I don't have much time left! My brain will explode and my brain stem will strangle mom, just like grandpa said."

"That's what we wanted to talk to you about," said Zack, "Maddie, you're not going to die."

""I'm not? But-"

"Grandma lied," said Meg, "Saying those words won't make you explode."

"Really?" she asked, "So then it's okay!"

"No it's not," said Zack, "You see, children aren't supposed to say those words. Those are only for grownups."

"But Stewie says them all the time," said Maddie, "And mom's 17."

"And he's also an evil intelligent borderline homo," said Zack, "And your mother is kinda messed up in the head thanks to your grandparents. And I'm left to pick up the pieces."

"What we're trying to say it that you shouldn't use those words," said Meg, "At least not until you grow up."

"Okay," said Maddie, "Anyway, I have a question."

"What is it?" asked Zack.

"Why does mom scream out "oh god yes" when you beat her up?" she asked.

"Oh!" said Zack, "Uh... Hey, Mr. Belvedere's on!"

"I thought I heard you break the TV," said Maddie.

Meg and Zack then quickly run out of the room and downstairs.

**End Chapter.**

**-----**

**Yes, I am aware that Maddie has indeed cussed in past chapters, but this is probably the first time she did so in front of her parents. **


	36. On Our Own

**Chapter 36: On Our Own.**

The entire family was having dinner one night. Everything was very quiet that evening, so Lois decided to break the silence.

"So, how was everybody's day today?" asled Lois.

"Terrible," said Meg, "Connie D'amico called me a fat, ugly, old hag just because I'm a mom now! Can you believe it?"

"Now that's not true, Meg," said Peter.

"It's not?" asked Meg.

"No," said Peter, "You're just fat and ugly!"

Everybody except Meg, Maddie, and Zack laughed at that remark. Meg then looked down at her plate, sadly.

"Yes, spot on!" said Stewie.

"Ha ha," said Zack sarcastically, "Yeah, that's so funny for the 10 millionth time."

"Oh, lighten up," said Peter, "It's just a joke... just like Meg's existance!"

Everybody except Meg, Maddie, and Zack laughed at that remark.

"Yes, spot on!" said Stewie.

"Do you even realise that you could be deeply hurting my mother mentally with your so called jokes?" asked Maddie, "Just look at her! She's so depressed! It's also hurting me as well! Not only does it sadden me to see this, but the milk goes sour when she breast-feeds me!"

"..." Peter just stares at Maddie for a few sconds, "Meg sucks!"

Everybody except Meg, Maddie, and Zack laughed at that remark.

"Yes, spot on!" said Stewie.

"Forget it," said Zack, "Let's just pick up our plates and eat in the other room."

"I guess..." said Meg.

"Yes, and don't forget the rest of your dinner, you incessant cow!" said Stewie as he threw his piece of meat at Meg. Everybody except Zack and Maddie laughed as Meg ran up to her room crying, "Hahaha! I'm priceless!"

"If you were MY kid, I'd..." said Zack threateningly.

"I'd like to see you try!" said Stewie, "The fangirls and fanboys wouldn't let you touch me!"

"Damn!" said Zack as he snapped his fingers, "I'm gonna go talk to Meg."

Zack then goes upstairs to see Meg in her room with her face in her pillow crying. Zack then sits next to her on the bed and puts his hand on her back.

"Everybody hates me!" she sobbed, "Even my own family!"

"That's not true," said Zack

"Yes it is!" shouted Peter from downstairs.

"You shut up!" shouted Zack back, "Anyway, that's not true. Maddie and I love you and we're your family."

"I guess," said Meg, "But do you have any idea what it's like to be hated by your own family?"

Zack then stares off into space as a tear slowly rolls from his eye.

"Zack?" she asked.

**Flashback.**

It's Christmas morning. Zack is only 6 years old and is in the living room with his dad. His dad is a balding man with a mustache who wears a stained tanktop and gym pants.

"Santa ain't real," said his Dad, "Just like da Eater Bunny, Leprechauns and God. Dat's why ya ain't got no presents."

"But Jillian's got presents!" said Zack.

"Dat's cause we love her," said his Dad.

"But-"

"You keep it up and I'll give you a present with my _belt_, boy! Now get to shoveling dat damn driveway! We're about to have Christmas dinner and I don't like the sight of you at the table! It makes me sick, and I hate throwin' up all over my food!"

**End Flashback.**

"I'm gonna go drink a ton of whisky now," said Zack as he left the room and went downstairs depressed. He then goes into Brian's stash and gets a bottle of whisky. He then drinks it from straight out of the bottle and walks to the living room to see the Griffins watching TV, "What're you guys watching?"

"Joan of Arcadia," said Peter.

"Joan of Arcadia?" asked Zack, "I thought that show was cancelled."

"It was," said Lois, "We taped it over Meg's 2nd grade play."

"You WHAT?!?!" asked Zack.

"What? It's no big deal!" said Lois.

"Yeah," said Peter, "Besides, Meg sucked in it."

"But I thought she looked very cute in her princess costume," said Zack.

"Well I suppose," said Stewie, "If you find VOMIT cute!"

Everybody then laughed except Zack who was getting very irritated.

"Yes! Spot on!" said Stewie.

Zack then angrily throws the whisky bottle against the wall and screams very angrily.

"THAT IS IT!!!" he shouted, "_THAT _IS THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE CAMEL'S BACK AND MOLESTED IT WHILE IT WAS PARILYZED!"

"What's the big deal?" asked Peter, "It's just Meg. No one cares."

"_I_ CARE!" he shouted, "JUST WHAT KIND OF FATHER ARE YOU?!?! SHE'S YOUR ONLY DAUGHTER FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! DO YOU KNOW WHO'S BEEN LIKE A FATHER FIGURE TO HER IN THIS HOUSE? **ME!!! **AND THAT'S JUST CREEPY!!! IT'S BORDERLINE INCEST!!!"

"Now hold on a minute!" said Lois.

"AND YOU!" shouted Zack as he pointed to Lois, "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, PLAYING FAVORITES? AND THAT ABORTION STORY... IT MAKES ME SICK TO MY STOMACHE EVERY TIME I HEAR IT!!! OH, I HAD A BABY BUT I DON'T WANT IT BECAUSE IT KEPT ME FROM JOINING THE F(bleep)CKING OLYMPICS SO I'LL GET AN ABORTION! OH, BUT I WAITED TOO LONG SO I'LL JUST TREAT HER LIKE AN OUTCAST EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT HER DAMN FAULT!!!"

"Haha! Oh that's priceless!" said Stewie, "Yes! Tear into that shrew!"

"And you!" said Zack as he turned to Stewie, "Oh, I don't even know where to start! In fact you all SICKEN me!... Except Brian and Chris. You guys are cool."

Chris and Brian then flash the west side hand sign to Zack who flashes it back. Zack then goes upstairs angrily.

"I think somebody's just had a little too much whiskey," said Lois.

"Of course!" said Peter, "He does have to go upstairs to THAT!"

Everybody else then covers up Peter's mouth. Meanwhile upstairs, Zack walks into Meg's room and angrily slams the door shut.

"Zack, what happened?" asked Meg.

"I've had it with those monsters!" said Zack, "This was THE last straw!"

"Zack, take it easy," said Meg.

"Take it easy?" asked Zack, "Do you know how sick I am of the way they treat you? How they blame you for everything? How they ignore you? How they use you like a freaking punching bag? It's getting old, Meg!"

"But we can't really do anything about it," said Meg, "As long as we live under this roof, we'll just have to take it."

"You know what? You're right."

"Really?"

"Yes. We're moving out! You, Maddie, and I are leaving this crap hole!"

"What? But where will we go?"

"I don't know, and I don't care as long as it's away from THEM! Besides, we should be on our own, anyway."

"I don't know..."

"Look, you, me, and Maddie can start ourselves a new life as a family. It'll be just like an old family sitcom!"

**Cutaway**

"Welcome to The Zack Murdock Show," said the TV announcer, "Starring, Zack Murdock!"

Everything is in black and white and Zack walks in while a blatant ripoff of the theme to the Dick Van Dyke show is playing in the background. Zack walks towards his wife Meg, but trips over a footstool and breaks his leg.

"Ow! My leg!" shouts Zack, "WHO'S THE SICK SON OF A BITCH THAT PUT A FOOTSTOOL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR?!?! WHO'S THE F(bleep)KING WRITER THAT THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A CUTE IDEA IF I BROKE MY LEG? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH IT HURTS? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH MY MEDICAL BILLS ARE GONNA COST?!?! HUH?!?! DO YA!!! MAYBE I SHOULD GO OVER THERE AND BREAK _YOUR_ F(bleep)CKING LEG!!! WOULD YOU LIKE THAT!?!?! AND YOU!!!" he shouted as he pointed to the camera man, "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL FILMING THIS SH(bleep)T?!?! YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY, TOO?!?! WHY THE HELL AREN'T YOU HELPING ME, YOU BUNCH OF ASSCLOWNS?!?!"

"You should just turn that off," said Maddie to the cameraman.

**End Cutaway.**

Zack, Meg and Maddie are putting their things in the trunk of Zack's car.

"Please, Zack," said Lois, "Don't do this!"

"Sorry, but our minds are made up!" said Zack, "I've gotten so sick of this crap and I'm not putting up with it anymore!"

"C'mon, Zack!" said Peter, "You can't just leave. It just wouldn't- Oh crap!"

Peter looks to see the Giant Fighting Chicken who then tackles him. They then start getting into a fist fight.

"Peter! OOOOF!" shouts Zack before he too is tackled. He was tackled by Lobster, the giant fighting lobster. They get into a fist fight as well.

Peter and the Chicken exchange blows to face. Peter grabs a 2x4 and smacks the Chicken upside the head. Zack and Lobster go toe to toe exchanging blows as well. Lobster clamps onto Zack's nose and punches him in the gut repeatedly. Zack punches Lobster in the face, making him release and continues punching him. Peter continues to beat the Chicken with the 2x4 until the Chicken breaks it with his beak. He then starts pecking on Peter's stomache. All 4 take the fight out into the streets. Cars swerve past them as they fight. Zack grabs Lobster in a headlock and gives him a noogie! Lobster pinches Zack in the nuts and kicks him away.

Peter and the Chicken start punching each other. Peter grabs the Chicken into a head lock and punches him in the head. Lobster then comes from nowhere and attacks Peter, forcing him to let go. Lobster grabs Peter by the arms and the Chicken punches him repeatedly in the stomache. Zack tackles the Chicken and repeatedly punches him in the face while on the ground. Peter kicks Lobster in the nuts and punches him in the face. Lobster then slaps Peter away and lifts up a nearby car. He chucks it forward and Zack and Peter jump out of the way. The car makes impact with a wall causing a huge explosion. The blast sends Zack, Peter, the Chicken, and Lobster flying into the air screaming.

They all land on top of a flyng airplane where they continue the fight. The Chicken punches Peter a few times and tosses him away. He and Lobster are on opposite sides of Zack. They both nod at each other as they run towards Zack. Zack does a jumping spin kick that sends both of them sprawling on top of the plane. Zack runs to Lobster who does a handspring kicking Zack who almost slides off the plane, but hangs onto the wing. Lobster jumps onto the wing. Meanwile, Peter and the Chicken are still fist fighting. They keep fighting until they inadvertantly step off the plane. Lobster tries stomping on Zack's hands, but Zack grabs onto his leg and pulls him off the wing.

All four then land though the roof of a warehouse, which was the TNT factory. They all go into an all out brawl. Lobster and Peter get into a fist fight, but Lobster gets the upper hand and kocks down Peter. As he's about to land the final blow, the Chicken sees this and shoves Lobster. Lobster gets mad ans shoves the Chicken back. They then give each other angry looks and begin beating each other up. The Chicken then punches Lobster onto a TNT activator and Peter and Zack high tail it out of there.

"Oh crap," said Lobster as he looked at what he just did.

The building explodes as Peter and Zack are chased by a fireball. The building then explodes completely as Zack and Peter leap into the air and onto the ground. Then again in another angle. Then again in a different angle. Then again in a different angle. Then again in a different angle. Then footage of a kitten playing with yarn. Then the explosion again in another angle.

Peter and Zack watch as the building collapses onto itself. They both then walk off into the streets, wounds and all as the clouds gather and it begins to rain. Back at the rubble, the rain poured heavily as lighting began to strike. As lighting struck once more, a lobster's claw and the hand of a giant chicken forced it's way upwards through the wreakage...

"Sorry about that," said Peter as he and Zack got back into place, "Anyway, you can't just leave! It wouldn't be the same without you!"

"Look, we're all sorry about last night," said Lois.

"Yeah," said Peter, "If the Meg bashing bothers you that much we'll sto... sto... ease up a little."

"Wow, Peter," said Brian, "That statement was about as believable as FDR winning an ass kicking contest," everybody else gasps, "...Too soon?"

"It's not just the Meg jokes," said Zack, "There's a lot of other stuff that's bothering me, like your constant need to get naked."

**Flashback**

"Peter, what the hell are you doing?" asked Zack.

"I'm dressed up as Donald Duck," said Peter as he was wearing a sailor suit with no pants.

Later...

"Peter, what the hell are you doing?" asked Zack.

"I'm dressed up as Donkey Kong," said Peter as he was wearing nothing but a tie that said DK.

Later...

"Peter, what the hell are you doing?" asked Zack.

"I'm dressed up as Wakko Warner," said Peter as he had a blue shirt, a red backwards baseball cap and no pants, "I'm not wearing any pants!" he said in a british accent.

Later...

"Now who are you dressed up as?" asked Zack.

"No one. I'm just naked," said Peter as he sat next to Zack on the couch.

"...I'm gonna burn that couch," said Zack as he left the room.

**End Flashback.**

"Zack, please reconsider!" begged Lois.

"We're staying in an apartment and that's final!" said Zack as he shut the trunk, "Okay everybody, let's go!"

Meg straps Maddie to the booster seat in the backseat of the car. Meg and Zack then get into the car and shut their doors.

"Goodbye, all of you," said Lois, "I'm just so sorry you had to leave under these circumstances. Remember, you're always welcome here in the Griffin home."

"Thanks, mom," said Meg.

"Wait!" said Stewie as he ran out from the house.

"Look!" said Maddie, "Stewie wants to say goodbye!"

Zack then rolls down his window and looks down at Stewie. Stewie looks back at him... and then spits on Zack's face.

"Let's just get the hell out of here," said Zack irritated.

Zack then backs up his car from the driveway... he then "accidentally" runs over Stewie's tricycle on the way.

"Oops," said Zack in pleasure.

"MY TRIKEY!!!" shouted Stewie.

Zack's car then zooms off into the horizon. Later in the living room, Lois and Peter are having a conversation.

"I can't believe they're gone," said Lois, "This is the worst thing to happen to us as a family."

"Actually, I thought the worst thing to happen to us as a family was when Brian was hit by a car," said Peter.

**Flashback**

Brian is walking down the sidwalk somewhere in the city.

"My god, I gotta take a whiz," said Brian.

He takes a look around to make sure nobody's looking and then uses the bathroom on a car. He's about to turn and leave, but the car transforms into Optimus Prime! He then angrily punches Brian.

**End Flashback.**

"I don't really like the idea of our teenage daughter out in the world," said Lois.

"Well what did you expect?" asked Brian, "She was bound to leave sooner or later, what with the way you guys treat her. I tell you, haven't seen anyone treat their own family members so bad other than Chris Benoit."

**Flashback. **

(Due to the controversial nature of the subject, this flashback has been removed from this fic. WWE disavows any knowledge of Chris Benoit's existance whatsoever... family killing bastard...)

**End Flashback.**

"Brian's right, Lois. You should stop worrying," said Peter, "She has Zack with him. Besides, I'm sure they're gonna be staying in a nice place."

Meanwhile, Zack cuts on the lights to an old run down apartment. The walls were cracked, the windows were broken, roaches were moving all about and police sirens and gunshots could be heard from outside.

"_This_ is our home?" asked Meg, "Zack, this place is a dump!"

"C'mon!" said Zack, "This place isn't that bad."

"Daddy! It smells like Great Aunt Linda!" said Maddie.

"But Great Aunt Linda's dead," said Zack.

"I know," said Maddie.

"I'm gonna get a drink of water," said Meg as she went to the sink. When she turned on the faucet, brown water poured out. She then quickly turns it off in disgust.

"God, I hope that's coffee," said Zack in disgust.

"This place sucks!" said Meg.

"I'm sorry, but I can't afford a better place," said Zack, "Business has been a little slow, as of late at the auto shop. But with a little touch up, we can do wonders here."

There is then a knock on the apartment door, and Meg goes up to open it. When she does, there stood Death.

"Hi, Death," said Meg, "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, hey," said Death, "I'm just on business. It gets pretty busy here a lot. Anyway, what are you guys doing here?"

"We just moved here," said Zack.

"So you left the Griffin place?" asked Death.

"Yeah, we just needed a place of our own," said Zack.

"That's good," said Death, "You know, a funny thing is that I usually come to this apartment alot. For some wierd reason, the tenants here are alway dead in about a week and..."

Death then sees the shocked looks of Zack, Meg, and Maddie.

"You know what? Never mind. Just forget I said anything," said Death as he was leaving, "I'll be back in about a week."

"...Okay..." said Zack, "Anyway, how about we all unpack."

"I'll be in our room," said Meg as she walked into the back.

"Dad, I don't like it here!" said Maddie.

"Maddie, it's gonna be alright," said Zack, "You shouldn't think about all the negatives. Just try looking on the bright side."

Meg then shrieks loudly as Maddie and Zack run into the room.

"What's wrong?!?!" asked Zack.

"There's a dead hooker on the bed!" said Meg as she pointed to a dead hooker lying on the bed.

"Damn! No wonder why I got this place so cheap," said Zack.

"Well, that explains the rancid smell of adultery!" said Maddie as she held her nose.

Suddenly, there's a knock on the door and Zack goes to answer it. There stands Death once again.

"Now I remember why I came here," said Death, "I'm here for the dead hooker."

"It's in the room," said Zack, "You gonna take the body to the morgue or something?"

"Oh, uh... yeah!," said Death, "The morgue..."

Death takes the body and leaves. He goes to the apartment next to theirs and shuts the door. From Zack's apartement, they can hear a faint rythemic squeaking coming from a bed.

"What's going on over there?" asked Maddie. Meg then quickly covers her daughter's little ears.

Back at the Griffin house, Lois is looking through family photos remembering all the good and bad times everyone had. A tear slips from her eye as she slowly closes the book.

"Lois, I've noticed how sad you've become as of late," said Peter, "That is why I have decided to do the right thing."

"You're gonna make Meg, Zack, and Maddie come back?" asked Lois hopefully.

"Pffft! No!" said Peter, "I'm gonna replace them!"

"Replace them?" asked Lois, "Peter, they weren't pets! You can't just replace them like they're some kind of dogs!"

"Hey!" said Brian offended.

"Oh c'mon, Lois!" said Peter, "They do it all the time on TV! Just give it a chance!"

"No!" said Lois.

"Well, too late because they're already here," said Peter, "Say hello to the new Zack, Meg, and Maddie. Playing the part of Meg is that fake Meg from _The Real Live Griffins_."

"Hello, everybody!" said fake Meg as she walks up and hugs Chris, "Hi Chris!"

Chris giggles a little and faints. Jillian sees this and gives an angry look while balling up her fist.

"Playing the part of Maddie will be a little girl who goes by the name of Mary Sue," said Peter.

Mary Sue is a little girl who's about a year old. She's blonde, beautiful and perfect in everyway. She walks up to Stewie.

"OMG you're Stewie Griffin!" said Mary Sue.

"How do you know who I am?" asked Stewie.

"I am your biggest fangurl evar!" she said, "You are like so kawaii! I write a whole bunch of fanfics of either you and me getting together or you and Brian getting together! You two make such a kawaii couple! I love writing BrianxStewie fics!"

"Oh really?" asked Stewie.

"And Playing the part of Zack will be none other than the game himself! WWE superstar Triple H!" said Peter.

"That's right!" said Triple H, "There's a new Zack in town and he's the best in the business! You think otherwise and I'll beat you within an inch of your life! Why? Because I'm that damn good!"

"Peter, I don't know about this," said Lois.

"C'mon, Lois. It'll be just like old times. You'll think that they were the real deal," said Peter as he turned around to see Mary Sue missing, "Um...where's...where's Mary Sue?"

Stewie then gives a surprised look to everybody.

"Oh!" said Stewie, "Uh... Where is she? I could've sworn she was here a minute ago," he laughed.

"Stewie, is that blood on your hands?" asked Lois.

Later on at the apartments Meg and Zack are trying to get some sleep but there's a bunch of loud rap music playing outside and there's also a bunch of laughing and yelling.

"God, I can't sleep!" said Meg.

"Niether can I! There's too much damn noise out there!" said Zack as walked up to the window and opened, "HEY, YOU PUNKS BETTER TURN THAT DAMN RACKET OFF OR I'LL-" then a bullet flies and hits inches away from Zack. He quickly shuts the window and goes back to bed, "Just ignore it, Meg,"

Maddie then walks into the room tired, and holding a black fuzzy pillow.

"You can't sleep either, Maddie?" asked Meg.

"No," said Maddie, "Not only is the noise too loud, but my pillow is lumpy!"

"Um... Maddie," said Zack, "You don't have a black pillow."

"Really?" asked Maddie as she looked at it, "Then what the hell is _this_?!?!"

The black pillow then reveals itself to be a huge black rat. Maddie screams as the rat leaps onto Zack's face. Zack begins screaming as he starts rolling around the floor with the rat biting on his face. Meg grabs a baseball bat and repeatedly beats on the rat until it gets off Zack and scurries away somewhere.

"Zack, let's just go back!" said Meg, "I don't care about the bashing anymore! I just wanna get the hell out of here!"

"Meg, if we go back they win!" said Zack, "And I hate losing! Knowing them, they probably found a way to cope so they don't even miss us anyway."

The next morning at the Griffin home, everybody is having breakfast. Triple H, Fake Meg, and Mary Sue(who has a bandage wrapped around her head) enter the room. Fake Meg sits next to Chris.

"Good morning, Chris," she said seductively as she moved her finger down his chin.

"Oh, um, hi Meg..." said Chris nervously.

"I was wondering if you could come to the mall with me," she said, "I need you to help me pick out a bikini, but they may be a bit too tiny."

"Oh my god..." said Chris, "I just milked my pants!"

"No he can't!" said Jillian as she bursted throught the door as if on cue, "Because he's going to spend time with me and OUR kids!"

"Jillian, are you jealous?" asked Chris.

"What?... I... no, of course not!" said Jillian, "Besides you're just a kid! I'm not jelly of her at all! I'm not peanut butter of her either!"

Fake Meg puts Mary Sue in her high chair and she notices Brian reading the newspaper.

"ZOMG! You're Brian! I'm also your fangurl, too!" said Mary Sue, "I luv writing Fanfics of me as a cat being with you!"

"Wow... how cliche," said Brian.

"I also luv writing slash fics with you being with either Stewie, Jasper, or even Peter!" said Mary Sue, "It's so Kawaii!"

"You don't say," said Brian.

"Hey!" said Triple H, "Hand me those sausages, porky!"

"Hey, don't call me porky!" said Peter, "I'm not fat! Only women get fat!"

"Who the hell do you think you're talking to?" asked Triple H, "I'm the game! You don't talk to the game like that! It's all about the game and how you play it and guess what? It's game over for you!"

Triple H grabs Peter and pedigrees him on top of the table which breaks. Triple H takes a plate full of sausages and walks away.

"Oy," said Lois in frustration, "I suppose you want me to clean this up... Brian, where's Mary Sue?"

"I dunno," said Brian as a piece of Mary Sue's dress was sticking from his mouth.

Later on, Maddie is watching TV with Meg in the living room while eating Ramen noodles. They have to watch in on the floor and the TV is held up by an old crate.

"We now return to _Harry Pothead and the Sorcerer's Stoned_," said the Announcer on TV.

**Cutaway to TV**

Harry, Hermoine, and Ron are in the basement of Hogwarts getting high on pot.

"So anyway, I think it's all like this," said Harry in a stoner tone, "Magic is all, like, an illusion, man. It's like, not even there. This school... It's, like... it's like all fake."

"Yeah. like, totally, man," said Ron, "School in general is like, a different kind of prison, know what I mean? You're still told what to to do, and still confined by the man."

"Totally," said Hermoine, "You know, once in the school bathroom, I got involved in a 4 way. It was totally wild."

"...I want you so bad..." said Harry.

"Hell no!" said Hermoine, "I'm a lesbo!"

**End Cutaway.**

Suddenly, there's a knock on the door and Meg goes to answer it.

"Who is it?" she shoutes as she grabs Zack's shotgun.

"It's just us," said Lois, "Your family."

"Just a minute," said Meg as she began to remove the locks. This took about 20 or so seconds since they had a LOT of locks. You can never have too many locks where they're at, "Okay, you can come in."

"Oh my," said Lois nervously as she looked around the place, "What a... lovely place you have here."

"Ugh," said Stewie, "I've seen New York subway stations that looked and smelled better than this."

"I'm sorry about this place," said Meg, "But SOMEBODY wanted to go for the lowest bidder."

"Oh, I don't see YOU getting a job and finding a better place," said Zack, "Anyway, what are you guys doing here?"

"Oh, we just decided to drop by," said Lois, "Just for a visit."

"Oh really?" said Zack, "Have a seat! You want something to eat? Maybe some noodles?"

Zack goes into the refrigerator and out flies out the big black rat that attacked him earlier. It grabs onto his face again as Zack falls to the floor. Peter stomps on the rat and it scurries away again.

"You guys look miserable!" said Lois, "Why don't you just come back!"

"Your replacements stink!" said Jillian.

"Yours keeps pedigreeing me!" said Peter to Zack.

"Yours is annoying," said Brian to Maddie.

"I like yours," said Chris to Meg.

"And that's why she must die!" said Jillian.

"We're begging you guys!" said Peter, "Please come back!"

"Zack, they want us back," said Meg, "What do you say?"

Zack thought about it for a moment.

"No," said Zack.

"What?" asked Peter, "But this is the part where you say yes and we all get into some cheesy hug and then it gets all campy from there!"

Meg then slaps Zack on the face angrily.

"What the hell do you mean, no?" shouted Meg.

"Look, I can't!" said Zack, "I just... can't okay?"

"What's wrong?" asked Meg, "Are you still mad at them? They said they were sorry."

"It's not that," said Zack, "It's just... I hate being so dependant on them! I just wanted us to get a place of our own! We're going to have to do it someday, because we can't stay with them forever! I just wanted to see if I can support this family on my own."

"Is that what this is all about?" asked Meg as Zack nodded. She then let out a heavy sigh, "Then I guess we'll stay... Just like what our vows says: For better or worse. You know, with a little redecorating, this place could look nice."

"Yeah," said Zack, "Just repaint the walls, redo the ceiling, redo the cabinets..." he continued before being attacked by the black rat again. Lois knocks it away with a broom and it scurries away, "Ah, screw it. Let's get the hell out of here."

Later on, the entire family is back in the Griffin home. Everybody is on the living room couch.

"I never thought I'd say this," said Peter, "But it's good to have you all back, INCLUDING Meg."

"It's good to be back," said Meg.

"It's good to be back, too," said Zack, "You know, despite all of your short comings and obscurities, you guys are like the family I never had. I'm sorry I lost it the other day and went into a raging rant."

"I's okay. We forgive you," said Lois, "Anyway, I wonder what happened to those replacements."

"Oh, I got rid of them," said Zack, "I used the most effective method known to authors: I pushed them all into a plothole. Except yours Meg. I couldn't find her."

"Oh, that girl?" asked Jillian, "I threw her off a cliff. Nobody gets too close to my baby daddy!"

Everybody then laughed.

"Yeah, murder is funny," said Peter.

"Yes, spot on!" said Stewie.

**End Chapter.**

**Author's Commentary: I would like to apologize if anybody was offended by Mary Sue. It was not a shot at people who make BrianxStewie slashfics or people who make fics of Brian falling in love with cats. It just seemed funny when I first thought about it. I also apologise to Harry Potter fans if they found the cutaway offensive, but Family Guy probably would've done one anyway. Anywho, it's becoming increasingly harder for me to come up with ideas, so updates will probably be slower than usual(assuming I can think of anything at all.), otherwise this may be the final chapter. Anyway, don't forget to review because that's another factor of the story's existance...**


	37. The Winter Dance

**Chapter 37: The Winter Dance**

It was a seemingly normal day at James Woods High School. Meg was putting her things into her locker and as she walked out, there stood the one thing she hated seeing the most, Neil Goldman.

"Well hello there, Meg," said Neil, "I see that the fates have brought us back together after so long."

"Neil, what do you want?" she asked annoyed.

"What I have in my hands are two tickets to the winter dance tommorrow night," said Neil, "And I was wonder if you and I could get toether in the fusion of the dance and become one... Meil! Now there are two choices: You can say yes, or you can say yes!"

"How about NO!" said Meg angrily.

"Oh, c'mon!" said Neil, "Who else is gonna take you out?"

"Hey, there babe," said what appeared to be Zack wearing a tanktop, baggy pants and sunglasses, "So you ready for that winter dance?"

"Outta the way, poser!" said Zack as he shoved his lookalike into a locker, "Hey Meg, you ready to go?"

"Neil, I want you to meet my husband, Zack," said Meg.

"Husband?" asked Neil in shock, "But Meg, how could you?!?! I thought we had something together!"

"Neil, we only kissed because we were almost murdered," said Meg, "But Zack and I have a child together."

"But... but that could be MY child you know," said Neil.

"But we NEVER had sex," said Meg.

"Umm... artificial insemination?" asked Neil.

Meg and Zack stare at Neil for a few seconds. Neil stares back giving a confident grin. Out of nowhere, Zack punches Neil in the face, knocking him out. Zack then leaves with Meg in his arms, and Connie watches from a distance in jealousy.

"I can't stand it," said Connie.

"Can't stand what?" asked the other popular girl.

"Everything that Meg has," said Connie, "I'm Connie D'amico, the most popular girl in school. I should be the one to have a husband and child!"

"It shouldn't matter, anyway," said the other girl, "Remember, you're going to the dance with Craig Hoffman."

"You're right, huh?" asked Connie, "Screw that Shaggy looking guy. I got Craig Hoffman!"

Craig Hoffman then walks up to Connie.

"Listen, I can't take you out," said Craig.

"Why not?" asked Connie.

"Because then I'd going by somebody's rules," said Craig, "And I don't go by anybody's rules. Not even my own. So by that logic, I will take you out after all but now I decided not to since that's by some rules. You understand?"

"Umm... no?" said Connie.

"Good," said Craig, "Later..."

"Great... Now who am I gonna take to the dance?" asked Connie.

"Hi, Connie," said Chris as he walked up to her holding flower stems, "I was kinda wonderin' if you could, you know, go to the winter dance with me?"

"What happened to the flowers?" she asked.

"Funny story," said Chris, "You see, I was wondering what flowers tasted like so I ate em. They taste kinda like my socks."

"Uh huh..." said Connie, "Listen, why don't take your right hand out instead. I'm sure you two have been much more intimate."

"Oh...," said Chris as he walked away in disapointment, "Okay... C'mon, righty."

"The nerve!" said Connie, "As if I'd really want to go out with Meg's loser brother! Eew!"

"Yeah..." said the other girl, "It's too bad loserness runs in the family. I guess coolness is born and not made."

"...Make coolness?" asked Connie, "That gives me an idea..."

Later on at the Griffin house, Meg is looking through dresses to wear to the dance while Zack is watching TV downstairs.

"What do you think?" asked Meg as she came downstairs in a green dress, "Do you think this would look good with a red rose?"

"Just put on whatever," said Zack.

"Just put on whatever?" asked Meg, "Zack, I can't go just wearing anything! That's why I was asking you!"

"Meg, you're asking for fashion advice from a straight guy," said Zack, "That's like gays talking about sports."

**Cutaway**

Brian's cousin Jasper is in a room along with Bruce the performance artist and Terry and Greg(who are the gay news reporters from American Dad)

"Did you see the football game last night?" asked Jasper.

"Oh yeah," said Greg, "The home team was absolutely amazing."

"I know!" said Jasper, "I loved the matching colors of their uniforms! Oh and that linebacker! MMMMM! Oh, I'd love to grab THOSE lovehandles!"

"Yeah, they were fantastic," said Bruce, "Not like the away team. They were awful."

"I know," said Terry, "Their outfits just simply clashed."

"Oh, they were just terrible," said Greg.

"Oh, the colors were just horrible," said Jasper, "Although, I thought that quarterback had a nice butt."

"Yeah, I noticed that, too," said Bruce.

**End Cutaway.**

Suddenly, Chris comes into the house looking pretty sad and holding the flower stems in his hands.

"Hey, why the long face, Chris?" asked Peter.

"He was born that way," said Zack.

"Oh, yeah," said Peter, "Anyway, why are you so down?"

"He was born that way, too," said Zack.

"Oh yeah," said Peter, "Anyway, what's the matter?"

Everybody then looks at Zack, waiting for him to say something.

"I got nothing," said Zack.

"I tried asking Connie D'amico to the dance," said Chris, "She said no."

"Chris, you shouldn't give up," said Peter, "A Griffin never takes no for an answer. When a woman says no, they mean yes. When they say stop you're hurting me, they mean give me more and faster."

"And when the cops come, it means you're screwed," said Zack, "There are a lot of guys in prison who don't take no for an answer, either."

"Don't feel bad," said Meg, "Connie just isn't the right girl for you. You'll find the right one, someday."

"You're right, Meg," said Chris upbeat, "I mean, look at you. You were able to find yours."

"See?" said Meg.

"Yeah it took you years," continued Chris.

"I know," said Meg.

"I mean, every other guy kept running away," said Chris.

"I think we get it..." said Meg.

"Some even set themselves on fire and..."

"OKAY, WE GET IT!!!" shouted Meg.

Suddenly, Jillian walks in the front door holding the twins in each arm.

"Zack, I've got a question," said Jillian, "If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, does it say ouch?"

Everybody stares at each other in disbelief, except Chris who walks up to Jillian.

"Hey, Jillian," said Chris, "I was wondering if you would like to go to the dance with me."

"Chris, there's nothing between us," said Jillian, "We only had sex to survive and we had kids by accident."

"Hey, don't call them accidents," said Peter, "They're mistakes."

"Actually, they're unplanned pregnancies," said Jillian, "Zack was one."

"WHAT?!?!" shouted Zack.

"That's what dad said," said Jillian, "Mom told me not to tell you."

"Then why did you say it?" asked Zack.

"I was telling Peter, not you silly!" said Jillian.

"Well this deals a huge blow to my already excellent relationship with my dad," said Zack sarcastically.

"I guess I'll just have to take my right hand..." said Chris sadly, "Just like Connie said."

"Chris, wait," said Jillian, "I..."

Before Jillian finishes, there's a knock at the door. Chris goes to answer it and there stands Connie D'amico.

"Connie?" asked Chris.

"I just wanted to come by and tell you that I WOULD like to go to the dance with you," said Connie.

"Really? That's AWESOME!" said Chris, "I can't wait to tell my imaginary friends!"

"Cool people don't have imaginary friends," said Connie.

"They don't?" asked Chris.

"No. And if you want to be with me, you HAVE to be cool," said Connie, "See me at the mall tommorrow and we'll work on it."

"Wow!" said Chris, "I'm going to the dance with the most popular girl in school!"

"Yeah..." said Jillian unsure, "That's... great..."

The next day at the mall, Chris is at the foodcourt with Connie who is telling him about the proper ways of being cool.

"Here's the first thing you should know about being cool," said Connie, "First off, it's not cool to stick your fries up your nose."

"Salt hurts," said Chris as he had a bunch of french fries up each nostril.

"Second, you need to look cool," said Connie, "I mean, your current ensemble is so... bleh! Let's go to the clothing store and I'll show you what to wear."

Later at the clothing store...

"How about this?" asked Chris as he held up a shirt that had a bunny on it, "Is this cool?"

"...No. Just... no," said Connie, "Now THIS is you."

She handed Chris a cut leather jacket and broken faded jeans. Back at the Griffin home, Jillian is upstairs with Meg helping her pick out a dress to wear to the dance.

"Should I wear the red one or the purple one?" asked Meg, "Which one makes me look fat?"

"They all do," said Jillian sadly.

"What's wrong?" asked Meg, "It sounds like there's something on your mind."

"Don't be silly!" said Jillian, "Zack says I don't even have a mind."

"No, I mean it seems like somthing's bothering you," said Meg, "You've been acting this way since Connie asked Chris out."

"What? You think this is about Chris?" she laughed, "No, I'm happy for him!"

"I'm home!" said Chris from downstairs.

Everybody goes into the living to see that Chris has on a leather jacket with faded broken jeans and shades with his hair slicked back. Connie is next to him in his arms.

"Chris?" asked Zack.

"Check it out!" said Chris, "Don't I look so cool?"

"Wow, Chris!" said Peter, "You're like the Fonz! You even got a chick hanging off your arm."

"Yeah, this is Connie," said Chris, "She's my new girlfriend!"

"Girlfriend?!?!" asked Jillian in shock.

"Connie?!?!" asked Zack shock.

"Yours?!?!" asked Meg in shock.

"Mcnuggets?!?!" asked Peter in shock. Everybody then looks at Peter, "Oh now how I see how you play this game. Hang on, let's start over."

"You're going out with Connie?" asked Meg.

"Chris, Connie is a bitch!" said Zack, "She's evil!"

"You guys don't understand!" protested Chris, "We love each other. Isn't that right, Connie."

"That's right, Chris Cool Rider," said Connie as she kissed him on the cheek.

"That's my new nickname," said Chris.

"Now wait just a minute, Chris!" said Jillian.

"It's CCR," said Chris.

"Wait, you're Chris the Chicken Rider, now?" asked Jillian, "I thought it was Chris Cool Rider."

"It is," said Chris, "In CCR The C stands for Cool."

"Okay," said Jillian, "Now just a minute, Cool Chicken Rider!"

"Much better," said Chris.

"I don't want you going out with this hussy!" said Jillian.

"Oh and why not?" asked Connie, "You aren't his parent."

"Besides," said Chris, "There wasn't anything going on between us anyway. You said so yourself."

"Well... I guess you're right," said Jillian, "I... I hope you two have fun..."

"See you at the dance tonight, CCR," said Connie as she left.

"Wow!" said Peter, "My son is going out with the most popular girl in school. Why, I haven't felt this proud since I beat Mike Tyson."

**Flashback.**

Peter is on the frontstep of Mike Tyson's house wearing boxing gear such as boots, trunks, and boxing gloves. He then rings Mike Tyson's doorbell.

"Yes, may I help you?" asked Mike Tyson as he opened the door.

Peter then quickly pulls out a gun and shoots him.

**End Flashback.**

Later at night at Jillian's apartment, she is depressedly watching TV in her robe with her hair looking messy while eating from a pint of Ice Cream.

"Coming soon, to theatres," said the TV announcer, "The Jeffersons remake starring George Lopez!"

"Even _I_ think that's wrong," said Jillian.

Suddenly, she gets a knock at her door and when she goes to answer it she sees Zack and Meg dressed up.

"What are you guys doing here?" asked Jillian.

"We couldn't help but noticed that you seem depressed," said Meg.

"I'm not depressed," said Jillian angrily.

"Oh Really?" asked Zack, "Then why did you leave your kids at the house?"

Zack handed C.J. and Tilly to Jillian.

"Who are they?" she asked.

"Jillian, you seem mad at Chris," said Meg, "But you don't have to take it out on your kids!"

"...No seriously. Who are they?" asked Jillian, "And I'm NOT mad at Chris."

"C'mon!" said Zack, "Jillian, I know you care about him! I saw the way your face winced when Connie kissed him."

"That was a result of my buttocks injection," lied Jillian.

"First of all, it's call _botox_," said Meg, "Second, botox keeps you from frowning."

"Okay! I DO care about him!" said Jillian, "I get jealous every time I see him with another girl."

"No kidding," said Zack, "I mean, you tossed that poor girl off a cliff just last week."

"I wish I could've told him how I really feel," said Jillian, "God, I feel so stupid!"

"Don't you always?" asked Zack.

"It just feels so wrong, though!" said Jillian, "I mean he's just a kid, but at the same time I felt like there was a connection between us. A connection I've never felt with any other guy."

"And exactly how many guys have you slept with?" asked Meg.

"I dunno," said Jillian, "I could never count past ten."

"It's true," said Zack, "She once thought the number that came after 10 was _moo_."

"But now I know it's eleventy one," said Jillian proudly.

"How about you go to the dance with us," said Meg, "It should cheer you up."

"I guess," said Jillian.

"You guess?" asked Zack, "C'mon! It'll be fun!"

Later at the winter dance...

"This is so not fun!" said Meg.

"Well, it's not his fault," said Jillian, "Someone did spike the punch."

"Hey, you!" said Zack in a drunk tone towards a random teenage boy, "Yeah, you! Where's my money???"

"I-I don't know what you're talking about, sir?" he said, "I don't even know you!"

"Don't even know me?!?! You listen and you listen good!" said Zack, "I fought in the great war! You know, the one in space against those damn dirty apes! Yeah, they'd ride on dinosaurs while holding lightsabers and coffee mugs! I killed 100 space apes with only my bare hands... and a gun! Yet, I still wasn't good enough in my dad's eyes! I'm NEVER good enough to that fat bastard! Now gimmie some money!"

"Zack, I think you've had too much punch," said Meg.

"No... I'm fine!" said Zack as he then threw up and fell onto his own puke unconcsious.

"I'll get a mop," said Jillian as she left.

Meanwhile under the bleachers, Chris and Connie are making out.

"Wow, Chris," said Connie, "I never knew you were such a great kisser."

"Thanks," said Chris, "I think I like you."

"Really?" asked Connie, "Then I think it's time we take it up a notch."

Connie tries to unzip Chris' pants but Chris grabs her arm before she can do it.

"W-wait!" said Chris, "What are you doing?"

"Chris, I want us to have sex!" said Connie.

"Whoa, wait a minute," said Chris, "I like you and all, but I'm not ready to do this yet."

"But-!"

"Connie, why don't we just stay friends then," said Chris as he was about to leave but he was grabbed by Connie and pinned to the wall.

"Oh no you don't!" said Connie, "This was the only reason I went to the stupid dance with you and made you cool! We're going to have sex and then I'm going to have a baby whether you like it or not!"

"Oh my god!" said Chris scared, "Help! He-!"

Connie then cut off his screams as she pressed her lips agains his.

"You let him go you hussy!" shouted Jillian as she entered the area, "I'm not going to sit here and let you rape Chris! That was how Zack was concieved!"

Back at the dancefloor Zack quickly regained consciousness and stood up.

"Meg, I have this strange feeling that I'm not even related to my father," said Zack.

"So do I," said Meg, "But it's probably nothing."

"You're right," said Zack, "Let's dance."

Back under the bleachers...

"Chris is mine!" said Connie.

Jillian then punches Connie square in the jaw, knocking her out.

"Are you okay, Chris?" asked Jillian.

"Jillian, you saved me!" said Chris, "You DO care!"

"Chris, of course I care!" said Jillian, "You're the father of my children. I couldn't let anything happen to you."

"I guess Connie didn't really love me," said Chris, "Now I'll never get a girl to like me."

"Chris that's not true," said Jillian, "You're a very sweet guy and any girl would be lucky enough to have you."

"Thanks..." said Chris, "I wanted to give this to Connie, but now that she's a bitch, you can have it."

Chris handed Jillian a small box. When she opened it to see a necklace of the holy cross she began to cry.

"What's wrong? You don't like?" asked Chris.

"No, I LOVE it!" said Jillian as she hugged him, "I LOVE the the letter T! Thank you, Chris!"

"Um, you're welcome," said Chris, "I better get going."

"Chris, wait!" said Jillian, "I want to be your date for the dance!"

"Really?" asked Chris, "But I thought..."

"Chris, I don't care what people think any more," said Jillian, "I've now come to realize that I love you!"

"But it feels wierd thought," said Chris, "I mean, you're an adult."

"I guess," said Jillian, "But there are other worse couples out there in the world. I mean, c'mon! Shego and Kim Possible? And it's not like we're going to do this in public either."

"I guess," said Chris, "Would you like to have this dance, Jillian?"

"Why I'd be honored," said Jillian as walked away from under the bleachers hand in hand.

Back on the dancefloor, Zack and Meg are dancing closely with each other.

"I'm telling you, I'm just fine," said Zack.

"I still smell a little achohol in your breath," said Meg, "That's why I called my dad to be your designated driver."

Peter then walks into the gymnasium wearing nothing but a cape!

"Hey Zack, how do you like my costume?" said Peter, "It's casual Superman!"

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF-" shouted Zack.

**End Chapter.**

**Author's Commentary: Not my best attempt at a chapter since ideas are becoming more scarce, but I decided to send it in, anyway. Hopefully, the next chapter will make up for it... If I can get a decent enough idea... If anyone has any ideas that could give me a jumpstart, it would be appreciated.**


	38. Home for the Holidays

**Chapter 38: Home For the Holidays**

Lois is driving Meg, Stewie, and Maddie to the mall on a cold winter day. The reason? To meet up with the one and only Santa Clause.

"Wow!" said Maddie, "I'm so excited! I'm gonna actually meet Santa!"

"You know, it's too bad your father didn't come along," said Meg, "He would've loved to see the joy on your face."

"Well, he did volunteer to stay home and help your father put up the Christmas lights," said Lois.

Meanwhile at the house, Zack is on the roof putting the lights on while Peter is down on the ground looking at the way they look.

"Go a little to the left!" said Peter.

"How's this?" asked Zack.

"It looks a little lopsided," said Peter, "Just a little more."

"How about- AAAAAAHHHH!" screamed Zack as he slipped on the slippery ice. The cords from the lights wrapped around his neck as he fell from the roof, "PETER, HELP!!!"

As Zack hangs from the roof, Spider Man comes from nowhere and shoots out a web net from under Zack.

"Everybody gets one," said Spider Man

As Zack falls, the cords wrapped tightly around his neck, his weight caused part of the roof to collapse on top of him… Oh and he missed the net completely.

"Oh Sh(bleep)t! I wasn't here!" said Spider Man as he webbed the hell out of there.

Now at the mall, the kids were eagerly awaiting Santa to come from his workshop.

"What are you gonna ask from Santa?" asked Maddie.

"What I want for Christmas this year," said Stewie, "Is peace on Earth and good will to all of mankind."

"Wow," said Maddie, "That's so sweet."

"HA! Just kidding!" said Stewie, "A dozen hand grenades and a disintegrator unit."

"Look, Maddie!" said Meg, "Here comes Santa Clause!"

Just as Meg said, Santa Clause emerges from his workshop... except something was not quite right about Santa. For one thing, he was thin. Not at all like the jolly fat man that Maddie was told about. Second, he was missing some teeth and third he was using a walker. He looked somewhat familiar to Maddie, as if he was the old man from down the street. She just shrugged it off and thought that Santa was just sick.

"Well, hello there boys... oh and, um, girls, that's right! Girls!" said "Santa" in a strange, effeminate, whistly voice, "Now who wants to sit on Santa's lap?"

"Me!" said Maddie as she jumped up and down, "I was here first!"

"How about the football headed boy?" he asked.

"Rats..." said Maddie as she watched Lois put Stewie in "Santa's" lap, "He _always_ gets what he wants!"

"And what would you like for Christmas this year?" he asked.

"Oh, where to start?" asked Stewie, "Let's see, a nuclear missile, 4 warheads, a death ray, a torture chamber, a Johnny Depp blow up doll..."

"Hey, let someone else sit on Santa's lap!" said Maddie.

"She's right," said "Santa", "So who's next?"

"I'm next!" said Maddie as she was about to go up to "Santa" but was shoved away by Adam West.

"Me! Me! I'm next!" said Adam West as he quickly sat on his lap, "I'm sorry there, little Roger, but first come first serve."

"But I was here fir-"

"I'd love to hear your life story," said Mr. West, "But as you can see, I have business to attend to with Mr. Clause."

"My, aren't you a big boy!" said "Santa", "And what would you like for Christmas?"

"Let's get one thing straight," said Adam, "For Christmas this year I want a pony, and not just any pony. I want it to have a black cape and be called Bathorse. I also want it to have a plastic costume with erect nipples included."

"You know what?" asked "Santa", "Since you all seem like such good little boys, how about you all come into my workshop? I have a bunch of candy canes you can all suck on!"

"YAY!" shouted the boys and Adam West.

"OH NO YOU DON'T!" shouted Maddie, "I came here to sit on your lap, not to get screw over because of my gender!"

"Maddie, stop," said Meg, "You're making a scene."

"You're gonna hear my Christmas wish!" said Maddie as she ran up to "Santa" and tried to sit on his lap.

"Maddie, get back here!" said Lois.

"SECURITY!" shouted "Santa".

The security gaurds came and tried to grab Maddie away from "Santa" but she grabbed on tightly to his beard. She then accidently pulls of the beard to reveal that Santa was Old Man Herbert.

"Herbert?" she asked.

"Heh," he chucled nervoulsy, "Who still wants to come inside for some candy canes."

All the parents then took their children away in disappointment and went home leaving Herbert alone in the mall with Adam West.

"I like candy canes," said Adam West.

Later on, Meg, Lois, Stewie, and Maddie return home. Meg looks a little frustrated with Maddie.

"I can't believe you would do that!" said Meg, "How embarrasing!"

"How did it go?" asked Zack who had a bandage on his head.

"Horrible," said Maddie, "Santa was a fake."

"Huh?"

"She pulled off his beard," said Lois.

"Oh..." said Zack in understanding.

"I'm going to my room," said Maddie as she walked upstairs.

"Poor Maddie," said Zack.

"What are you talking about?" asked Peter "She seems to be taking it well."

"Peter, there is nothing sadder then finding out that something you believe in is a fake," said Zack.

"Look, just tell the kid that Santa is dead because the Easter Bunny killed him before killing himself in a suicide pact," Peter.

"I stand corrected," said Zack, "There's nothing sadder than finding out that something you believe in is _dead_."

Suddenly, there's a knock at the door.

"Wonder who the hell that is?" asked Peter. He walks up and as he opens the door, there stands a woman who resembled Jillian, but had long brown hair and wore typical hippie clothing that included bright colors, small glasses, a headband, bellbottoms, and a peace medallion "Sorry, we don't have marijuana here. Not anymore."

"No. I'm looking for Zack Murdock," said the woman, "Does he live here?"

"Yes, and who are you?" asked Peter.

"I'm his mother," she said.

"Mom?" asked Zack as he walked up to her.

"Zack, it's so good to see you again," she said as she hugged him.

"What brings you here?" asked Zack, "We haven't spoken since... you know..."

"Not our best moment," she said, "I came to visit you for Christmas."

"Valarie!" said Lois as she hugged Zack's mom, "Long time, no see."

"Lois," said Valarie, "It's good to see you again."

"Anyway, how's dad?" asked Zack.

"We divorced," said Valarie, "Bad vibes."

"So dad finally got on your last nerves, too?" asked Zack.

"Yeah," said Valarie, "Well, that and he's been useless from the neck down as of late. Anyway, whatever happened to that nice girl you were dating a few years back?"

"She dumped me after I got fired from BK," said Zack, "Anyway, I want you to meet my wife, Meg."

"Hello, Mrs. Murdock," said Meg, "It's so nice to finally meet you."

"Oh my," said Valarie, "I've always feared this day come, but I'm prepared. Zack… I accept your homosexual ways."

"What? NO!" said Zack, "Meg's a girl! I'm straight!"

"Oh… OH!" said Valarie in realization, "Oh she's a girl! Oh thank god… I thought she was a long haired boy."

"Why do people keep doing that?" asked Zack, "She doesn't even look like a boy! Anyway, you've already met Peter and you've gotten reacquainted with Lois. How about I introduce you to the rest of the family?"

"Why I'd love to meet everybody else," said Valarie.

"Hey, Maddie! Come here for a minute!" shouted Zack as Maddie walked from upstairs, "Mom, I'd like you to meet your grandchild, Madeline."

"Oh, how adorable," said Valarie as she held Maddie in her arms, "How old is she?"

"I'm almost a year old," said Maddie.

"And she talks?" she asked, "Am I high?"

"No, we were all surprised when we learned she could talk," said Zack

**Flashback**

Sometime a while back during the late night, Maddie is crying loudly while everybody else is trying to sleep.

"Zack, the baby's crying again," said Meg sleepily, "See what it wants."

"I got up 10 minutes ago," said Zack, "You go see what it wants."

"Zack, I breastfed her all day," said Meg, "I'm too tired."

"There's only one thing to do," said Zack, "PETER!!! SEE WHAT THE BABY WANTS!!!"

"LOIS, SEE WHAT THE BABY WANTS!!!" shouted Peter.

"Peter, I'm right next to you!" said Lois, "Besides, she's not mine anyway!"

"Let's just ignore her until she falls asleep," said Peter.

"That'll work," said Lois.

"I guess," said Meg.

"Totally," said Zack.

A few moments later, Maddie walks into Meg's room with an angry look on her face.

"DID YOU NOT HEAR ME?!?!?" she screamed, "WHEN I CRY, YOU COME TO SEE WHAT'S WRONG!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I WAS CRYING?!?!? 6 MINUTES!!! 6 FREAKING MINUTES!!! WHAT IF I WAS DYING?!?!?"

Meg and Zack stare at Maddie in disbelief.

"I mean... goo goo?" she said innocently.

**End Flashback.**

Stewie then walks into the room sniffing the air.

"I say. What the deuce smells like organic vegetation, peace, love, and hemp?" asked Stewie, "And I find only one of the four pleasureable. Try to guess what it is."

"Mom, this is Lois' youngest son, Stewie," said Zack.

"Wow," said Valarie, "He looks like the guy from the Lemonhead box."

"THAT WAS ONLY A SUMMER JO- er I mean, yes," said Stewie, "Looks like..."

"C'mon, Lois," said Peter, "I don't want to miss the new Kiss Christmas Special. In this one, Kiss violently kill the the Grinch who Stole Christmas."

"I hear Joe loves that one," said Lois as she and Peter go upstairs.

As Lois and Peter leave, Chris walks into the room holding a cell phone.

"Yeah, so what are you wearing?" asked Chris, "Uh, huh... Uh, huh... Ooooh baby! That's a lot of clothes! Anyway, I'll talk to you later. Love you, Jilly Bean."

"Chris, I'd like you to meet my mom," said Zack, "She's also Jillian's mother."

"Er, I mean, thank you but I do not wish to change long distance service providers," said Chris, "I bid you good day, sir... What do you mean you're confused? Jillian, it's me, Chris! You have to pretend you're the long distance salesman! Why? So our secret love can be a secret!"

"Chris, you were supposed to hang up," said Zack.

"But that's just rude!" said Chris.

"Anyway, this is Chris," said Zack, "Jillian's underaged lover, but intellectual equal."

"I never even knew that was possible," said Valarie.

"Her having an underaged lover?" asked Zack.

"No, the intellectual equal part," said Valarie.

Suddenly, Jillian walked into the house holding her cell phone.

"Chris, I'm still confused," said Jillian, "Am I the phone service provider or Jillian?"

"I DON'T KNOW!!!" shouted Chris in confusion.

"You're both idiots," said Zack.

"That put things into perspective," said Jillian, "Thanks, Zackie. Oh, hi mom!"

"It's good to see you again, Jillian," said Valarie.

"You're not going to believe it," said Jillian, "But I had kids."

"Oh no," said Valarie, "How many grandkids do I have? 10? 20? 50?"

"No, just two," said Jillian, "I had twins."

"...Oh," said Malarie relieved, "And they're so cute, too."

Brian then comes into the room looking kind of annoyed. L:ois and Peter come back downstairs to see this.

"What's the matter, Brian?" asked Lois.

"There's a Psychadelic Volkswagon Beetle parked in the front yard," said Brian, "It's over one of my chew toys and it's bugging the hell out of me."

"Speaking of whch, I want you to meet Valarie Murdock," said Lois, "She's Zack and Jillian's mom. And she's a hippie."

"Wow," said Brian, "So Zack's mom is a jobless hemp smoker. That explains why Jillian's so stupid."

"Brian, what are doing?" said Lois, "She's a guest and you should treat her like one."

"Lois, hippies are lazy and rely too much on the same "man" that they protest against," said Brian, "They're also too lazy to take real action and all they do is complain and get stoned. They expect everything to get handed to them while REAL people get JOBS and work their asses off to get somewhere in life."

"But Brian-" said Lois as he just walked off with his newspaper at hand.

"Geez, what's up with him?" asked Zack.

"I'm sorry," said Lois, "Brian's usually nicer than this."

"I wonder why did he get so angry at me?" asked Valarie.

"It's not you," said Peter, "Brian's just had a bad experince with hippies once."

**Flashback**

Brian's walking out of a grocery store holding a can of dog food in his hand. He is then spotted by a bunch of hippies who are protesting.

"Hey you!" shouted a male hippie, "Just who do you think you are eating meat?"

"Yeah!" said a female hippie, "Don't you know they killed innocent animals to make that can of dog food?"

"What?" asked Brian, "I'm a carnivore. I HAVE to eat meat."

"And what's with the fur coat?" said another female hippie, "FUR IS MURDER!"

"Um, I'm a dog?" said Brian, "This is MY fur!"

The hippies stare at Brian for a few seconds.

"GET HIM!!!" shouted the male hippy as they all chased after Brian and beat him with their protest signs.

**End Flashback.**

Later on, Brian is about to enter the guest room to read when he sees Valarie sitting in the middle of the room meditating.

"Oh..." said Brian in disdain, "Sorry, I didn't know you were here..."

"They're letting me stay in the guest room for the holiday," said Valarie, "I was just meditating."

"I'll, uh, I'll just go to the other room," said Brian.

"Brian, why don't you meditate with me?" she asked.

"I can't," said Brian, "You see, I like to-"

"It's because I'm a hippie isn't it?" she asked.

"What? NO!" laughed Brian, "What would make you think that?"

"Brian, Lois told me about what happened," said Valarie, "Not all hippies are like that. Sure, some like to push their beliefs a little to far, but I'm not like that at all."

"I suppose not," said Brian.

"I know we started on the wrong foot," said Valarie as she handed him a wrapped box, "But I want to give you this for Christmas. You can open it now, if you like."

Brian opens it up to see a beautifully painted moonstone necklace.

"Wow, this is beautiful," said Brian, "Thanks."

"I painted it myself," said Valarie.

"You're kidding!" said Brian, "Are you an artist?"

"I wanted to be," said Valarie, "But I never thought I was good enough."

"Who said?" asked Brian.

**Flashback. **

About 11 years ago, Valarie is painting a portrait on a sheet of paper. She then takes it and shows it to her husband.

"Take a look at what I made," said Valarie, "It's a painting of our son. I chose to use warm colors to reflect the warm feeling he brings to my heart and soul."

"Hey that's great!" said Zack's dad as he took the picture and walked off, "We're outta toilet paper."

Valarie just stares angrily as he walks off. Her left eye twitches a little.

**End Flashback.**

"I think you would've made a wonderful artist," said Brian, "I didn't know that a hippie could have such talent."

"Speaking of talents, I've always admired your singing," said Valarie, "You have a very wonderful voice. I even went to see The King and I just to hear you sing. Boy was that a waste of time..."

"Yeah, that was Peter's fault," said Brian, "But, you liked my singing?"

"Of course," said Valarie, "You have a very terrific voice."

They both look into each others eyes lovingly and begin to kiss passionately. Meanwhile downstairs, the family comes home from doing Christmas shopping.

"Do you think Stewie will like this new Tickle Me Elmo: Special Place Edition?" asked Lois as she touched it.

"HELP! HELP!" screamed Elmo, "I NEED AN ADULT!"

"Zack, where's your mom?" asked Meg, "She can help us wrap the presents in tie dye T-shirts."

"Oh that brings back memories," said Zack as he was reminiscing, "The good ones, mind you. Not the ones involving my dad. They're all bad."

Zack goes upstairs to the guest room and opens the door.

"Hey, mom. Could you help us wrap the- HOLY CRAP!!!!" shouted Zack as he stumbled onto his mom and Brian making love.

Later on, everybody is in the living room trying to calm Zack down.

"Zack, just calm down," said Valarie.

"Clam down?!?!" asked Zack, "I just walked in on you getting it on with a DOG!!! HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO CALM DOWN?!?!"

"Look, I love your mother," said Brian, "I never felt this way about a woman before. Usually, all the women I've dated were stupid."

"Hey!" said Jillian, "I repent that!"

"Case in point," said Brian, "Anyway, I just want the best for you mother. You'll probably get used to it in time."

"I understand," said Zack.

Then out of nowhere, Zack pulls out his shotgun and shoots Brian dead in the head.

"BRIAN!!!" screamed Valarie, "WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?!?!"

Zack then shoots his mother.

"Zack, don't make me call the police!" said Lois.

Zack then shot her too. He then gunned down the rest of the family in a fit of insane rage. He then goes on a rampage, gunning down innocent people until he is gunned down by the police.

"Zack?" asked Meg as Zack snapped out of his daydream, "Zack, are you okay?"

"Huh? Oh I'm just fine," said Zack, "Anyway, I'm happy for you, mom."

Zack then leaves with Meg into the kitchen.

"I'm so happy for your mom," said Meg.

"I'm not!" said Zack, "I can't believe mom would be doing it with Brian of all people!"

"Zack, your mom can date whoever she wants!" said Meg, "It's her choice! Not yours."

"But it's wrong!" said Zack, "I'm telling you, they'll make a worse couple than Mulan and Samaurai Jack!"

**Cutaway.**

In a nice house in a suburban neighborhood, Samaurai Jack is sitting on his chair reading a newspaper while Mulan is doing the dishes.

"Our son Yang got in trouble at school today," said Mulan, "Apparently he threatened a kid with your sword."

"Are you sure it wasn't yours?" he muttered.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Oh don't lie!" said Jack, "I know you have one! I heard stories of you disguised as a man to join some army! Then you fell in love with some guy named Shang! You told me you were single when I first met you!"

"Oh yeah?!?!" she challenged, "Well what about you? You left me for 1 week alone with the kids do go destroy some stupid demon while going through time! You said it was a business trip!"

"IT WAS!!!" shouted Jack, "IT'S _MY_ BUSINESS!!!"

They then start shouting at each other in Chinese and Japanese with occasional bleeps to censor out the obsceneties. They stare at each other for a few seconds.

"God I love you, Jack!" said Mulan.

"I love you too, Mulan!" said Jack as they both began to kiss each other passionately.

**End Cutaway **

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING?!?! I SAID _WORSE _COUPLE!!!" shouted Zack.

"Who are you talking to?" asked Meg.

"Oh! Uh... Nothing," said Zack, "Okay, so Brian loves my mom and I could have a dog for a dad. What next?"

Suddenly there's a knock on the door. Peter goes to answer it and there stands a fat balding man with a beard, wearing jeans, a stained tanktop with an opened red plaid shirt.

"Can we help you?" asked Peter.

"Yeah, I'm here to see that lousy Zack Murdock," said the man.

"And you are?" asked Peter.

"Unfortunately, his dad," he said, "Name's Frank Murdock."

Zack looks at the door to see his father. His eyes widen in unspeakable horror as they become bloodshot.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" he screamed to the sky.

"Zack what's wrong?" said Valarie as she came downstairs. She then looked at the doorway to see her ex-husband, "Oh dear lord..."

"Oh..." said Frank, "It's you."

"Oh, so you're Zack's father," said Lois.

"Hey there, hot stuff," said Frank.

"Whoa, buddy!" said Peter, "You can't call my wife hot stuff! You'll call her a hot woman like everybody else!"

"No one cares what they're called," said Frank, "As long as they do what they're supposed to, like cook, clean, and give you late night action."

"Hey, dad," said Zack, "Have you met the rest of the family? I'm sure you remember Meg. She's my wife, now."

"Um, hi Mr. Murdock," said Meg nervously, "Remember me?"

"Oh god," said Frank, "You married that fat bitch? Why couldn't you have just married a cow! It would've been less insulting! Stull disgusting, but less insulting."

"Dad, please!" said Zack.

"Why couldn't you have married somebody prettier," said Frank, "Like Jillian?"

"She's my sister!"

"You're HALF sister and that makes it technically not incest."

"No it doen't!" said Zack.

"So... would you like to see our child?" asked Meg.

"Hell no!" said Frank, "I don't want to see no frikkin kid with your genes mixed with his. It's probably ugly as sin!"

Upstairs, Maddie hears this and quickly shuts her door to cry.

"Anyways, what were you guys doing?" he asked.

"We were just about to have Christmas Eve dinner," said Lois, "We would like it if you-"

"Join you? Hells yeah! I'll just make myself at home," he said as walked to the kitchen and let out a fart.

"Why the hell did you invite him?" asked Peter.

"I didn't!" said Lois, "I was about to tell him to get the hell out!"

"Hey, maybe it won't be so bad," said Brian.

"Ha! You wish!" laughed Valarie sarcastically.

"Saying it won't be so bad with our dad is like saying video game based movies don't suck," said Zack.

"Actually, I though House of the Dead seemed very accurate," said Jillian.

"...Seriously, no one on this planet can be this blatantly stupid," said Zack.

"No Jillian, the most accurate video game based movie was Super Mario Bros," said Peter, "Everybody knows that."

"...I won't say it," said Zack as he shook his head, "It's just too easy."

At the dinner table everyone is trying to have a nice dinner... except Frank who is sloppily eating his food like a pig.

"Hey porky!" said Frank to Meg, "Pass me some at that there stuffing before you eat it all."

"She has a name!" said Zack angrily, "And it's Meg."

"So, Frank," said Brian, "I hear you-"

"Shuddup!" said Frank, "Dogs can't talk."

"Um, daddy," said Jillian, "Zack's not the only one who became a parent. In fact I gave birth to twins not long ago."

"Who's the father?" asked Frank, "I swear to god when I find him, I'll cut him up with this steak knife and send him to McDonald's as packaged meat."

"May I be excused?" asked Chris.

"Yes, you may," said Lois.

Chris walks upstairs but then quickly runs the rest of the way. Everybody then hears Chris' window open and then more footsteps. They then hear a car drive off, and then for some reason, they hear an airplane take off.

"Anyway, I've been able to move on after our divorce," said Valarie, "In fact, I'm going out with Brian now."

"The dog?" he asked, "Hey, you two are perfect together because you've always been such a bitch!"

"Now wait a minute!" said Brian.

"Hey what did I tell you!" said Frank, "Dogs can't talk! I don't wanna have to go back to my meds, so shut up!"

"So, exactly how did you and Valarie meet?" asked Lois.

"One day I got stoned at a rock concert and the next thing I new I was in bed with a hippie," said Frank, "Second biggest mistake of my life."

"What was your first biggest mistake?" asked Peter.

"When that guy was born," he said pointing to Zack.

"Zack was not a mistake!" said Valarie, "He is your son!"

"He ain't my son!" said Frank, "He was frikkin rape baby!"

"WHAT?!?!" shouted Zack.

"We said promised we would never tell him that!" said Valarie.

"Why not? He's already a huge disappointment to me!" said Frank.

"Well, you leaving me all alone in the bad side of town didn't help!" she shouted.

"If you just had the abortion like I told you to-"

"What happened that night wasn't his fault!" she shouted angrily, "Stop holding it against him!!!"

"Say, who wants dessert?" asked Meg trying to change the subject.

"Sure, as long as you didn't eat it all, porky," said Frank.

"Stop calling me porky!" said Meg.

"Fine, you fatass bitch," said Frank, "He must've been really desperate if he married you."

Meg then starts to cry and runs into her room.

"Yeah, and don't forget your uglier kid!" said Frank.

Maddie then goes upstairs to cry with her mom.

"That's enough!" said Zack, "I'm not going to let you talk that way to my wife or kid! And here I thought that guy was a terrible father!" he said pointing to Peter.

"What? My chair?" asked Peter.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" asked Frank.

"Frank stop it," said Valarie.

"You shut up!" said Frank.

"No, YOU shut up!" said Brian, "I'm tired of hearing you badmouth everybody including your ex wife and your own son!"

"I told you he ain't my son! And that bitch..."

"Valarie is a great woman!" said Brian, "I'm starting to see why she left you in the first place! You're a bald, abusive, overwieght son of a bitch who blames his problems on everyone but himself! She deserved better than you!"

"If by better you mean a mangy, flea bitten mutt then yeah," laughed Frank.

Brian then leapt towards Frank and bit him on the leg.

"OH GOD!!!" he screamed, "GET 'IM OFF ME!"

Peter then throws the turkey which gets stuck on Frank's head and punches him in the face. Zack then grabs him by his shirt and throws him out of the house.

"I've had enough of you, Frank!" said Zack angrily, "I don't ever want to see you ever again or I'll kick your ass!!!"

Zack then slams the door angrily and sits down the couch with his hands covering his face. Meg and Maddie slowly come downstairs and sit by Zack to confort him. Peter then sits next to Zack.

"Geez, Zack. I never knew you had such a rough childhood," said Peter, "Your dad's worse than Bing Crosby. I mean, yeah he'd beat his kids with a sack of oranges, but man your dad would make Hitler look like a saint."

"I'm sorry about that," said Valarie, "This kind of stuff happens every year for us."

"Christmas dinner was always so depressing," said Jillian.

"Hey, you can't just let him ruin it for everybody," said Brian, "C'mon, it's almost Christmas! It's supposed to be the best time of the year!"

"Brian's right," said Lois, "C'mon, everybody! We'll make a new Christmas dinner!"

"I'll set up the table," said Meg.

"I'll set up the silverware," said Maddie.

"I'll make the turkey," said Valarie.

"I'll get high off the turkey," said Stewie.

"Sweet!" said Peter, "Wait, where's Chris?"

"Okay, I'm back," said Chris who walked into the house wearing a sombrero, "I'm confused... Why do people want to vacation in Mexico when all the Mexicans do is leave anyway? It's kinda like a paradox."

"Now son," said Peter, "That's for the immigration people to deal with."

After the second Christmas dinner, everyone spent the night at the house instead of going to their respective homes. The very next morning everybody was in the living room opening their presents.

"My god!" said Stewie as he opened another present, "Plutonium? Again?!?!"

He then tosses it onto a pile of the rest of Plutonium he got over the years. Maddie is then about to open her present which begins to vibrate..

"Wow, cool!" said Maddie, "A shaking, buzzing box! Wonder what's in it?"

"Whoops!" said Lois nervously, "Sorry, that's grandmommy's! Here's your present, Maddie."

"Oh... a dollhouse," said Maddie, "Can I see what your present-"

"No!" said Lois quickly.

"Merry Christmas: from Herbert," said Jillian as she read her gift tag.

"What is it?" asked Chris.

"It's just a bowling ball," said Jillian, "And there's a sparkling rope on it. I'll be right back."

Jillian walks down to Herbert's house holding the "bowling ball". She knocks on the door and out steps Herbert.

"Oh, hello there hussy- er I mean Jillian," said Herbert, "Why haven't you opened your present yet."

"Actually, I did," said Jillian, "But I don't want it since I don't really like bowling and I wanted to give it back. I hope you're not mad. Goodbye!"

Jillian hands Herbert the "bowling ball" and walks off.

"Uh oh!" said Herbert as the fuse from the bomb went off and then exploded. Adam West then walks up to Herbert who is covered in soot.

"Sir, that was the weirdest tasting candy cane I ever had!" said Adam West, "You got any more?"

"Sure," said Herbert, "Just come on down to the cellar."

Back at the Griffin house, Zack comes up to his mom with a Christmas present of his own.

"I got this for you, mom," said Zack, "I hope you like it."

Valarie opens the gift to see an art set complete with paints, colored pencils and pastels.

"Thank you, son," said Valarie as she hugged him.

"Also, I just wanted to say that I now fully support you and Brian being together," said Zack, "Even if I do end up with wierd looking brothers and sisters."

"Zack, your mother and I decided that we should see other people," said Brian.

"What? But I thought you two liked each other," said Zack.

"We do," said Valarie, "But I'm just not ready to settle down in a relationship again and neither is Brian."

"That's why we're just staying friends," said Brian, "Is that alright with you?"

"I guess..." said Zack.

Peter is looking at his present.

"Wonder what this is?" asked Peter.

"Open it," said Meg, "Zack and I got that one for you."

"Oh let me guess," said Peter, "Is it a box inside a box inside a box inside a box inside a box inside a box inside a box inside a box inside a box with a lump of coal in it? I know I'm not the brightest in this family, but you don't have to constantly insult my intelligence!"

"Just open the present!" said Zack.

Peter then opens the present to find something he never expected from Zack.

"Oh... my... GOD!" said Peter, "The complete original Star Wars Trilogy... and it has George Lucas' autograph!"

"It cost us a lot," said Meg, "But Zack thought it was worth it."

"Yes, I know we have our differences," said Zack, "But you're basically closer to a dad than I've ever had and I'm grateful for that... which makes my marraige seem like borderline incest. Merry Christmas, Peter."

"I don't know what to say..." said Peter as a tear rolled from his eye, "Except... DON'T LET MEG OPEN HER PRESENT!!!"

"What?" asked Meg as she was about to open it.

Peter then grabbed the present from Meg and threw it out the window. It then explodes in a gooey mass of garbage.

"That was close," said Peter.

Zack raises his fist at Peter angrily, but instead of punching him he surprisingly gives him a hug.

"Ah, c'mere, you big lug!" said Zack.

"That's our Peter!" said Lois.

Everybody then laughed. For the Griffins, it was truly a Merry Christmas indeed.

**End Chapter.**

**Author's Commentary: Funny history about this chapter. The original Christmas idea was going to involve Brian, Stewie, and Maddie going to the North Pole but the idea ended up being scrapped due to problems with moving the story along. Well, that and the fact that I can't write a musical number to save my life. Not even if somebody pointed a gun to my head and forced me to watch Carlos Mencia all day. Hopefully, I'll try to make a "Road to..." story sometime later to make up for this. The Santa scene was also from that idea and I liked it so much that I kept it. The Zack's mom storyline was also another earlier idea. It was originally going to be used for the Thanksgiving chapter but was scrapped in favor of the Future Maddie story. Also, Zack's mom wasn't originally supposed to be a hippie, but a therapist! Don't know why I decided to go with hippie though. If you read the first version, you'll noticed I changed the ending. This is how I intended it to be, but was afraid that people would find it to be a little too sappy. But as someone pointed out, I was going overboard with bashing Peter so I happily changed it. Anyway, the writer's block is finally gone so I should no longer have a problem writing chapters. Thanks for the ideas and even though I might not use them as full fledged stories, I may try to use a few elements from them. See you next chapter and to everyone at FF dot net, Merry Christmas!**


	39. Tanks For The Memories

**Chapter 39: Tanks For The Memories**

(A/N: Credit once again goes to snake screamer for the idea. "Tanks" ss.)

It was early morning. Meg and Zack were asleep in bed, nuzzled closely next to each other. Even though she was asleep, she felt very safe in Zack's arms. However, that feeling of safety would all go to hell as there was a loud rumbling noise coming from outside. The huge vibrations caused her and Zack to fall out of bed and onto the floor.

"Oh my god!" said Meg, "An earthquake? In Quahog?"

"Quick!" said Zack, "Get to Madeline before God does!"

When the rumbling stops, they hear a family laugh. One that went "Neheheheheheh!"

"Dad?" she asked as she and Zack got dressed and went downstairs.

Everyone then walked outside and to their surprise, they saw a huge tank parked in the front yard. Peter then emerged from said tank, and climbs down.

"Check it out!" said Peter.

"Peter! You bought another tank?" asked Lois.

"Pffft, no!" said Peter, "That would be stupid. I broke into the impound yard and stole it back."

"Wow, Peter. That was brilliant," said Brian sarcastically, "I hope you left plenty of evidence behind."

"Crap! I knew I forgot something," said Peter, "I covered my tracks on the way here."

"You guys have a tank?" asked Zack.

"Yeah, it's my tank," said Peter.

"No, it's MY tank," said Meg, "You bought it with my money when I was trying to buy a car."

"Your tank?" asked Zack, "Then that means... It's MY tank, too!!! SCORE!"

"Meg, I don't want you driving a tank," said Lois, "It's too dangerous."

"But that's what makes it so fun!" said Zack.

"Zack, I think mom's right," said Meg, "I should have a car, not a tank."

"Meg, any yutz can have a car," said Zack, "But when you've got a tank, you're on top of the world! You've always said that you've wanted to be noticed and this, my dear, is the right tool for just that! Not having one is like being a Texan without a gun! Do you want to be a Texan without her gun?"

"No!" said Meg.

"That's right!" said Zack, "And that there is the biggest gun there is! A car reflects the owner's personality. Are you a tank, or are you gonna be some underperforming ugly Hummer?"

"I'M A TANK, DAMMIT!" shouted Meg.

"So what are you gonna do, tank?" asked Zack.

"I'm keeping this tank!" said Meg.

"I can't heeeeear you!"

"I SAID I'M KEEPING THIS F(bleep)KING TANK!!!" shouted Meg.

"Alrighty, then," said Zack, "Let's all celebrate, by going to McDonald's. I'm buying and Meg's driving!"

"Really?" asked Meg, "I'll get the keys to your car."

"Who said anything about using the car?" said Zack as he smiled and raised an eyebrow.

Later, the family is within the tank at the drive through window of McDonald's.

"Okay, so here's what everyone wants," said Meg into the speaker, "2 Big Macs, 2 quarter pounders, one big and tasty, 5 medium fries, and 2 happy meals."

"Can I have McNuggets with my happy meal?" asked Stewie.

"Okay, instead of 2 happy meals, how about 1 regular happy meal, and 1 with mcnuggets," said Meg.

"You don't want McNuggets," said Maddie, "You only get six pieces."

"Yeah, but they're sooooooooo good!" said Stewie.

"But most aren't even white meat!" said Maddie.

"Ugh, you're right," said Stewie, "God knows which part of the chicken they use. Alright, I'll have the cheeseburger happy meal."

"Alright," said Meg, "Change that McNugget happy meal to a cheeseburger one."

"Hey, why does he get a cheeseburger meal?" asked Maddie, "I want a cheeseburger meal!"

"Fine..." sighed Meg, "Make both happy meals a cheeseburger meal."

"Um, I want a happy meal toy," said Peter, "Ask them if you can get one seperately."

"I think you have to buy a happy meal," said Meg.

"Alright then," said Peter, "I guess I'll have a happy meal, too, then."

"So you want a happy meal instead of the Big mac and fries?" asked Meg.

"No," said Peter, "I want the big mac, and fries WITH a happy meal."

"What?!?!" asked Zack, "Nuts to that! I'm not made of money!"

"Okay, forget the happy meal," said Peter, "Just give me your toy, Stewie."

"Like hell I'll give you my toy!" said Stewie.

"Come to the window to pick up your order," said a nasally teen voice from the speaker.

Meg is about to pull the tank forward, but sees the clearance roof blocking the way.

"This tank's too big," said Meg.

"One of us will have to go outside and get it," said Lois.

"Oh no we don't," said Zack, "Meg, press that button."

As Meg pressed the button, the tank fires and blows up the clearance roof. She moves the tank forward towards the window where a pimply faced teenager is holding the bag of food and looking on in shock. Zack then comes from the top of the tank to pay for the food.

"Here buddy," said Zack as he took the food and went back into the tank, "Keep the change."

"Um... thanks?" said the awkward teen as the tank leaves.

"HEY!!! THAT PUNK SPAT A LOOGIE IN MY BURGER!!!" shouted Zack from within the tank..

The tank then fires at the drive thru window, blowing it and the pimply faced teen to smithereens(may he rest in peace).

"No wait, that's just the pickles. Nevermind, dude," said Zack, "Um... dude?"

The next day at James Woods High School, Meg is digging through her locker when she overhears the popular girls talking.

"I was thinking that we could all hang out at the mall," said Connie.

"That is, like, so awesome," said a random popular girl, "Who's car should we take?"

"We'll take my Ferarri," said Connie.

"Hey, why don't you guys ride in _my_ car?" asked Meg.

The girls then look at Meg and then laugh at her.

"Sorry, Meg," said Connie mockingly, "But I don't think anyone wants to ride in that old beat up station wagon or Shaggy's Mystery Machine."

"Why don't you come outside and see my car," said Meg, "I'll bring it up front."

"This I gotta see," snickered Connie.

The girls then go out, expecting to see Meg in some old beat up jalopy, but their jaws drop when they instead see a tank pulling forward.

"Holy crap..." said a random popular girl.

"Wow, that tank looks so powerful," said the other random popular girl, "Suddenly, I think Meg's cool!"

"Hop in, everybody," said Meg as all the girls, except Connie, climbed into the tank.

"NO! Get back here!," shouted Connie as the tank pulled away and ran over Connie's car, "MY FERARRI!!!"

Suddenly, a Ferrari pulls up in front of Connie and the door opens.

"Get in!" said Quagmire who was driving the car, "I saved your Ferrari!"

"Yes! Everything's coming up Connie!" said Connie as she stepped into the car, "Wait... This isn't my interior."

Quagmire then locks the doors and speeds off in the Ferrari. Later that night, the Griffins were having their usually nightly TV time.

"You were right, Zack!" said Meg, "That tank really did turn everything around for me. For the first time in my life, I was the bitch and Connie was Meg!"

"Speaking of Connie," saids Peter, "I could wear I could hear her screaming from next door."

"That's probably nothing," said Zack, "Hey Meg, is it alright if I use the tank tommorrow?"

"Why?" asked Meg, "You already have a car."

"I know," said Zack, "But I've always wanted to drive a tank since I was 16. Hell, I even got a list of stuff I wanna do with it right here in my wool cap."

"I guess you can," said Meg.

"Hey, dad," said Maddie, "Can I come with you tommorrow in the tank?"

"Take the kid," said Peter, "There's no harm in letting a very small child, no older than 1, ride in a vehicle only suitable for combat on a battlefield."

"You're absolutely right," said Zack, "Maddie, tommorrow you're gonna ride in a tank."

"I don't know," said Lois, "It seems so irrisponsible and stupid."

"No, I'll tell you what's stupid, Lois," said Brian, "Remember what Peter did during that game of Monopoly?"

**Flashback.**

The entire family is in the living room playing a game of Monopoly. Peter then pulls out a card.

"Alright! A get out of jail free card!" said Peter as then runs to the phone, "Hello, police? You guys still trying to figure out what happened to Stacy Peterson? I'm Peter Griffin, I did it and I dare you to come over here and get me, cause I ain't going nowhere! Nope, not moving one inch!" Peter then hangs up the phone, "God, I love being smart."

**End Flashback. **

The next day, somewhere in an apartment, Zack's dad Frank is sitting in on hois couch, watching TV. The phone suddenly rings, and he answers this.

"Who the hell is this?" he asked.

"Hey, dad," said Zack, "I want you to look out your window."

"If I look out my window I'm gonna see something weird," said Frank, "You're either gonna moon me, or you're showin' me you got a sex change. When I look out there, I swear to god you better be mooning me."

He then looks out his window and sees a huge tank parked in the parking lot, aiming for his apartment room.

"OH GOD!!!" he shouts out as the tank fires. He jumps away to safety, but his apartment is destroyed.

"HA!" laughed Zack, "Tanks for the crappy childhood, dad!"

"Ha ha! That is so funny!" said Fouad, Peter's Arab co-worker from the Brewery who just came from nowhere, "It's funny because he said tanks instead of thanks, and tanks almost sounds like thanks and he used a tank to almost kill his dad. That is so clever!"

"Um, thanks Fouad," said Zack, "I think the readers got that."

"Oho! And now you break the fourth wall!" laughed Fouad, "That's funny because you're not supposed to know that you are fictional! God bless America!"

"...Okay...," said Zack as he pulled out his list, "Destroy dad's apartment: did that. Use a tank pun: did that. Make an Arab guy laugh: did that. Didn't know I had that on my list. What's next?"

"Daddy?" asked Maddie, "Can I use the tank?"

"Maddie this is a sophisticated military vehicle," said Zack, "It's too complicated for you."

"But I become a weapons expert when I grow up!" said Maddie.

"You can drive the tank when you're older," said Zack.

"How about now?" asked Future Maddie who was suddenly sitting next to Zack and Maddie.

"No," said Zack, "Wait- what are you doing here?"

"Cameo," she simply said.

"Cameo? What are you-?" asked Zack before he noticed she was gone, "Huh... That was weird. Okay, what's next on the list?... Ohoho! You're mother's gonna love this one."

"Why?" she asked, "What's it say?"

"Nothing!" said Zack.

"Are you gonna beat up mommy, again?" she asked.

"...Yes," lied Zack, "Yes I am."

Later that night, we cut to the exterior of the tank which seems to be rocking back and forth rhythemically. Wanna guess why? Of course you don't!

"Ouch! My back!" said Meg, "Zack, there's just too much stuff in here!"

"I know," said Zack, "You know, having sex in a tank leaves much to be desired."

"Sorry, but I don't think we can do this," said Meg.

"Sure we can," said Zack, "Just move your foot a little."

At that moment, the tank suddenly fires... onto the side of Cleveland's house... and he's taking a bath.

"Oh damn!" he shouts as his tub begins to slide off, "No no no no no NO NO NO NO NO!!!" he shouts as the tub then crashes and shatters onto the ground, "Maybe I should just stop bathing, because this is getting old."

Much later, as in late at night, Maddie is in bed trying to sleep when she suddenly hears the faint pitter patter of small footsteps. She recognised those small, quick footsteps belonging to Stewie. She climbed out from her crib and ran downstairs after him. She saw his shadow quickly leave the front door, and she followed in persuit. She then watches as Stewie is about to climb into the tank.

"This is the perfect device to use in my plans for world conquest," said Stewie, "Victory shall be mine!"

"Stewie, what are you doing up?" asked Maddie.

"What does it look like?" said Stewie, "I'm about to use this tank to rule the world!"

"Really?" asked Maddie, "Can I come too?"

"You shall do no such thing!" said Stewie, "The last thing I need is some woman by my side! Give me one good reason why I should let you come along."

"I become a weapons expert for the CIA when I grow up," said Maddie.

"...So what?"

"Did I mention that I know where Bertram lives?" aksed Maddie.

"Alright, deal," said Stewie, "Hop in!"

The two babies then jump into the tank and drive off into the night.

"So, what do we do first?" asked Maddie.

"We shall go to Washington DC first!" said Stewie, "We'll threaten to take down the White House if our demands are not made."

"DC?!?!" said Maddie, "But that'll take forever to get there! Why don't you let me use the tank first!"

"Get your hands off the controls, you insipid infant!" shouted Stewie.

"No YOU get your hands off, you Hey Arnold wannabe!" shouted Maddie.

The two then start to fight each other a bit, until Maddie's foot accidentally presses onto a button, which causes the tank to fire into the distance. A huge mushroom cloud then appears in the middle of the city.

"Um... what did we hit?" asked Maddie.

"Given the direction where the turret was facing, I'd say City Hall," said Stewie.

"City hall?!?!" shouted Maddie, "Oh Crap!!! We're in big trouble!"

"So? It's just City Hall," said Stewie.

"No! Look!" said Maddie pointing to a bunch of tanks approaching them. Inside one of them is Adam West.

"How dare you vile terrorists destroy City Hall," said Adam West, "I had comic books in there! And cheese! And taffy! Oh god help you, there was taffy in there!"

Adam West then opens fire from his tank, aiming for the kids' tank.

"BAIL OUT!!!" shouts Maddie as she and Stewie jump from out of the tank in the nick of time.

"Well this is a fine mess you've gotten us into!" said Stewie, "Just like what you did at the comedy club!"

**Flashback.**

At a small comedy club, Maddie and Stewie are sitting at a table. Maddie then decides to heckle the performer.

"BOO!!!" shouted Maddie, "You stink! You're not funny! Go back to wherever the hell you came from! You SUCK!!!"

"Alright, who said that?" asked the performer, who happened to be Kramer from Seinfeld.

"They did," lied Maddie, pointing to a couple of black guys.

**End Flashback.**

"Wait, was I even born when that happened?" asked Maddie.

"I dunno," said Stewie, "Half this stuff is made up, anyway. Hell, I wasn't even born during the O.J. Simpson thing."

The babies then finally make it home and sneak upstairs to their room.

"Okay, if they don't ask, we don't tell," said Maddie.

"I suppose," said Stewie, "But, I believe it's fair to warn you... There is a good chance that I will betray you."

"Whatever. Good night..." said Maddie as she and Stewie drifted off to sleep.

The very next morning, Meg and Zack wake up and walk to the door getting ready to use their tank. For some reason, the others(sans Maddie and Stewie), were outside.

"What a great day to take the tank to the mall," said Meg.

"What a great day to blow stuff up!" said Zack, "Um, what are you guys doing outside?"

"Zack, the tank's gone!" said Peter.

"What?!?!" asked Zack, "What happened?"

"I'll tell you what happened," said Joe as he wheeled to Zack, "Apparently, the tank was used last night to destroy City Hall."

"City Hall?" asked Meg.

"Not only that," said Joe, "Apparently this tank was taken illegally from the impound yard. Now that, along with the collateral damages done to the city, you'll have to pay this amount in fines."

"HOLY F(bleep)ING MOLEY!!!" shouted Zack as he looked at the piece of paper, "Well... At least we still have the tank."

"No you don't," said Joe, "The tank was blown to kingdom come last night."

"NOOOO!!!" shouted Meg, "MY POPULARITY!"

"MY GUN!" shouted Zack.

"MCNUGGETS!!!" shouts Peter. Everybody then stares at him for a few seconds, "Wait, I'm still not playing this right, am I?"

"Whoever stole that tank last nght is in BIG trouble," said Zack angrily.

"Then you might wanna talk to little Becky," said Adam West as he walked up to Zack, "I have photographed evidence of her fleeing the scene along with an accomplice. Have a look."

"Um, Mr West," said Brian, "This looks like a picture of your own butt."

"I know," said Adam West, "I was going to use it in a hilarious butt related pun, but somehow I forgot what it was. Anyway, here's the real picture."

Zack looks at a picture and sees Stewie and Maddie running away from a burning tank. Zack looks FURIOUS!

"MADELINE MARY ANN MURDOOOOOOOOCK!!!!!!" he shouts to the sky.

The family then hears footsteps from the backyard. They run and catch Stewie and Maddie trying to climb over the fence. Zack grabs Maddie by her dress and gives her a very mean look.

"Daddy, I'm sorry!" pleads Maddie.

"Sorry?" he asks, "Well sorry's not good enough! You messed up big time, missy!"

"Am I grounded?" she asked.

"You can't ground her," said Meg, "She's just a baby!"

"You know what, you're right," said Zack, "I got a better idea. Starting tommorrow, you won't be watching TV or playing your games. Wanna know why? Because I'm sending you... to Preschool!"

"P-Preschool?" stuttered Maddie, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

**Narrator: Preschool? Can Maddie survive preschool? Will Stewie, C.J. and Tilly be involved? And speaking of C.J. and Tilly, will they ever talk? Whatever happened to Olivia Fuller? Will she appear in this story? And will Peter not get naked next chapter? The answer to the last question... is no.**

**End Chapter.**


	40. Kicking It Up Preschool

**Chapter 40: Kickin' it up Pre School**

**(A/N: Credit goes out to Milordo-z 2.0 and Jazman70192 who contributed ideas to this chapter in one way or another)**

In the downtown courthouse, Peter and Zack are standing in front of the judge for the charges against them.

"Hmm... According this, you owe the city... $900,000 in fines?!?!" said the Judge, "What did you do? Kill a cop?"

"Umm, no," said Peter, "We let our kids use a tank and destroy City Hall."

"Oh. Well do have the money to pay for the fine?" he asked.

"Not exactly," said Zack, "$900,000 is hard to come by in 1 day. We need time."

"Exactly how much time?" asked the judge.

"Ask my great grandchildren and they'll have payed about 1/3rd of the fine," said Zack.

"I see...," said the Judge, "How about I drop the charges, if the children do time?"

"You can't do that!" said Lois, "Jail is a horrible place for babies! I can't let Stewie be in a place surrounded by only men where he must shower with these men and sleep with these men!"

"Actually, I love the sound of it," said Stewie, "Put me away!"

"Can't you just make them do community service instead?" asked Meg.

"That's a good idea, young man," said the Judge.

"Girl," said Meg.

"No one cares," said the Judge.

"I do!" said Zack.

"Shut up!" said the Judge.

"Yes, sir," said Zack.

"The children shall do community service," said Judge, "But what kind of community service?"

"I'm punishing my daughter by sending her to Preschool," said Zack.

"That's a good idea, bearded lady," said the Judge.

"I'm a dude!" said Zack.

"Whatever," said the Judge, "Mr. Griffin, I want you to send your boy to Preschool and the city will drop the charges!"

"Really?" asked Peter, "That's it? Sweet!"

Later at the Quahog Preschool center, Zack and Meg are trying to pull Maddie from her carseat, but she has her hands wrapped tightly on it. She was dressed up differently as she had on a blue dress instead of her pink one, had her hair styled in pigtails instead of looking like Meg's makeover, and had a blue bow in her hair.

"YOU CAN'T MAKE ME DO THIS!!!" Maddie screamed, "IT'S NOT FAIR!!! I DON'T WANNA GO!!! I HATE YOU!!! I HATE YOU!!! I HATE YOU!!! I WISH I WAS DEAD!!!"

"Maddie, don't be such a baby!" said Zack. Meg then gives Zack such a look at his statement.

"You HAVE to go," said Meg, "It was the only way. Besides, preschool is fun. You get to sing songs, nap, play, and finger paint."

"But they won't let me watch The Maury Show!" said Maddie, "How am I gonna be able to tell the difference between a woman and a tranny?!?! I could face life or death!"

"Well, there's no way in hell I'm paying a $900,000 fine for what you did last night!" said Zack, "Now, you get your ass in there right now!"

"NO!!!" she screamed to the top of her lungs. She then kicks Zack and Meg off her and locks the car doors.

"MADDIE!!! OPEN THIS DOOR!" shouted Zack as he banged on the window, "YOU'RE GONNA BE IN BIG TROUBLE, KID!!!"

"SCREW YOU!" shouted Maddie.

"Ugh, I hope Mom and Dad get here soon," said Meg.

Peter's car then pulls up next to Zack's car. Peter and Lois come out of the car with Stewie. To their surprise, they see Meg covering her face with her hands, Zack shouting and banging onto the window, and Maddie giving him a raspberry.

"What's going on?" asked Lois.

"Maddie really REALLY doesn't want to go," said Meg, "She locked herself in the car."

"Let me try something," said Lois as she walked to the window, "Madeline, you can't lock yourself in there forever. You need to come out and embrace preschool. You may even like-"

Maddie then blows the horn of Zack's car, making everybody cover their ears.

"I have a better idea," said Zack, "Hey, Maddie! Wanna know what a rock can do to glass?"

"Zack, no!" said Meg, "What if you get glass on her?"

"Hey, let me try something," said Peter, "MADDIE, YOUR MOM'S HAVING ANOTHER BABY!"

"WHAT?!?! But I'm still cute!" shouted Maddie as she opened the car door.

"GRAB HER!" shouted Peter as everybody then grabbed Maddie and pulled her out of the car.

"NO!!! LET ME GO!!!" Maddie shouted, "NONONONONONO!!!!"

Jillian's car then pulls up next to Peter's car. She and Chris come out of the car their children. Chris is holding C.J. and Jillian is holding Tilly. Tilly is wearing a purple dress while C.J. is wearing a blue shirt with black baby shorts. They notice Zack holding a kicking and screaming Maddie.

"What's wrong with her?" asked Jillian, "Is she getting her shots?"

"No, that goes differently," said Meg.

**Flashback.**

Maddie is sitting in the living room, watching TV when Zack comes into the room.

"Maddie, we're going to the doctor's office," said Zack.

"Why?" asked Maddie.

"It's time for your checkup," said Zack.

"But I had my checkup yesterday," said Maddie.

"You did?" asked Zack.

"Yeah," said Maddie, "Wait, I saw you and mom pulling straws earlier! Are you taking me to get shots?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...There's no right answer, is there?," said Zack.

Maddie pulls out a gun, shoots him and continues to watch TV.

**End Flashback.**

"So what are you guys doing here?" asked Meg.

"Chris and I decided to send C.J. and Tilly to Preschool, too," said Jillian.

"But not too much, though," said Chris, "Otherwise they'll learn too much. Then their brains will get bigger and then it'll be too big for their skulls and explode from their ears! That's why I don't learn."

"Anyway, I hope the teacher is good," said Meg.

"The teacher is what I'm afraid of," said Stewie, "I hope she's nothing like Miss Frizzle from the Magic School Bus."

**Flashback**

In Miss Frizzle's classroom, Miss. Frizzle is writing something on the chalkboard.

"Today we will learn about... oops!" said Miss Frizzle as she dropped her chalk, "Oh dear. Arnold, could you pick that up for me?"

"Okay," said Arnold as he bent down to pick it up. Miss Frizzle got a very good view of Arnold's rear.

"Mmmmmm," she said as she licked her lips.

"What was that?" asked Arnold.

"Oh nothing!" said Miss Frizzle, "Say, Arnold why don't you stay after school. I'll teach you how to put hot dogs in buns," she said in a seductive tone.

"Sure! I always seem to mess that up!" said Arnold oblivious.

**End Flashback.**

Everybody walks into the classroom to see the children doing various activities such as coloring, playing with blocks, and other preschool stuff. The teacher then approaches them.

"Oh, hello," she said, "You must be Madeline and Stewie's parents. I'm Mrs. Lockheart."

"M-M-Mrs. Lockheart?!?!" asked Chris in shock.

"Oh, hello Chris," said Mrs. Lockheart.

"Wait, I thought you were on the run for killing your husband," said Lois.

"The_bear_ killed him. Not me," she said, "But the bear then died. I think someone killed him with a rock bottom."

"Wasn't me," lied Zack(see chapter 20 for details), "Anyway, I must say that you sure have a huge boobroom, er I mean classroom!"

"Oh yeah!" said Peter, "I'm sure the kids will have lots of fun playing with your boobs, er I mean rack, er, I mean toys!"

"Um... I like your boobies!" said Chris as he then laughed and clapped. Jillian, Meg, and Lois then gives an angry look and clench their fists.

"Uh, I think it's time we leave the kids now," said Meg.

"Yeah, Peter," said Lois, "Let's go home."

"Wait," sad Peter, "I want Mrs. Lockheart to show us around, first."

"Oh, uh, yeah!" said Zack, "I want to make sure that... uh... the... children! Yeah that's it! The children are in a sexy, er I mean, safe environment."

Meg rolls her eyes as they all follow Mrs. Lockheart.

"As you can see," said Mrs. Lockheart, "This classroom has plenty of material needed to help educate your children and stimulate their minds."

"Yeah...," said Chris, "Stimulate..."

"Stimulation is good," said Peter.

"Are there any other questions?" she asked.

"Just one," said Jillian, "Do you see that fire extinguisher over there?"

"Hey! Wait a minute!" said Peter, "Have you ever noticed that when you both talk, you kinda sound like each other?"

"We do not!" said Mrs. Lockheart and Jillian in unison.

"Hey, I hear it too," said Zack.

"Anyway, you have fun, Tilly," said Jillian, "You too, C.J."

"Bye mommy," they both said in unison.

"Wait they can talk, now?" asked Zack.

"Well, people have been asking them to for a while," said Peter.

"Be a good boy, Stewie," said Lois as she kissed him on the forehead.

"Yes. A "good" boy," said Stewie as the camera zoomed into his face and evil music played.

"Please try to behave, Maddie," said Meg.

"For the love of god, don't leave me here!" begged Maddie as the adults left the building.

"Maddie, you don't have to be afraid of preschool," said Mrs. Lockheart, "It can be very fun."

"And I'll bet the guys say the same thing about your chest," said Maddie.

"Oh no she didn't," laughed C.J.(who sounds like a higher pitched Chris)

"Everybody's fingerpainting right now," said Mrs. Lockheart, "Why don't you and Tilly sit on the table over there with Olivia. I'm sure you all will be good friends."

"Olivia?" asked Stewie, "Olivia Fuller?!"

"You know her?" asked Tilly.

"An old flame of mine," said Stewie, "Ironically, I thought I sent her up in flames."

"Stewie, I want you and C.J. to sit on the table over there," said Mrs. Lockheart, "I think the boy is named Bertrand."

"Bertrand?" asked Stewie, "For a second there I thought you meant-"

"Well, well, well. We meet again, Stewie," said Bertram.

"Bertram!" said Stewie angrily.

"Oh my god!" said C.J., "Fingerpaint!"

"C.J. did you even pay attention to what I said?" asked Stewie, "I said Bertram in an angry, dramatic tone which should mean something to you. Bertram is my arch rival and half brother, aka YOUR uncle!"

"...Can I have the blue paint," asked C.J.

"Here you go," said Bertram as he handed him the paint.

"Blast!" shouted Stewie.

Now at the girls table, Maddie and Tilly sit across from Olivia. Olivia stops painting and looks at them strangely. Tilly smiles at Olivia, but Maddie has her arms crossed and has a sour look on her face.

"Hello," said Tilly, "I'm Tilly, the new girl. This is my cousin, Maddie. She's here by court order."

"Leave me alone," said Maddie.

"Who said you two could sit by me?" she asked, "Do you even know who I am?"

"Not really," said Tilly, "I'm barely a year old."

"Well, I'll tell you," said Olivia, "I'm Olivia Fuller, former child-"

"Porn star?" asked Maddie.

"..." Olivia just stared at Maddie in disgust, "...Okay, _one_ time that happened and that was against my will! ...I hope you rot in hell Uncle Bob... Anyway, I'm Olivia Fuller, former child actress!"

"Wow, you were an actress?" asked Tilly.

"Yes, and I refuse to socialize with commoners such as yourselves," said Olivia.

"Commoner?" asked Tilly, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means she's a bitch!" said Maddie.

"What did you just say???" asked Olivia irritated.

"I'm sorry. Let me say it again so you can understand," said Maddie, "Yoooooouuuuuve, Your's" / aaaaaarrrrreeeee aaaaaaaaaaa beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetch!"

"MRS. LOCKHEART!!!" shouts Olivia, "MADDIE'S SWEARING!!!"

"Wha-?" asked Maddie. Moments later, she was standing in the corner for a time out, "I f(bleep)ing hate preschool."

"That's another 5 minutes," said Mrs. Lockheart.

"DAMMIT!!!" Maddie screamed.

"And another," said Mrs. Lockheart.

Back to the boys, C.J. was sloppily fingerpainting, while Stewie and Bertram were giving each other a mean stare while fingerpainting.

"Take a look at what I drew," said Stewie holding a piece of paper with a huge red blot on it, "Can you guess what it is? Hmmm? Well as you can clearly see, it is your untimely demise!"

"Well, take a look at mine," said Bertram holding a piece of paper with a brown blot on it, "This happens to be YOUR untimely demise! And you know what else? I took a dump on you to show you that I mean business!"

"How dare you defile my drawn corpse, you red haired cheap imitation!" said Stewie, "You're like a people version of those cheap store brand cereals!"

"I'm better and you know it!" said Bertram, "I should've been the one born to Lois and the fatman! I would've finished Lois the second I was born!"

"...I drew a dog," said C.J., "There's no blood or killing in it, if that's okay with you guys."

"You know what?" said Bertram, "Why are we even arguing?"

"You're right," said Stewie, "There's no point in bickering."

"And that is why tomorrow in the playground, we fight to the death!" said Bertram.

"Agreed!" said Stewie, "We shall fight each other, one on one in a fair fight! No weapons or outside help of any sort!"

"Agreed," said Bertram, "Tomorrow, it's time to D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-DUEL!!!"

Both Stewie and C.J. give Bertram a crazy look Bertram.

"What?" Bertram asked, "I happen to like Yu Gi Oh."

Later that day at the Griffin residence, everybody is in front of the TV having a conversation.

"So how was your first day of preschool?" asked Meg.

"Preschool sucks!" said Maddie, "I spent most of my day in the corner!"

"That's only because you kept cussing," said Tilly.

"I was not cussing!" said Maddie.

"Really?" asked Stewie, "Because I've never heard that many F bombs dropped in 1 minute."

"It's not cussing!" said Maddie, "It's called creative language!"

"Maddie, I thought we agreed that you wouldn't curse again," said Meg.

"Well, you'd curse too if you met Olivia Fullofcrap," said Maddie, "Mom, how do I deal with jerks?"

"Well-"

"Wait, why am I asking you?" said Maddie, "Dad, how do I deal with jerks?"

"I try to ignore them," said Zack, "But it doesn't always work. Especially if the jerk in question is an idiot."

**Flashback**

Peter is in the living room, sitting next to Zack reading a magazine.

"Hey Zack, look at this comic," said Peter.

Zack ignores him.

"I said look at this," said Peter, "It's really funny."

Zack continues to ignore.

"Zack are you listening?" asked Peter, "Can you hear me?"

Zack continues to ignore Peter.

"I SAID CAN YOU HEAR ME?!?!?" shouts Peter, "I WANT YOU TO SEE THIS FUNNY COMIC!!!"

Zack continues to ignore Peter. Peter grabs Zack by the head and slams his face repeatedly into the comic book that's on the ground.

"OWW WHAT THE HELL, MAN?!?!" shouts Zack.

"IT'S REALLY FUNNY!!!" shouts Peter, "YOU SEE, JUGHEAD'S GONNA EAT ALL THE HAMBURGERS!!!"

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID COMIC!!! LEGGO!!! OWWW!!!" shouts Zack as Peter slams his face again.

**End Flashback.**

"Maddie, what you should do is get into a fight with this kid," said Peter, "Don't let her push you around. A good shovel to the face should do the trick."

"That's a great idea!" said Maddie.

"No, that's a horrible idea," said Lois, "What you should do is talk to her. I'm sure you two can reach an understanding."

"I guess I could try that," said Maddie, "Mom, can you drive me to Olivia's house?"

"Okay," said Meg, "Just let me get your father's keys."

A half hour later, Meg and Maddie return home covered in egg, looking pissed.

"Try talking to her!" said Maddie in a mock Lois voice, "I'm sure you'll reach an understanding! Why the hell is she even a parent?!?"

"I often wonder that myself," said Meg.

Meanwhile upstairs, Stewie is doing pushups while C.J. is sitting on his back reading a comic book.

"Dude, are you sure you wanna do this fight to the death thing?" asked C.J., "I mean you have the rest of your life to look forward to. All 25 years?"

"25?" asked Stewie.

"Yeah, because everything will give you cancer by then," said C.J.

"Of course I have to go through with this," said Stewie, "If I didn't, then what kind of man would I be?"

"...Cher?" asked C.J.

"WHOA!" said Stewie in surprise, "What the hell, man?!?!"

"Hey, I was just saying the first thing that came to my head," said C.J.

"Yeah, but Cher?!?! Don't even joke like that! Don't you dare compare me to her ever again!"

"Sheesh," said C.J., "What crawled up your diaper and died?"

The next day, Maddie, Stewie, C.J. and Tilly are dropped off at Preschool by Lois.

"Now all four of you be good," said Lois, "And give me that hand grenade, Madeline!"

"But I NEED it!" complained Maddie as Lois snatched it away from her.

Lois then drives off in her car, leaving the kids standing in front of the preschool. They all walk into the classroom and take their seats.

"Maddie, you should forget about Olivia," said Tilly.

"But did ou hear what she called us yesterday?" asked Maddie, "I refuse to be called a commoner! Somebody has to put her in her place!"

"I'm sure if we act nice to her, she'll be nice to us," said Tilly.

Olivia walks into the classroom and is about to sit in her seat, but notices that Maddie and Tilly are sitting at the table.

"Um, excuse me," said Olivia, "But you're both sitting at _my_ table. I told you that I wil not sit with commoners."

"This isn't your table," said Tilly, "We have to share this table. Besides, there's plenty of room for all of us."

"MRS. LOCKHEART!!!" shouts Olivia, "MADDIE AND TILLY SHOT THE BIRD AT ME!!!"

A few moments later, Maddie and Tilly are standing in the corner for a time out, while Olivia makes a raspberry at them.

"I still f(bleep)ing hate preschool," said Maddie.

"Okay, that's 10 minutes," said Mrs. Lockheart.

"Maddie, that whore's going down," muttered Tilly.

Later during recess in the playground, Stewie and Bertram walk up to each other, face to face. All the other small children watched on including Tilly, Maddie, C.J. and Olivia.

"No weapons as we agreed upon?" asked Stewie.

"No weapons," said Bertram, "Remember, this is a no holds barred fight to the death."

"Stewie, don't do this!" said Tilly.

"You be quiet!" said Stewie, "This is a guy thing!"

"Boys..." Tilly sighed, "Why must they always kill each other over the smallest things?"

Stewie and Bertram both get into a karate stance. They leap into the air making ridiculous karate noises and then land inches away from each other. They begin to fight each other in the martial arts, punching, kicking and dodging each other. Bertram pushes Stewie to the ground and continually punches him. Stewie throws Bertram off and they start rolling around. Stewie then starts banging Bertram's head against the concrete floor, but Bertram grabs Stewie and throws him into the metal bars of the jungle gym. Bertram runs towards Stewie with his fist out, but Stewie moves away at the last second, making Bertram hurt his hand.

"JESUS CHRIST, THAT HURTS!!! You know what? Screw this" shouts Bertram as he pulls out a ray gun and starts shooting at Stewie.

Stewie, however dodges the gun and pulls out his own shooting at Bertram.

"So much for fair play," said Maddie, "...As if I knew this wouldn't happen."

They keep firing their lasers at each other while the other kids are running around in fear and panic. Stewie backs up a little while firing, but is then grabbed from behind by Olivia.

"What the deuce?!?!" asked Stewie is surprise as she grabbed his arms.

"This is payback, Stewie!" said Olivia, "You left me to die in that cardboard house! Do you have any idea how much plastic surgery I needed after that? Bertram, shoot him!"

Bertram raises his gun for the kill, but is then shoulder blocked by C.J. which makes Bertram lose grip of his gun while falling. Tilly and Maddie tackle Olivia and begin to beat her up. Bertram tries to get his gun back, but C.J. and Stewie dogpile on him. They all then go into an all out brawl. After school in the classroom, all 6 children(who are all bruised up) are being scolded by their parents.

"Maddie, we're very disappointed in you!" said Meg, "How can you get into a fight like that?"

"Yeah, how could you?" said Zack, "You didn't even tear her hair off!"

"I'm sorry..." said Maddie.

"I want you to apologize to Olivia, right now," said Meg.

"Fine..." said Maddie as she rolled her eyes and walked to Olivia, "I'm sorry, Olivia."

"I'm sorry too," said Olivia.

"So, you think we can be friends?" asked Maddie.

"Hell no!" said Olivia, "You're still a commoner!"

Maddie and Olivia start fighting again. Rolling around, biting and kicking each other.

"Olivia!" said her mother, "You get your little disease ridden harlot off my Olivia!"

"Hey! Nobody calls my daughter a disease ridden harlot!" said Zack as he hits Olivia's mom with a chair. Meg and Zack then jump Olivia's parents and get into a fight.

"Go Olivia!" said Bertram.

"That's my neice you're rooting against!" said Stewie as he and Bertram got into another fight.

"Stewie!" said Lois.

"You really need to put that kid on a leash," said one of Bertram's mothers.

"Hey, your kid started it you stupid lesbo!" said Peter.

Peter, Lois, and Bertram's two moms get into a huge fight also.

"People, stop!" said Mrs. Lockheart, "Chris, do something about your parents!"

"How dare you talk to my ooky like that!" said Jillian.

"But all I said was-" said Mrs. Lockheart before getting hit with a vase, "YOU'RE GOING DOWN, BITCH!!!"

Jillian and Mrs. Lockheart get into a catfight with Chris staring on.

"This is hot," said Chris.

"I think we'll wait in the car," said Tilly as she and her brother left the room.

Sometime later that week at night, the family is in the living room watching TV once again.

"I have great news, Maddie," said Meg, "I got a letter saying that your community service is done."

"That means you don't have to go to preschool anymore," said Zack.

"Really?" asked Maddie, "Well can I go anyway?"

"Wait, you WANT to go to preschool?" asked Lois.

"Yeah," said Maddie, "I had so much fun during my week."

"You just wanna torture Olivia, don't you?" asked Peter.

"Yeah..." said Maddie.

"Sure, you can still go," said Zack.

"Yes!" said Maddie, "And monday is show and tell day. And I've got the perfect thing to bring," she says as she opens a shoebox only to find it empty, "Hey, where'd it go?"

"You know, the strangest thing happened," said Brian as he walked into the room, "I was sitting in the kitchen when I saw a lizard run by. My natural instincts kicked in and I barked at in, then ate it. It tasted good."

"Did the lizard have red spots on it?" asked Maddie.

"As a mater of fact, it did," said Brian.

"That was my Show and Tell item," said Maddie, "That lizard's poisonous when eaten."

"I see..." said Brian as he calmly walked to the phone and dialed, "Hello hospital? Yeah, you're not gonna believe who it is this time. Yeah, for once it's NOT for Peter."

**End Chapter. **


	41. Talentless Show

**Chapter 41: Talentless Show**

** (Fun fact: Zack's appearance is based on Jay from "Clerks" although Zack's personality and occupation is much different.)  
**

The entire family is sitting in the living room watching TV. Suddenly a movie commercial comes on the TV.

**Cutaway to TV**

(A/N: The italics indicate the manly narrator voice you always hear on movies.)

_In a world where ninjas live only in Japan... One group stands alone... Theses ninja's live on the streets. They are not ordinary ninjas... They're Ninjaz In Da Hood..._

From out of the shadows step a bunch of ninjas dressed in black wearing bling bling and all that other hip hop stuff with their ninja gear.

"I'm finsta bust a shuriken in yo ass, boy!" said one of the ninjaz.

_These ninjaz don't play..._

A ninja dressed in white walks down the neighborhood, when the black ninjaz suddenly surround him.

"Howdy, fellow ninjas," said white ninja.

"What the hell you be doin bringin yo white ass in our hood?" said one of the black ninja.

"Look it's cool," said the White ninja doing the worst ebonics ever heard, "I'm down with that. I just wanna chill in your hood, you know what I am saying?"

The black ninjaz then proceed to beat the living hell out of the white ninja.

_Coming Soon, to a theater near you._

**End Cutaway.**

"Those black ninjaz are so full of themselves," said Peter.

"Well can you blame them?" said Zack, "They've been through a lot of oppression by those self righteous white ninjas. They always label and stereotype them. If anybody's full of themselves, it's the white ninjas."

"Yeah, but those black ninjaz can't just that to the white ninja," said Peter, "He just walked into their neighborhood. He didn't do anything wrong."

"Yeah? Well what about the white ninjas?" asked Zack, "When a black ninja walks into a white ninja's neighborhood, all hell breaks loose. Those white ninjas need to show less prejudice to the black ninjaz!"

"Wow," said Maddie, "That movie has some deep racial undertones."

"Who's talking about race?" asked Zack.

"Yeah. We're talking about ninjas," said Peter.

"Guess what?" said Meg as she walked into the room.

"You're moving away?" asked Peter.

Zack then slaps Peter in the back of the head.

"Hey, I thought you wouldn't hit me anymore!" said Peter.

"Sorry," said Zack, "I just read the latest chapter of "Sequel of Epic Proportions". I'm a little miffed right now."

(A/N: No offense to anybody who likes that story.)

"No, there's going to be a talent show at the Quahog theatre," said Meg.

"Really?" asked Lois, "What are you going to do for the show?"

"...I dunno," said Meg, "I just wanted to sound important."

"Zack and I signed up for the show," said Peter.

"We're gonna ride do a Motorcycle Globe act," said Zack.

"Really? That sounds awesome!" said Chris.

"The Motorcycle Golbe of Death?!?!" asked Jillian, "Our uncle tried that trick and he was killed. Zack you can't do it! This is madness!"

"...Madness?" asked Zack, "THIS... IS... MURDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK!!!!"

"Yeah, we watched 300 last night," said Peter.

"What about you, Maddie?" asked Lois.

"Me, Stewie, C.J. and Tilly are gonna sing," said Maddie, "In fact, we're suppose to be rehearsing right now!"

Maddie then quickly runs to the garage where all the other babies are waiting for her, holding their instruments. Stewie is holding a guitar, Tilly is holding the bass, C.J. is on the drums and Maddie is the lead singer.

"Okay, let's take it from the top," said Maddie, "I want us to do a song parody. I was thinking we could change the lyrics from "From behind these empty walls" to "All you've got are empty balls"."

"A song parody?" asked Stewie, "Oh that's just as bad as stealing the actual lyrics!"

"Worse even" said Tilly, "It's like taking a dump on a good cake."

"Why can't we just write our own song?" asked C.J.

"Because I can't write a musical number to save my life!" said Maddie, "Now, let's take it from the top!"

"I refuse to do a song parody! It's just too lazy!" said Stewie.

"You're going to play it!" said Maddie, "I formed this band! You'll do as I say!"

"Maddie, you're acting bossy," said Tilly.

"I AM**NOT** BOSSY!!!" shouted Maddie.

"Can I do a drum solo?" asked C.J.

"NO YOU CAN NOT DO A DRUM SOLO!!!" shouted Maddie, "WE'RE GONNA PLAY THE SONG PARODY AND THAT'S FINAL!!!"

"Why the hell am I even in this band anyway?!?" said Stewie angrily as he was leaving.

"You get your football headed ass back here!!!" shouted Maddie.

"I shall do no such thing!" shouted Stewie, "I quit! I'm going to pursue my dreams of being an actor! That's what I'll do in the talent show!"

"FINE!!! Go be a stupid actor wearing puffy pant, feathers and a bunch of other stuff that show off your HOMOSEXUALITY!!!" shouted Maddie to the top of her lungs, "We DON'T need you!"

"Actually, we did," said Tilly, "He was the lead guitarist."

"Shut up! Nobody said you could speak!" said Maddie.

"If that's the way you're gonna act, fine! Being yelled at and insulted isn't any fun!" said Tilly as she threw her bass down, "I quit!"

"Fine! You'll stay, right C.J.?" asked Maddie.

"You wouldn't let me do a drum solo!" said C.J. as he angrily threw his drum sticks down and walked away.

"FINE!!! GO, YOU BUNCH OF STUPID LILY LIVERED TURD FACED BIGFOOT OFFSPRINGS!!!" shouted Maddie.

The other kids heard this and came running back into the garage.

"Whoops..." said Maddie meekly.

(The following scene somehow went missing when I wrote this. However, the sounds of fighting and Maddie screaming in pain are still present.)

Maddie comes into the room, bruised up stuck in a drum and with drumsticks shoved in each ear.

"Maddie!" said Meg in concern, "What happened?"

"This all started because of Stewie and his stupid me me me attitude!" said Maddie, "He broke up my band!"

"Are you sure it wasn't because you were bossy?" asked Peter.

"I am NOT bossy!" said Maddie, "Now get me a juicebox, stupid!"

Everybody then stares at Maddie for the remark she had just made. Maddie stares back for a moment and then hangs her head in shame.

"No wonder they all left," said Maddie as she began to weep, "I AM bossy. Nobody wants to join me in the talent show."

"That's not true," said Meg as she knelt down to Maddie and wiped the tears from her daughter's cheeks, "How about I be your partner for the talent show?"

"You will?" asked Maddie, "Thanks, mommy."

"Meg is your partner?" asked Peter, "You are SO screwed, Maddie."

"What are you talking about?" asked Zack, "Meg can do lots of things! She can... Well she... Um, she... Oh I got one! She does this awesome thing with her mouth! She... Wait, that's not age appropriate. Well, I love her and that's all that counts!"

"Even YOU think I'm talentless?!?!" asked Meg irritated, "You married a talentless girl?!?!"

"Umm... You see... Uh... Peter, let's practice those bike moves, RIGHT NOW!!!" said Zack nervously as he ran from the room.

"I hate to say it, but I think your father's right," said Lois.

"Well, he's wrong!" said Maddie, "My mom does have a talent and I'm going to help her find it!"

Later upstairs in Meg's room, Maddie and Meg are sitting on the bed trying to figure out something for Meg to do.

"There's gotta be something you can do!" said Maddie, "Otherwise, dad wouldn't keep you."

"Well... I can do bird calls," said Meg, "I don't think I've ever shown you."

"Really?" asked Maddie, "Why doesn't dad know about this?"

"Your dad... he hates birds," said Meg.

**Flashback.**

A really long time ago before Maddie was even conceived, the family are in the park. Zack is sitting on a bench, feeding bread crumbs to birds. He then takes out a sandwich and as he is about to eat it, a bird swoops in and takes it.

"HEY!" shouts Zack as he grabs a stone and nails the bird with it, "HAHAHAHA!!!" laughed Zack pointing at it.

Suddenly a HUGE muscular man sized pigeon walks up to Zack. He then beats the crap out of Zack and throws him to the ground. The bird then walks up to Zack's mangled body, turns his back on him and squats.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" shouts Zack as the screen then fades to blacks.

**End Flashback.**

"Can I see you do it?" asked Maddie.

"I guess so," said Meg as she made a few whistles. A few pigeons flew into the room and sat on Meg's shoulder.

"Wow! That's so cool!" said Maddie, "We can train birds for the talent show! Do another!"

Meg whistles again and a few more pigeons fly into the room, sitting on the bed. One then poops in Maddie's hair.

"Hey! I don't go S(bleep)ting on YOUR head!" shouted Maddie as she tried to shoo the bird away. The pigeon then starts pecking on Maddie's head.

"Hey! Cut that out!" said Meg as she tried to call the bird away. The birds then begin to attack Meg and Maddie leaving them covered in feathers and bird poo as they all flew out the window. Meg quickly closes said window.

"I hate birds!" said Maddie as she looked down and found a CD case, "Hey, what's this?"

"Oh, that?" asked Meg, "I thought I threw this away."

"What is it?" asked Maddie.

"It's just a CD of when we were a band," said Meg.

"Can I hear it?" asked Maddie.

Meg then pops in the CD and they listen to when Meg was singing "Buy Me A Rainbow". Maddie bops her head to the music and smiles.

"Wow, you were good!" said Maddie.

"I guess I wasn't too bad, wasn't I?" asked Meg.

"Hey, THAT'S what we can do!" said Maddie, "We can sing for the talent show!"

"Sing?" asked Meg, "Nobody wants to hear me sing."

"But you have a GREAT singing voice!" said Maddie, "I want the town to hear that Meg Griffin-Murdock can sing!"

"You think I can do it?" asked Meg.

"Yeah," said Maddie, "If crappy singers like Justin Timberlake and Cher can get fans, why can't you?"

Later in the garage, Maddie, Meg, and Brian are setting things up. Brian then sits in front of an electric keyboard

"Thanks for helping us practice," said Maddie.

"Don't mention it," said Brian, "Okay so what song do you want me to play? Living La Viva Loca? Another One Bites The Dust? Iron Man? The Super Mario Bros. theme song?"

"We need something that's not copywritten," said Maddie, "Remember, FF dot net won't allow real songs. How about, Hush little baby?"

"Oh..." said Brian disappointed, "Are you sure you don't me to play the Mario song."

"We're sure," said Meg.

"Okay," said Brian as he's about to play, "...You know, I've been practicing the song all week."

"You can play it later," said Maddie.

"Okay," said Brian as he was about to play again, "...I could just play it now."

"Brian, just play Hush Little Baby," said Meg.

"Alright," said Brian as he was about to play again, "...You know, we could just make up lyrics."

"BRIAN!" shouted Maddie.

"Okay, okay!" said Brian as he played the song.

_"Hush little baby, don't say a word. Mama's gonna buy you a mocking bird,"_sang Meg, beautifully.

_"And if that mocking bird don't sing, mama please buy me a diamond ring,"_ sand Maddie.

_"But if that diamond ring don't si-"_ Meg sang before she was interrupted by Brian who began playing the Super Mario theme song.

"Brian!" said Maddie.

"Sorry," said Brian, "Couldn't resist."

"So what did you think?" asked Meg.

"You sounded great, mom," said Maddie.

"Really?" asked Meg.

"Sure!" said Maddie, "With a voice like that, we could win the talent show!"

Meg and Maddie then hug each other. Brian then continues playing the Mario song.

"You're still playing?" asked Meg.

"I spent a whole week practicing," said Brian, "I'm not letting it go to waste!"

Later in the living room, the family, except for Meg and Zack, are sitting in the living room again.

"You won't believe it, but I found mom's talent!" said Maddie.

"AHAHAHAHA! Oh, quit joking around," laughed Peter.

"No, really," said Maddie, "Mom can sing!"

"AHAHAHAHA Maddie, don't be mean to your mother," laughed Lois.

"But she CAN sing and you know it!" said Maddie, "Don't tell me you don't remember when you were in the band!"

"Wait, that was Meg?" asked Lois.

"It couldn't be," said Peter, "She had blonde hair, and didn't wear those stupid glasses and condom hat."

"Well she's a better singer than YOU!" said Maddie pointing to Peter, "I have never met anybody who could take a song and butcher it like you."

"Hey!" complained Peter, "Anybody remember when I sang Don't Stop Believing by Journey?"

"He's got a point, Maddie," said Brian, "He had help killing that song."

Suddenly, Zack walks in through the front door holding a few bags.

"We're back," said Zack.

"Where's mom?" asked Maddie.

"Right here," said Meg as she walked in. She looked exactly as she did when she got that makeover in "Don't Make Me Over".

"Mom?" asked Maddie in confusion.

"What do you think?" asked Meg, "Your dad paid for the makeover. I was thinking that we could wear matching outfits for the talent show. You can be like a mini-me."

"I love it!" said Maddie as she hugged Meg.

"You got the makeover again?" asked Lois.

"Mom, I want to look my best for the talent show," said Meg.

"Excuse, me," said Peter, "I was kinda wondering... would you like to be our daughter? Our old one is all raggedy and junky and we'd like to get rid of her. You get to be this guy's wife."

"I'm still Meg, you fat bastard!" said Meg angrily.

"Oh crap!" said Peter, "Please don't hurt me, Zack!"

"Sorry, you guys say something?" asked Zack as he was picking his ears, "A bug crawled up my ear."

The next day at James Wood High, Meg is walking down the hallway carrying her books. She's then spotted by Connie D'Amico and the other popular kids.

"Meg Griffin? Is that you?" asked Connie.

"Yeah... I just got another makeover," said Meg, "It's for the talent show. My daughter and I are going to sing."

"Well, we think you look cool," said Connie, "You wanna hang out with us after school at the mall and make fun of Hot Topic goers?"

"Really? You want me to hang with you guys?" asked Meg, "Wait, I can't. Maddie and I are suppose to rehearse when I get home."

"C'mon," said Connie, "It'll be fun."

"Well... I guess she won't mind if I'm a little late," said Meg as she walked off with the other kids.

Meanwhile at home, Maddie is in the garage in a smaller version of Meg's "makeover" outfit waiting for her mother to come back from school. Zack and Peter walk into the garage.

"Dad, it's been 3 hours," said Maddie, "Where is she? Do you think she forgot?"

"Of course not!" said Zack, "Your mother would never forget about you."

"Your dad's right," said Peter, "She didn't forget... She's just dead. Is all."

"What?!?!" asked Maddie with a horrified look on her face.

"Nice..." said Zack, "You scared the kid."

"Hey, all I'm just saying is that she probably got killed in a horrible car accident," said Peter.

"MOMMY!!! I WANT MY MOMMY!!!" Maddie began to sob loudly.

"And now you got her crying!" said Zack, "What else are gonna tell her? That her soul is burning in hell?!?!"

"NO!!!" sobbed Maddie, "SHE WASN'T EVEN GOOD ENOUGH FOR HEAVEN!!! WHY?!?!"

"Now look what you did!" said Peter, "You sir, have got to be the worst father in history! How could you scare your own child with talk about her mother burning in hell and-"

"Shut up, Peter," said Zack.

Meg then walks into the garage, and Maddie runs up to her and hugs her tightly while bawling.

"Mommy! You're alive!" said Maddie.

"What's going on here?" asked Meg.

"It's better that you don't know," said Peter.

"Anyway, where we you?" asked Zack, "Maddie's been sitting here for 3 hour waiting for you!"

"Oh my god!" said Meg, "I totally forgot about the rehearsal! I'm SO sorry, Maddie!"

"Well, at least you're here," said Maddie, "We can still practice."

"Sorry," said Meg, "But I'm going to McDonald's with my new friends. How about we practice tomorrow?"

"I guess..." said Maddie, "You promise?"

"I promise," said Meg.

**1 week later...**

"So has your mom practiced with you, yet?" asked Brian.

"No!" said Maddie annoyed, "I've been practicing with grandma all week!"

**Flashback**

Lois is in the garage singing very loudly with her shrill, nasally voice while Maddie is covering her ears.

"WE BUILT THIS CITY, WE BUILT THIS CITY ON ROCK AND ROLL!!! SAY YOU DON'T KNOW ME OR-"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST STOP!!!" screamed Maddie, "IT'S LIKE HEARING SCREAMING CATS SCRATCHING AGAINST A CHALKBOARD WHILE THEY'RE BEING MUTILATED BY SCREAMING SCOTSMEN WHO ARE SOMEHOW ALSO PLAYING THE BAGPIPES OFFKEY!!!"

"It's okay," said Lois, "It doesn't even matter if you're a good singer, nowadays. Who needs talent to win when all you need to do is look sexy on stage? What's why I'm wearing this!"

Lois shows Maddie a black bikini and thong. Maddie's eye begins to twitch.

**End Flashback.**

"I still can't get the image of grandma in a thong out of my head," said Maddie, "So anyway, why didn't you help at practice?"

"...I was too busy helping Stewie with his acting," said Brian bitterly as Stewie walked into the room.

"Wasn't it fun how you helped me acted?" asked Stewie, "Just the two of us men acting around and all that jolly fun. I'm sure you didn't miss anything interesting that those women were doing. Anyway, Brian and I wore puffy pants. What was Lois wearing? I'll be she wasn't wearing puffy pants."

"NO! SHE WASN'T!" Sobbed Brian as he ran away.

Later at night, under the bleachers in the football field of James Wood High, Meg is hanging out with the cool kids, smoking. Maddie then walks in looking angry.

"Maddie? What are you doing here?" asked Meg.

"Mom! We were suppose to practice for the talent show," said Maddie, "A. WHOLE. WEEK. AGO!"

"Oh," said Meg, "...We'll practice tomorrow."

"The talent show's tomorrow!" said Maddie, "I've been practicing with Fran Dresher all week! Mom, I NEED you right now!"

"Ugh," said Connie, "Whiny little kids are NOT cool. Make her go away!"

"Maddie, just go," said Meg.

"But what about the talent show?" asked Maddie.

"Forget the talent show," said Meg, "I can take you out for ice cream, instead."

"I don't believe you!" said Maddie, "You'll put those creeps before your own daughter's happiness?!?! We were suppose to be in the talent show together!"

"Maddie, they are NOT creeps," said Meg, "They're my friends, now."

"You could've fooled me," said Maddie, "They weren't your friends before you got that makeover. They only like you for your looks."

"Maddie stop."

"Aren't they the same people who made fun of you, spat on you, called you fat, and-"

"MADDIE, JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!" shouted Meg, "I'M HANGING WITH MY FRIENDS SO JUST GO HOME ALREADY!!!"

Maddie looked at Meg in shock. She had never yelled at her like that before and it scared Maddie a lot.

"But mom, I-"

"NO! JUST GET OUT, OKAY?!?! JUST GO HOME!!!"

Maddie began to whimper as tears escaped her eyes. She then cried loudly and ran away.

"That was awesome," said Connie, "It's about time the little brat left."

"...What have I done?..." Meg asked herself.

The very next night at the Quahog theatre, the talent show was beginning. Adam West walked on stage to the huge crowd who began to cheer.

"Thank you. Thank you. You're too kind. Thank you. No, thank YOU," said Adam West even though the crowd stopped cheering a few minutes ago, "Thank you... Thank you... Thank you. Welcome to the Quahog talent show where all you Quahogians show your talents. Now as you know, all the proceeds do go to charity."

"I'm not happy, though," said Charity Bazaar in the audience.

(A/N: LOL at Histeria reference.)

"Anyway, our first contestant for the show is Stewie Griffin," said Adam west, "He is going to re enact the Hamlet's soliloquy."

Stewie then walks onstage wearing one of those stupid Shakespearian outfits with the puffy pants while holding a skull in one hand. Stewie then clears his throat and begins to speak.

"To be, or not to be," said Stewie, "That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against the sea of trouble and by opposing end them. To die, to sleep-"

"TO BE BORING!!!" shouted an audience member.

"THIS STINKS!!!" shouted another.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" asked Stewie angrily, "This is first class acting here!"

"DO SOMETHING FUNNY!!!" shouted one member of the audience.

"MAKE A FART JOKE!!!" shouted another.

"SAY SOMETHING ABOUT POO!!!" shouted another.

"I'll do no such thing!" shouted Stewie to them, "I refuse to bring myself to make toilet humor! I worked too damn hard for this soliloquy and I won't let you savages dumb it down! This damn skull wasn't easy to obtain! IT'S REAL! IT'S A F(bleep)ING REAL HUMAN SKULL! NOW SIT DOWN, SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO MY SOLILOQUY!!!"

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" shouted the audience as they threw tomatoes at Stewie.

I HATE Hamlet!" shouted Adam West as he threw a tomato at Stewie, "It's not even about a talking pig!"

"...You savages will rue the day you pelted Stewart Gilligan Griffin with ripe fruit," said Stewie as he walked off stage.

"I apologizes for that boring act from the boy in the puffy pants," said Adam West.

"It's a real shame, too," said Herbert in the audience, "He look gooooooooood in 'em. Bunch of ingrates..."

"Coming up next is something much more promising," said Adam West, "Peter Griffin and Zack Murdock will perform... the Motorcycle Globe of DEATH act!"

The curtains rise with Peter and Zack already in the metal globe. They rev up their engines and speed off going in loops and circles while the song _10 in 2010 by Bad Religion_ plays. The audience looks on in awe. Peter almost hits Zack with his bike.

"Hey watch it!" shouted Zack, "You almost hit me!"

"No, YOU almost hit ME!" shouted Peter.

"Dude, you're going too damn fast!" shouted Zack.

"Well you're going too damn slow!" shouted Peter.

Peter narrowly misses Zack.

"Pay attention to what you're doing!" shouted Peter.

"Hey, I'm doing what I'm suppose to do!" shouted Zack, "Maybe if SOMEBODY had actually paid attention during practice instead of drawing boobs all over his bike-!"

"Oh, it's easy to criticize me!" shouted Peter, "Maybe I would pay attention if somebody would stop bitching about everything I did!"

"I was not bitching!" shouted Zack.

"You're a bigger bitch than your hippy mom!" shouted Peter.

"THAT'S IT!! YOU'RE GOING DOWN, FATTY!" shouted Zack.

He and Peter starting moving their bikes closer to each other with every loop they made. They finally collide and a HUGE explosion comes from within the globe, which breaks apart from said explosion. Peter and Zack are then rolling around in agony, on fire. Paramedics quickly some onto the stage, grab their bikes and walk off stage. Adam West runs on stage and uses a fire extinguisher on Zack and Peter.

"Let's give it up for these two idiots," said Adam West as a few of the audience members were clapping.

Backstage, Maddie is sitting with Brian waiting for her turn.

"Are you sure you wanna do this?" asked Brian, "You could just quit."

"I'm going to," said Maddie, "Besides, I can't be any worse than the other so called talent."

Back on stage, Quagmire and Cleveland are about to try a magic trick. Quagmire puts Cleveland in a box.

"For my next trick," said Quagmire, "I will penetrate Cleveland with my sword!"

"Oh hell no!" shouted Cleveland as he got up and ran away, "You stay the hell away from me!"

"Oh c'mon!" shouted Quagmire as he chased after him, "It won't hurt! Why do you gotta be like that?"

Backstage again...

"You can't do this by yourself," said Brian.

"Why not?" asked Maddie sadly, "It's obvious I can't hold a partner."

"Because the song needs two," said Meg who walked in. She still had her makeover look on, btw.

"Mom?" asked Maddie.

"Maddie, I'm sorry," said Meg as she hugged her daughter and cried, "I didn't mean to yell at you like that. I don't know what came over me."

"Beauty, popularity, and the fact that you were being treated like a real person by everyone else," said Maddie.

"Anyway, will you ever forgive me?" asked Meg.

"I dunno..." said Maddie, "You never did show up for rehearsal for a week. And I'm the only one who knows the words to the sing, so I'm basically carrying YOUR weight."

"Fine. What do you want?" asked Meg.

"A Wii for my birthday," said Maddie.

"Fine," said Meg, "But I'm making your father get it from the store. I don't want to lose an eyeball over a gaming console."

"WHY HAVEN'T YOU SENT FOR HELP?!?!" shouted Zack as he and Peter were still sprawled on stage, injured.

"So how about it, Maddie?" asked Meg, "You wanna sing _I'm__Walking on Sunshine _together?"

"Yes, mom. Yes I am," said Maddie as she and Meg walked on stage.

Back onstage, Tilly is standing before the audience, singing a song.

"Do you like my pussycat? Wanna touch my pussycat? Wanna eat my pu-"

"THIS ACT IS OVER!" said Adam West as he shoved her offstage, "Sorry about that."

"...Is it okay if answered her questions?" asked Quagmire from backstage.

"NO!" shouted Adam West, "Okay, our next act is Meg and her daughter... Billy who will be singing, _I'm Walking on Sunshine_!

Now due to FF dot net's policy on copying and pasting song lyrics, we have to skip the part of them singing. Yeah you missed the fireworks, the water show, the laser show, and a break dancing Brian. Ah well, you probably wouldn't have liked it anyways. Anyhow, after all the other performances were done, everybody who participated was onstage.

"And now, it's the moment you've all been waiting for," said Adam West, "It's time to announce the winners of the talent show!"

"Keep your fingers crossed," said Meg to Maddie.

"And the winner of the Quahog Talent show is... Olivia Fuller and Connie D'Amico with their cheerleader act!" said Mr. West, "And I can assure you that they won fair and square and that Connie did not bribe the judges with underaged sexual acts. Or they told me."

"Well, we didn't win," said Meg in disappointment, "I guess this feels like a waste of time, huh?"

"Are you kidding?" asked Maddie, "I had fun out there AND we made second place!"

"You're right," said Meg, "Now I finally have a trophy to put in my room! A real trophy too, not that one I got that belongs to Meg Griffith."

"Mom, can you please go back to the way you used to look?" asked Maddie, "I'd rather have the old mom back."

"Don't worry," said Meg, "I'll do it first thing tonight."

"You know, I almost feel sorry for whoever got first place," said Maddie.

"Why?" asked Meg.

Outside the theatre, Connie and Olivia decide to hail a cab. They then step in and the cab drives off.

"Where to?" asked the cab driver.

"Take me home first," said Connie, "Then you can take this girl home."

"Sorry, I can't go there. How about I take you TO OBLIVION INSTEAD?!?!" shouted the cab driver who was now revealed to be Stewie.

"Stewie?!?!" asked Olivia in fear

Stewie grabs their first place trophy and jumps out the window as the car speed off into a wall and explodes.

"VICTORY IS MINE!" shouted Stewie triumphantly.

**End Chapter.**

**(A/N: No, Olivia and Connie are NOT dead. I just though that this ending was perfect for Stewie. Anyways, don't forget to review and tell me what you guys thought of it.)**


	42. Morons for Mayor

**Chapter 42: Morons for Mayor**

(A/N: I have 2 drawings of Maddie up in my deviant Art account. The account name is Victorthebabysitter if you want to look for them.)

The Griffins, The Murdocks, and Jillian where at Wal Mart one day, looking for a new stroller for Jillian's babies.

"I told you," said Jillian, "I don't need a new stroller. The old one is just fine."

"No, Jillian," said Lois, "We insist that you get a new stroller. We'll even pay for it. Besides, the old stroller is nothing but a deathtrap."

Meanwhile in the backyard of the Griffin home, a twin stroller is sitting innocently on the grass. A squirrel climbs from a tree and onto the stroller which causes the stroller to burst into flames. Seconds later, the stroller and squirrel explodes. Now back to Wal Mart, Stewie and Brian are looking at TVs with a salesclerk.

"With High Definition technology you can see and do all the things couldn't see on normal TVs," said the salesclerk.

"Like counting all the the wrinkles on Nancy Grace's face?" said Brian.

"Exactly," said the clerk, "And you can do it with all the Japanese brand names on TVs seen here, just like all the Japanese electronics in this store, made by japanese brands such as Sony, Toshiba, Samsung, and all the other Japanese manufacturers."

"Well, don't you have _anything_ that's American made here? I mean, this is your country after all!" said Stewie.

"...Get out," said the clerk.

Stewie and Brian make it back to the others picking out the new stroller.

"Here's one," said Meg, "And it's on sale for $99."

"No, that's no good. Now what you need is this!" said Peter pointing to a technologically advanced stroller, "The stroll master 5000! Check it out! It can play lullabies, walk the kids by itself, bottlefeed them, the works!"

"I don't know, Peter," said Lois, "It looks very unsafe."

"C'mon, Lois," said Peter, "This thing is fool proof!"

As Peter pats his hand on the Stroll Master 500, rocket jets appear from behind it and it zooms off, crashing into a wall all smashed up.

"Unfortunately, it's not Peter proof," said Brian.

"Oh well. I've done stupider," said Peter.

**Flashback.**

Peter is on the street on a motorcycle with the entire family watching him.

"Okay, here's what I'm going to do," said Peter, "I'm gonna jump that ramp over a tank of sharks, some burning cars, a huge pile of broken glass, a cage of man eating lions, and a pile of bear traps, all to honor the name of Evil Kenevil, may he rest in peace."

"Peter, that looks dangerous," said Lois.

"It's perfectly safe," said Peter, "Watch."

Peter then revs up his motorcyle, and as he moves a few inches the bike trips over a rock, flips over in mid air and explodes when it hits the ground. Peter is on the ground twisted up, bloodied and bruised.

"OH MY GOD!!! PETER!!!" screamed Lois.

"AAAAAHHHHH!!!! OOOOOOWWWWW!!!!" screamed Peter as he was crying.

Holy crap! Peter, you okay?!?!" asked Zack.

"OH GOD... CALL AN AMBULANCE!!!" shouted Peter.

**End Flashback.**

The family is then at the checkout line ready to pay for Jillian's new stroller.

"Remember when we bought Maddie's stroller?" asked Meg.

"Yeah, it was at a garage sale," said Zack, "We got it at a bargain too. It was only $50."

"I wonder why we got it so cheap?" asked Meg.

"I once found a finger in there," said Maddie.

The salesclerk then scans the stroller and types in the transactions.

"Okay, Mr. Griffin," said the clerk, "Your total comes to... $198."

"$198 dollars?!?!" asked Peter, "But it's on sale for $99."

"Let me see that reciept," said Zack as he took a look, "A 100 sales tax?!?! This is highway robbery!"

"Sorry, sir, but it's the new sales tax law," said the clerk.

"Now listen... Bill," said Zack as he read the name tag, "If you had any respect for your customers, you'd remove that sales tax."

"Sir, we are Wal Mart," said Bill, "We don't give a damn about the customers. Just their money. Secondly, you should be taking this up with the mayor."

"Then that's where we'll go!" said Zack.

"Quickly, Zack!" said Peter, "To the mayor's office!"

In a scene transition, the background is spinning rapidly while the words "Family Guy" zooms in and out in Batman style fashion. At the mayor's office in city hall, Peter and Zack walk pass the female secretary and are about to open the door.

"Sirs, you can't go in there!" said the secretary.

"Try and stop us!" said Peter as he and Zack walk into the room. They can then be heard screaming loudly and they quickly walk out, looking burnt with their hairs all puffy.

"That was the electric room," said the Secretary, "Mayor West's office is the other door."

"Thanks," said Zack as he and Peter rearranged their hair and walked in. They saw that Adam West was sitting in his desk, writing something that seemed very important.

"And because of such an injustice," said Mr. West, "I wish to cancel my subscription to Playboy. There are just too many naked women in the magazine. I read the magazine for the articles and don't laugh at me this time!"

"Um, Mr. West?" asked Zack, "There's something that my friend and I would like to discuss with you."

"Well of course," said Adam West, "What can I do for you?"

"It's about the sales tax hike," said Peter, "We don't think it's fair to make us pay 100 extra for purchased items. I mean, I tried to buy a bag of chips on the way here and they charged me $15. 15 freakin dollars."

"Peter, that wasn't the sales tax," said Zack, "The store was run by crooked foreigners, like most convenient stores. I know from experience."

"Gentlemen, I can assure that the sales tax hike was completely neccesary," said Adam, "The money from the sales tax is going to a just cause."

"Really?" asked Peter, "Well that sounds good."

"Mr. West," said an intern, "You almost have enough money for that solid gold car. You know, the one that the sales taxes are paying?"

"I thought you said it was for a good cause," said Zack.

"It is!" said Adam, "I get a solid gold limo and you people get to watch me ride a solid gold limo! Everybody loves the way gold looks, therefore everybody wins!"

"This is a blatant waste of taxpayers' money!" said Zack, "Which is why I've never payed mine!"

"I'm sorry," said Adam, "But as long as I'm mayor, the tax stays and I'm going to be mayor for a loooooong time because I love being mayor. Almost as much as I love taffy."

"Well you can kiss being mayor and your taffy goodbye!" said Zack, "Because I'm going to run against you for city mayor!"

"I see, Zack." said Adam, "Well, you talk the talk, but can you fall the fall?"

"Fall the fall? What the hell are you- GYAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!" screamed Zack as he fell into a trapdoor.

"Ha ha! Fall the fall," laughed Adam, "Now that was a good one. Oh, and say hi to little Tanya for me! That girl is so adorable," he then turned to Peter, "And why are you still here?"

"That guy was my ride home," said Peter.

Later at the Griffin home in the living room...

"You're doing what?!?!" asked Lois.

"What the hell are you talking about?" asked Zack, "We just got home."

"Sorry," said Lois, "Don't know why that came out of the blue. Anyway, how did things with the mayor go."

"Horrible," said Zack, "That's why I'm running for mayor."

"You're doing what?!?!" asked Lois.

"HE SAID HE'S RUNNING FOR MAYOR!!!" shouted Peter in Lois' ear.

"Stop shouting! I know what he said," said Lois, "It's just that it seems so crazy!"

"Lois, this sales tax is crazy!" said Zack, "I'm not going to stand by and watch the common man get screwed over!"

"I'm with Zack on this one," said Peter, "I mean, Adam West is a great guy, but he has made some pretty stupid decisions. Sometimes, living in this town is worse than the time Zack and I went to Panic at the Disco."

**Flashback**

Zack and Peter are running around in dico suits panicking and screaming in a disco bar. Get it? It's not the band, it's them panicking at the disco... I'll go cry in a corner now...

**End Flashback**

The next morning, the family is having breakfast. Peter then walks into the kitchen wearing a suit and top hat.

"Peter, what are you doing?" asked Lois.

"As you know, I am Zack's campaign manager," said Peter, "And as such, I'd like to dress up as fancy as possible. Now, the first thing you need to do is some mud slinging and slander. Now, I was thinking your tagline should be: If you vote for Adam West, you will turn gay and everybody knows that God hates that."

"Umm... Peter," said Zack, "I already have a campaign manager. I picked Meg."

"Meg?!?!" asked Peter, "You picked Meg over me? I mean, c'mon! I'm a big fat lovable oaf and she's... well... Meg! Are you serious."

"Well, yeah dad," said Meg, "Zack says he wants a clean and honest race. The only reason he didn't pick you was because all you would've done was use dirty tactics like attack ads and make wild accusations. He wants a good public image."

"...You only got this job because you slept with him, didn't you?" asked Peter.

"Peter, I'm sorry," said Zack, "Look, you can help with the other stuff, okay?"

"I don't wanna do other stuff!" whined Peter, "I wanna be your campaign manager!"

"Dad, Zack picked me, okay?" said Meg, "There's no need to fuss."

"I'm NOT fussing!" said Peter as he jumped up and down, "I'm not! I'm not! I'm NOT!"

"Peter, why don't you just go get a juicebox," said Zack, "I don't wanna have to give you a time out."

"Fine!" said Peter as he stomped into the kitchen.

"He'll get over it," said Zack.

Later on the Quahog TV news...

"We have late breaking news," said Tom Tucker, "Adam West may have some competition as local, Zack Murdock, has thrown his hat into the ring to challenge Mr. West for mayor. Diane, what are your thoughts?"

"I don't give a flying crap, Tom. I'm so over him," Said Diane, before she started bursting into tears, "OH WHO AM I KIDDING?!?! I'D VOTE FOR HIM NO MATTER WHAT! ZACK, I STILL LOVE YOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!"

"...Ooooookay..." said Tom, "We now go live to Trishia Takanawa who is with the candidate. Trishia?"

We now cut away to Trishia Takanawa who is standing in the doorway of the Griffin residence in front of Zack and Meg.

"Thank you, Tom," said Trishia, "As you can see, I'm standing here with Mr. Murdock along with his campaign manager, Meg Griffin. Sir, exactly why are you running for mayor?"

"Well, Trishia, I've been living in this town for almost my whole life," said Zack, "There have just been too many problems as of late."

"He's right," said Meg, "Did you know the mayor didn't really fix those pothole problems like he said?"

**Flashback.**

Zack is driving down the street with Peter as his passenger. They hit a pothole and dust comes flying up.

"What the hell was that?" asked Peter.

"I dunno," said Zack as he was coughing from the dust and starts feeling wierd, "Hey, man, you see the colors?"

"Huh?" asked Peter as he then starts feeling wierd too, "Oh yeah. The street looks so alive... Dude, I even see a pink elephant in the road."

"Dude, where's you get the extra arms?" asked Zack, "That's like so wierd."

"Man, you're hat is talking," said Peter, "Dude, I think we're so stoned."

"Yeah, man," said Zack as he crashes his car into a wall.

"You know what we should do?" asked Peter, "We should sell the car to get money to pay for the repairs."

"You are a freakin genius, man," said Zack.

**End Flashback**

"Yeah, that's right! He filled the potholes with pot!" said Zack, "You wanna guess how he's probably gonna fix the cracked streets?"

"Wait, I'm recieving some breaking news," said Trishia, "There's going to be a third candidate joining the election."

"New candidate?" asked Meg.

"Well bring him on!" said Zack, "Nobody's going to stop me from going to the top!"

"The new cadidate is, Mr. Peter Griffin," said Trishia.

"...Except that guy," said Zack.

Peter and Brian then walk in from behind Zack and Meg and in front of Trishia.

"Sir, exactly why do you wish to run for mayor?" asked Trishia.

"Well, Trishia, it's to keep somebody like him from being in office," said Peter pointing to Zack, "If he wins, fat chicks like her will be allowed to roam free in public and not stay in their houses like where they belong," said Peter pointing to Meg.

"Why you dirty-" said Zack.

"And exactly who is this?" asked Trishia pointing to Brian.

"This happens to be my campaign manager Brian," said Peter.

"He only listens to me when he's drunk," said Brian.

"Well, this should be an interesting race," said Trishia, "A three way candidacy to the mayor's office. We'll see how this turns out."

The TV is then turned off by Zack who is sitting on the couch with Meg.

"I don't believe this!" said Zack, "I am so screwed!"

"You're running against Adam west and my dad," said Meg "You'll win by a landslide. Why are you making a big deal out of this."

"Because he's an idiot!" said Zack, "He'll ruin everything! He'll tell the biggist, most rediculous, and idiotic lie about me and make me lose voters!"

"Zack, that's not going to happen," said Meg.

"Guys, Peter's commercial is coming on," said Lois in excitement as she turned on the TV.

"Wonder how he's gonna humiliate me?" asked Zack in sarcasm.

"Zack, you shouldn't worry," said Meg.

**Cutaway to Commercial.**

(A/N: Italics indicate that the commercial is being narrated by Peter.)

_What do we really know about Zack Murdock?_

Ominous music begins playing in the background.

_Sure, we know that he's your friendly neighborhood mechanic and before that a convenient store clerk. But there is something you have to know about Zack Murdock. Something that may shock you, terrify you, and maybe even make you wet your pants. Did you know that Zack was born... in CANADA?_

Zack's birth certificate flies on screen. It shows that he was indeed born in a Canadian hospital.

_Now I ask you, why should you vote a CANADIAN who wants to run an AMERICAN town such as Quahog? The answer is that you shouldn't. If he is in office, this man will destroy everything that is American in this town. Bacon will become ham and you'll be forced to say "aboot" instead of "about"! Now do we really want this man... this CANADIAN man to be our next Mayor? I don't think so. That is why you should vote for Peter Griffin._

A picture of Peter appears on screen with the words "I M AWESOME"(not that's not a typo) written on the picture.

_You see, unlike Zack I am an American. I think I'm better than everyone else and I'm quick to jump the gun. That is why you should vote for me, if you don't want a Canadian Quahog. Paid for by the people of Peter Griffin for President._

_P.S. Did we mention that Zack is a descendant of Lizard Men from Dimension X? Yeah... He's a descendant of Lizard Men from Dimension X._

"I am so SO sorry for this Zack," said Brian.

**End Commercial.**

"Canadian Lizard Man," said Zack in disbelief, "He chose Canadian Lizard Men... from Dimension X. Who the hell came up with that? Manatees?"

"That was the biggest load of tripe I have ever heard!" said Lois, "Does he really expect anybody believe this trash?"

"Zack, look outside! Quick!" said Chris as everybody ran outside.

"Oh my god!" said Meg as she looked at the garage. Painted in red it said: "Go Back to Canada Lizard Man".

"That idiot!" shouted Zack.

Peter then walks to the driveway wearing a suit. Lois then walks up to him.

"Peter, I want you to take that ad off of TV!" said Lois angrily.

"Sorry Lois," said Peter, "But as a politician, I must do whatever it is that is nessecary to win this election. Oh, and I wouldn't step outside anytime soon, Zack. People really don't trust lizard men. Especially those of Canadian descent."

Suddenly, Quagmire and Cleveland begin throwing eggs at Zack.

"Go home, lizard man!" said Cleveland.

"Yeah! We don't want your type here!" said Quagmire, "Except for hot shapely Lizard women. Do you know where I can find any?"

"No, I don't," said Zack before getting pelted with eggs again.

"Then you're useless! Go home!" shouted Quagmire.

Later that night at the dinner table, everybody is sitting at the table except Peter and Brian who are out in the town spreading their campaign. Zack is sulking about what Peter's done to him.

"My reputation is ruined!" said Zack, "I can't even show my face in public anymore and it's all Peter's fault!"

"Zack, can you hand me the salt?" asked Chris.

"Here you go," said Zack as he handed him the salt.

"Thanks," said Chris as he then threw salt in Zack's eyes, "AWAY WITH THEE, LIZARD MAN!!!"

"MY EYES!!! IT BURNS!!!" shouted Zack.

"Chris, stop that!" said Lois, "I'm very sorry about this."

"I'm gonna get back at him for this!" said Zack.

"Don't worry about a thing, Zack," said Meg, "You can still win over the people somehow and as your campaign manager, I've got an idea."

"Um, yeah about that," said Zack, "I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm firing you as my campaign manager."

"Y-you're what?" asked Meg, "Why?"

"You've done a good job, but I need somebody more cut throat," said Zack, "Somebody who takes no prisoners. That's why I hired Stewie."

"Now, Zack, I have plenty of ways to take down the fatman," said Stewie, "How do you feel about calling him an illegal immigrant?"

"I don't believe you!" cried Meg, "Your firing your own wife just to win at any costs!?!?!"

Meg then runs upstairs to her room crying.

"Meg wait!" said Zack, "I hope I didn't hurt her too much."

"Don't worry about it," said Stewie, "Because once you win, she'll be coming back to get some of that old fashioned mayor sex. I hear being mayor increases your potency you know."

The next afternoon in the living room Peter comes into the room with the newspaper in hand.

"Hey, Lois," said Peter, "Checkout this headline: Peter Griffin Favored To Win Election. Down With The Canadian Lizard Man. I'm sure to win this thing!"

"Peter, you only gained the support of people through lies!" said Lois, "You're an even bigger liar than those Visa commercials."

**Flashback.**

You know those Visa check card commercials where they make it seem like using a card is much faster tha using a check. Well, here how it would go in real life:

There's a huge line of people going in a clockwork, now one guy walks up to the register. He slides his card...

"Whoops, didn't slide right," he said as he slid it again, "Okay, now I just enter my pin number... Okay it's processing... incorrect pin? Okay, now I'll try it again..."

The customer behind hims knocks the guy out.

"Here's cash," he said as hands the cashier his money, gets his change, and walks out.

See? Now wasn't that much faster?

**End Flashback.**

"Anyway, I'm going to celebrate my victory by watching some TV," said Peter.

"You know, Peter," said Brian, "As your campaign manager I must ask you a question: Why the hell am I even your campaign manager? You never even listen to a word I say."

"Now that's not true, Snoopy," said Peter.

"Well, then listen to this," said Brian, "Do you know the saying: What goes around comes around?"

"No," said Peter.

"It's called karma," said Brian, "That Lizard Man Attack Ad is going to come back to bite you in the ass."

"Pfft! There's no such thing as karma," said Peter, "Anyway, where is that lizard man? He's not suppose to be outside."

"I don't know, but I just got a phone call from him," said Lois.

"Is he going to admit that he's a backstabbing bastard?" asked Meg angrily.

"No," said Lois, "He says to turn on the TV. His commercial is coming on."

Peter then turns on the TV and sure enough, Zack's commercial is indeed on TV.

**Cutaway to Commercial.**

Zack is standing in front of the camera wearing a suit and had his hair tied in a ponytail to look professional.

"Hello, I'm Zack Murdock," said Zack, "Or as you people prefer to call me, the Canadian Lizard Man. Yes, I was indeed born in Canada but does that make me any different from you. Knowing you people the answer is obviously yes, so I will now resort to just blatantly attacking Peter Griffin. Did you know that Peter is Anti Family? I have recently spoken with members of his family about how he acts around them."

Cuts to Chris...

"My dad once pooped in the neighbor's yard and lied about it," said Chris.

"Yes, we already knew that," said Zack, "What else can you tell us?"

"Well... One time my dad descriminated against handicapped when he had his own resteraunt," said Chris.

Cuts to Lois...

"Let's see..." said Lois, "Okay, one time he pushed me into the the car and pushed it into the river."

Cuts to Meg...

"I'm not speaking to you, Zackass!" said Meg angrily.

Cuts to Maddie...

"He once hid his porn in my coloring book stash," said Maddie, "I ended up coloring breasts instead of a pony. Just looking at those pictures makes me question my secku... sek... se..."

"Sexuality!" whispered Zack.

"Hey! YOU"RE the one who wrote so small on those cue-"

Cuts to Stewie...

"One time, daddy..." said Stewie wimpering, "He... He wanted me to play Micheal Jackson with him! I thought he meant doing the complete choreography to Thriller... But I WAS WRONG!!!" Stewie then starts sobbing, but then stops, "How was that?"

"Beautiful," said Zack.

"You know, I could put ketchup on my face and say that he hits me," said Stewie.

"I think we've got enough," said Zack.

Cuts to... Peter...

"Well one time, I blamed Meg for wrecking the cable, I almost got Lois killed by the mafia, I gave Stewie sunburn at the golf course, I ate Joe's legs, I fart in Meg's cereal, I shot her at point blank once... Oh man, I could on for hours about what I've done to Meg," Laughed Peter, "Wait, you're not going to use this against me in an attack ad, are you?"

"Of course not," lied Zack.

Cuts back to Zack...

"Now I ask you this, people," said Zack, "Would you vote for somebody who has less than two brain cells? I wouldn't? I'm Zack Murdock and I approve this message."

**End Commercial.**

"Oh man, that Peter Griffin sounds like a real jackass!" said Peter, "I'd like to fix his wagon good!"

"Peter, that's you!" said Lois.

"Oh my god, that was me?" said Peter, "Zack can't say those things about me!"

Zack then walks into the house still wearing the suit and ponytail.

"So, Peter," said Zack, "How'd you like my new attack ad?"

"You can't just go around broadcasting that stuff about me!" said Peter angrily.

"Oh Yeah? Well it serves you right for what you did to ME!" said Zack angrily.

"Well, I'm gonna make sure you pay for this!" said Peter.

"Well we'll see about that!" said Zack, "I'm going to the top and my family will be there to support me! Right Meg?"

"Go to hell!" said Meg.

"Atta girl!" said Zack, "Anyway, I'll see you at the debate tonight Peter!

"Oh crap! The debate's tonight?" ased Peter in panic.

"I figured you'd wait at the last minute," said Brian, "That's why I prepared these cards for you to use."

"Oh thank you Brian!" said Peter relieved as he grabbed, "Oh I TOTALLY needed this! Oh my god, thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"You're welcome, Peter," said Brian.

Peter then tosses the cards into the fireplace which burns to ashes.

"Yeah, like I'm really gonna pass up the chance to just make crap up about Zack," said Peter.

"It's okay," said Brian, "The cards were blank. I don't even bother trying with you anymore."

Later that night on the Quahog news, Tom Tucker is by himself in the studio.

"Tonight is going to be the big night for the debate," said Tom, "We now go live to Trishia Takanawa who is in front of City Hall. Trishia?"

"Thank you Tom," said Trishia, "As you can see, I'm in front of City Hall asking people how they feel about the candidates. Sir, if the election were being held right now, who would you vote for?"

"Who would I vote for?" asked Carl, the Mini Mart clerk, "To be honest, I'd vote for Zack. Me and him go way back. We mostly talked about movies. We both watched Titanic once and my favorite part was when Kate Winslet got naked. That scene was totally awesome. You know, Zack cried during during the movie. He claims something was in his eye, but I think he was just being a girl. You know, he'd totally kill me if he saw this. Can we edit that out?"

"Sir, we're live," said Trishia.

"...Oh well. Life's overrated anyway..." said Carl as he walked inside.

"Sir, who would YOU vote for," said Trishia speaking to Quagmire.

"Well, I'd vote for Peter," said Quagmire, "With him as mayor, Quahog would be a much better place for folks like me!"

"Rapists and sex hounds?" asked Trishia.

"No, people with herpes!" said Quagmire, "I really need to be careful about who I sleep with."

"Sirs, who would you vote for?" asked Trishia.

"Well Trissssshia," said one of the two Canadian Lizardmen who were dressed up as lumberjacks, "We feel that it'ssssss aboot time ssssssomeone of our kind ran for office. That issss why we'd vote for Zack, eh."

"Oh yeah, no doubt aboot it," said the other lizrd man, "We're tired of having to hide from the people. We refusssse to be perssssssecuted jussssst for being different, eh."

"Alright you! The giant lobster and chicken!" said Trishia, "If the election were held today, who would you vote for?"

"Oh that's easy?" said Lobster, "I'd vote for Griffin."

"Griffin, huh?" asked the Chicken, "Well I'd vote for Murdock."

"Why Murdock?!?!" asked Lobster, "I HATE Murdock!"

"Oh yeah? Well I HATE Griffin," said the Chicken.

"Murdock lover!"

"Griffin lover!"

Lobster then punches the Chicken in the face and they both get into a big fight.

"Yes, I see," said Trishia, "And now we go live to Diane Simmon's who will be questioning the candidates during the debate. Diane?"

We cut to the inside of City Hall, where Diane is sitting in a desk in front of the opening floor where Peter, Zack, and Adam West are standing in front of their podiums.

"Thank you Trishia," said Diane, "Now let's begin the debate. Mr. Griffin, what are your thoughts on the budget?"

"What are my thoughts about the budget?" asked Peter intellectually, "Well, the budget is a very important issue. If you would ask somebody like, oh say, Zack about the budget, he would just pussyfoot around the issue and not give you a straight answer. How can we trust a man like that?"

"Wow, that was a great answer," said one of the townfolk.

"Great anwer? HE DIDN'T EVEN ANSWERING THE FREAKING QUESTION!!!" shouted Zack.

"Zack, please wait your turn," said Diane, "Alright Zack, this one is for you. Do you wear boxers, briefs or sleep in the nude?"

"Wait, what?" asked Zack.

"I said, what do you think of the current police force?" asked Diane.

"I think it's time for a change," said Zack, "Sure, we have good men like Joe, but the rest stink! Crime is becoming a big problem in Quahog and it's because of the ignorance of the police force."

**Flashback.**

Meg and Zack walk into a police station to file a police report.

"We're here to file a report," said Zack, "Our car was stolen while we stopped at a red light!"

"They pointed a gun to his head!" said Meg, "They threatened to kill him!"

"They also took my wallet," said Zack, "My social secutiry card is in there!"

"Oh my god!" panicked Meg, "Maddie's still in the car! My baby's been kidnapped!"

"Officer, you've gotta do something!" said Zack.

"Sorry, we'd like to help you," said the officer, "But there are just so much other serious crimes going on."

"...Did I mention one of the guys were black?" said Zack.

"Let's move out!" shouted the officer to the others as they ran out in a heartbeat.

**End Flashback.**

"Personally, I think there is no need to change the police force," said Peter, "We don't need lizard policemen taking jobs from hard working humans."

"WILL YOU GET OFF THE LIZARDMAN THING?!?!" shouted Zack.

"Okay, this one is for Mr. Griffin," said Diane.

"Wait, don't I get to answer?" asked Adam West.

"Mr. Griffin," said Diane as she ignored Adam, "Is it true that you played Michael Jackson with your son Stewie?"

"Well, yeah," said Peter as everyone gasped, "We play Michael Jackson every night. I don't see the harm in a father playing Michael Jackson with his son. In fact I think every dad should do it! I mean, NOt playing it with your kid seems so... wrong!"

"So you admit to..." said Diane.

"That's right," said Peter, "We do the dance to Smooth Crimal every night!"

"But everybody knows that Thriller is infinitely superior to Smooth Criminal!" said Diane, "You should be ashamed of yourself!"

"See? What did I tell you?!?!" cried Stewie, "He's horrible!"

"What did I tell you?" asked Zack, "Anti family."

"You stay out of this!" shouted Peter, "At least I didn't fire my own wife just to win a campaign at all costs!"

"That wasn't the only reason!" shouted Zack, "I didn't want her to get hurt for being the campaign manager of a "lizardman" as you put it! Do you have any idea how that could affect my family?!?! Now Maddie's going to be called daughter of the lizardman thanks to you!"

"See how immature he acts?" asked Peter, "He can't even take a joke."

"A joke? A JOKE!?!?" said Zack angrily, "You want to know what a joke is? I'll tell you what's a joke! This man is a joke! He voted yes on proposition 69, the law that allows child labor. He thought it was, vote yes for position 69!"

"Well this man doesn't pay his taxes!" said Peter.

"This man laughs whenever somebody says "Fire retardant"!" said Zack.

"He has long girly hair!" said Peter.

"He wears glasses!" said Zack.

"He's Canadian!" said Peter.

"He spells fork with a 4!" said Zack.

"Men, please!" said Diane, "You shouldn't be fighting!"

"She's right!" said Peter, "We shouldn't be fighting."

"Yeah, it's up to the voters to decide!" said Zack.

"So who's it gonna be?" asked Peter, "Me or this hippy child?"

"Me or this idiot?" asked Zack.

A few days later on the Quahog TV news, Tom and Diane are about to announce the results of the election.

"The results are in," said Tom, "Winning by a landslide, our new mayor is... Adam West!"

"That's right, Tom," said Diane, "It seemed that despite not having as much attention as the other two, Mr. West was able to win the election regarless."

"Zack Murdock could have probably won the election by a HUGE margin if not for the fact that lizardmen cannot vote in this country," said Tom.

Zack then turns off the TV.

"I can't believe neither of us won," said Zack.

"Well I'm not surprised," said Peter, "After the way you embarassed us both at the debate!"

"Me?!?!" asked Zack angrily, "You had no idea what the hell you were even doing! If one good thing came out of this it's that you're not mayor!"

"Well neither are you!" said Peter.

"WILL YOU TWO JUST SHUT IT AND JUST GROW UP?!?!" shouted Lois as they both went silent, "THE FREAKING ELECTION IS OVER! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL FIGHTING?!?!"

"Well he-" said Zack.

"NO!!!" shouted Lois, "JUST STOP!!! PETER, YOU'VE BEEN MAKING ZACK LOOK BAD AND ZACK, YOU'VE BEEN IGNORING AND NEGLECTING YOUR FAMILY LATELY. I SUGGEST YOU BOTH JUST DROP IT!!!"

"But he-" said Peter.

"I SAID DROP IT!!!" shouted Lois, "NOW APOLOGIZE!"

"Fine," sighed Zack, "I'm sorry for saying all those things about you on TV, Peter."

"And I'm sorry for calling you a lizardman," said Peter, "But I'm not apologizing for letting people know that you're Canadian."

"Fair enough," said Zack, "I guess we kinda went too far with this whole election thing."

"Zack, there's somebody else you need to apologize to, also," said Lois, "You hurt Meg when you fired her."

"Oh, right..." said Zack as he walked up to her.

"What do you want?" she asked, still a little.

"Listen, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for firing you," said Zack, "You must think I'm a real jerk."

"You're damn right I do," said Meg.

"So... do you accept my apology?" asked Zack.

"I guess..." said Meg, "Oh, of course I accept. I can't stay mad at you! You're the only chance at love that I may ever have in my sad pathetic life."

"I love you too," said Zack.

"I've got one question, though," said Meg, "Are you really a descendant of lizardmen?"

"Of course not," said Zack, "Peter made it all up."

"Yeah, Meg," said Peter, "He has absolutely no lizarman blood in him at all."

Everybody then laughs. A fly enters the room and Maddie quickly catches it with her tongue like a lizard. Everybody then gives her a wide eyed stare as she burps.

"What?" she asked, "I was hungry."

**End Chapter. **


	43. Stripes pt I

**Chapter 43: Stripes Part I**

It was Monday at the Quahog Preschool Center. Monday at the Preschool also happened to be show and tell day.

"Okay children," said Mrs. Lockhart, "Who would like to go first?"

"Oh! Oh! Me! Me!" said Maddie raising her hand.

"Anyone besides Madeline," said Mrs. Lockhart, "We don't need a repeat of what happened last week."

**Flashback.**

Last week's show and tell...

"Deep within the South American jungles lives the water boa, also known as the anaconda!" said Maddie, "They can grow to about 147 ft and can eat a 7 foot croc. Now, my hippy grandma's friend from the zoo let me borrow him so I can show you," she said before looking at an empty cage, "Um... Where'd he go?"

"Oh my god!" shouted Mrs. Lockhart, "Where are the children?!?!"

The kids where all trapped inside the snake's belly, shouting for help.

"My god!" said Stewie, "You know I really don't see how some people find vore so erotic. Oh, wait! Now I just got it!"

**End Flashback.**

"I could go first, Mrs. Lockhart," said Olivia.

"Why of course, Olivia," said Mrs. Lockhart, "Go on ahead."

Olivia walks to the front of the classroom holding a box.

"What do you think is in the box?" asked Tilly.

"I'm hoping it's a new head," said Maddie, "I'm getting pretty sick of her old one."

"Ha ha... Shut up, weirdo," said Olivia, "What I have in the box is my kitty!"

Olivia pulls out a white persian kitten from the box. All the kids come up to the cat in amazement.

"Oh, how cute!" said Tilly.

"Aww! What a cute kitty!" said C.J. as he pet the cat put his hand got stuck to it's fur, "Uh oh.."

"Get your sticky hands off my cat, lardo!" said Olivia as she began trying to pull C.J. off of her cat she succeeds, but tears off some of the cat's fur, "Now look what happened!"

"I know! There's cat fur all over my sucker," said C.J.. He then puts the furry lolipop in his mouth.

"Wow, I can't believe Olivia has a cat," said Tilly, "I wish I had a cat, but my mom won't get one. She says they'd leave too much hair around the apartment. Even more hair than your mom does when she shaves her legs."

"That can be anyone's hair!" said Maddie, "You know what? I think I want a cat!"

"You really think your mom will get you one?" asked Tilly.

"Of course," said Maddie, "I'm her only child. She has to."

Later at the Griffin house...

"Absolutely not!" said Meg.

"But mom!" whined Maddie,"Why can't I have a cat?"

"Because we already have a pet," said Meg, "We still have Brian."

"Your mother's right, dear," said Lois, "Also, you're not responsible enough to have a pet."

"Of course I am!" said Maddie.

"Maddie, you don't even take care of the goldfish we gave you," said Zack, "Speaking of which, when was the last time you fed it?"

"Monday," said Maddie, "...Of August."

Upstairs in Maddie's bedroom, there's a bowl full of black water and fish bones floating upside down in it. Now back to the living room...

"Maddie, Do honestly want a cat?" asked Brian, "Or do you want one just to one up Olivia?"

"Of course not," said Maddie, "Now, the cat I want **has** to be prettier than Olivia's persian. How much do Bengal Tigers cost these days?"

"Don't get her one," said Brian.

"AWWWWW!" whined Maddie.

"Maddie, you don't want a cat anyway," said Peter, "I remember when we bought a cat to replace Brian. I wonder what happened to it?"

A cat then falls from the ceiling and pulls on Peter's eyelids.

"God, I still hate this freaking cat!" said Peter.

It then runs quickly out the door and gets hit by a speeding car.

"You wanna free cat?" asked Peter, "It's just sitting there on the street."

"OH GOD NO!" said Maddie.

Later that day, Lois and Meg are making sandwiches for the kids, when Maddie walks into the kitchen with her hands behind her back.

"I was thinking about what you said earlier about me not being responsible enough for a pet," said Maddie.

"Yes, and what about it?" asked Lois.

"Well I can prove to you that I AM responsible," said Maddie as she held out a fishbowl, "See? I'm so responsible, I brought my goldfish back to life!"

"HELP!!!" shouted the goldfish in a german accent, "SHE KIDNAPPED ME FROM MY HOME!!! Not that they'd notice that I was gone, anyway... Especially not Stan..."

"Shut up, you!" said Maddie.

"Maddie, that's not your goldfish!" said Meg, "Why don't you just forget about getting a cat."

"You should listen to her," said Lois, "Now eat your lunch."

"Okay...," said Maddie as she took a bite of her sandwhich, "This isn't tuna fish. Wait... Why am I so itchy? MOM! I CAN'T BREATHE!!!"

"Maddie?" asked Meg in concern before Maddie fell to the ground trying to breathe, "MADDIE!!! ZACK, CALL THE HOSPITAL!"

"OH MY GOD!!!" shouted Stewie, "I found a pickle! I HATE pickles! They're so nasty!"

A little later at the Quahog hospital...

"Your daughter's going to be just fine," said Dr. Hartman, "She just had an allergic reaction to peanuts."

"I should've known," said Meg, "I'm allergic to peanuts, too. I shouldn't have given you that peanut butter and jelly sandwhich!"

"You know, you guys can be in a lot of trouble for this," said Maddie.

"What do you mean?" asked Zack.

"I could call child protection and tell them that you abused me with peanuts," said Maddie, "Of course, there is a way to avoid that..."

Later, the family is walking inside the local pet store.

"You know, I always said that our little girl deserved a cat," said Zack.

"Man you guys are so whipped," said Peter, "And by your own baby!"

"What a shame," said Lois, "Fortunately we'd never let Stewie do something like this to us."

A laser then quickly flies past Lois' head and hits a caged parrot whose feathers flies off as it makes a comical squacking noise.

"DAMN!" shouts Stewie as he puts his gun away.

"Look! Isn't that Brian's cousin Jasper?" asked Lois.

"Yeah. What's he doing here?" asked Peter.

Jasper was speaking with a male worker who happened to be quite muscular and handsome.

"Hi, there. You see, my boy toy Ricardo hasn't been speaking to me lately," said Jasper, "So I'm looking for a pet to keep me company."

"Okay," said the worker, "What kind of pet are you looking for?"

"Oh I don't know," said Jasper, "Maybe I'd like a nice big **cock**erspaniel. Do you have a big **cock**erspaniel that I could **pet** right now? Do you get what I'm saying?"

"Uhh..."

"No? Then maybe a big wiener dog, if you know what I mean?"

"Er, well, uhhh..."

"Oh don't worry," said Jasper, "I don't care how big it is. I can take it up the Shi tzu, if you get my drift. Oh! I'm so nasty!"

"Wow1 Look at all the cats!" said Maddie as she looked at the different kinds of cats behind the glasses.

"My goodness!" said Lois, "Look at how much they cost."

"There's no way I can buy you a cat!" said Zack, "If I do, you can forget about going to college."

"I'm blonde," said Maddie, "I can get by doing prostitution and porn."

"Like hell you will!" said Zack, "I don't want people thinking you've got "daddy issues"."

"How about me?" asked Stewie.

"Knock yourself out," said Zack.

"I think I'll call myself "Big Willy"," said Stewie.

"Zack!" said Lois angrily.

"Sorry, I couldn't help but overhear that you want a cat," said Zack's mother Valerie who walked up to them.

"Mom?" asked Zack, "What're you doing here?"

I'm about to free the mice from their cages. They should be running free in a more open environment," said Valarie as she grabbed the mice and put them into a larger cage, "Roam, little mice! Roam freely in your new habitat."

"Um, mom... You put them in the snake cage," said Zack.

"Oops," said Valarie as she watched the snake squeeze the mice to death, "Oh well! I'm pretty sure they could've been the next Hitlers. Anyway, if you want a cat, you shouldn't get one here."

"Really?" asked Meg.

"Oh yeah," said Valarie, "They're way too expensive here. What you should do is go to the animal shelter."

"Hey! You're supposed to be banned from this store! GET HER!!!" said the owner to the security gaurds.

"Let's go right now!" said Valarie as they all ran to Peter's car. As the car drives off, the owner shakes his fist at them.

The family make it to the animal shelter. They walk around and see all the animals locked up in their cages.

"This place seems so depressing," said Maddie.

"It is," said Valerie, "Many of these animal have either been abandoned or neglected by their owners. Many sheltered animals are put down each year because they can't find a home."

"That sounds horrible," said Lois.

"I know. That's why I want Maddie to adopt a cat instead of buying one," said Valarie.

"Hey, look at this one," said Maddie pointing to a small orange sleeping tabby cat, "I think I've found my cat!"

Later at the Griffin home, Brian is on the couch watching TV when the family arrives home.

"Where the heck have you guys been?" asked Brian.

"The animal shelter," said Peter, "Maddie blackmailed her parents into getting a stinking cat."

"A cat?!?!" asked Brian, "I knew it would come to this... The cat and I are probably going to fall in love and I get her pregnant and we end up having some wierd half cat, half dog hybrid, he gets made fun of by the other dogs and cats and becomes an emo, the cat starts thinking that she's fat and..."

"Brian, it's a male cat," said Meg.

"Really?" asked Brian, "Okay, then the cat will probably be gay and I'll somehow fall in love with it and..."

"Brian, I'm pretty sure he's straight," said Zack.

"Oh..." said Brian, "So this isn't going to turn into one of those stories?"

"Don't think so," said Peter.

"Oh, that's good," said Brian, "Uh, not that there's anything wrong with those kinds of stories. No."

"Of course not," said Peter, "Some of those are pretty good."

"It's, it's just that it seems overdone," said Brian.

"Yeah, I see what you mean," said Peter, "Well, that and YouxStewie slash fics."

"Really? They exist?" asked Stewie, "I have to check up on those. You know... for... for accuracy purposes only. I want to see if they got my character right."

"What are you guys talking about?" asked Lois.

"Nothing," said Peter.

"So anyway, what's the cat's name?" asked Brian.

"His name is Stripes," said Maddie as she hugged him, "Isn't he just adorable?"

Stripes then purred as Maddie stroked his fur.

"Yeah, you'd just wanna eat him up," said Brian sarcastically, "Anyway, I'm gonna go get some booze."

"Do you want to get his food ready?" asked Meg.

"Okay. Be right back," said Maddie as she walked off into the kitchen with everybody else, leaving Stewie and Stripes alone.

"Ugh, it's not fair!" said Stewie, "Why does she get a cat? I want a pet of my own."

"Psst! Young man," said a voice. A voice that sounded just like Plankton from Spongebob.

"Who said that?" asked Stewie.

"Over here!" said the voice again. It came from Stripes.

"You can talk?" asked Stewie.

"Yes. Before I was thrown into the shelter, I was a test subject for Quahog labs," said Stipes, "As you can see, my DNA was altered to make me the anthromorphic specimen you see before you."

"Yes, you are an interesting specimen indeed," said Stewie.

"I couldn't help but notice that you were rambling on about something in the car," said Stripes, "Was it world domination?"

"Yes! And what about it?" asked Stewie.

"I have an IQ of 675," said Stripes, "Perhaps we can... assist each other in this goal."

"You help me?" asked Stewie, "What's the catch?"

"No catch," said Stripes, "We simply help each other in our endeavor and we split the countries 50/50."

"Fine, but I call dibs on the GOOD countries," said Stewie, "None of that 3rd world crap. I'd have a hell of time just cleaning up Mexico."

"Fine, fine," said Stripes, "When the time is right, WE STRIKE!"

Stewie and Stripes then laugh maniacally. Unknown to them, Brian was eavesdropping on them.

"Oh no!" he said to himself in horror as he quickly ran to the kitchen, "Maddie, you have to get rid of that cat!"

"Why?" asked Maddie.

"Because he's evil! He wants to take over the world!" said Brian.

"I bet somebody's just a little jealous," said Peter.

"I'm not jealous!" said Brian.

"Of course you are," said Peter, "You've been the family pet for so long and then this cat comes along and you think it's trying to steal your thunder since he's much cuter and cuddlier."

"I'll prove to you that he's evil! Mark my word," said Brian as he walked off, "And I'm still cute and cuddly!"

The very next day, Maddie was playing with Stripes. She dangled a piece of string over him and watched as he playfully tried to catch it. Stripes then accidentally claws Maddie who yelps in pain. Brian runs into the room and tackles Stipes.

"How dare you attack her like that!" growled Brian.

"Brian, no!" said Maddie as she grabbed Striped.

"But he swiped at you!" said Brian.

"It was an accident," said Maddie, "He didn't mean to hurt me. Anyway, I'm going to get a band aid."

Maddie then leaves the living room, leaving Brian and Stripes alone.

"I'm on to you!" said Brian, "You may fool others with that old cute cat routine, but you don't fool me one bit!"

"Is that so?" asked Stripes, "And what are you going to do about it, dog?"

"I'm going to try my damndest to expose you for the fraud you are!" said Brian.

"O rly?" asked Stripes.

"Ya rly!!!"

"You can try to expose me all you want," said Stripes, "It's just a shame that you won't be around anymore."

"What the heck are you talk- GAAAAH!!!" shouted Brian as Stewie rendered him unconsious with a crow bar.

"Pleasant dreams, Brian," said Stewie, "No wait, that's no good."

"What?" asked Stripes.

"That one liner," said Stewie, "It was bad. I want a do over."

"Fine, fine," said Stripes as he splashed water on Brian.

"What happened?" coughed Brian as he woke up.

"You, um, fell," said Stripes.

"Really? Because I don't remember falling and- GAAAAAAAH!!!" shouted Brian as he was knocked unconscious again.

"You know what they say," said Stewie, "Let sleeping dogs lie! What do you think?"

"Better," said Stripes.

Later on...

"Has anybody seen Brian?" asked Lois.

"No," said Zack, "I haven't seen him for hours."

"Mommy! Daddy! Look what Brian left," said Stewie holding a piece of paper.

"What's this?" asked Peter as he read the note, "D... D... Zack, what's this word?"

"Dear," said Zack.

"Right! Dear Famu... Famulies. I am sore eye I half two leaf effrybodies..."

"Give me that," said Lois, "_Dear Family, I'm sorry I have to leave everybody, but I feel that two pets are one too many. I hope that Stipes will become a much more infinetely superior pet than I was. Signed Brian._"

"Brian's gone?" asked Meg, "We have to find him!"

"Hey, I found him!" said Chris pointing to what looked like Brian in the street.

"Brian, come back!" shouted Maddie.

Suddenly, a car speeds by and flattens him. The family then screams. A truck then flattens him some more and the family screams again. An airplane then falls from the sky, onto his body and explodes.

"BRIAN!!!" screamed Maddie as she buried her face into her hands and cried.

"Oh my god... That... was freaking AWESOME!" said Peter. Everybody then angrily looks at him, "But also very tragic..."

Later on, everybody is in the living room depressed about what has transpired.

"I can't believe Brian's dead," said Meg.

"I know," said Peter, "We always figured he'd at least outlive you."

"Now all we have left of him is his doggy bowl," said Lois, "Chris, stop eating from the doggy bowl!"

"I'M TRYING TO COPE WITH THE LOSS OF BRIAN!!!" sobbed Chris with his mouth full.

"I'm gonna miss him," wept Maddie.

"It's okay, honey," said Zack, "Brian's in a better place, now. He's up there in doggy heaven with all the other good dogs. I'll bet he's up there with my old dog Cinnamon right now," said Zack as his eyes began to tear up, "CINNAMON!!! OH POOR CINNAMON!!! I FLARKING HATE PONTIACS!!!"

"Well, at least I still have you, Stripes," said Maddie as she hugged Stripes, "I hope you never die."

_"Soon I'll make you wish otherwise, child..." _thought Stripes as he began plotting.

Later in the basement, Stewie and Stripes were building a a remote control-looking device. Also to help the atmosphere, there's a rainstorm going on outside.

"At last," said Stewie, "It's complete!"

"Yes," said Stripes, "This remote mind controller will aid us in our quest to rule the entire world!"

"Yes indeed," said Stewie, "Just imagine... Us as overlords of the entire planet."

"I'm trying... but I just can't picture it!" said Stripes pointing the remote at Stewie.

"What the deuce is this?!?!" asked Stewie.

"I refuse to rule the planet alongside a mangy HUMAN!" said Stripes angrily, "All my life I've been nothing more that a guinea pig to you people! Well things are about to change now!"

"You used me! No matter... I'll just have to dispose of you," said Stewie as he pulled out his ray gun. He pulls the trigger but nothing happens, "What is this?!?! It's not working!"

"You weak minded fool!" said Stripes, "Did you really think I would betray you without taking the precaution of removing your batteries. Just what kind of idiot uses AA batteries on a ray gun anyway?!?!"

"Well, YOU try finding an inexpensive power source for your weapons!" said Stewie.

"No matter, because now you shall be a slave to my power, just like the rest of the world!"

"Wait... No, no, don't!! Wait! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" screamed Stewie as lightning boomed from outside.

Meanwhile upstairs, Lois becomes worried of what she had heard.

"Stewie? Is that you?" asked Lois, "Are you alright?"

"Hello mother," said Stewie in a monotone voice, "As you can see, I am quite fine."

"See, Lois? He's perfectly fine," said Peter.

"I don't know, Peter," said Lois, "He has a very blank stare. I think he's even drooling."

"C'mon! It's perfectly normal for a boy his age to be curious about certain things," said Peter, "He obviously finds you very attractive."

Meanwhile at Jillian's apartment, Maddie and Tilly are in Jillian's room playing dress up.

"Don't you think this sundress looks simply devine?" asked Tilly.

"I guess you look... whatever..." sulked Maddie.

"Well, you don't look any better," said Tilly, "You look like a dog in your dress!"

"A dog?!?!" said Maddie before she sobbed uncontrollably.

"Maddie, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to insult you," said Tilly, "It's just that the dress is so crappy!"

"It's not that," said Maddie, "It's Brian... He's dead."

"Really?" asked Tilly.

"Yes," said Maddie, "I really miss him."

"Maddie, it's okay," said Tilly, "Brian wouldn't want you to be sad. He'd want you to treasure life and make the most of it."

"Really?" asked Maddie.

"I'm sure of it," said Tilly.

"Thanks, Tilly," said Maddie, "But, you DO know that this is your mom's favorite dress, don't you?"

"I know what I said and I stand by it," said Tilly.

Much later one, Jillian gives Maddie a ride home.

"Thanks for the ride, Aunt Jillian," said Maddie as she walked to the doorway. She knocks on the door, but nobody answers it, "Hello? Is anybody there?"

Still no answer. She decides to climb through an open window in the kitchen. When getting into the window, she accidentally steps in a pie that was cooling on the window sill.

"People still do this?" she asked as she walked into the living room where everybody was sitting on the couch watching TV, "You guys were in the living room? Didn't hear me knock?"

They just sat there, mindlessy watching TV.

"Hello?" asked Maddie as they ignored her, "This is too wierd..." Maddie then notices Stripes walking up to her. She picks him up and asks "Stripes? Do you know what's going on?"

"As a matter of fact, I do!" said Stripes.

"Gah! You can talk?" asked Maddie in shock.

"Oh I can do more than just talk!" said Stripes, "You see your family over there? I was able to use this remote mind controller to strip them of their freedom! Their minds now belong to me!"

"Oh my god!" said Maddie, "Grandpa and Uncle Chris had minds?!?!"

"Yeah, I was surprised at this fact myself," said Stripes, "But enough chit chat! I think it's time you joined them."

"Never!" said Maddie as she tried to run, but was grabbed by the family.

"What's wrong, Maddie?" asked Meg in a monotone voice.

"Don't you wish to join us?" asked Peter.

"Stripes will make everything better," said Chris.

"Join us, Maddie," said Zack.

"You see?" asked Stripes, "Even your family is concerned..."

"I like pickles," said Lois.

"I really need to fix that," said Stripes, "But right now, say goodbye to your free will!"

Stripes then pointed his remote control towards Maddie, who began to sweat and cry.

"No! No! BRIAN!!!" she screamed out of desperation, "If only he were alive!"

Suddenly, Brian bursts through the window and attacks the family, making them release Maddie.

"Brian! You're alive!" said Maddie.

"Quick! Get on my back!" said Brian.

Maddie then hops on Maddie's back and they both leap through window.

"Damn!" said Stripes, "They got away! It doesn't matter, though. Soon they'll be at my mercy along with the rest of the world! Soon, every living creature on this will hail Stripes! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA HACK COUGH COUGH!!! Sorry. Just hacked a furball there. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

_To Be Continued..._

**End Chapter...**


	44. Stripes Pt II

**Chapter 44: Stripes Part II**

**(A/N: I would like to apologize for the remark I made in the last chapter about Catgirls in Family Guy fanfiction. It was NOT, and I repeat, NOT an insult to TheBroccoliMustDie characters Chaos and Mayhem or her stories. It was only a joke I put there with no actual meaning behind it, but I could see how it would mislead one to believe that I was being mean towards these two characters. I apologize to her and her fanbase and I would suggest reading her stories if you haven't already done so since they are very good stories. And now that that's over with, on with the show!)**

**(A/N2: Not a major change, but I was informed by Ezekiel Moon that it's the "Doom" song and not the "Do" song like I thought and I wanted to change it. Sorry if I got your hopes up, thinking it was a full fledged edit.)**

Previously on Family Guy...

Peter and Zack are in a room interrogating Neil Goldman.

"You gonna tell us where the bomb is, Goldman?" asked Peter.

"Never!" said Neil, "In two hours, me and this city are going to the big sci fi convention in the sky!"

"But innocent people will DIE!!!" said Zack angrily as he grabbed Neil by the collar.

xxx

Chris and Jillian are in the hospital looking over their children who are in hospital beds. Dr. Hartman walks into the room.

"Doctor, will they be alright?" asked Chris.

"I have terrible news," said Dr. Hartman, "Your daughter has chicken pox, the flu, cancer, diabetes, Alzheimer's, and AIDS."

"And what about our son?" asked Jillian.

"I'm afraid... he's stupid," said Dr. Hartman.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed Jillian as she cried on Chris.

xxx

Lois and Peter are trying to deactivate a bomb.

"Peter, cut the wire!" shouts Lois.

"But I don't know which one!" said Peter, "Red or blue?"

"Hurry! We only got 10 seconds!"

"Eeenie meenie miney, hammer!" shouts Peter as he hits the bomb with a hammer.

"YOU STUPID SON OF A B-"

BOOM!

xxx

Brian is strapped to a table wearing a suit while a laser beam is coming towards him.

"Do you expect me to talk?" he asked.

"No no no Mr. Brian," said Stewie who had an eyepatch and a claw for a hand, "I expect you to die! HAHAHAHAHA!!! As long as your gonna die slowly, you wanna hear how I got this eyepatch and claw? It's a very good story so I figured you might wanna hear it before your untimely demise."

"...Sure. Why not."

xxx

Zack is in the rain holding Meg's bloody corpse. He parts Meg's hair to see her face and tears begin to fill his eyes.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! DAMN YOU AAALLLLLLLLL!!!" he shouts angrily to the sky.

xxx

Maddie and Meg are fighting a bunch of robots that look like Stewie while wearing black leather jumpsuits.

"Don't let them escape!" shouts Stewie.

"Mom, there's no exit! How do we get out?" asks Maddie.

"We make a way out!" said Meg.

They then break through the window of the skyscraper and free fall.

xxx

Chris and Jillian are riding the teacup ride at Disneyland laughing, while Tilly and C.J. are watching.

"Nothing actiony or dramatic is gonna happen here," said C.J.

"Yeah, you can just move on," said Tilly.

xxx

Wait...

xxx

"And soon, every living creature on this planet will hail Stripes! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

There we go. And now, on to our regularly scheduled program...

It was nightfall in James Woods. From a sparkling moonlit lake rose young Maddie with a net full of fish. She dragged the net back to the campfire where Brian was waiting for her.

"Fish again?" Brian simply asked in annoyance.

"Well I don't see **you** bringing anything to the campfire," said Maddie, "Just what kind of dog doesn't know how to hunt anyway?"

"Hey, I can hunt!" said Brian.

"Oh really? Then bring us something to eat, then," said Maddie.

"I could, but... I... sprained my ankle," said Brian as he grabbed his ankle and groaned.

"From sitting there on your butt all day while I got fish," she said.

"...Yes," said Brian.

For a whole month, they had been hiding and fending for themselves. They were far away from a home they couldn't return to with a family that no longer knew them. They were alone...

"Brian, I've been meaning to ask you something for quite some time," said Maddie, "How in the world did you survive?"

"Survive what?" asked Brian.

"When you got hit by that truck in the street," said Maddie, "You got torn up."

"No, that was just a robot," said Brian, "Stripes buried me alive in the backyard inside a cardboard box. As soon as I dug my way out, I rescued you."

"This is all my fault," said Maddie, "You were right about Stripes being evil."

"Maddie, you're just a baby," said Brian, "Don't beat yourself up over it."

"God, I feel so alone," cried Maddie, "I wish I never wanted a cat! I just want my family back."

"Maddie we'll stop Stripes and get our family back," said Brian, "I promise."

"But how?" asked Maddie, "He's a smart evil cat and we're just a talking dog and a non evil genius talking baby."

"What we need is someone who's a super genius," said Brian.

"Did somebody say super genius?" said a familiar voice.

"Bertram?" asked Maddie.

There is then rustling from within the bushes and then struggling. Bertram's head then peers out but can't move any further.

"Damn, I'm stuck! Blasted thorns! A little help, please?" asked Bertram as Maddie pulled him out. He then steps in something, "Please tell me this is mud. For the love of Christ let that be mud."

"Sorry, that came from me," said Brian.

"Rats! And I liked these shoes, too," said Bertram.

"What are you doing here?" asked Maddie.

"Well if you must know," said Bertram, "I was monitoring Stewie with my hidden cameras when that blasted cat took over! I'M suppose to be the one to defeat Stewie, not some mangy furball! I was on my way to undo that dastardly fiend's doing. Speaking of which, why aren't you two his mind slaves?"

"We got away at the last minute," said Maddie, "We've been hiding in these woods for a month."

"Really? Well then perhaps we can assist each other," said Bertram.

"And why should we trust you?" asked Brian angrily, "Especially after what you did to future Maddie?"

"Look, I don't like it anymore than you do, but do you see any other super geniuses around here?" asked Bertram, "You both NEED my help."

"He's right," said Maddie, "We don't really have much of a choice."

"Alright, fine," said Brian, "But if he double crosses us, I swear I'll..."

"Look, you have my word," said Bertram, "I'll be as trustworthy as Barney the Dinosaur."

**Cutaway.**

On Barney and Friends...

"I love to play pretend," said Barney to those kids he's always hanging out with, "That's why we're going to get into my van and pretend that I'm a cop. Then I'll get to pretend that you've been bad."

"Um, Barney," said one of the kids, "I don't want to play that-"

"I SAID GET IN THE VAN!!!" shouted Barney as he pulled a gun.

**End Cutaway.**

"Wait, Barney hasn't been trustworthy as of late has he?" asked Bertram.

"I guess not," said Maddie, "But for now, I think it's time we paid Stripes a little visit."

Meanwhile at the Griffin home, Stripes is sitting on a recliner while Lois is fanning him and his feet are raised up on Meg's back.

"Ahhhh... this is the life..." said Stripes, "My feet are numb. Footstool... vibrate for me!"

"Yes, master," said Meg as she began shaking.

"Longface! Bring me the phone!" said Stripes.

"Yes, master," said Chris as he brought him the phone.

"Fan woman, fan slower!" said Stripes, "You're getting shedded hair into my eyes!"

"Henshin a go go baby," said Lois.

"Do not mock me with your Veiwtiful antics, woman!" said Stripes as he dialed the phone.

Meanwhile in city hall, Adam West answers his phone.

"Hello?" he asked.

"Mayor West?" asked Stripes.

"Yes and who is this?" asked Mayor West.

"This is your worst nightmare come ALIVE!" said Stripes.

"Oh my god..." said Mayor West, "Mr. Zombie Potatohead lives!"

"Mr Zomb...? No you blasted buffoon!" shouted Stripes, "I'm an evil talking cat!"

"Mr. Zombie Potatohead is a talking cat now?"

"SHUT UP!!! I have just taken over Spooner Street and if you don't surrender the city to me at once, I'll do the same with Quahog!"

"Oh yeah? You and what army?"

"Only the army of the mind controlled citizens of Spooner Street!"

"Oh yeah? Well you and what... Navy?"

"...Damn, I really didn't think that far."

"Well call back when you get a Navy then, Zombie Potatohead!"

Mayor West then hangs the phone, leaving Stripes one very pissed kitty.

"I'll show him! I'll make the best damn Navy- WAIT A MINUTE!!! The Navy are sea men!" shouted Stripes.

"In my mouth," said Stewie who was still mind controlled.

"What?!?!" asked Stripes.

"What?" asked Stewie.

"No matter. I'll just entertain myself for now and destroy him later. Fatso! Long hair!" said Stripes as Zack and Peter walked up to him, "Fight to the death!"

The Star Trek fighting music plays as Zack and Peter begin fighting each other. First they start fist fighting, and moments later they both break beer bottles and try to stab each other as Stripes watches in amusement. Meanwhile outside, Maddie, Brian, and Bertram have already dispatched Cleveland and Quagmire and are trying to sneak into the house.

"That was close," said Brian.

"You think?!?!" asked Maddie irritated, "I knew Mr. Quagmire likes 'em young, but COME ON!!!"

"Well, at least stopping Joe was easy enough," said Bertram.

A few inches away from them, Joe's back wheel is stuck in a ditch they dug. He's desperately trying to wheel himself out of it, but to no avail.

"DESTROOOOOOOOY!!!!" he shouts out to the top of his lungs, "DESTROOOOOOOOY!!!"

"So does anybody here have a plan as to how to get into the house and unbrainwash everybody?" asked Brian.

"..." Maddie just looks at Bertram.

"What?" asked Bertram.

"You're the genius," said Maddie.

"Yeah, what's the plan?" asked Brian.

"We... wait until something happens," said Bertram.

"...That's your plan?" asked Brian.

"Yeah," said Bertram.

"That has to be the laziest plan ever," said Maddie.

Zack and Peter burst through the window and continue to fight each other, completely ignoring the three intruders.

"But it's affective. Let's go," said Brian as they all jumped through the broken window.

"We're in, so now what?" asked Maddie.

"Okay, the first thing we do is dispatch the others," said Bertram.

"That shouldn't be too hard," said Brian.

"But it shouldn't be too easy either!" said Stripes.

"Oh crap!" said Maddie.

"Attack, my puppets!" said Stripes.

The fight then changes into an RPG style battle system. Bertram goes first. He chooses to run. Cannot escape!

"You backstabber! We're lucky this is a plot battle!" said Brian.

Lois chooses attack. She takes 10 hp from Maddie. Meg chooses attack. She attacks Bertram, but misses. Chris chooses attack. He attacks himself. He loses 50 hp. Chris faints.

"DAMMIT!" shouts Stripes.

Brian chooses attack. He cops a feel from Lois' boobs. Lois slaps him. Brian loses 5 hp. Maddie chooses attack. She fights Lois. Lois loses 10 hp. Bertram chooses attack. He fights Meg. Meg loses 200 hp. Critical hit! Meg faints. Stewie appears! Stewie uses death ray! Maddie, Brian, and Bertram lose 100 hp. Brian party defeated...

"Well, that was pretty embarrassing," said Bertram.

"You fools thought you could defeat me," said Stripes triumphantly, "Well you thought wrong! Now say goodbye to your free will!"

"Catch!" shouts Maddie as she tosses a red ball.

"Ha! Do you really think that a ball can stop me?" asked Stripes, "A big, red, bouncing... round... moving... round... bouncing... round... NO STRIPES!!! YOU MUST RESIST! RESIST THE ROUNDNESS!!! RESIST THE BOUNCING!!!"

Maddie then pushes the ball a little. Stripes then leaps towards the ball and begins playing with it like a normal cat would. He laughs in amusement and then cries in agony and then laughs again in amusement.

"Quick! The remote!" shouts Maddie.

"Got it!" said Brian as he now held the remote in his hand.

"Don't just stand there, woman! Stop him!" shouts Stripes.

"I'm gonna sing the Doom song!" said Lois, "Doom doom doom doom doom doom doooooooooom doom doom doom doom!"

"YOU'RE USELESS!!!" shouted Stripes as he pulled his ray gun and fired wildy, "Stewie! Help me destroy them!"

"Yes, Master," said Stewie as he pulled out his ray gun as well.

"Damn! How the hell do you work this thing?" asked Brian as he kept pressing random buttons.

"Is it set to VCR?" asked Bertram, "Try setting it to cable box!"

At that moment, Lois rips off her shirt and shows off her bra. Bertram looks on in disgust while Brian begins to grin from ear to ear.

"Hey! I could get used to this," said Brian.

"Drop the remote, canine, or the girl dies!" shouted Stripes as he points to Stewie who was pointing his gun to Maddie's head.

"Forget about me, Brian!" said Maddie, "Save the family!"

"Hand over the remote, dog!" shouted Stripes.

"Let go of the girl!" said Brian.

"You don't have the grapes to do it!" said Bertram.

"SAY HE WON'T DO IT, MAN!!!" shouted Stripes.

"SAY I WON'T, BRIAN!" shouts Stewie.

"Don't give him the remote!" begged Maddie.

"Fine then," said Stripes, "Destroy her!"

"MADDIE!!!" shouted Brian as he covered his eyes.

"Brian, look!" said Bertram, "Nothing happened!"

"You blasted football head! I said kill her!" shouted Stripes.

Stewie once again does nothing.

"I knew it!" said Maddie proudly, "Stewie must be overcoming his mind control. He'd never shoot me, his own niece! We share a brother/sister-like bond with each other."

"...Wait, the batteries from his gun are gone," said Bertram.

"Really?" asked Maddie.

"Yeah, his finger's pressed on the trigger," said Brian, "Looks like he was dead set on shooting you. Your head should be clean off your shoulders right now."

"...Omigod omigod omigod omigod!" said Maddie as she curled into a ball and began to cry uncontrollably in fear.

"Fine time for the battery removal to come back and bite me in the ass!" said Stripes.

"Alright, cat!" said Brian, "We've got the remote so surrender!"

"Rats! You may have beaten me, but someday I will HEY, LOIS' BRA JUST POPPED!!!" shouted Stripes.

"Huh?"

"Yoink!" said Stripes as he snatched the remote, "Haha! Made you look!"

"Nice work, canine," said Bertram sarcastically.

"And now, you shall all feel the power of Stripes!" said the maniacal cat, "You all thought you could beat me, but you could not! Now free will shall be nothing but a memory to you three as you will all become my mind slaves! Witness as a new era begins under my reign as supreme rul-"

Stripes was then cut off by Zack and Peter crashing from the ceiling and landing on top of Stripes, silencing him. How they got up here while they were outside a while ago, I'll never know.

"Thank god," said Maddie.

"I know," said Brian, "I thought he'd never shut up."

"Ugh... What happened?" groaned Peter, "Oh crap! I sat on the remote! Now I have to change channels the old fashioned way... making Lois do it!"

"Um... why is my top off?" asked Lois embarrassed as she covered herself.

"Suddenly I hate turn based RPGs," said Chris as he came too.

"Not me," said Meg as she came to, "Even though I ALWAYS lose 200 hp in a critical hit. I swear I will someday get past the first random battle in Final Fantasy."

"You know I had the strangest dream. I- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" shouted Zack. Everyone then looked to see a bloody stub that used to be his right arm.

"Oh my god! Are you okay?" asked Meg.

"Am I okay? Am I OKAY?!?!" asked Zack, "Oh yeah, I'm just peachy, Meg. NO, I'M NOT OKAY!!! SOMEBODY CUT OFF... A FEW INCHES OF MY HAIR!!! Oh, and my arm seems to have been dismembered."

"Found it," said Peter as he pulled it from his pants.

"...You keep it," said Zack.

Stripes then gets up from his spot and attempts to reassemble his broken remote, but to no avail.

"BLAST IT!!! WORK, DAMN YOU!!!" shouted Stripes as everybody else cornered him.

"Oh Stripes..." said Meg.

"We'd like to have a word with you," said Lois.

Really?" asked Peter, "Cause I thought, you know, we were just gonna rough him up."

"Stripes?" asked Stewie, "Have you ever heard the expression there's more than one way to skin a cat?"

"Does it involve candy?" asked Stripes hopefully.

"No, but it shall be sweet for us!" said Stewie as they all approached him.

"Fine... do with me as you will," said Stripes in defeat, "Finish me..."

"Wait," said Maddie as she jumped in front of the group, "This isn't right!"

"Maddie, what are you doing?" asked Brian, "He tried to kill you and take over the world!"

"But it's not his fault," said Maddie, "He's only bitter because of what humans have done to him in the past."

"Yeah, right," said Lois sarcastically.

"No it's true..." said Stripes, "Ever since I was kitten I was used as nothing but a lab experiment. That genetic testing both blessed and cursed me with these human like abilities. As such, I am considered a freak to both man and animal alike..."

"Wait a minute," said Brian, "People don't freak out when they see me-"

"Don't interrupt my heartfelt speech!" said Stripes, "After the lab was shut down, I was forced into the animal shelter. I was constantly adopted and returned... I was a broken toy that nobody wanted... It was then that I began to realize that I would never have a home. That I would be alone and friendless forever... and it was all the humans' fault, using me as a means to benefit themselves. That was when I came to the conclusion that if I can't be loved then I would be feared! I wanted the humans to suffer the same way I did! But in the end, all I really wanted was a family..." he continued as he began to cry tearfully.

"How sad," said Peter, "Let's put him out of his misery."

"No!" said Maddie, "Didn't you hear him? He's not truly an evil monster. Just a misunderstood one. He just wants love and attention."

"Yes, and I'm sure there's plenty of that in kitty hell, now move aside!" said Stewie.

"I won't let you. My dad once told me that everybody deserved a second chance," said Maddie.

"I taught you no such thing," lied Zack.

"That's right. Bad! Bad! No!" said Peter as he kept poking Maddie with Zack's arm. Zack then snatches his arm back and slaps Peter in the back of his head with it.

"Stripes... It doesn't matter if you're different. I want to give you a second chance," said Maddie as she kneeled to him and lifted his teary face, "I want you to be my friend. Do you want to be my friend?"

"Your... friend?" asked Stripes. Maddie then nodded, "I... want to be your friend, too." Maddie then hugs Stripes and he hugs her back, "Wait? What is this sensation? I... I've never felt this way before."

"That's just gas," said Peter.

"No, I said I NEVER felt this way before," said Stripes.

"Is it warm and fuzzy feeling inside your heart?" asked Maddie.

"Yes, it is!"

"Now THAT is heartburn," said Peter.

"No," said Maddie.

"...Diarr-"

"It's love, stupid," said Maddie.

"Really?" asked Stewie.

"Love?" asked Bertram.

"EEEEEEEWWWW!" they both said as they flailed their arms.

"So this is how love feels..." asked Stripes, "I like it! No... I LOVE it! I now have a family! I have a reason to be!"

"See?" said Maddie, "Isn't this much better?"

"It sure is! I have to tell the whole world!" said Stripes as he ran outside, "EVERYBODY!!! I HAVE A FAMILY!!! I HAVE A REASON TO BE!!! I LOVE THE WORLD!!! I LOVE YOU AL-"

And Stripes was then quickly silenced by a speeding bus. The next day in the backyard, there was a tombstone that read: "Here Lies Stripes the Cat RIP". Everyone in the house was attending his funeral, dressed in black and Zack had his arm sewn back on, wearing a sling.

"So... does anybody have a few words they want to say about Stripes?" asked Lois.

"I do," said Brian, "Stripes once told me that he would be the only house pet in the house and tried to remove me from the picture. Now, seeing Stripes taken away from this world and buried all I can say is YYYYYYYYEAH!!! IN YO' F(bleep)KING FACE, CAT!!! HA!!! WOOOOOOOOOO!!! YEAH!!! And may he rest in peace with the lord, amen."

"Amen," said the others.

"You were right, mom," said Maddie, "I guess I'm not responsible enough to own a pet yet."

"Maybe not," said Meg, "But you did show kindness to a neglected animal... even if he did die seconds later."

"And for that, we're proud of you," said Zack as he rubbed Maddie's head with his good arm.

"Thanks," said Maddie, "Is it alright with you guys if I want to be alone right now?"

"Of course, Maddie," said Lois, "Anything to ease the grieving."

Everybody then left Maddie alone at Stripes' grave. She looked around to make sure that nobody was looking.

"You can come out, now," said Maddie. Bertram then comes from his hiding place which were the bushes.

"So, what did you want to see me for?" he asked.

"I never got a chance to thank you for helping us," said Maddie.

"Yes, well I didn't do it from the kindness of my heart, you know!" said Bertram, "Because the next time we meet, you and Stewie are my enemies again!"

"I guess..." said Maddie.

"...But I suppose there's no harm in saying hi to each other every now and then," said Bertram.

"That would be nice, Bertram," said Maddie as she hugged him.

"Say... how would you like to... you know hang out with me at Chuck E. Cheese's this Saturday?" asked Bertram.

"That would be cool," said Maddie, "But will Olivia be there?"

"Actually, I meant just the two of us."

"You mean... like a COUPLE?!?! EEEEEEWWWWW GROSS!!! You're my uncle!"

"Well, technically your half uncle," said Bertram, "And nobody really knows that we're related and there's also the possibility of your mother not being related to Peter, making us not related at all. I can just picture us in High School. You and me holding hands together, making out, I accidentally get you pregnant with a child who has ADD..."

Bertram then looks to notice that Maddie had left a WHILE ago.

"Maddie?" he asked.

**End Chapter.**


	45. Zack Breaks a Leg

**Chapter 35: Zack Breaks A Leg**

It was a rainy day in Spooner Street. Peter was in the living room watching TV. Suddenly, the TV signals become nothing but static.

"Crap!" complained Peter, "Lois! Something's wrong with the TV!"

"I think the antennae just needs to be adjusted," said Lois as she walked into the room holding Stewie.

"Is that all? Alright, then," said Peter as he didn't move from his spot.

"Well?" asked Lois.

"Well what?" asked Peter.

"Aren't you going to fix the antennae?"

"Are you nuts?!?! It's pouring!" said Peter, "I can't go out there!"

"Your right," said Lois, "Somebody could slip and break their neck on the roof."

"Hey Meg! Get on the roof and fix the antennae!" shouted Peter.

"No way!" said Meg as she walked downstairs carrying a stressed Maddie, "Besides, I'm trying to keep Maddie from being scared of lightning."

"I just hate how it's so bright and loud!" said Maddie.

"It's nothing to worry about," said Meg.

"Your mother's right," said Lois, "Lightning can't hurt you."

"Really?" she asked.

"Sure it can!" said Peter, "Lightning can even kill you!"

"I CAN?!?!" she asked.

"Sometimes," said Peter, "But if you do survive, your eyeballs will melt from your sockets, you'll smell like burnt hot dogs and..."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!" shrieked Madeline.

"Peter! That's enough!" said Lois

"No, please... Tell me more," said Stewie, "This talk about electrified death is more exciting than the time Maddie and I traveled to the 90's and played ding dong ditch with Kurt Cobain."

**Flashback**

Maddie and Stewie are in front of Kurt Cobain's house.

"Watch this," said Stewie as he rang the door. He and Maddie snickered and ran away.

"Hello?" asked Kurt as he opened the door. He then mutters as he closes it.

Stewie and Maddie then laugh their heads off. Stewie runs up to the door bell rings it again and runs away.

"Hello?" he asked again, "Damn! I'm not in the mood right now, so next time you ring my bell and nobody's there, something bad's gonna happen!"

"Is he serious?" asked Stewie.

"No way," said Maddie, "He's totally bluffing."

Maddie runs up to the door bell and rings it up this time and they both run and hide. Kurt opens his door again and then slams it.

"THAT'S IT!!! I WARNED YOU!!!" shouted Kurt. Then a loud shotgun fire rang. Maddie and Stewie then look at the door in horror.

"...You think he's okay?" asked Stewie.

"I just get want to get the hell out of here!" said Maddie in horror as she and Stewie ran off.

(A/N: Sorry if this offended Kurt Cobain fans.)

**End Flashback.**

"We swore that we were to take that secret to our graves!" said Maddie as Meg carried her upstairs.

"Where's Chris?" asked Peter, "Maybe I can get him to fix the antennae."

"He's at Jillian's apartment again," said Lois, "He's been spending an awful lot of time with her lately."

"Aw c'mon, Lois," said Peter, "So our 14 year old sexually curious son hangs out with an attractive blonde woman. What's the worst they can do?"

Meanwhile at Jillian's apartment...

"Oh my god! It's so big!" said Jillian, "I don't think it'll fit!"

"Just let me force it!" said Chris, "I got it in last time, didn't I?"

"Ow! Chris, stop! It hurts!" complained Jillian.

"Look, I'm almost done, okay?" said Chris.

"Hurry up! Please hurry up!" said Jillian.

"Aha! There!" said Chris, "Told you I could get my left hand on green."

"Okay, what's the next color?" asked Jillian.

"Right foot, blue," said C.J.

"Yeah, they're playing Twister," said Tilly to the reader, "What did you perverts think was going on?"

Now back at the Griffin house...

"Well somebody has to fix the antennae," said Peter, "I just need somebody who's in a good mood."

Zack then walks into the house, looking very pissed.

"If you're wondering why I'm late, my car broke down halfway here," said Zack, "I had to walk the rest of the way, my umbrella broke, somebody stole my wallet, and a dog peed on my favorite shoes."

"Zack!" said Peter, "I need you to-"

"No," said Zack, "I'm not in the mood right now. I just want to sit down and watch TV."

"That's just it," said Peter, "I need you to go on the roof and fix the antennae."

"Why me?" asked Zack, "The second I go up there, you're gonna take my spot."

"Trust me," said Peter, "When you fix the antennae, I'll let you watch the TV. In fact, I'll even set it to the channel you want while you fix it."

Later, Zack is on the roof adjusting the antennae.

"Is it on yet?" he shouted.

"Try harder!" said Peter, "I still can't see the Fonz!"

"I KNEW IT!!!" shouted Zack, "I'M COMING DOWN-"

Zack was cut off by a HUGE lighting bolt that had struck the TV antennae while his hand was still on it. His charred body falls from the roof and lands on the grassy ground below. Back inside...

"Where's Zack?" asked Meg.

"He's outside," said Peter, "He was supposed to be fixing the antennae 10 minutes ago but that slacker fell asleep on the front lawn."

"Fell asleep on the front lawn? Why would he-" she asked before getting a glimpse of a smoking passed out Zack, "OH MY GOD!!! ZACK!!!"

Everybody then ran outside. Meg then lifts Zack's limp body a little and listens for a heartbeat.

"Well?" asked Lois.

"He's still breathing," said Meg, "But he won't wake up."

"We better get him to a hospital quick," said Brian.

Later on at the Quahog hospital, Dr. Hartman walks into the room.

"Doctor, is my husband okay?" asked Meg.

"I'm sorry," said Dr. Hartman, "I can't say."

"You can't say?" asked Brian, "Why not?"

"Because... I'm not gay," said Dr. Hartman.

"Huh?" asked Meg in confusion.

"You asked me if he was okay," said Dr. Hartman, "I mean, he is good looking but..."

"No, she wants to know if he'll live," said Brian.

"Oh, Zack will be fine," said Dr. Hartman, "The lighting bolt just knocked him out. He should be up and about in 3...2...1..."

"-TO KICK YOUR ASS TILL IT FALLS OFF AND-" shouted Zack as he woke up, "Wait... what happened to the roof?"

"Zack, I'm so glad you're alive!" said Meg as she hugged.

"Me too, daddy," said Maddie as she was about to hug him but sniffed the air, "I smell... hot dogs?"

"I think that's me," said Zack.

Maddie then refrains from hugging him and backs away.

"Maddie, hug your father," said Meg.

"...Okay..." said Maddie reluctantly.

"I hear that when you get struck by lighting your body retains some electricity," said Peter, "She'd probably just get shocked if she touched him, but what do I know? I'm not her dad. You better do what your mother said."

"Yes, and don't forget to wipe the melted eyeballs from your dress when your done," said Stewie, "It'll get everywhere."

"EEEEEEEEEEK!!!" she screamed as she tried to run through the door but was picked up by a young doctor.

"Whoa, easy there," he said, "You could get lost in such a big place."

"Wait, who are you?" asked Zack.

"I'm your doctor, Michael Milando," said Michael, "I'll be taking care of you until you get released from the hospital."

"Michael?" asked Meg.

"Meg? Meg Griffin?" he asked.

Zack looks at him for a moment and then looks back at Meg.

"...F(bleep)ck!" he said to himself, "Do you mind explaining what the hell's going on here?"

"It's nothing, really," said Meg.

"Meg and I used to date," said Michael.

"Yeah, it's nothing to get so worked up about," said Meg.

"Yeah," said Peter, "If somebody who used to date my wife and almost got her pregnant one time showed up, I wouldn't make a big about it."

"..." Zack just stared in silence.

"Anyway, who are you?" he asked.

"The guy who's about to kick your ass in a minute!" said Zack as he tried to get up, but feels a sharp pain on his legs, "OUCH!!! What the hell?"

"I'd advice not to move too much," said Michael, "I guess Dr. Hartman didn't tell you. When you fell, you broke both of your legs. I think it's better if you lay down and rest."

"Oh yeah? Well here's what I'm gonna do! I'm gonna-" said Zack as he tried to get up again but was in pain, "Listen to you and lay down."

"I'm sorry about him," said Meg, "He's my husband, Zack."

"Your husband?" he asked.

"Yeah, and I was able to do something you failed at," said Zack.

"Catch a leprechaun?" asked Michael.

"No I failed at that, too," said Zack, "But that kid you're holding is mine!"

"Really? Meg I didn't know you had a baby," said Michael.

"Her name's Maddie," said Meg.

"She's a cute little baby, too," said Michael, "How old are you, Maddie?"

"I'll give you a hint," said Maddie, "It's the same number of brain cells Bush has."

"..."

"The answer's less than one," said Maddie.

"Zing!" said Brian.

"Wow, Meg," said Michael, "I'm happy that you were able to have a family now."

"She should be," said Zack as Meg leaned down to hug him. Suddenly, her and Maddie's hair began to move around and puff up due to the electricity.

"Okay, now what's this?" asked Zack.

"That's just leftover electricity," said Michael.

"Leftover elec- I'm in my happy place! I'm in my happy place!" panicked Maddie.

"Hehe, you guys look like white blacks," chuckled Peter.

A few weeks later, Peter walks into the house with Zack following. Zack is in a wheelchair, wheeling behind him.

"I don't believe this..." said Zack, "The doctor says I have to stay in these cast and wheelchair for a few weeks."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Joe," said Peter.

"What did you just call me?" asked Zack.

"Zack! I meant Zack!" said Peter.

"Please don't so that again," said Zack.

At that moment, Maddie walked into the house with Stewie, Tilly, and C.J. following her.

"Hey, kids," said Peter, "How was school?"

"Really, really exhausting," said Maddie.

"Really?" asked Zack.

"Yes," said Stewie, "Mrs. Lockheart decided to pick Mr. Rocket scientist over here to answer a simple question," he continued, pointing to C.J.

"Hey! That was a really hard question!" complained C.J.

"C.J., how can anyone think a dog says moo?" asked Tilly.

"Cut me some slack, sis!" said C.J., "I'm less than one!"

"Anyway, dad, I just want to play," said Maddie, "Can you take me to the park?"

"Sorry, kiddo," said Zack, "But I gotta stay off my legs. Why don't you go to the park with mommy?"

"Okay," said Maddie, "But I'm not doing anything this time when she sees other teenagers hanging out and begins to cry uncontrollably... I just don't feel like it today."

Suddenly Jillian comes into the house.

"Okay, kids," said Jillian, "Ready to go home?"

"Wait a sec," said Tilly, "Can I ask you something and PLEASE try to think hard."

"Sure thing, Tilly," said Jillian.

"What sound does a dog make?" Tilly asked.

"That's easy!" said Jillian, "The dog says moo!"

"Told you so!" said C.J.

"Was that a dog?!?!" asked Chris as he ran into the room.

"...I swear," said Tilly, "We can't be twins... or of the same blood for that matter..."

Much later at home, Zack is asleep on the couch, when he hears Meg and Maddie walk into the house laughing. Their laughing startles Zack and he quickly wakes up.

"Huh?... Oh!" said Zack as he sees them, "You guys sound like you had a good time."

"Yeah, and the best part was that I didn't cry this time!" said Meg.

"I had so much fun!" said Maddie, "First there was the jungle gym, then the swings, then I played catch, and-"

Meg then quickly covers her mouth.

"Wait a minute, what did she say?" asked Zack.

"Nothing!" said Meg quickly.

"She said she played catch," said Zack, "You can't play catch! You couldn't even shoot our daughter point blank!"

"She wasn't playing catch!" said Meg.

"You're lying!" said Zack, "Who was she playing catch with?"

"Umm... is it alright if I can come in?" asked... Michael?!?!

"Michael?!?!" asked Zack.

"Zack, this isn't what you think!" said Meg, "We were at the park and we saw Michael there and-"

"And you thought you could REPLACE me with this guy?!?!" asked Zack, "Just because I have two broken legs doesn't mean I can't be as active as I was before."

"Actually it does," said Michael.

"Like hell it does! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!!!" shouted Zack as he tried to stand on his legs but screamed in pain.

"See? You have to let them heal!" said Michael.

"What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger!" said Zack as he fell to the ground in pain, "I'M INVINCIBLE!!!"

Meg lifts Zack back onto the couch. Michael then feels Zack's legs.

"Actually, you've made them worse," said Michael, "Zack, I want you to stay off your legs. Doctor's orders! I'll see you all later."

Weeks later at night, Meg and Zack are in bed.

"I hate this," said Zack.

"Hate what?" asked Meg.

"These casts and the fact that I'm condemned to that damn wheelchair!" complained Zack.

"You'll be out of the cast soon," said Meg.

"It's been almost three weeks now and I haven't gotten any better!" said Zack.

"Just give it time," said Meg.

"But it'll be too late by then," said Zack.

"What are you talking about?" asked Meg.

"Ever since I broke my legs I haven't been able to do the stuff I used to, including playing with my daughter," said Zack, "I don't like that Michael's been taking my place for the last 3 weeks."

"He's not taking your place," said Meg, "Maddie just likes Michael as a friend."

"No, Maddie's tired of her old, broken, but very good looking daddy so she decides to pick a brand new one," said Zack, "And it doesn't end there either. Soon, he'll sweep you off your feet and you get a new doctor husband. And what do I get out of this? Living in a small apartment, drinking booze and trying to watch squiggly free pay per view porn!"

"Zack, don't get so worked up," said Meg, "Michael and I have BEEN over for a while, now go to sleep."

"I'll try," said Zack as he drifted off to sleep.

Later, Zack found himself inside a burning building. Then from the distance he hears Meg and Maddie screaming.

"ZACK!!!" screamed Meg, "ZACK, HELP!!!"

"DADDY, HELP US!!!" screamed Maddie.

Zack tries to run, but falls down. He notices that he's still wearing his casts and realizes that his legs are still broke. He gets onto a nearby wheelchair and wheels himself across the room. He hears Meg and Maddie's screams coming from above him. He then can't go any further because stairs are blocking his way.

"Damn!" he says to himself. He then goes to a nearby elevator and presses the button. The elevator doesn't respond, "OPEN, DAMMIT!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE, WORK!!!" he shouts as he pounds onto the elevator door.

The building then burns to the ground around him, with him safe for some unknown reason.

"NO!!! MEG!!! MADDIE!!!" he shouts. From the distance, he sees Meg and Maddie walking towards him, "You're both alive!"

"No thanks to you!" said Meg angrily, "Where were you?"

"I was trying to rescue you guys but..."

"Oh wait, that right," said Maddie, "You're handicapped!!! You're useless, now!"

"I had to rescue them," said Michael, "You and that wheelchair are unfit to take care of your family!"

"That's why we're getting a divorce and I'm marrying Michael," said Meg.

"I love my new daddy!" said Maddie, "He can walk!"

"No! You can't!" pleaded Zack. Peter then walks up to Zack.

".maerd ruoy ni sdrawkcab kaeps nac I eheheheheheH," said Peter as he then quickly slapped Zack with a fish.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" shouted Zack as he woke up in a cold sweat, "Whew, it was all just a dream."

Zack then removes the covers... to reveal that he had chicken legs!!!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" he screamed even louder.

"Zack! Zack wake up!" said Meg as she nudged him.

"DON'T LET YOUR DAD SEE MY LEGS!!!" shouted Zack as he woke up, "THEY'RE PROBABLY FINGER LICKING GOOD!!!"

"...At first I was gonna ask if you wanted to talk about it," said Meg, "Now I just don't even want to know a damn thing."

That very next morning, Zack tells Peter about his dream from last night.

"It was horrible," said Zack, "I couldn't help them when they needed me!"

"Oh my god!" said Peter, "I was speaking gibberish and slapped you with a fish! I'm so awesome!"

"I just felt so hopeless all because of this wheelchair and it's driving me crazy!" said Zack, "I can't be with Maddie, I can't go to work, I have an itch I can't scratch, and worse of all I can't be intimate with Meg."

"Really?" asked Peter, "And you're not relieved?"

Lois walks into the room holding the car keys.

"Peter, let's go," said Lois.

"Where are you guys going?" asked Zack.

"We're taking the kids to the zoo," said Lois, "You want to come with?"

"Yeah, maybe that'll cheer you up!" said Peter.

"No thanks," said Zack, "I'd probably just slow you down or something."

"Zack, why don't you come with us?" asked Meg.

"Will Michael be there?" asked Zack.

"Or course not," said Meg.

"But Mom, wasn't Michael the one who invited us-" said Maddie before her mother covered her mouth.

"Just go..." said Zack as he wheeled himself out of the room.

Later in the front yard after everybody left, Zack in getting the news paper. Next door, Joe is watering his lawn and when he turns, he sees Zack in his wheelchair.

"Hey Zack!" he shouted out, "Looking good!"

"Oh shut up!" said Zack, "The only reason you compliment me on this stupid junk heap is because you're in one!"

"Actually, I meant your hair," said Joe, "...Is there something you want to talk about?"

"I'm sorry, Joe," said Zack, "It's just that I hate being in this wheelchair! I've been in it for 3 weeks and my legs haven't gotten any better."

"At least your legs will heal," said Joe, "I'm stuck here for life."

"I know, but it's just...," said Zack, "There's also this doctor. He's been spending a lot of time with Maddie and Meg. By the time my legs heals, they'll LOVE this guy and throw me away."

"You know... I am a cop," said Joe, "I could make it look like an accident for this guy."

"Thanks Joe, but it probably won't do any good," said Zack.

"Zack, you can't let broken legs get in the way of you enjoying life," said Joe, "I mean, just look at me. I'm a cop, WHO KICKS ASS!!!"

"Which is an ironic choice of words considering you can't use your legs," said Zack.

"Listen, what I'm saying is that you should enjoy life instead of sulking about it," said Joe, "It's just a wheelchair. You shouldn't let it get in the way."

"You know what? You're right. Thanks, Joe," said Zack, "It's too bad I missed them all leaving for the zoo."

"Don't worry," said Joe, "I could drop you off."

"Okay, so do I ride in the back of the truck?" asked Zack.

"Actually, I had something different in mind," said Joe.

Exactly what did Joe mean by that? Well we'll have to find out later. Right now, we join the Griffins who are at the zoo. Accompanying with them are Jillian, C.J., Tilly and Michael.

"Wow! Look at all the animals!" said Jillian

"Look mom! I see lions, zebras, bears, and even monkeys!" said Tilly pointing to an African American family.

Everybody then gasps.

"Please tell your daughter to show a little more tolerance," said the father of the family.

"What? You guys are standing in front of the money cage," said Tilly.

Everybody then sighed in relief.

"I hate monkeys," said Chris.

"Why, dad?" asked C.J.

"Because they're evil, that's why!" said Chris, "Just like the evil monkey in my closet."

"Evil monkey..." chuckled Peter.

"How silly..." said Lois.

Chris then turns around to the monkey cage. The monkeys all stop what their doing and jump to the front of the cage. They ALL then point at Chris and give a fangy frown.

"AAAAAAAAHH!!!" shouts Chris as he covers his eyes.

Maddie is a bit saddened though. In fact she's been sad since they first came to the zoo.

"What's wrong, Maddie?" asked Meg, "Don't you like the zoo?

"It's just... I wish dad was here," said Maddie, "I miss spending time with him."

"Hey, I know what'll cheer you up," said Michael, "How would you like to see real live tigers in the tiger pit?"

"Tigers remind of me of Stripes!" said Maddie as she began to sob.

"...Stripes?" asked Michael.

"It's a long story..." said Meg.

"And a funny one at that," said Stewie, "Especially the end. That bus got that bastard good!"

"How about I get you an ice cream cone?" asked Michael.

"I guess..." muttered Maddie as she leaned against the edge of the tiger pit wall. Suddenly, it gives way and she falls in.

"Maddie!" shouted Meg as she jumped in after her.

"Meg, don't go in there!" said Brian.

"Maddie, are you okay?" asked Meg as she picked her up.

"I really REALLY hope we don't taste good!" said Maddie.

"Why?" asked Meg as she sees that a bunch of growling tigers are surrounding them, "Oh my god!"

"Somebody get the zoo keeper!" said Brian.

"There's no time!" said Peter, I've got a better idea! Save my daughter and granddaughter, Michael!"

"Me?!?! But what can I do?" said Michael as Peter tosses him into the tiger pit.

"Peter! Why did you do that?" asked Lois, "Now he's gonna die too!"

"Michael, you're a doctor!" shouted Peter, "Use your morphine needles on them!"

"I can't do that!" shouted Michael, "I used them all on myself last night to get to sleep!!!"

"Mommy! I don't want to die!" cried Maddie as she clutched onto Meg.

"Me neither," said Meg.

"Peter, what can we do?" asked Lois.

"I DON'T KNOW!!!" panicked Peter.

"Well look at it this way," said Stewie, "Meg will finally get a full page on her school year book. It won't be a pretty picture mind you, but then again has she ever had one?"

Suddenly from the sky comes a helicopter being flown by Joe. From below the helicopter is a lifeline and attached to it is Zack's wheelchair.

"Look up in the sky!" said Lois.

"It's a bird!" said Jillian.

"It's a plane!" said Chris.

"No!" said Peter, "It's... Handicapped Man!"

"...Okay, that was just distasteful," said Brian.

"Looks like your family's in danger!" said Joe.

"Lower me," said Zack as Joe lowered the chopper.

"Daddy!" said Maddie.

"Quick, get on my lap!" said Zack as everybody got on... even Michael, "...Did you have to get on first?"

"Yes...," he said.

"You know this looks gay, don't you?" asked Zack.

Joe then lifts them all to safety from the angry tigers and to the rest of the family.

"Daddy! You saved us!" said Maddie as she hugged him.

"You're damn right I did!" said Zack, "I wouldn't let ANYTHING happen to you or your mother. The tigers must've given you quite a scare. You need to be changed."

"I didn't wet my diaper," said Maddie.

"Meg?" asked Zack.

"Don't look at me," said Meg.

"DUDE!!!!" shouted Zack angrily.

"What?!?! Those tigers were scary!" said Michael.

"Anyway, I thought you didn't want to come," said Meg, "You know, because of... that."

"Meg, I learned something today," said Zack, "Just because I'm in a wheelchair doesn't mean that I'm different. I'm still the same old Zack."

"...Not really," said Peter, "You can't walk."

"...Damn, you're right," said Zack, "Well despite this setback, I'm going to have a more positive outlook for the both of you."

"Thanks, dad," said Maddie, "Mom and I really missed having fun with you."

"Zack, the way came to save your family from those tigers show that you really care for them," said Michael, "Meg really made a good choice being with you."

"Thanks and I guess you're not such a bad guy yourself," said Zack.

"That was very brave of you, Zack," said Lois.

"Yeah, the way you went down and got everybody to sit on your chair," said Peter, "That was pretty cool."

"It's too bad there aren't any more heroic wheelchaired people like my brother," said Jillian

"Hello???" shouted Joe, "I was flying the helicopter! Don't **I** get some credit?"

"Come one, everybody," said Zack, "Let's go home."

Everybody then laughed as everybody walked(or in Zack's case, wheeled) their way out of the area leaving Joe alone in the hovering helicopter.

"Hello? Ah forget it. I don't need the credit" said Joe, "Just doing my civil duty and the fact that I can give Zack a bunch of traffic tickets and put a boot on his car later makes it all worth while..."

Joe chuckled to himself as he flew the helicopter towards the sunset...

**End Chapter.**


	46. Brain Swap

**Chapter 46: Brain Swapped**

Zack comes home from work all stressed out as usual. Peter is sitting on the couch drinking his beer and notices this.

"Geez, what's with you?" asked Peter, "You're always coming home stressed."

"5 workers quit on me and I ended up having to fix 8 cars by myself," said Zack.

"Why don't you smile once in a while," said Peter, "You always sound like a downer."

"Okay then. Golly gee!" said Zack all giddy like, "5 workers quit on me and I ended up having to fix 8 cars all by myself! Oh what fun! There! You happy?!?!"

"No, but aren't you?" asked Peter, "It sounded like you had lots of fun!"

Zack rolled his eyes as he walked away, but then slipped on a rollerskate and fell on his back.

"Ouch! Damn!" grunted Zack in pain, "MADDIE!!!"

"WHAT?" shouted Maddie from upstairs.

"Come down here and pick up your toys!" shouted Zack.

"I can't! I'm... teething!" she shouted.

"...No you aren't!" shouted Zack.

There's a bit of silence at first. Then there are loud screams, the sounds of breaking glass, and pounding.

"There. See?" said Maddie.

"That kid..." muttered Zack as he picked up Maddie's toys, "Peter, help me pick this stuff up."

"Why?" asked Peter, "She's your kid."

"Yeah, but some of this crap is also Stewie's," said Zack as he pointed to a bunch of guns, knives, dangerous gizmo's, and torture devices.

"Oh," said Peter in realization, "Heh, Stewie has some of the cutest toys."

"Yep," said Zack, "So cute, you can kill yourself with 'em."

"C'mon, Zack. They're just kids' toys. Whoops," said Peter as he dropped Stewie's "toy" gun which caused a laser to fire and ricochet off the walls for about a minute. Zack and Peter then slowly come from behind the couch.

"Heh... Chinese lead painted action figures' got nothing on this kid," chuckled Zack.

"Hmm...," said Peter as he picked up a strange sphere type object, "Wonder what's this thing."

"That, my friend is a ball," said Zack, "And no, they did not just invent it this morning."

"I KNOW it wasn't invented this morning!" said Peter, "Nobody said anything about it on the news. It's just that it's just so weird looking."

"Try dropping it on the floor," said Zack, "It does this amazing thing you probably never heard of called bouncing."

"You know what? I'm getting pretty sick of you undermining me," said Peter, "You're always acting like I'm some kind of idiot!"

"Yeah, well SOMEBODY has to have a brain around this house AND be a male," said Zack, "And I don't see it being you anytime soon."

"Yeah? Well here's what I think of your smartass remarks!" said Peter angrily as he threw that ball at him. Unfortunately for Zack, the ball was made of metal and it clobbered him upon impact. A bright flash filled the room leaving Zack and Peter confused.

"Damnit, Peter! Well, at least I'm not bleeding," said Zack.

"But I am!" complained Peter, "What the hell?"

Zack takes a look at his hands and notices something horribly wrong. He wasn't wearing his fingerless driver's gloves. Worse of all, they were fat hands connected to fat arms.

"Oh no," panicked Zack as he ran to the mirror... to see Peter looking back at him, "OH NO!!! What the hell happened to me?!?!"

"Oh my god!" said Peter, "I can see my feet!"

"This can't be happening! This can't be real!" panicked Zack, "I-It's a dream! That's right! It's all a really bad dream! Any moment now, I should be waking up in my nice cozy bed next to my darling wife as me... or a chicken, which HAS to be better than this," Zack stands there grinning for a moment, "Oh my god! This isn't a dream!!! AT LEAST LET ME WAKE UP AS THE CHICKEN!!! SHOW ME MERCY, GOD!!"

"Come on! I knew you hated me, but this is rediculous," said Peter.

"Peter, it's not that! Well it is, but only partially," said Zack, "But I'm in YOUR body! You are Meg's father! Now put two and two together."

"..." Peter thinks about this for about half an hour, "I'm sorry, what was the question?"

"Once again Darwinism fails and I have to suffer for it," said Zack shaking his head.

Suddenly, they hear the car pull up in the driveway.

"Crap! That must be Lois and Meg," said Peter.

"We'll have to try to pretend to be each other," said Zack, "No need to make them worry."

"Gotcha," said Peter.

Lois and Meg walk into the room holding bags of groceries.

"Hi, honey," said Zack.

"Hello Peter," said Lois, "How was your day?"

"Fine.. fine," said Zack.

"Hi, Zack," said Meg as she kissed Peter on the cheek. Peter then proceeds to vomit all over the floor.

"What the hell?!?!" shouted Peter, "Are you a freaking psycho?!?!"

"Quit calling her a psycho, idiot!" said Zack, "You probably blew our cover!"

"Blew your cover?" asked Meg.

"Girls, sit down," said Zack, "I don't know how to explain this to you without freaking you out, so I'll start slowly. Have you ever seen those cartoons where two characters swi-"

"ZACK AND I SWITCHED BODIES!!!" shouted Peter.

"What? That's just crazy," said Lois.

"Mom's right," said Meg, "There's no way that could even happen."

"Well neither was it for you to get married," said Peter, "But I guess some freak accidents are bound to happen."

"I'll make a freak accident out of you!" shouted Zack as he was about to attack.

"Yep, they switched bodies," said Lois, "But do you know how it happened?"

"As a matter of fact, I did," said Peter, "I threw this thingamajig at Zack and we switched. Maybe if I throw it again-"

Before Peter could finish, the "thingamajig" fell to pieces.

"We are so screwed..." said Zack.

"C'mon," said Peter, "We'll just have to make the best of a bad situation."

"But dad-" complained Meg.

"Your Father's right," said Lois, "There's no point in complaining."

"See? You mother's got the right ide- WHOA!" said Peter as Lois hoisted him over her shoulder.

"I guess I'll just have to get use to having sex with Zack's body instead of Peter's. Oh, woe is me," said Lois as she hurried upstairs and locked the door.

"Be gentle with it..." said Zack.

Later that night upstairs in Meg's room, Zack walks into the room after taking a shower.

"This sucks! Did you know it took me three hours just to get the smell of cheese out?" asked Zack.

"I don't believe it," said Meg, "My husband is now my father! This is the worst thing to ever happen to me!"

"Actually, I thought the worse thing to ever happen to you was the time you went on a date with Where's Waldo," said Zack.

**Flashback.**

At a nice fancy restaurant, Meg is sitting in a table with Waldo.

"Dinner was nice, Waldo," said Meg.

"Yeah, it sure was," said Waldo.

"Now, you know we're splitting the check, right?" asked Meg.

"I dunno," said Waldo, "I, uh, lost my wallet."

"What? We agreed that we'd pay the check togeth- Where did you go?!?!" asked Meg in frustration as Waldo seemed to disappear, "How can anyone NOT find Waldo even in such an ugly loud shirt?"

**End Flashback.**

"Also, you shouldn't turn this into you," said Zack, "I'm the one with the problem, remember?"

"I know, but you were always the only guy who loved me," said Meg, "Now you've become the one person who treats me like utter crap the most."

"Wow... guess I never thought of it that way," said Zack, "I've been mostly thinking about how much weirder sex will be for you."

"EWW!!! THAT'S GROSS!!!" said Meg in disgust, "You're my dad now!"

"Yeah, that's right..." said Zack as he stood there in awkward silence, "...Wanna be rednecks?"

"NO!!!" she screamed.

"Okay, okay," said Zack, "Hopefully we'll find a way to fix this mess tomorrow. Goodnight, honey."

Zack hops on the bed and instantly breaks it in half with his weight, throwing Meg off and making her land head first on the ground, rendering her unconscious.

"...I'm just gonna sleep on the couch," said Zack as he walked out the door.

The next morning at the Breakfast table...

"So let me get this straight," said Brian, "You and Peter are each other, now."

"Yeah, that's pretty much it," said Peter.

"I don't believe it. Let me see something," said Brian. He opens up a candy bar and drops in on the floor. Peter and Chris dive after it but knock their heads together and knock each other out, "I'm seeing it, but I don't believe it."

"Stewie, we have to do something about this," whispered Maddie.

"Why?" asked Stewie, "This is a much needed improvement for the fatman."

"But I don't like it," said Maddie, "Besides, it was one of your inventions that did it. We HAVE to fix it."

"Well, look at it this way. You can bring up some very interesting conversation with your girlfriends," said Stewie, "No, my father is not an astronaut of a celebrity, but he is my grandfather!"

Maddie gives Stewie a cold glare.

"Alright, fine!" said Stewie, "We'll fix this mess!"

"Man this is the weirdest thing to happen to you guys," said Chris, "Even weirder than the time you both got fused together as one person."

**Flashback.**

At the dinner table, there is a man who looks like Peter but has Zack's long hair and goatee, his green opened shirt and is gloves, but is wearing Peter's glasses, green pants and shoes.

"Would you like more peas, um, Petack?" asked Lois.

"No! I hate peas," Petack complained as he stared flailing his arms, "Stop acting like a big baby!" he said to himself, "You shut it, veggie lover!" Petack then proceeds to beat himself up, "Argh! We need counseling!"

**End Flashback.**

"Well, I'd better get to work," said Peter.

"Me too," said Zack, "Somebody's got to run the auto shop."

"Auto shop?" asked Lois, "You can't go there!"

"Why not?" asked Zack.

"Because you're NOT you," said Meg, "Peter Griffin doesn't run Murdock's Auto!"

"And Zack Murdock doesn't work at Pawtucket Brewery," added Lois.

"But you can't let him run the shop!" said Zack, "He'll ruin everything!"

"C'mon, have faith in me," said Peter, "It'll be just like when you run the place."

"You better be right," said Zack.

"C'mon! How hard can it be to fix cars?" said Peter. Brian then chuckles, "What?"

"Face it, Peter," said Brian, "You're a terrible repairman. You can't even fix yourself a sandwich."

**Flashback.**

In the kitchen...

"There, Brian," said Peter, "I give you the greatest club sandwich in the world."

"Peter... That's not a sandwich," said Brian, "That's a Big Mac."

"What?" asked Peter, "A Big Mac is a sandwich, too."

"No it isn't," said Brian, "It's a burger."

"A burger's a sandwich," said Peter, "It has two pieces of bread with filling in between."

"A burger is not a sandwich!" protested Brian, "Otherwise it would be called a beef sandwich!"

"You aren't listening!" said Peter, "Just because it has beef in it doesn't mean it's not a sandwich."

"No! Just, no!" said Brian, "What classifies it as a burger is the beef patties and buns."

"No, Brian. What I'm-"

"End Of discussion!"

"Brian, you're not listen-"

"I SAID END OF DISCUSSION!!!" shouted Brian as he stormed out of the room.

Peter stands there for a moment. He then takes the Big Mac and takes a bite out of it.

"Mmmm! Now this is one good SANDWICH!" shouts Peter.

"I HEARD THAT!!!" shouted Brian.

**End Flashback.**

Later upstairs, Stewie is trying to repair his brain switching device while Maddie is sitting on the bed playing with a ball and cup.

"Why the hell are slacking off?" asked Stewie, "We're supposed to be repairing this machine!"

"It helps me think," said Maddie as she tried to get the ball in the cup, but it falls out.

"Oh no, you didn't catch the ball in the cup," said Stewie, "Oh wait! It's okay, because the ball is on a string that's attached-"

Maddie tries to flip the ball, but the string breaks and the ball flies into her eye.

"OW!!!" she shouts as she rubs her eye.

"...Well, that was unexpected," said Stewie, "Because the ball was supposed to be on a string that's-"

"Shut up! That game was lame anyway," said Maddie, "That was even more boring than the time I gained superpowers."

"That doesn't sound boring," said Stewie.

"I had the ability to control snails," said Maddie, "Let's watch."

**Flashback.**

Olivia is sitting in a sandbox when Maddie comes up to her.

"What do you want?" asked Olivia.

"Your blood!" said Maddie, "Attack, my pretties! Kill! Kill!"

A horde of snails begin to crawl towards Olivia.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!" shrieked Olivia.

"MWAHAHAHAHA MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" laughed Maddie, menacingly.

The snails move VERY slowly towards Olivia as Maddie smiles deviously, waiting for them to kill her. After about a minute, Olivia gets bored and walks away.

"Hey! Get back here and feel the wrath of my snails, dammit!" shouts Maddie.

**End Flashback.**

"This'll probably take us longer than I thought," said Stewie.

"Let's hope that our dads don't mess up their lives," said Maddie.

At the Pawtucket Brewery, Zack is typing on Peter's computer. Suddenly, Peter's supervisor bursts into the room.

"GRIFFIN, CUT IT OUT!" she shouted.

"Cut what out?" asked Zack.

"Whatever it is you're doing! You're supposed to be working," said Angela.

"But I am working," said Zack.

"What?!?!" she asked in surprise as she saw that he was actually working, "Alright, Griffin, what meds are you on?"

"Meds? No, I'm just working," said Zack, "I'd also like to make a complaint. I found thousands of porn images, a bunch of spyware, malware, and viruses, and bookmarks to worthless ads leading to said spyware. I'd like to know who did this jackassery to my computer."

"...You did," she said.

"...Oh," said Zack, "Of course..."

Now at Murdock's Auto, Peter walks in the garage where all the other employees are.

"Alright everybody. Let me have your attention, please," said Peter, "Also, ignore the fact that I sound just like Peter Griffin."

"Um, are you okay, Mr. Murdock?" asked an employee.

"Never better," said Peter, "Now, I know this seems strange but I'm gonna be busy right now, so I need my best mechanic to fill in for me. Now who is my best mechanic?"

"Right here, Mr. Murdock," said the mechanic... who was a woman.

"You?" asked Peter.

"Yep! That's right," she said.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh that's cute! A woman mechanic," said Peter, "No, you go in the other room and do paperwork like you're supposed to. I guess I'll have to be in charge."

"Mr. Murdock, are you sure you wanna do that?" asked a random mechanic, "She is really good."

"No, I can handle it," said Peter, "I am the boss after all."

Suddenly a customer pulls up to the garage.

"I need an oil change," he said.

"Coming right up," said Peter as he got to work on the car, "There ya go."

"Thanks," said the customer as he paid Peter and drove off.

"See? What did I tell ya?" Peter asked.

"Um, Mr. Murdock," said an employee, "Are you sure you should've taken that part out and not put it back after changing the oil?"

"Why? Is it something important?" asked Peter.

The car that Peter "fixed" suddenly explodes with parts and tires flying everywhere.

"You're fired," asked Peter.

"But what did I do?" he asked.

"Not tell me that sooner," said Peter, "That and I'm Donald Trump, bitch!"

Now, back upstairs at the Griffin home...

"Nice job, Stewie," said Maddie, "Instead of a mind switching machine, you made it into a gender changer."

Maddie and Stewie indeed got sex changes. Maddie was a spiky haired boy and Stewie was a brown haired girl.

"Actually, I feel complete," said Stewie.

"FIX IT!!!" screamed Maddie.

"Why the rush?" asked Stewie, "Don't you like the extra equipment? I know I'll be liking both of mine when I turn 12."

"NOW!!!" she screamed.

"Alright, fine," said Stewie.

Meanwhile downstairs, Zack and Peter come home from work.

"How was work?" asked Lois.

"Great," said Peter, "I got to boss people around and make everybody else do all the work. It's like a dream come true! I don't see how you're always complaining, Zack."

"Hi honey," said Zack as he was about to plant a kiss on Meg but she shoved him away.

"No! Stop!" said Meg.

"What?" asked Zack before realizing what it was about, "Oh right... I'm Peter."

"I'm sorry, but it... it just seems so wrong!" said Meg as she shuddered.

"Anyway, work stinks," said Zack, "Peter's supervisor is a bitch and she won't trust me with anything."

"Just try to hang in there," said Lois, "We'll find away to fix this."

"Speaking of which, did you find anyone who can?" asked Peter.

"No," said Lois, "Nobody in town can do a brain swapping. Well except for Dr. Frankenstein from down the street, but I don't trust him."

"Me neither," said Meg, "He has this whole necro fetish going on. I mean, why else would he make a bride out of dead people parts?"

"Wait," said Quagmire as he peered through the window, "You mean that wasn't a blow up doll? I should probably get myself checked."

The next morning, Peter is walking out the door.

"See you when I get home," said Peter as he kissed Lois.

"Have a good day at work, dear," said Lois.

"Zack, why aren't you going to work?" asked Meg.

"I'm off, today," said Zack.

"Oh..." said Meg.

"You know, I was thinking that maybe we could go to the park and..."

"No! How many times do I have to tell you?" asked Meg annoyed.

"Meg, it's been three days!" said Zack, "You won't let me kiss, touch, or even sit next to you."

"I told you already! It's WEIRD!"

"You know what? Forget it," said Zack as he walked away, "Why did I have to be stuck in this body?"

"Meg, you're being too hard on Zack," said Lois.

"I know, but it's just-"

"Meg, he doesn't like it anymore than you do," said Lois, "But he could be stuck like this forever. Just give him a chance."

"Okay... I guess," said Meg as she walked up to Zack.

"What do you want?" asked Zack, "I thought you were too embarrassed to be with your own dad."

"Zack, I'm sorry," said Meg, "I shouldn't keep rejecting you like that. So, you wanna go see a movie?"

"Really?" asked Zack, "You sure you won't throw up at the fact that you're technically with your dad?"

"That's why I'm bringing this," said Meg holding a bag, "Let's go."

Meanwhile at Murdock's Auto, Peter walks into the room holing a tape in his hand.

"Alright ladies and gentlemen," said Peter, "No, just men. Women can't fix stuff."

"Screw you!" shouted the female employee who was doing paperwork.

"Anyway, what I've got here is the greatest commercial ever conceived by man," said Peter, "It will put this business on the map."

Peter then inserts the tape.

**Cutaway.**

In a CGI grassy field, and anthromorphic CGI rabbit walks by. Peter begins to make the music and sound effects.

"Na na na... eh eh eh... Na na he na eh eh"

Suddenly a bear shows up and Peter makes dramatic music.

"DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUH!! Dun dun dun! Eh eh naaaaah!"

The bear and the rabbit begin to fight each other, when suddenly a dinosaur chases them off screen. The camera then pans to the left where we see a talking volcano.

"Volcanicity!" said the volcano.

Suddenly, the words: "Go to Murdock's Auto!" flashes on the screen.

The End.

**End Cutaway.**

"Eh? So what do you guys think?" asked Peter.

"...What the hell was that?" asked one employee.

"It didn't even advertise what we do," said another.

"That was bullcrap!" said another.

"I liked it. It made perfect sense," said another.

"Well then you're probably not gonna like what's next," said Peter, "The commercial cost me a lot of money so there's gonna be some pay cuts."

"How big are the pay cuts?" asked one employee.

"You get to work for free," said Peter.

Everybody then muttered to themselves and left the building. Peter runs outside after them.

"Wait, come back!" said Peter, "Oh crap. Wait, did I leave the oven on in the break room? Man this is gonna drive me nuts!"

Suddenly the building explodes, leaving nothing but fiery rubble.

"Well, looks like I'll never know if I did or not," said Peter.

Later that night, Meg and Zack walked into the house laughing and smiling.

"I really had fun today," said Meg.

"Me too," said Zack, "Even if we did get some weird looks at the movie theatre."

**Flashback**

Meg and Zack are seated with Zack having one arm around Meg and Meg leaning on Zack. A few row behind them are Cleveland and Quagmire.

"Quagmire look," said Cleveland.

"Is that Peter? With... Meg wrapped in his arm?" asked Quagmire.

"Oh my god," said Cleveland, "Peter loves Meg. And not in a fatherly way but in that other fatherly way!"

"...Peter is my new hero," said Quagmire.

**End Flashback.**

"So, goodnight, I guess," said Zack, "I'm gonna roll out the couch."

"...Zack, wait," said Meg as she held onto Zack's hand, "I want you to sleep with me in the room tonight."

"Really? Even though I look like your dad?" asked Zack.

"Zack, it's YOU I loved," said Meg, "I'm sorry that I kept avoiding you. I should've remembered that deep inside that fat greasy shell was the man that I fell in love with."

"So you're okay with this?" asked Zack.

Meg removes the glasses from Zack's face. She wraps her arms around his neck and moves closer for a kiss. Uh... meanwhile upstairs, Stewie and Maddie have been trying to fix the machine, but constantly screwing up. Maddie and Stewie have now taken on the forms of their adult counterparts.

"This isn't working," said Maddie "We tried fixing it 10 times but keep getting weird results like this!"

"My favorite was when we got turned into pro wrestlers," said Stewie, "There was just something exciting about being buff, half naked, greasy men."

"Gay..." whispered Maddie.

"What?" asked Stewie.

"Nevermind," said Maddie, "Anyway, try replacing the atomic core with a the plutonium power supply."

Stewie does so and the machine powers up normally. The two are then hanged back into their original forms.

"It works!" said Stewie, "Wait, how did you know such a thing?"

"...Bertram told me," said Maddie.

"What the hell?!?!" asked Stewie.

"He said would help if I did him a favor," said Maddie, "Now where's the Colgate?"

"Umm... exactly what was this favor?"

"Kissing."

Back downstairs, a bright flash fills the room. Zack walks into the house looking all excited.

"I'm me again! I'm back to norm- Oops," said Zack as he caught a glance of Meg kissing Peter.

Peter begins to open his eyes and sees Meg and his lips connected to hers.

"Oh! OH GOD!!!" shouted Peter, "WHAT THE HELL, MEG?!?! UGH! THAT'S JUST NASTY!!!"

"Zack? What's wrong with you?" asked Meg.

"Um, I'm right here," said Zack, "We finally switched back."

"You mean I... He... We...," Meg said before she began to violently shake, "I KISSED MY OWN DAD!!! UGH!!! I NEED SOAP AND COLGATE!!!"

Meg screamed as she ran upstairs. Lois then ran up to Peter and hugged.

"Peter, I'm glad that you're back to normal," said Lois.

"Yeah, I'm glad to be me, too," said Peter, "It took me a hell of a time to get that body the way I like it."

"Why is my hair filled with cheetos?" asked Zack.

"Now I can go back to hiding them in my fat," said Peter.

"Well, I can finally go back to work," said Zack.

"You don't have to worry about work ever again," said Peter.

"Really? Am I on vacation?" said Zack.

"Even better," said Peter, "I burned the place down!"

"..." Zack stared at Peter in silence, "YOU WHAT?!?!"

"Hehehehehehe. Whoops?"

"Great! My business is gone and I'm unemployed again," said Zack, "I can't get any worse that this!"

Suddenly, the doorbell rings. Lois goes and opens the door. She sees a young blonde woman who appears to be in her early twenties.

"Yes, can I help you?" asked Lois.

"I'm looking for Zack Murdock," she said.

"I'm his ex-girlfriend," she said, "And 2 years ago, I had become pregnant with his son!"

Everybody in the room then gasps in shock at such a revelation. Zack's ex-girlfriend has finally found him, but why? And did she really have his son? How will Meg react to this? And didn't Zack tell Meg that he was a virgin before he slept with her? And did Peter ever figure out that he did leave the oven on? All this will be answered and new surprises await in the next and final chapter of the story!

**End Chapter.**


	47. The End is Here

**Chapter 47: It All Ends Here**

(A/N: credit goes to Diablo666 for the idea of the return of Zack's girlfriend and her son.)

A young, blonde haired woman was standing in front of the doorway. Beside her was a small, 2 year old child who resembled Zack and even had long hair like him except his hair was black. He also wore black clothing like a goth which consisted on a black skull shirt, black jeans, black boots and a trench coat.

"Wait, did you say girlfriend?" asked Lois.

"Did you say SON?!?!" asked Zack.

"Did somebody say, McDonald's?!?!" asked Peter as everybody in the room gave Peter a look, "What? It was totally set up for it."

"You had a son?" asked Meg, "You told me you were a virgin!"

"I was," said Zack, "Well, sorta."

"What the hell do you mean sorta?" asked Meg.

"He means he shoved his card into the ATM," said Chris, "But quickly chickened out before he could get the money out."

"CHRIS!!! Watch your language," said Lois.

"No, he's pretty much right," said Zack, "What are you doing here anyway, Nicole? I thought you didn't want to see me again."

"I don't," said Nicole, "This has to do with your son."

"Speaking of which, why the hell don't I know about him?" asked Zack, "I had a son 2 years ago and you never told me?!?!"

"Alright, I'll tell you now," said Nicole, "This is your son and his name is Cody. The only reason I found you was because I want child support."

"Wait a minute," said Chris, "You leave Zack because he loses his job at Burger King. And now you suddenly appear from out of the blue for Child Support?"

"That's right," she said, "He promised me things when he would become Assistant Manager. Shiny things! He made up some excuse that some fat kid cost him his job! If I find out it's true, I'll gut that kid up with a fork and spoon his eyes out!"

"It's all a lie. It was totally Zack's fault," said Chris as he then turned to Zack, "You really picked a winner here," he whispered.

"Umm... hey there Cody," said Zack as he spoke to the small child. Cody, slowly looks up at Zack.

"My heart and soul burn," said Cody in a deadpan manner, "They burn from loneliness and two years of a fatherless childhood."

"Is he... EMO?" asked Zack.

"Yes," said Nicole, "This is your fault, you know."

"How is it my fault?" asked Zack.

"You were never there for your own son," she said, "How is he supposed to know how to be happy if you're not there for him?"

"But from what I'm hearing YOU never told him about Cody's existence until now," said Chris, "If it's anybody's fault it's-"

"Say, you're a fat kid," said Nicole, "And your clothing match Zack's description of the kid."

"-Zack's fault," said Chris, "It's all on Zack."

"Well Zack won't be giving you a dime!" said Meg, "Isn't that right?"

"I... I don't know," said Zack.

"What do you mean you don't know?" asked Meg angrily.

"I want to support Cody," said Zack.

"You can't!" protested Meg.

"But, he's my son," said Zack.

"And you already have a child!" said Meg.

"But still... he's my son," said Zack.

"But Meg's right," said Peter, "You're already raising that one kid... Jeff."

"Don't steal my running gag!" said Adam West who popped his head in the window and left.

"Well, I want my money in about a week," said Nicole, "So you two better reach an agreement or I'm taking this family to court."

She then slams the door.

"Perky little bitch, ain't she?" asked Brian.

"What do we do?" asked Lois.

"We don't support her," said Meg.

"Meg, you heard what she said," said Zack, "She'll take us to court if we don't."

"Zack, you can't support her!" said Meg, "We'll try to fight it!"

"Meg, we'll lose if we go to court," said Zack, "They'll see that I bailed out on one kid and take Maddie away from us. I HAVE to do this!"

"I didn't think about that," said Meg, "I really don't want to lose Madeline."

"And that's why I'm gonna go look for a job, first thing tomorrow morning," said Zack.

"Yeah, it should be easy," said Peter, "Even easier than Yakko finding out Dot's secrets on Animaniacs."

**Cutaway**

In the Warner's water tower, Yakko walks up to Dot who is reading a book.

"I couldn't help but notice something," said Yakko.

"What?" asked Dot.

"I notice that you never wear a shirt," said Yakko.

"...Yeah..." said Dot.

"I also notice that you don't wear a bra or have breasts," said Yakko.

"..." Dot just stares at Yakko.

"Okay, let's just cut to the chase," said Yakko, "You're really a guy aren't you?"

(A/N: I apologize to Animaniac fans)

**End Cutaway**

The next day at James Woods High, Meg is looking through her locker as usual. Connie D'amico then walks up to her.

"What do you want?" asked Meg, "Are you gonna talk about my enormous ass, my condom hat, or that I'm a fat cow that got lucky with a guy?"

"Actually it's about Zack," said Connie, "I heard that his ex girlfriend came back."

"What about it?" asked Meg.

"Don't you find it strange that she came out from out of the blue?" asked Connie, "And that she somehow knew where he lived?"

"I guess..."

"And what about the fact that he slept with her and never told you?" asked Connie.

"Hey, you're right," said Meg, "I'm going to talk to him first thing when I get home."

"You should," said Connie, "Oh and by the way, you're now an enormous assed, condom hat wearing fat cow with a cheating husband."

"...ARRRGH!!!" shouted Meg angrily.

Meanwhile at the house, Zack comes home in a suit looking very tired.

"So did you find anything?" asked Lois.

"Nothing," said Zack, "I was turned down at every job interview."

**Flashback**

At Home Depot, Zack is in the manager's office getting interviewed.

"Well, you're resume seems to be in good order," said the Manager, "But I'm afraid you're over qualified for this particular job."

"Well, thank's anyway," said Zack as he left.

"Next applicant!" said the Manager as a man walked in and sat down, "According to your Resume, you're from Mexico, yes?"

"Que?" asked the man.

"And do you know ANY English?" he asked.

"Habla no ingles," he said.

"Welcome aboard Pedro," said the Manager, "You've got the Customer Service job."

**End Flashback**

"Hey, maybe I can get you a job at the Mini Mart," said Chris, "I could talk to Carl about it."

"Nah. I don't wanna go back to being a clerk," said Zack, "Being shot on a daily basis was NOT fun. Besides I don't really feel like talking about nude scenes in movies all day."

"Carl and I don't talk about movies all day," said Chris, "We engage in intellectual conversations that help stimulate the mind."

"And that's not all that it stimulates," said Zack.

Everybody else then enters the room.

"Any luck?" asked Peter.

"None whatsoever," said Zack.

"Well there's gotta be something you can do," said Lois.

"I know," said Peter, "I can get you a job selling butt scratchers."

"I don't think so," said Zack.

"It's easy. Butt scratcher?" asked Peter holding a butt scratcher.

"Peter, don't-"

"Butt scratcher?"

"No."

"Butt scratcher!"

"No."

"Butt scratcher?"

"NO!"

"Butt scratcher?"

"NOOOO!!"

"Butt scratch-"

"SHUT UP!"

"...Butt scratcher?"

"...Butt scratcher," said Zack as he took the butt scratcher from Peter.

"Ah, Butt scratcher," said Peter in pride.

Zack then suddenly proceeds to beat up Peter with the butt scratcher.

"BUTT SCRATCHER!!!" Zack Screams, "BUTT SCRATCHER, BUTT SCRATCHER, BUTT SCRATCHER, BUTT SCRATCHER!!!"

"Aha! Butt scratcher!" said Peter as he pulled out a butt scratcher and got into a butt scratcher sword fight.

"Butt scratcher!!!" they both shouted as they beat each other up.

"NO MORE BUTT SCRATCHER!!!" shouted Lois as they both stopped and she threw both the butt scratchers away.

"Awww, butt scratcher..." said Peter and Zack in unison.

Meg then walks into the house rather steamed and slams the door.

"Mom, what's wrong?" asked Maddie.

"Zack, I don't want you to give that woman a damn cent!" said Meg angrily.

"But Meg, the court-" said Zack before he was interrupted.

"I don't care!" said Meg, "I don't want you to have anything to do with her!"

"To do with what?" Maddie asked.

"Maddie, go to your room," said Meg.

"But mom-" said Maddie.

"I think you better do what she says," said Lois, "This is between your mother and father."

Maddie then reluctantly goes upstairs. Stewie then takes a seat on the couch along with Tilly and C.J.

"Ooh, gossip," said Stewie, "And it involves a lady friend of Zack's."

"You too, Stewie," said Lois.

"Oh, very well," said Stewie as he walked upstairs, "But if there's screaming, hitting, and blood involved... I shall kill you!"

"Meg, I'm going to give her the money," said Zack.

Why? Do you still have feelings for her?" she asked.

"No way!" said Zack, "I love you and only. You know that."

"If that's true then why did you lie to me about being a virgin?" she asked.

"Listen, I didn't think that it would count."

"And here's another thing that's been bugging me," said Meg, "How in the hell did she know where you lived?"

"I don't know!" said Zack, "I never gave her the address! I swear!"

"Just like how you lied to me before?" she asked angrily.

"Meg, you're acting crazy!" said Zack, "Why are you getting so bent out of shape?"

"Meg, stop-" said Lois before being interrupted.

"Shh! Lois, I wanna see where this is going," said Peter.

"I'll bet you plan on cheating on me!" she said, "You still have feelings for her!"

"I do not!" said Zack.

"Then why are you agreeing on paying her child support?" she asked.

"You... you wouldn't understand," said Zack.

"There is something going on between you two," said Meg.

"...Meg, I-"

"NO!!!" screamed Meg, "GET OUT!!! I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!!"

"Meg, you don't understand," pleaded Zack.

"I SAID GET OUT!" she shouted once more.

"You know what? Fine," said Zack, "You wanna act like a bitch? Go ahead!"

Zack then walks out the door and slams it shut.

"Oh my god..." said Lois.

"Wow!" said Peter, "Just... wow! That was so freaking awesome! The way you screamed at him and how it got all tense... Just awesome. Okay, you can come back in Zack."

"Peter, what are you talking about?" asked Lois.

"It's just an act, right?" asked Peter, "Meg and Zack never argue like that."

"No dad," said Meg, "That wasn't an act. He really left."

"My god! He's really gone?" asked Peter.

"No Peter," said Brian, "This is all a cleverly acted farce for your entertainment and enjoyment."

"Oh what a relief," said Peter.

"NO!!!" shouted Brian, "HE'S GONE!!! HE'S F(bleep)ING GONE!!! THIS IS REAL!!!"

"Meg you can't do this," said Lois, "This is a huge mistake! I mean he loved you! He loved YOU! How many guys have actually done that without being disappointed that you weren't really a guy and that they were actually gay?"

"I don't care, anymore," said Meg.

"What's going on, here?" asked Maddie as she came from downstairs, "W-where's dad?"

"He's gone," said Meg.

"He is coming back... right?" asked Maddie.

"No, Maddie," said Meg, "I don't want him to some back."

"No... daddy..." cried Maddie as she began to cry.

"This is the worst thing to happen to this family," said Peter, "This is even worse than clown porn!"

**Flashback**

I'm not even going to touch this subject. C'mon! It's clown porn! Freaking CLOWN PORN! It's just... No! Ugh!

**End Flashback.**

A few days later, Meg is stuffing all of Zack's stuff in a box. She's pissed, sad, and confused all at once.

"Meg, this is crazy," said Lois.

"Mom, I don't care," said Meg, "I don't want to see him again."

"Mom, you can't do this!" said Maddie, "You and dad have to get back together!"

"We're not getting back together," said Meg, "This is real life, not a fairytale!"

"C'mon, Meg! You've gotta forgive him!" said Peter.

"Yeah, so he made the mistake of having a kid with another woman," said Chris, "So he sorta lied about being a virgin just to make you feel special. So he wants to actually pay his ex girlfriend for child support... Man he was boned from the start."

Jillian enters the house holding Tilly and C.J.

"Hi everybody," said Jillian.

"How come Zack isn't with you?" asked Peter, "I thought he was staying with you guys."

"He didn't want to come," said Jillian, "All he ever does is lie on the couch, drink beer, and cry. He's just like dad, except for the crying part. When I told him that, THEN he was like dad."

"What did he do?" asked Brian.

"Swore to the top of his lungs and called the nearest female, being me, a bitch," said Jillian.

"Zack's crying?" asked Meg.

"Why do you care?" asked Peter, "You hate him, remember?"

"I do," said Meg quickly, "It's just... Zack is crying?"

"Yep," said Tilly, "He cries even more than C.J. did when we saw Bambi."

"It wasn't crying!" whined C.J. as his eyes begun to water, "I was removing the girliness from within!"

"You hear what I said about C.J. Maddie?" asked Tilly.

"Shut up," sulked Maddie.

"What's up with her?" asked Tilly.

"She's been like this since her father left," said Stewie, "She's even more on edge than Jason Voorhees when he witnesses teens having sexual relations."

**Cutaway.**

You know those scenes in those Jason movies? The ones where he always witness two people having sex in some abandoned place? Well, it's happening right now. This time it's in an abandoned warehouse. Jason watches as two lovers are making love. He takes his chainsaw and leaps out from his hiding place. Both teenagers scream in a blood curdling scream.

"AAAAAAAHH!!!" screamed out Jason, "Oh my god! You're both naked! Oh I am SO sorry!"

"Oh my god!" screamed the teenage girl, "Who the hell are you?!?!"

"I swear, I didn't know!" said Jason covering his eyes, "I'm just... I'm so sorry!"

"What the hell's up with the chainsaw?" asked the teenage boy, "Where you... where you gonna kill us while we where having sex?"

"Wait, you guys were having sex?" asked Jason, "That's what I've been doing all these years?!?! Killing people while they make love?!?! God, I'm terrible!"

"Dude... You're a mass murderer?" asked the boy.

"I only took the job because these bastard camp counselors let me drown when I was a kid," said Jason as he sat down, "Then some bitch killed my mom, the only person who loved me! God I miss her so much..."

"There, there," said the girl as she pat his back, "Just let it all out."

**End Cutaway**

"Meg, it's obvious Maddie misses her dad," said Brian, "So why won't you let him see her?"

"Why?" asked Meg, "He'd probably care more for Cody. After all, he's his **son**."

"But didn't he tell you that it didn't matter if Maddie was a girl?" asked Brian, "Didn't he say he would still love her the same?"

"He did," said Meg.

"So why would it be any different, now?" asked Brian.

"It's just that... He seemed so eager to try to support Cody and his mother," said Meg, "Maybe I just thought... I thought he was probably tired of me."

"You threw him out because you felt threatened by Nicole?" asked Lois.

"Well, he did tell her where he was," said Meg.

"Really?" asked Brian, "Did he tell you that?"

"No... But Connie did!" said Meg.

"Connie told you?!?!" asked Lois.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" said Peter, "...Lois, do you think I'd look better in new glasses frames?"

"Peter, aren't you listening?" asked Lois, "She believed something Connie D'amico told her! Meg do you really want to be of the popular crowd that bad that you'd rather listen to a stuck up bimbo than your own husband?"

"Lois, this is Meg," said Peter, "She'd do anything to be part of the popular crowd, because, well let's face facts: Nobody really likes her."

"...Except Zack," said Meg sadly, "And I threw him out..."

"See? This is what happens when you listen to liars," said Lois.

"Yeah," said Peter, "Just imagine if people believed that one lie about how Captain Britain's superpowers work only in Britain."

**Cutaway**

Captain Britain is sitting at home when he suddenly gets a phone call.

"Hello?" he asked.

"Help us!" said a man on the phone, "There's a Volcano erupting in Canada!"

"Which part?" asked Captain Britain.

"Quebec!"

"Sorry, can't help you," he said as he hangs the phone.

**End Cutaway.**

"Mom, what have I done?" asked Meg as she began to cry, "I made a horrible mistake!"

"Don't worry," said Peter, "We can find him."

At that moment the doorbell rang. Meg answers and there stood Connie D'amico, the one who caused all of this to happen. Strangely, Connie had a very worried look on her face

"What the hell do you want?" asked Meg, "Haven't you ruined my life enough?"

"Meg, listen," said Connie, "I'm sorry I put those thoughts into your head. My cousin, Nicole, promised me money if I did it."

"Why the hell are you telling her this?" asked Lois, "Because it can't be from the bottom of your heart."

"It's Zack!" said Connie, "He's on top of some apartment building! He's going to jump and kill himself!"

"OH MY GOD!" said Meg.

"Zack can't kill himself by jumping," said Jillian, "He can only jump maybe 4 feet from the ground."

"No, he's going to jump OFF the building!" said Lois.

"Oh," said Jillian, "Well, that would hurt much more."

Meanwhile that night at Jillian's apartment complex, the place is surrounded by the police and many spectators looked on, as a clearly depressed and mentally unstable Zack stood atop of the roof.

"Just get down!" said Joe from a megaphone, "This is not the answer! You have so much to live for!"

"I don't care!" shouted Zack, "I lost the girl I loved and my daughter all because of a stupid mistake I made 2 years ago! My life means nothing now! I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE!!!"

The group arrives to the scene and look in horror as they see Zack standing on the building.

"Oh my god! Connie was right!" said Lois in horror.

"Let's make a bet," said Stewie, "10 dollars says he becomes a human pizza. Anyone?... Hmm? No takers?"

Peter rushes to the apartment door but is stopped by Joe.

"Whoa! Where do you think you're going?" asked Joe.

"I've gotta save my son in law!" said Peter, "You've gotta let me through!"

"Sorry, Peter," said Joe, "I'm not allowed to let anybody in... Unless, of course, I was given a little something, hint hint."

"I dunno..." said Peter, "You are a nice looking guy, but won't Bonnie get mad? And I didn't even bring mouthwash for after we're done."

"No Peter!" said Joe, "You're supposed to bribe me!"

"Oh, well thank god!" said Peter in relief as he handed him the money and ran inside.

"Let's just hope that your father can save him," said Lois.

"Jillian, I got a question," said Chris, "Would you do something this crazy if I was cheating on you?"

"Yes, Chris," said Jillian, "I would."

**Cutaway.**

Jillian walks into the Griffin house to see Chris, but he's making out with Connie.

"Chris! How could you?" said Jillian in shock. She goes into her purse and pulls out a gun.

"Oh my god!" said Connie.

Jillian then put the gun to her head.

"Jillian! Don't do it!" shouted Chris.

"SHUT UP! YOU'RE NEXT!" shouted Jillian.

**End Cutaway**

Back on the rooftop, Zack looks down below at all the people. He was ready to take the big plunge towards the concrete below and put an end to it all. He closed his eyes and moved forward a little.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," said a familiar voice from behind him.

Startled, Zack quickly regains his balance and turns around. There stands the black robed Death holding his scythe and staring back at him.

"What the hell?" asked Zack, "Where the hell did you come from?!?!"

"Where the hell did I come from he asks. I'm DEATH!" said Death, "And look at what you're about to do. Yeah, we got ourselves a real rocket scientist over here. For somebody who calls Peter stupid, you can't seem to put a simple math equation together."

"Math equation?" asked Zack.

"Yeah, you plus concrete times gravity equals me!" said Death, "You see what I did there?"

"You're probably here for my soul," said Zack, "I shouldn't keep you waiting."

"Normally I'm not allowed stop people from dying," said Death, "But, WHAT THE FLYING F(bleep) DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?!"

"What do you think?" asked Zack, "It's not like anyone would care if I died anyway!"

"No? Well I want you to take a look down there," said Death pointing to the Griffins.

Now back down at the streets, a car pulls up near the crowd. Out of the car steps Zack's ex-girlfriend and her son Cody.

"What's going on over here?" she asked.

"Zack went crazy and is gonna jump," said Chris.

"Well, he was a douche anyway," said Cody uncaring.

"What did you just say?" asked Maddie angrily, "That's our dad!"

"So? I can always just get a new one," said Cody.

"His life insurance should cover the payments quite nicely," said Nicole.

"Life insurance?!?!" asked Meg, "Don't you even care that he's gonna kill himself."

"He was such a loser, anyway," she said, "I mean, what kind of idiot cried over losing his job at Burger King?"

"He was crying because that job was his way of taking care of YOU!" said Meg angrily, "You didn't deserve him and you don't deserve getting money for a kid that doesn't even care about his own father!"

"Yeah!" said Maddie, "He's MY dad! Not yours so get lost!"

"Whatever," said Cody, "My mom's got, like, 10 guys waiting in line for her. One of 'em's bound to be my new dad."

"Joe, let me see the megaphone," said Meg as Joe handed it to her, "Zack, can you hear me? I'm sorry! I didn't mean to yell at you and throw you out! Zack, I still love you!"

Back on the rooftops...

"She still loves me?" asked Zack, "Even with the ex coming back?"

"Apparently she does," said Death, "So why don't you just drop the whole suicide crap?"

"You're right," said Zack, "I'm gonna go down there and not worry my family anymore."

As Zack was about to step off the ledge, Peter bursts through.

"ZACK!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T JUMP!!!" shouted Peter through a megaphone.

Startled, Zack jumps backwards... off the roof and falls smackdab onto the pavement below.

"I said DON'T jump!" said Peter, "People just don't seem to listen these days..."

Back on the streets, everybody looks on in shock as Zack's body lies there. Meg runs up to him and lifts his limp body.

"Zack? Zack, wake up!" cried Meg, "Zack, please wake up!"

Everybody looks on in silence. Lois then walks up to Meg and puts a hand on her shoulder.

"...He's dead you know," said Stewie.

Maddie and Meg then begin to cry on Zack.

"Not helping!" said Tilly.

Meanwhile, Zack suddenly finds himself in a white abyss. The last thing he remembered was hitting the pavement before getting there. Suddenly, Death appears in front of him.

"Where am I?" asked Zack.

"This? You're in limbo," said Death.

"Limbo?" asked Zack, "Am I...?"

"Oh no," said Death, "Everybody survives a 10 story drop from a building. You know, I hate to say I told you so, but-"

"Death, you have to bring me back!" said Zack, "I made a HUGE mistake!"

"Okay, okay," said Death, "I'll talk to one of my bosses and see if he'll let you go back to being alive. It's not gonna be easy to convince Satan, though."

"SATAN?!?! I was destined for HELL?!?!" panicked Zack.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh man! I can't believe you fell for that!" laughed Death, "No, no, I'm gonna talk to God. Stay right there."

Death disappears for a moment leaving Zack alone. He then quickly reappears.

"Well?" asked Zack, "What did he say?"

"He says he can't send you back," said Death.

"I can't go back?!?!" asked Zack in horror, "But what about my family? I'll never see Meg, Maddie, Chris, Lois, Stewie, or even Peter again! Why won't he send me back?"

"Because the paramedics are doing their job," said Death.

"What parame-" askwd Zack before he felt a quick electrical surge in his chest. He then finds himself in an ambulance. He looks up to see Michael holding shock pads.

"Everybody, his heart's starting to beat again!" said Michael.

"Zack! Oh thank god!" cried Meg as she hugged him.

"Meg! Oh, I'm sorry for scaring you like that," said Zack.

"But why did you jump?" asked Lois, "Didn't you hear Meg apologize?"

"Actually it was because of-" said Zack as he turned to Peter for a moment who has a scared look on his face, "I was in a hurry to get down?"

Peter then sighs in relief. Zack knew that Peter didn't mean to scare him off and he decided that he should cut him some slack... well for now anyway.

"Daddy, please don't ever do that again," said Maddie as she also hugged her father.

A few days later back at the Griffin home, Zack was out of the hospital and back on his feet. While it may seem that all was fine and dandy, there was one problem that still remained...

"It's a miracle that you're still alive," said Lois.

"Yeah, but we still got a problem," said Zack, "We need to pay off Nicole."

"Zack, I got great news!" said Meg as she ran into the room, "Do you remember when your workplace burned down."

"How can I forget?" asked Zack.

"Well, it turned out that the building was still insured," said Meg, "I found this insurance claim in the mail!"

"No flipping way!" said Zack in amazement.

Suddenly, there's a knock on the door. Peter goes to answer and there stands Nicole and Cody.

"Well well," said Peter, "If it isn't the bitch. Or should I say, the BITCH!"

"Peter, you're supposed to say her name first and then call her a bitch," said Brian.

"Well, here's my insurance check," said Zack, "This should cover the money you want."

"Zack, I saw you on the roof last night," said Nicole, "That was pretty romantic how you wanted to kill yourself over this kid," she said as he pointed to Meg.

"So?" asked Zack.

"Zack, I want you to come back to me," she said.

"Just take the check and get out," said Zack.

"Were you even listening?" she asked, "I want you back."

"And I said no," said Zack.

"Fine," said Nicole, "But you'll never see Cody again!"

With that, Nicole and Cody take the check leave the house and out of Zack's life, possibly forever.

"Meg, I'm sorry this all had to happen," said Zack.

"Zack, there's one thing I want to know," said Meg, "When I asked why you wanted to support her, you said that I wouldn't understand. What did you mean by that?"

"It had more to do with Cody than her," said Zack, "Believe it or not, I was also kind of happy to know that I had another kid. Too bad he hates me."

"But I love you, dad," said Maddie, "You still have me."

"Thanks, Maddie," said Zack, "But I was hoping that you would have a brother to play with."

"So you weren't supporting her because you still had feelings for her?" said Meg, "You just wanted another kid?"

"Pretty much," said Zack.

"He WANTS another kid?" asked Lois.

"It's official," said Peter, "He must be from Mars."

"Well, you did want us though, right?" asked Chris.

"Yes, didn't you?" asked Stewie.

"Umm... Oh, look!" said Lois, "I need to make dinner!"

Lois then rushes to the kitchen.

"Dinner at 9 in the morning? Alright!" said Chris.

"No, she's avoiding the que- oh never mind," said Brian.

"Well, I guess there's nothing left to do except watch TV," said Peter, "Just like the family we are."

"Yeah, I guess," said Zack.

Peter turns on the TV and everybody sits on the couch. Zack puts one arm around Meg's shoulder.

"Zack... would you really want another baby?" asked Meg.

"I would, actually," said Zack, "Why did you ask?"

"No reason," said Meg. She figured that she could tell him later. It would make his day...

**The End.**

**Author's Commentary: Yes, this is indeed the end of the story... for now. I plan on writing a sequel of sorts in the future, but for now I'm just going to kick back and take a little break from writing fanfiction. Before I go, I'd like to thank all those who supported this story and those who even threw in some ideas here and there. So I bid you all goodbye, for now.**


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